skyblue1971 Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 Hi, this is my first post on the site. I have found myself falling into a sort of emotional affair. I am a single and unattached. However, I have met a woman that is involved with a boyfriend for a few years who lives across the country. It is a fairly complicated set-up, since she may move back there or stay here in the city I live depending on her job status. Here is the situation: I have been a patron at a tavern she works at, and we seemed to have a connection right away. Friends at the least. I would have loved more, but I heard her mention her boyfriend that lives a plane ride away, so I have been pleasantly surprised with any attention she gives me. She is fun, social, and has flirty banter with most, so I thought that was likely the end of it. However, I stop at the tavern a few times a week, and we have become closer friends. We began sharing details about our lives and I found out that her boyfriend has broken it off with her a couple of times, and she has some trust issues with him. Plus, she has made some off-hand comments that she would likely end up ending it in six months or a year and end up dating me, but then sort of taking it back. Finally, (I am rambling, sorry) she began giving me rides home at the close of work, even though I live less than a block away. We have had very long talks as the car idles at my door. She knows I have a big crush on her, since I have not hidden how amazing I think she is, and she has stated that if she feels secure with me, and that if she were single she would date me. I know she loves her boyfriend despite his flaws, and I have told her that I respect it, and I do. Frankly, it makes me like her even more. After one particularly long car-idling talk, I saw her the next night, and she realized that maybe we shouldn't do that sort of emotional affair long 3 hour talk sort of thing until the birds are chirping in the morning again, since she doesn't want to be a cheating sort of person. And I said that I completely understood. Handled it with as much grace as I could considering I am really falling for her. I said I would walk home from now on, but she said no, that's not a problem. It wasn't so weird that I can't hang out at the tavern anymore, so I will go back of course. These things are like crack when you get hooked. Guess my reason for posting is to find out if anyone else has found themselves in a similar position, and can it ever lead to a real relationship? I realize the odds are slim, and I have no plans to avoid any possible relationship options that may come my way outside of the tavern. I have just likely seen to many movies and like the romance of it.
underpants Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 So, you have a crush on your bartender who has a boyfriend? She is paid to be nice and cool with all the customers. She probably does like you considering that she gives you a ride home. However, not enough to cheat on her boyfriend. Also, say her and her boyfriend do break up. You don't want to be a rebound guy. I would suggest just being distant but nice to her. You don't need a ride. You are just using that as a excuse to hang out at the tavern and be with her. You can still go there, be cordial but don't fall in love with your bartender. Also, don't hang out until closing any longer. If you want to take any action you could say. If you ever find yourself available then here is my number and feel free to call. Then stop the pursuit. (otherwise you will be that creepy customer) I hope this helps.
norajane Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 I have just likely seen to many movies and like the romance of it. And that's why they make those movies - because people like to fantasize about romance. The reality, however, involves actual people with feelings, hangups, responsibilities, and integrity. Getting involved with someone who is dating someone else is ALWAYS a bad idea. It gets everyone off on the wrong foot, and it's hard to develop a real, honest relationship after that. She knows you like her. She knows you'd date her in a heartbeat. She knows you'd date her if she broke up with her bf. But, she's still with her bf. So back off, and even if she wants to move forward, back off. You don't want to date a cheater, or anyone who is capable of cheating on someone they supposedly love. IF she breaks up her bf, and after she has had some time to get over it and move on emotionally, THEN you can date her. Until then, be friendly, but don't overlook other women - single, available women - you could potentially date.
whichwayisup Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 You don't want to date a cheater, or anyone who is capable of cheating on someone they supposedly love. IF she breaks up her bf, and after she has had some time to get over it and move on emotionally, THEN you can date her. Until then, be friendly, but don't overlook other women - single, available women - you could potentially date. I agree. If you want a relationship and there's a chance of one in the future, do it the right way, not the wrong way by helping her cheat on her boyfriend. You'll always have it in the back of your head that you two didn't start off properly and it could lead to some serious trust issues too.
Author skyblue1971 Posted September 6, 2007 Author Posted September 6, 2007 Thanks for the tips. I do want to keep my integrity, so I will pull back, even if she continues to jokingly/flirtingly/keeping my credit card, so I can't check out and telling my I can't leave, not to leave until closing time. I don't ask for a ride. She tells me to get in the car and not scurry off like I did earlier. I literally live 90 feet from the tavern...I have seen the creepy guy sort in my life, and there are guys like that there, and she told me that I was not like that. So at least, I am not in that boat. Still, you are all correct in that it would be a lousy way to start something and it likely wouldn't happen anyway. I will be nice, but make sure I bring cash and explain that I have to work early and head out after a beer. Thanks again.
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