amethystl Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 Okay, I have a strange situation. First off, I'm the MW, been with my MM for over 5 years all of which have been plagued with sexual problems on my end. We are very much in love & very much emotionally committed to each other. We are in our late 20's. Fast forward to a few months ago, we started discussing bringing in another woman for in bedroom fun, & I okay'd him being sexual in a vacation setting away from me, and also okay'd escorts (I'm in Canada, it's okay here!). None of these worked out because they just were not available or financially able. Then an opportunity came up..... an old co-worker of his contacted him (don't you just love facebook?) & asked if they could get together to catch up. I suggested that he might want to ask if she would be interested in a sexual relationship & take things from there.... he went to see her & he explained that I was okay with this & he had my full permission to fool around with her..... which he did! To be honest, we couldn't be happier. The last month has been wonderful! I'm so happy, & I have some pressure off me sexually. He's happy (duh), & she's been happy since he's good in bed! This is the best thing that's happened to us & it's renewed our love & excitement as strange as that sounds. My sex drive has even gone up! He's being totally honest & upfront about everything he does with her, & our trust in each other is at an all time high. So today, she wrote to him (he asks me to check his email) & she said "To be honest with you, I kinda feel like crap after you left, 'cause I was like that poor girl... I never thought I could be "the other woman" and I really don't like myself cuz of that... And I know that she has you waiting for sex for months some times, but I still don't think it's fair to her..." My heart sank. Is there a way to tell her that as strange as it sounds, that she's actually helping my relationship?!?!? I'm not a 'poor girl'.... I'm a happy girl as long as she keeps seeing him! I know when she's gone, everything *might* go back to like before & we'll end up searching for another girl for who knows how long. Should I help my MM write to her, should I write to her, should I call her? I just don't know. If she really feels like crap, I don't want her to think of herself like that, but I don't know how to explain this well enough for her to understand..... and I understand that most people wouldn't understand this whole thing anyway! Please help me and my weird issue! Please no flaming (or telling me to leave him), I'm being careful, try to open your minds Hellllllllllllp!
CAT100 Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 Wow... Ok have you thought about swinging? Just that way everyone knows what the score is & you are involved with like minded people? Just Im thinking this girl might be totally freaked out if she gets a call from you saying you know all about it, you're fine with the whole thing & you actually approve! I know I would be freaked out if I got that kind of call lol.. Whereas if you met swingers then you avoid the whole explaining issue as they already know whats going on & are clearly fine with it otherwise they wouldnt be on the scene?
Author amethystl Posted September 5, 2007 Author Posted September 5, 2007 Wow... Ok have you thought about swinging? hi cat! it's a good idea in theory.... BUT... I really have no interest in any other man! My sex drive is very low & when I do have sex, I want it to be with my man & no one else. I know it's a weird double standard I've set for myself but I really can't imagine myself with anyone else.... in fact I've had to make that very clear to him since at the beginning he thought this whole thing was a plot to guilt him into letting me be with another guy..... which is not the case! I don't want to be shared, the thought of it makes me But thank you for your reply!!! I posted this on another forum and they haven't been...... nice.
CAT100 Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 ^ I understand why you have reservations about swinging then, if you are not interested in other guys. However, there are women (both bi & straight) that will happily meet couples, or just the guy (if they have his partners permission) I would investigate it seriously, its a lot better than paying for escorts or getting involved with 3rd parties that are not used to your, shall I say, liberal approach Whilst I dont share your views ( I just couldnt deal with the jealousy) you obviously have your own mind, are not being pressured into anything & its up to you what you & your partner do behind closed doors No need for anyone to 'flame' you, its totally uncalled for, just dont listen to them
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 I sent an email to my (stbx)H's OW after we got started on the open marriage thing. She was unsure of the situation, so I sent her an email reassuring her. Neither one of us would have been comfortable with a face to face interaction like a "talk". She was fine with it, and she and (stbx)H dated for a while, but she ended up moving on since she was more interested in an actual relationship with a future, rather than just being a f*ck buddy with someone who was married to someone else. Same thing happened with the next OW as well. Sometimes you'll find women who can handle the OW thing, and other times you can't. Just be sure that when you do email her, you and MM are clear on the boundaries in terms of where you draw the line emotionally/physically and that she understands her place and yours. Just out of curiosity - you say you are a MW and have a MM, and you and MM have an open relationship. Do you and your MM have open relationships with your spouses as well?
lindya Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 So today, she wrote to him (he asks me to check his email) & she said "To be honest with you, I kinda feel like crap after you left, 'cause I was like that poor girl... I never thought I could be "the other woman" and I really don't like myself cuz of that... And I know that she has you waiting for sex for months some times, but I still don't think it's fair to her..." My heart sank. Is there a way to tell her that as strange as it sounds, that she's actually helping my relationship?!?!? I'm not a 'poor girl'.... I'm a happy girl as long as she keeps seeing him! I know when she's gone, everything *might* go back to like before & we'll end up searching for another girl for who knows how long. If she's okay with being the other woman in an open relationship, then she might welcome that kind of explanation. My main thought about this is that while you and your husband seem clear about the kind of scenario that would suit you, there's no guarantee that a third person will fit into it in quite the way you might hope. People are unpredictable, with their own values, needs and desires which won't necessarily complement yours. The fact that this particular girl is expressing concern for you suggests to me that she's not overly comfortable with the idea of a non-monogamous relationship. That suggests to me that however comfortable you might be with it, you could be storing up problems for yourself if you persuade her to stay involved in this situation. There's always the potential for a third party to develop a strong emotional connection to your husband if he's regularly having sex with her. What strategy have the two of you worked out for dealing with that eventuality? Who would help the other woman deal with it? It just seems to me that if you actively recruit a third party into an open relationship scenario in order to benefit your marriage, you've both got some responsibility for that person's emotional wellbeing. Particularly when you consider how much pain a lot of Other Women on this forum express about their situations....even where they knew from the beginning what they were getting into.
CAT100 Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 when I do have sex, I want it to be with my man & no one else. I know it's a weird double standard I've set for myself but I really can't imagine myself with anyone else.... in fact I've had to make that very clear to him since at the beginning he thought this whole thing was a plot to guilt him into letting me be with another guy..... which is not the case! I don't want to be shared, the thought of it makes me Just to clarify- when you say your MM do you mean your husband or a MM that you are having an affair with? Just re reading your post I was a little confused, as you say you only want sex to be with 'your man' & thats obviously referring to your MM? So does that mean you are not married & so you are the OW to your MM & he is OM to you? Or you are married but not sleeping with your husband? Sorry Im im being thick, just trying to work it out lol
lindya Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 Just to clarify- are you only sleeping with your MM & not your H? Oh wow, I completely missed that this is her MM rather than her husband. Shows what you get for skim reading! Too confusing for me - but good luck, OP.
Lizzie60 Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 If I was closer maybe I could give you a hand... I suppose you're not having sex with your H? It's not clear.
CAT100 Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 ^ Im not quite sure of the OPs situation. I think she is married & having an open relationship with a guy that is also married. From what shes said about 'sharing' and not wanting sex with anyone else I get confused-Im guessing that she either doesnt have sex with her husband, or that the MM IS her husband (and she referred to him as MM & her as MW as they are married) ??? I dont know lol..?
Author amethystl Posted September 5, 2007 Author Posted September 5, 2007 Okay, lol..... I totally have to change my original post! I thought I wrote it out correctly but now I see that using "MM" means I am with another married man! EEK! It's me, my husband, and the other woman...... so I should change it to MW, H, and OW??? We are common-law by the way....... but we call each other wife/hubby. Sorry about the confusion
CAT100 Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 ^ Lol! Dont worry! Yes if its your husband then hes your 'H' not 'MM' as that implies he is married to someone else. It makes more sense now anyway
Lizzie60 Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 now it makes more sense... So, if I understand, it's not about 'open relationship' as much as for you to avoid sex with your husband. From what I read, you just don't want sex with him so you're hoping he will find someone else to fulfill his needs. Right?
CAT100 Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 There's always the potential for a third party to develop a strong emotional connection to your husband if he's regularly having sex with her. What strategy have the two of you worked out for dealing with that eventuality? Who would help the other woman deal with it? It just seems to me that if you actively recruit a third party into an open relationship scenario in order to benefit your marriage, you've both got some responsibility for that person's emotional wellbeing. Particularly when you consider how much pain a lot of Other Women on this forum express about their situations....even where they knew from the beginning what they were getting into. I agree. I think if you are going to allow him to see other people, make sure that hes not seeing the same person over and over again. She might start having feelings for him. It could get very messy I would limit the number of times he sees each person, what starts off as sex could lead to talking, bonding, maybe dinner beforehand etc etc until its not just sex its emotion too Now Im thinking maybe seeing escorts wouldnt be such a bad idea as there is no emotional attachment for them whatsoever & they are not going to start falling in love with him
annabelle75 Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 I think your OW's discomfort in the current situation is that she is perhaps not equipped to handle a strictly physical relationship. She may be forming an emotional attachment and feel uncomfortable with him going home to you each time they meet. I would just let her go. You need to find some one that is OK with it and is capable of having sex without becoming emotionally involved. You need to find a Lizzie . Honestly, you migt want to check out some swingers groups. Although you do not wish to participate you will be more likely to find women that can handle this kind of situation.
Author amethystl Posted September 5, 2007 Author Posted September 5, 2007 It's not that I never have sex with him..... or that I want someone else to fulfill his needs...... we just found that this 'supplement' was working out very well for all of us! I have long (heavy) periods every month & that's when he sees her! I also get a procedure done every month that puts me out of commission for a few days, and if it's not at the same time as my period, my H ends up without for weeks at a time! He's very good in bed, so I wanted to share him in that way.
Tomcat33 Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 Your OW's reaction suggests to me that perhaps your H is not being upfront with the situation, and he has not explained to her that you are fine with it!?!? I dunnow why would she feel bad if she knows you are both cool with it? It also sounds more like she feels bad, like she would want more than just being a F-budy. Oh just read Annabelle's post, I suppose I said the same thing she did in the latter part of my statement, sorry Anabelle.
frannie Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 It's not that I never have sex with him..... or that I want someone else to fulfill his needs...... we just found that this 'supplement' was working out very well for all of us! I have long (heavy) periods every month & that's when he sees her! I also get a procedure done every month that puts me out of commission for a few days, and if it's not at the same time as my period, my H ends up without for weeks at a time! He's very good in bed, so I wanted to share him in that way. If you want to involve a third party (or parties) in your relationship, then I think it's only fair (and sensible) to let them know what's going on. I second everything that's been said above about the dangers of your husband having regular in-private sex with the same woman. It's almost certain to lead to problems down the line, with either one or the other of them, possibly both, becoming very emotionally attached. I just don't see this is a good way of engaging in poly. There are better ways. Perhaps looking at some poly forums will give you a better idea of what does and doesn't work. In fact, it's usually incredibly difficult not to get into a HUGE mess, even when all parties know and accept (even welcome) what's going on. But at the very least, if you absolutely need (or want) to get another woman involved in this, she should know that you not only know but approve of the situation. I say this for your protection. Because if your H gets emotionally involved with a woman who knows nothing about your views, he can start lying to her about a future. Best if the other sexual partner knows that's not on the cards.
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