I'm last on his list and at my wits end!

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

This is long but I am at my wits end, again. I sound like a broken record but for some strange reason I seem to think this guy is worth waiting for, so please tell me if I am right or wrong.

 

Some history, I met “E” over 2 yrs ago, we tried dating on and off but he always ends up backing off due to his busy work schedule. His work is most important, and I understand this, he has cancelled on me many times and I’ve dated other people but hooked up with E again to give it another try.

 

He seemed to be wanting to spend more time with me and my kids, and we had a great time in May/June. At one point he felt so bad cancelling on me and wanted me to know he really wanted things to be different this time. This proved to be untrue because he wasn’t “making” time for us, it just happened because as soon as work got busy again, we were put to the bottom of his list.

 

Summer was very lonely, every time I thought we’d have some alone time something came up, he was sick, employees quit, suppliers were in town for meetings, and the list goes on.

 

We would talk on MSN almost every night, but never on the phone - see, he’s on the phone all day long, so this is a break for him. He doesn’t seem to care that I’m on the computer all day at work and would prefer to just talk on the phone, but I am addicted to the computer and he knows this lol.

 

At one point I asked him how he feels about me, and he admitted it’s “Friendship” because he thinks that is important to start with, and get to know each other, and he wants to fall in love with his best friend. Barf!!!

 

I called him on it saying every time we start to get close, he pulls away, and uses work as an excuse to stay out of a relationship. He thinks I am partly right but doesn’t know what the rush is. I’m not in a rush, I just want him to show me that he cares enough to pay some attention to me. He says this doesn’t mean he isn’t into me. Grrrr I told him he is going to have to find a way to let me in, and quit putting up walls when he gets stressed. Oh yeah, then he gets so stressed with work that he gets sick, so there goes another weekend.

 

I have seen him once in the last month. In this past week, we haven’t talked on MSN because he’s had more meetings. It was my birthday on the long weekend. He sent me flowers at work, very sweet, scored huge points, but said in an email that we’d have to celebrate another day. I was under the impression he had two meetings on Sat and we would meet either Sat night or spend Sunday together but I didn’t hear from him.

 

Then Sunday morning I got an email from him with more excuses, he was working, an employee left, after some eqpt broke, he had to fix it, then worked all night (it’s a farming business) and he apologized for not being able to spend time with me.

 

I’m sorry, but I think I deserve better than this. This just isn’t good enough. I don’t think I ask too much. I try to keep busy, going to the gym, cleaning house, doing my own work, but when my kids aren’t around, my house only gets so dirty and I would really like some adult company or conversation. My friends aren’t around and are busy with their families. I ended up meeting two different men I knew from online, who had been wanting to meet, and I just had to get out of the house. I feel very bad about this but then again, why shouldn’t I have a social life?

 

Now, today, he emailed me saying he had sent me an email asking if I was free on Monday, but I didn’t get it, then he said it’s a good thing I didn’t get it because he’d have to cancel. His sisters husbands cousins child was killed in an accident (the father was also a friend of his). I don’t want to sound selfish and make this about me, but he was able to clear a whole day because of this, yet he won’t take 5 minutes to call me, or to celebrate my birthday?

 

I sent him this email this morning:

 

I guess there is something wrong with your email because I didn't get that one. There must also be something wrong with your phone. E you have shown me that you don't care about my feelings because not calling me even once over the long weeked was very inconsiderate. You have been disrespectful of this relationship by putting everything else ahead of us, not only work, but everything. I am last on your list, and it doesn't feel very good.

 

On the other hand, it was very thoughtful of you to clear a whole day because of the death of your sisters husbands cousin/your friend's son, which is a very sad occasion, and I am very sorry to hear it. I might understand better how this involves you directly, and why you feel it was necessary for you to be there, if only you had been able to let me into your life and allow me to get to know who you are, and some of your connections. I don't know any of your friends, or family. You have kept me at a distance, yet you expect me to understand all of this. It's very difficult.

 

Of all the events that happen in life, one would think it makes more sense to make time to celebrate happy occasions, but as humans we often fail to think this way until it is too late. Longtime friends and relatives often surface when tragedy happens, and this isn't a bad thing, but when these same people give up celebrations with those they are closest to, because they are chasing a buck, well, something is very wrong.

 

just my thoughts.

 

So now I wait. I don’t know what else to do. Stay off MSN is one of them. Now summer’s over, where I had lots of free time, but now the kids activities are starting up plus I have six weekends in a row booked with my activities (a competitive sport) but I think he will love this as it will give HIM more time for work and to avoid me without my whining.

 

Any ideas where to go from here?

[Mz. Pixie]

Hi MWC- long time no see.

 

This guy is really just not that into you. Have you by chance read the book?

 

The reason I say this is that he would be moving heaven and earth to spend time with you if he thought there was really a future in your relationship. I know that's not what you want to hear but unfortunately it's probably the truth.

 

He actually sounds like he's running a couple of women and that he's keeping you on the backburner by doing just enough to keep you interested just in case the other women do not work out.

 

Dump this guy and find someone who wants to spend time with you.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

There are no other women, you can trust me on that. I would think there was if I didn't know him better, but that's not it.

 

The replies I hear to my posts are also broken records. So why don't I get this? Why do I still think he's worth it? Could be his money, but I'm not starving here. Out of all the men I've dated, he is by far the best when it comes to my kids and the way he treats them.

 

I have read the book, it helped me get over someone around the same time I met this guy.... come to think of it, I wanted to meet this guy for a drink, but ended up sitting by myself on an outdoor patio reading the book I just bought. Oh god. I'm pathetic.

 

He treats his pigs better than he treats me

[Mz. Pixie]

How do you know there are no other women? Come on, MWC.

 

I wouldn't tolerate the treatment that he dishes out to you for more than about five minutes, even if he were Hugh Jackman- who I think is totally gorgeous.

[StartingOver07]

Hey, MWC, I just exited a r/s with a guy a lot like this. I think it's entirely possible that there is no other woman. But I am not sure that matters in a sense, because he still isn't yours, kwim?

 

With my guy, it was sort of as though there wasn't anything that didn't have priority over me. I was forever excusing it and finding ways to arrange my time around his spare moments and dealing with the disappointment of last minute cancellations, etc. I must have had some weird addiction thing going, too, because I couldn't just walk away for the longest time. I do think this is what you need to do, and I think you know it, too.

[dropdeadlegs]

I don't have experience with this kind of situation, but I do have some opinions/ideas that probably are nothing you haven't considered.

 

Some people are just workaholics and get some kind of extreme satisfaction in their jobs. They may even complain about the long hours, hard work, etc. but they cannot seem to do anything to make things different. Maybe it's loyalty, maybe they can't delegate duties, but something keeps them running on that hamster wheel.

 

That he uses MSN and email as main forms of communication is a way of distancing himself from the personal forms of communication, like speaking on the phone. It's a way of keeping up the wall you speak of. these technologies are important tools, but should not have a prominent place within a relationship. People who are important to you deserve a more personal touch. Unfortunately I see so much of this going on these days. There is too much IM, text, email, myspace, etc. and not enough actual talking. I can see that it is much easier to disappoint someone with not having an actual confrontation to deal with. In other words it's too one-sided (even though IM is more two-way communication.) You cannot be interrupted mid-sentence with the disappointment of someone and can carefully choose your words.

 

I agree with others that when a relationship is very important, people find a way to move heaven and earth to make time for it.

 

Since this has been going on for this long, I doubt that it will change anytime soon.

 

I don't have suggestions for how to move on and stop feeling like he is worth the wait. It is hard to find someone who clicks with your kids, but you need someone that clicks with you even more. I think there will come a day soon (if it hasn't already based on the email you sent him) where you will just have that flick of the switch moment and will know you've had enough and end things for good. With your busy schedule over the next weeks, maybe that time is now.

[annabelle75]

Sounds like you are dating my ex-husband. I'm only half kidding. I was never a priority in his life. We constantly fought about it and he would just tell me I was making a big deal out of nothing. When the marriage finally ended (after 8 very lonely years) he admitted that he did not consider me or our relationship a priority. I ranked maybe 5 or 6 on his list.

 

I sensed it when we were dating but I always figured that once we were married it would change. I was very wrong, it got worse. Once he "had me" there was even less of a reason to put any effort into us.

 

I know its hard to hear but if you have been with him this long are still are not a priority, then you never will be. I think it would be best if you cut ties and moved on. You don't want to end up as unhappy as I was.

[uniqueone]

First off, I disagree with the poster who said he has other women. Not all people need to have someone they're romantically linked with....there isn't always someone else.

 

I also disagree with the "he's not that into you" comment. While it' true in a way, it makes it sound like she's just not his cup of tea. I don't think that's the issue. I think the issue is him. I wouldn't doubt that he'd be this way with anyone. Just a guess.

 

To the OP, it'll get worse...not better. And your letter to him fell on deaf ears because people like that never truly see themselves. If they saw themselves as they are, they would feel compelled to change and they don't want to change.

 

Now as to how to break free.....ahhhhh....THAT'S the killer....

First of all, I can't break free myself from someone, so I'm no one to give advice on that.

 

You're trying to get someone's attention who's almost ignoring you and you're trying to gain their love and approval. Does that mimic any part of your childhood? If it does, it's a deeply rooted need of yours and that's why it's so strong.

[starlite]

He isnt in to you enough. He likes you, he likes you being around, but when it comes down to it he doesnt think you are worth the effort. Maybe it's because he knows you'll be there.

 

I guess it is up to you to decide whether or not you want someone so fair-weathered in you and your kids life, or if you want to leave yourself open to someone much better who puts you first, or at least second.

 

With him in your life you are destined to remail alone. I know you have dated others but does part of you compare others to him. It's like you want what you cant have adn that will effect others and how you feel towards them.

 

I think you deserve better and sticking around for this guy is a waste of time. And dont let him fool u. I went through something similar for 6 years! I loved him...whenever i tried to leave he would be more available and want to be together more...but then when he realized he had me...POOF back to the old him.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

I was forever excusing it and finding ways to arrange my time around his spare moments and dealing with the disappointment of last minute cancellations.

 

Oh yeah this is me totally.

 

It is hard to find someone who clicks with your kids, but you need someone that clicks with you even more

 

You are right DDL - I don't want anyone near my kids until they can prove thesmelves to me first.

 

Annabelle, thank you for sharing your experience. I always keep believing it will get better if I play my cards right, but it shouldn't be this much work. And I know if I settle, he will lay back too and it will get worse.

 

Unique one - I wonder about it but I don't know where this need for attention comes from, and I don't really care to find out. The fact that I'm aware of it helps. I had a good normal childhood. I know there is someone out there who can meet my needs.

 

Thanks everyone for sharing your gifts of experience and insights. I need to find a way to get over him before moving into a new relationship. Keeping busy with 3 weekends off from now til Christmas will be a huge help.

 

He emailed me this morning and basically said he takes my feelings seriously, and didn't mean to be disrespectful. But he went on to say his feelings for me are more than friendship but he can't act on those feelings. He can't deal with any more stress (i guess a relationship with me would be ohhh so stressful? wtf?) He said any free time he grants himself, he has shared with me.

 

I replied that it isn't about "free time". It's about the little things when we're not together, like a 5 min phone call to say hi or goodnight. I asked him to drop off my stuff next time he's nearby. I told him my feelings have changed. The little things are what keep the flames burning, and he didn't act so the fire has gone out. (sort of a lie, it will take more time).

 

I've been here before, and I know I will get over him. I blocked him on msn, and will try not to even go on there. He usually doesn't login unless he sees me online anyway.

 

hugz to all, thanks again.

[uniqueone]

 

I replied that it isn't about "free time". It's about the little things when we're not together, like a 5 min phone call to say hi or goodnight. I asked him to drop off my stuff next time he's nearby. I told him my feelings have changed. The little things are what keep the flames burning, and he didn't act so the fire has gone out. (sort of a lie, it will take more time).

 

I've been here before, and I know I will get over him. I blocked him on msn, and will try not to even go on there. He usually doesn't login unless he sees me online anyway.

 

hugz to all, thanks again.

 

You seem to have done that so easily. Wish I could. What's your secret?

(Actually I think that people are just inherently one way or the other. )

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

It is easier said than done. I just have to keep thinking back to ALLLL the other times it happened and know that I got over it before, and that I can do it again.

 

We have not had sex (he has a little 'ahem' problem there).

 

I soooo want to date others to get over him this time but I know that would not be fair to those others. I'll have to be honest and tell guys that I am getting over someone and would like to be friends for now. Or just stay off the internet dating sites.

 

Time to get busy and keep busy.

[Mustang Sally]

Could it be that he places you lower on his list because you ALLOW him to?

 

Just a thought.

 

Maybe you should place him lower on YOUR priority list.

He will either:

a) try to get back into your life, realizing he misses your attention

or

b) let you go (see above: "Not that into you"), in which case, you are better off, anyway.

 

If he can't bring the things to your R that you need, then you are better off without him (or any other dead weight, for that matter). You are a strong woman, don't put up with any bologna.

[Reckless]

Even workaholic Alpha males drop everything for a woman they are crazy about - they go after a woman they really want with the same determination and single mindedness that got them to the top of their profession.

 

Then they go back to work.

 

Have you seen that episode of "Sex & the City" about the one thing women can't accept and men think is obvious ' he's just not that into you '

 

People recognise pretty early if there's something there and its just one of the driving forces that keeps us moving. I don't buy not making time to be with this woman that drives you crazy nuts with desire.. doesn't happen.

 

He's just not into you.

 

Sorry,

Reckless

 

Ps. Good news is if you get on with your life, become 'unavailable' look like you are having fun, have other guys chasing you and show him some booty (kiddin - kinda..), he could just reassess your 'friendship-possible FWB-woman in reserve' status.

 

M'be.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Could it be that he places you lower on his list because you ALLOW him to?

 

Just a thought.

 

Maybe you should place him lower on YOUR priority list.

He will either:

a) try to get back into your life, realizing he misses your attention

or

b) let you go (see above: "Not that into you"), in which case, you are better off, anyway.

 

If he can't bring the things to your R that you need, then you are better off without him (or any other dead weight, for that matter). You are a strong woman, don't put up with any bologna.

 

I have placed him lower, all the other times when I ended things. As soon as I move on, he shows up all sweet and wanting to do something with me and the kids. But that's when I DON"T want to see him hahaha As soon as I agree to see him, he backs off again, jeez.

 

You're right reckless, he would just go back to work.

 

Someone just gave me a quote "Never make someone a priority in your life, who only makes you an option" so true.

[uniqueone]

I have placed him lower, all the other times when I ended things. As soon as I move on, he shows up all sweet and wanting to do something with me and the kids. But that's when I DON"T want to see him hahaha As soon as I agree to see him, he backs off again, jeez.

 

You're right reckless, he would just go back to work.

 

Someone just gave me a quote "Never make someone a priority in your life, who only makes you an option" so true.

 

 

When he shows up all sweet and wanting to do something with you and the kids, are you thinking at that moment that he's changed and is going to act differently than before? What goes through your mind during that moment?

[Capricciosa]

Two years no sex? Workaholism is not the only problem with this relationship. Your email was good (if a little poorly timed what with the death and all), but do not go back if he comes a'calling. Who wants to play at being unavailable all the time? What a waste of time. Sorry he strung you along. Obviously the situation, as it was, was comfortable for him, but entirely at your expense. We do get what we allow in the end, and when we allow such dismissive behavior it is either because we are afraid there won't be anyone else out there and settle for less, or we are hooked on the fact that we are being denied something we want, with every denial compounding the want. If you're over 40, you really don't have the time for such nonsense anymore.

[uniqueone]

If you're over 40, you really don't have the time for such nonsense anymore.

 

Your post was good but I do want to comment on this last point. Being under 40 doesn't mean someone should tolerate situations longer than they should and being older than 40 doesn't mean that the person's on a stopwatch. People over 40 should take as much time to find someone--and to be with someone---as someone younger. Age has nothing to do with it. Just wanted to point that out.

[whichwayisup]

We have not had sex (he has a little 'ahem' problem there).

 

You can't drop a bomb like that and not tell details...

 

Ok, I have to ask, is this guy a geek or introverted? Seems his people skills are off. Or has he been a bachelor for a while? It could honestly be he is used to putting himself first all the time and been alone, he doesn't know how to be, how to act anymore. To most of us, it's common sense. But, to some, they have to be shown and told what to do...

 

I say, lay it all out for him (great email to him btw!) when he contacts you - Though the catch should be you two have to talk face to face.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Uniqueone, what goes through my mind when he wants to see us is that I want to see him too. We always have a really good time together. He's affectionate, gives great back rubs, has a pool and a hot tub haha, and it's usually when I miss him and have nothing else to do.

 

Capri...you said

the situation, as it was, was comfortable for him, but entirely at your expense. We do get what we allow in the end, and when we allow such dismissive behavior it is either because we are afraid there won't be anyone else out there and settle for less, or we are hooked on the fact that we are being denied something we want, with every denial compounding the want.

 

You are right. I feel cheated. We are over 40 but I am still in no rush, and not overly picky, I just want him to be in touch but he hides when he's stressed (a true martian, but I did tell him there are phones on mars).

 

WWIU yep he was raised as a geek. My jock friend at work knows him from way back and has some good stories. But he is an intelligent businessman, and goodlooking I think, and well, I have fallen for him.

 

The details...he had a car accident several years ago and permanent nerve damage so yeah, a trip to the doc for the little purple pill would be in order (or is it blue, I can never remember)!

 

Plus he was raised with religious beliefs - he was a 30yr old virgin when he married (so was she). Then his accident, then she cheated for the next six years. He has been single for 6 yrs. We have been intimate in other ways, but not regularly.

 

I think that all explains alot, but still makes me feel like after two years he is not sure that I am good enough for him, even though he said 'absolutely not' when I asked him a long time ago.

 

For sure though, if there is going to be contact and any kind of discussion about this, I will tell him it has to be face to face. no touching, no hugs, no nakedness!

 

I keep wanting to follow my usual pattern, and date someone else, but last night I told someone I wasn't going to date someone to get over him, but I wanted to date someone "because" I'm over him.

[Capricciosa]

Being under 40 doesn't mean someone should tolerate situations longer than they should and being older than 40 doesn't mean that the person's on a stopwatch. People over 40 should take as much time to find someone--and to be with someone---as someone younger. Age has nothing to do with it. Just wanted to point that out.

 

I do think the decisions we make as we get older have a bigger impact, and that time is a factor. When I was twenty and learning the ropes, I could spend time figuring things out--try this guy, spend time mooning over that guy, wait around in hopes of whatever.... I was definitely one of those gals who had to learn the hard way. Now that I'm over 40 myself, I know that every decision counts--I don't have my whole life ahead of me anymore, so I have to be clearer about what I want and more discerning about who I let in. I really need to get on with things either way. It also takes me longer to get over things and longer to trust if my trust has been broken. Of course it is great if you have that clarity and wisdom earlier, and of course everyone deserves to be well-treated.

[uniqueone]

I do think the decisions we make as we get older have a bigger impact, and that time is a factor. When I was twenty and learning the ropes, I could spend time figuring things out--try this guy, spend time mooning over that guy, wait around in hopes of whatever.... I was definitely one of those gals who had to learn the hard way. Now that I'm over 40 myself, I know that every decision counts--I don't have my whole life ahead of me anymore, so I have to be clearer about what I want and more discerning about who I let in. I really need to get on with things either way. It also takes me longer to get over things and longer to trust if my trust has been broken. Of course it is great if you have that clarity and wisdom earlier, and of course everyone deserves to be well-treated.

 

I didn't learn the ropes early unfortunately. I was a late bloomer. But that doesn't mean I'm going to rush things now because I feel that time is running out.

 

I do see what you're saying though about not staying in relationships longer than necessary. I think in my first serious one I stayed longer than I should have because I really didn't know what else to do.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

It has been a week. I haven't seen him on msn and no emails...until this morning.

 

He said he has started several emails to me and finally got some insights from a friend of his. He spilled his heart, and basically said we're at different places in our lives. He has two or more years of putting everything into his business (they are expanding so they can sell at a profit instead of losing money now). He can't commit to any kind of relationship.

 

He said some things I didn't agree with, but was very nice, and told me he was flattered at my attraction to him, and told me that I am the type of girl who could have any guy I want.

 

It was a genuine, heartfelt email but I won't respond until I know I can move on from this with an open heart again.

 

I do have a date this weekend but it will be more of hanging out. Hopefully I can keep my pants on!

 

thanks all, I'm sure I'll be back after the next guy loses my number!!!