is he still interested?

[terraanne]

Hi everyone, this is a long story so please bear with me. I just started dating my boyfriend about 2 weeks ago. But we have a long history. This is about the 3rd time we've tried dating. It all started about six years ago-we met and he had a huge crush on me. We went on a few dates and it sort of fizzled out- I was interested in someone else. We still kept in touch once in awhile though. He had a year old son he was raising alone at the time and that scared me off because I never dated anyone with kids.

 

two years later (four years ago) We met up again and he pursued me. Wanted to be with me in the worst way. I finally gave him a chance and we dated for about eight months. At this time he only had his son on weekends. I broke up with him because he was too clingy and jealous. He didn't want me to spend time with other friends and he wanted me to be with him 24/7. Even though we were broken up we continued to talk and hang out and about a year after that we decided to try dating again. Once again it didn't work out and I left him because of his jealousy and controlling behavior (just always calling me and demanding to know where I was if I didnt' answer the phone right away) I was so used to having him and his son in my life at this point that I asked him to become friends with benefits. We actually became best friends (who slept together) and had a good time. He was more laid back at first because we were just friends. Our rules were that we were FWB but if either of us wanted to be with anyone else to be up front about it. I dated one other guy during this time (which seemed to crush my now FWB) and he ended up hooking up with one of his exes and lying to me about it. So we took a break for awhile. Then back to FWB. Even though we were only FWB (I was the one who wanted this because I like my independence and didn't want to be tied down. I have some issues with committment even though I was with my last ex for five years or so. I was hurt badly in that relationship so now I think I was trying to keep FWB guy at arms length. He wanted more. He constantly asked me to be his girlfriend, to spend holidays with him and his family, he wanted me to be with him 24/7. He would tell me he loved me, every day he would say "i miss you" We would see eachother 4 to 5 times a week and he called me to talk every single day!

 

He was a good support when my grandfather passed away and I was a good support to him with his son. I treated his son like he was my nephew and was always doing things for him. So I guess you could say we were FWB in name only and it was probably something more. Well I have NEVER introduced him to my parents (they live 4 hours away) and I've never spent a holiday iwth him. He says that I have treated him the worst of any girlfriend he's had and that he's treated me the BEST of anyone he's ever dated. He says he never did anything for anyone for any holiday except for christmas and he has always bought me cards or taken me out or given me gifts and flowers for valentine's day, my birthday etc and always buys me expensive jewelry for christmas (even though he really cant' afford it and we were not even dating at the time!) I've tried to give it back but that just upsets him.

 

Well finally after him asking me for the last 6 months, I had decided to give him another chance (at being in a relationship with him.) I told him I wanted to get back together and he seemed happy. This was two weeks ago and I've really made an effort. I have seen him 7 days in a row, spent the night with him (something I NEVER did before) I've become very close with his son again, I've done sweet things like cook my boyfriend dinner when he gets home from work, bought him things for his new apartment (he moved in about a month ago) I've actually discovered I have very strong feelings for him and his son adn it scares me! I've never felt this way before about him and it finally seemed that it was going to work out.

 

But the strange thing is that now he seems distant. Before he moved (and we were just FWB) I always used to tell him if he wanted to see me he'd have to drive the half hour to see him and he did. he would practically do anything to see me. I didn't have to make much effort. Well now the tables and turned and I'm driving to see him every day (and don't have a problem with it) He used to call me three or four times a day, and now maybe he calls once and lately he doesn't talk very long (he changed his phone to a prepaid phone to save money so he doesn't have a lot of minutes to talk so that may be one reason.) He did introduce me to one of his friends I'd never met (from work) and I spent the night with him for the first time last night (which he was really happy about). But something still seems off. We had a great weekend (so I thought) and yet on Monday he was upset with me because I had called him and he was cold to me on the phone (didn't say miss you or even talk to me very long) and then yesterday (before I stayed over) he told me that I"m nagging at him too much (I've become insecure because I'm feeling so much for him, he's not at arms length anymore and I'm terrified to get hurt) so when he acts weird which he's been doing lately I keep asking him if everything is ok and if he still wants to do this anymore.

 

I mean when we were FWB he was begging to see me, he would put off anyone else in his life to spend time with me, and now that I"m doing everything he's always wanted the last four years (spending ALL my free time with him) he just seems to not appreciate it. He also is not controlling like he used to be which is good but at the same time makes me think he doesn't care anymore.

 

He said if I stop nagging at him everything will be fine. but I wonder will it? I haven't done much "nagging" I've just asked him a few times (ok once a day lately) if he's sure this is what he wants (to date me) because he seems distant and not as interested. If this matters, our sex life is fine actually even better than when we were FWB) What is his deal? Was he just after me all these years because of the thrill of the chase and now that he's "won" he's just not into me anymore?

[shadowplay]

I don't want to alarm you, but I don't see this relationship working out. I'm not at all surprised he's going cold now that you're finally interested. It's very typical for needy, insecure guys who come on too strong...they can't handle it when a girl actually likes them. One reason is they have such low self esteem that they devalue anyone who likes them -- they don't want to be part of any club that will have them as a member. Another is they may fear real intimacy so they always pine after somebody unattainable because it's safer. The only way to test out if I'm right is to suddenly start acting indifferent to him. Really indifferent. Try it out for a week and see what happens. I predict this will rekindle his passion in full force. But I think by this point you may decide you don't even want him anymore. Consider the fact that his previous passion may not have been real love for you, so much as a reflection of his insatiable desire for attention and affection.

 

I also wonder if you're falling prey to the same dance as he is. Are you sure you're not just developing strong feelings for him now that he's acting less interested? The timing seems awfully convenient, I have to say. IF you start to examine your own feelings toward him, it will empower you in the relationship and help you distance yourself if it comes to that.

 

Good luck and let us know what happens.

[terraanne]

Thanks for the insight, I hadnt' looked at it that way. Maybe thats it. Or maybe I'm the one over reatcting because I'm used to all the attention from him (when we weren't actually dating) and now he has what he wants so its not like he feels he needs to make an effort. Its just odd. I saw him last night (he got home from work late) and I made him dinner (he asked me to and helped his son with his homework. My boyfriend barely paid attention to me at all other than one kiss. He asked me to spend the night but I was too tired and wanted to sleep in my own bed. He said he was a little upset about that but not much. His trac phone had run out of minutes but he had the phone from work and said he couldn't use it much. I normally call him when I get home to let him know I got home ok and I did this and he didn't call to say good night or anything. So i called him again and he answered and he was pleasant but just said not to call the work cell phone too much cause he's not supposed to use the minutes. But right as I was leaving that phone rang and he answered it and talked to the person (could have been someone calling about work as he is the foreman). I just feel neglected. I mean before we were dating he was putting so much effort into trying to get me to date him again!! and now that we are dating I just feel like I get NO attention.

 

I should point out that he just got his own place and he has to drive farther to work and also has to use his trac phone (which gets expensive and he has to watch his minutes) so we don't see eachother as much or talk as much as we used to.

[shadowplay]

I know how you must feel. The best thing you can do is follow my advice and pull a 180 on him. Start giving him the cold shoulder and see how he reacts. Don't be nasty, but just act somewhat indifferent like you did to him before when you weren't as interested. Also stop asking him for reassurance about your relationship. Try that out for a few days. If that has no effect than something else is going on.