Wife2003 Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 Ok, well I guess I will start with the fact that I am a 24 mother of a 3yr old handsome little boy. My husband and I have been married for a tough 4 years and been together for 6 years. We have had many difficult paths come up, but have managed to either ignore them, or "work through them". He is currently working out of town. He has been doing this since February. At first, it made things a lot better for us..."Absence makes the heart grow fonder", but now, I just find myself getting frustrated at even the idea of him coming home. He whines to me every night about how much he hates working out of town, but not because of missing me, it's because he misses his son. Yet when he comes home on Fridays, he isn't home five minutes and the TV is on and he is on the internet. I have to constantly tell him to play with his son. I'M SO DAMN FRUSTRATED!!! I've been told I mother him too much, but he really gives me no choice. I would let him learn from his own mistakes, but most of the time those mistakes affect me and his son. I have parents that help me all week with my son so I'm not too stressed with that. With most couples in their 20's (he's 28) I would think the sex life would be wonderful, even with a kid, but when he comes home from being gone all week, I'm lucky if he "makes love" to me once over the weekend. THAT DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT!!! He doesn't satisfy my sexual needs as well as doesn't even show that he is happy to see me when he gets home. He always brings home toys for his son, but I get nothing. I don't even hardly get a hello, let alone a kiss or a hug. He has never really been much for showing affection, (unless I threaten to leave him). I've tried talking to him numerous times, but he will either not listen to me, or will change for MAYBE 3 weeks and then it will go back to the same old ****. I can't help but think that I am throwing my life away by being unhappy with him, and I want to try and make it work, but I don't know what else to do. I'm ready to move on, but I'm scared to be alone and a single mother...although I'm practically a mother of 2 right now. SOMEBODY GIVE ME SOME ADVICE PLEASE!!!! I'M REALLY LOST AND DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
mom2three Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 Hi, I'm new here but your thread seemed like a good place to jump in. My husband works away too, not very many husbands do that (not for long stretches anyway) and so many people don't know what that's like. It is a stress all it's own. I can TOTALLY relate to the "five minutes through the door and he's on the internet or watching TV" statement. I sent my husband an email yesterday telling him that he spent 3 days at home this weekend (b/c of the holiday) and all he did was move from the recliner to the couch to the recliner. We have wireless and he had his laptop on and the TV going, he was "chatting" with a guy he works with. He does that ALL the time and it drives me nuts. It is like why come home if you aren't going to spend time with us? I will say that if he loves his son and shows him affection that is a point in his favor IMHO. My husband is very short with the kids when he is home and it really ticks me off. They want his attention for the short time he's here and he wants to "rest". As far as I'm concerned he does that M-F when he is staying in nice hotels and eating out, *I'm* the one not resting when I'm cooking/cleaning/bathing and putting to bed all week. I can't really relate to the sex thing - my husband is on me like white on rice when he gets home and that aggrivates me to death. It makes me feel like I'm expected to perform this "duty" rather than sleeping with him when I feel like it. I hate that. Maybe you and your DH have different ways of looking at sex, I know my husband and I do.
jesslindy Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 One consistent pattern that you will notice here on LS Wife2003, is that every man that has been left by his wife, it hits him like a ton of bricks. Now I'm not saying leave him, but the general rule is "Two people have to FIX the relationship, but it takes only ONE to change the dynamic of it." If he takes all your talking to him as nagging, don't nag him. If he takes all of your requests as smothering, don't smother him. Long story short, find out what eats him up and do the opposite. You WILL notice pretty quickly that he has noticed your change and usually will reciprocate positively. Now with that being said, at some point he will have to do the same thing. But two people that wait around for the other to change, that's a recipe for disaster. The only reason I say that YOU will have to take action is because he is doing the typical male response to what is considered "nagging" and "bothering". It doesn't sound like he is going to do it first. And I don't think it really matters who starts it, just that it gets started. Once you have noticed that he might be saying to himself, "Wow my wife is acting like she doesn't care anymore, that's bad I better do something about it." Hit him with a book or 2. Anything about relationships and marraige. You will find a laundry list of them on this website.
justfine Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 I truly believe that you should calmly talk to him over dinner and let him know about your needs and frustrations. Tell him that you're comtemplating divorce and you are serious. You have a chance to save your marriage. Your husband is just not aware how serious this is. This is the time where you need to communicate. I'm sure my STBX was speaking to someone regarding how I wasn't fulfilling some need(s) she had. Rather than doing the logical thing and comming to me, she let it fester, then cheated on me. Then our marriage fell apart. Why didn't she just talk to me? Just like in your case, you want more sex. Tell him, don't you have an affair. That is a sin; one of the ten commandments. I wish spouses would just communicate better. Rather than waiting/hoping for your husband to figure it out, just talk to him nicely and calmly and tell him you're comtemplating divorce.
tommyr Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 One consistent pattern that you will notice here on LS Wife2003, is that every man that has been left by his wife, it hits him like a ton of bricks. So true. On loveshack I see 5 new guys per month who are clueless victims of Walkaway Wife Syndrome (tell your H to google that).
LakesideDream Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 To the ladies.... when did you forget about positive reinforcement? Men are the easiest things in the world to guide. When that man comes home from his week long away from home job what does he see? Is the house busy with kids, and chores? Have you tried getting a babysitter to watch the kids so you can really "greet" the man who's working away? A romantic dinner (home or out) followed by a couple of hours of "adult time" might go a long way toward starting you both on a great weekend. Or you can hand him the list of chores, a spaghetti dinner with kids screaming, and the TV blaring in the background and pretend to be suprised when he withdraws to the tv or internet. Just a thought.
Woggle Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 To the ladies.... when did you forget about positive reinforcement? Men are the easiest things in the world to guide. When that man comes home from his week long away from home job what does he see? Is the house busy with kids, and chores? Have you tried getting a babysitter to watch the kids so you can really "greet" the man who's working away? A romantic dinner (home or out) followed by a couple of hours of "adult time" might go a long way toward starting you both on a great weekend. Or you can hand him the list of chores, a spaghetti dinner with kids screaming, and the TV blaring in the background and pretend to be suprised when he withdraws to the tv or internet. Just a thought. What do you want a stepford wife who subsumes her identity to a man? Don't you know that showing a man the slightest hint of respect and attempting to actually make a marriage work will cause women to lose the right to vote? She is not here to be his mother and you better learn to respect strong women mister. Go back to the 1950s you neanderthal.
LakesideDream Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 Wog's, I appreciate the sarcasm. Of course there is a great deal of truth in what you type. Often you are course and tough to a near fault. How do you get away with it without getting snagged by the mod's for being "immoderate"? While I don't make it back to the 50's, my reach does extend to the 60's and I've literally seen it all, from the pill, to disposable marriage. Franky IF I was a young man (<30) I wouldn't even consider marrying most of the women I have met in the last 20 years. By 30 most have had one or two marriages and divorces, and children by each man. Many are so self absorbed that they think about nothing past themselves. They blame everything that's not positive in their lives on someone else. Most women nearer my age (45-55) are often worse. Many are supporting "deadbeats" and complaining about it (while "fishing"), and expect the moon and stars. Earlier this year I posted an experiance I had with a "dinner date" (we had not been intimate, were in the dating stage) in my home where I left the room for a minute and returned to find my date going through the memory on my cel phone. I invited her onward on the spot. Fully 50% of the women who responded thought her actions looking through my phone were perfectly acceptable. I was flabbergasted. Women constantly ask here on LS, "where are the gentlemen?" I have realized that I didn't even bother to ask myself "where are the ladies", Like a frog in a boiling pot I never noticed how the rules have changed.
Woggle Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 I get away with it and I don't get torn apart because I am not afraid. I speak my mind and I don't flinch or apologize. Too many men run with their tail between their legs when a woman is offended but I stare them down and speak my piece anyway. Even if people don't agree with me I think they respect my willingness to just speak what is in my heart. I am just being real. I find that when you develop an attitude like mine the good women become very easy to spot. I notice red flags almost right away so when there are no red flags a woman stands out.
Gunny376 Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 Wow! LOL! LSD and Woggle going at it! You're both right! The answer! Grab the stupid SOB by the ears and show him this thread! Tell him, "Unless your azz wants to end up at 50 like Gunny376 your azz had best be waking the Hell up and investing some time, effort, and energy in this relationship! P****y doens't come that easy dumba** ~ you've got to work for it!
butterfly37 Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 Being selfish doesn't make a woman strong. Love is an action word. It takes a strong woman to freely give of herself without losing herself in the process.
justfine Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 Being selfish doesn't make a woman strong. Love is an action word. It takes a strong woman to freely give of herself without losing herself in the process. I don't particularly think she's being selfish. I think she has some legitimate concerns and needs that must be addressed. If she doesn't communicate these things to her husband, nothing is going to change and she'll only grow more resentful to the point where she won't want to work things out. At some point it will be too late and her husband won't be able to repair the damage. The wife will simply ask the husband to move out and that she wants a divorce. Open the lines of communication and make sure your husband knows you are serious and not just nagging. Your marriage depends on it.
butterfly37 Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 I didn't mean she was being selfish. It was a rebuttal to Woggle's post. I'm with you 100% on the communication thing. Sounds like you have tried that in the past with little success. I'm thinking that he doesn't believe that you are serious. Thus, the pattern repeats itself yet again. I'm feeling like a broken record here, and James Dobson should start putting me on his payroll, but read Love Must be Tough. Maybe if you approach the situation differently this time you'll get his attention.
dropdeadlegs Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 I had a husband like that. He didn't work out of town, but he was a wonderful provider. He often worked seven days a week, twelve hours a day. On any days off he went golfing with his friends. We never did anything close to family oriented activities. He felt that a good man's job was to provide for his family. Everything else was my territory. Sex was almost nonexistent. Bottom line, we weren't very compatible. Like you I nagged and complained to deaf ears. His traditional values were too traditional for me. I actually like more traditional roles, but I still want to feel like I have an adult partner, confidant, and best friend who happens to really like getting naked with me. Someone who considers my homebody contributions just as important as his income contributions, and definitely someone who shares the good and the bad parts of parenthood. It is easy to fall into a comfort zone and take one another for granted after a few years, but often that leaves one partner not really so comfortable after all. I would talk to him again. If the kids could be elsewhere that would be better to provide no distractions. Remain calm, no shouting and no crying, and explain that you still care but are reaching a point where you won't anymore. He needs to understand that the brink is imminent if something doesn't change. He has complaints of his own, I'm sure, and his side needs to be heard and considered. Don't just point out problems, offer what you see as solutions, both of you. Give it some time, maybe a few months, and keep your end of any bargaining the whole time. That way you will know that you did your best, and if you don't falter it will be harder for him to fall back to the SOS without risk of losing you. You both need to see consistent change to believe in any long term commitment to the changes. If that doesn't work, I feel certain you will have made up your mind and have no regrets. Good luck. It does take two to fix problems but each of you will always have choices.
Woggle Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 Being selfish doesn't make a woman strong. Love is an action word. It takes a strong woman to freely give of herself without losing herself in the process. I very much agree but asking to do anything on her part to make a marriage work gets feminists in a knot.
butterfly37 Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 True that Woggle! But isn't even just the word "feminist" in and of itself part of the ME generation mentality?
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