is this a dealbreaker? so hurt *

[sassybaby]

I have been with my boyfriend since high school. (2 yrs) He joined the

marines and I went to college. We did the long distance thing

throughout with emails, phone cards, and everytime he went on leave,

he'd come be with me. Fast forward 4 years, he is done with the marines

and I'm done with college.

 

He talked about backpacking through asia. Asked me to save up 3 years

ago. I could not because I used my money for rent, tuition, books,

etc. College is not cheap! So he tells me he'll pay for my ticket to

go but I have to find spending money. I could not because I simply had

no extra. So I told him how about we go for a shorter time. Instead of

3± months, go for just one month, that way you can bring me. And next

year, I would treat him to a trip to the places we didn't get to go. He

decides and buys his ticket without telling me. When I find out, I ask

him what made him decide. He said, 1. I can't expense it for the both

of us to go. 2. I am not willing to shorten the trip to accomodate you.

3. This is your punishment for not doing well in your last semester of

college. So he goes to asia. 10 days after he's there, he calls me and

asks me to go to meet him in Hong Kong. He said now he realized how

cheap it is over there and that since he's living with his dad for a

month, he now has the means to bring me over. I declined the offer. I

wasn't going to drop everything to go run to him.

 

Therefore, I spent our 8 year anniversary alone in the states while he

was backpacking and enjoying Asia alone.

 

Finally, months go by, he's still away and asks me randomly one day to

go to australia with him. So he didn't have money to bring me to asia

but he has money to bring me to australia? I asked him for an

explanantion.

 

He says he had a second account of money that he put away for vacation

for us. So if he had a second account of money all along, couldn't he

have moved it and used it for Asia to bring me? He says that he

couldn't do that because he made a budget for Asia. And he allocated

money into certain accounts where he couldn't change it. Then he said

forget about going to Australia because all I was doing was making a

hassle about it. That all he wanted was to go on vacation and all I

wanted to do was b****.

 

My questions are, 1. Why couldn't he just move some money from one place

to another if he had a second account all along? That way I could of

gone to Asia with him. 2. Does he even love me? How could he even buy

his ticket to Asia to go alone in the first place? Yes the reason was

money but yet he has money for Australia?

 

I feel like I was not worth it to him to bring to Asia. If he loved me,

shouldn't he do whatever it takes to bring me along? Or there are other

ways. Like shorten the trip, cancel the trip for now, go somewhere

local in the USA, etc. He just picked up his stuff and left. He was

given a problem and he didn't try to solve it. He did whatever to take

care of himself. I think it is very selfish.

 

I am trying to figure out if this is a dealbreaker and if i should end it with him when he comes back.

Yes after all these years, its so hard to let go, but i know that the hardest part is letting go.

 

someone please help! maybe a guy can give me a guys perspective, becuz i cannot pick my bf's brain, i do not understand his actions and i dont know why he didnt bring me with him to asia, and now all these excuses, the money thing doesnt even make sense to me becuz at first he said he doesnt have any money, then 10 days later, he is inviting me to go and to pay for the whole trip, same with australia, and suddenly there is this second account of money, is he lying?

 

the way i see it, he was selfish, and if he loved me, he would do whatever it takes to bring me

i mean after all these years i waited faithfully for him, wasn't that enough to get some love in return?

[Travis L]

1. I can't expense it for the both

of us to go. 2. I am not willing to shorten the trip to accomodate you.

3. This is your punishment for not doing well in your last semester of

college.

 

I don't have a lot to say except, wtf???? Punishment for not doing well your last semester? Are you kidding me? It is not his place to PUNISH you...

 

Not willing to shorten the trip top accommodate you? If I loved someone I couldn't imagine going on vacation without her! What's the point of life if you don't experience it with people you love and care about.

 

I can't say that this is a deal breaker... I have a hard time putting a man down who served his country (especially the Marines). But, this sounds very fishy to me... Has he said anything about missing you or wishing you were there or has he just asked for what he wanted and when you said no, he cut you off? Is he the type to be controlling and demanding? Who knows, maybe after 4 years in the marines he just wanted to get out and clear his mind for a while and he was seeing you as hampering that desire. Not the best move but who knows?

 

I guess I just have more questions than answers...

[matwithonet]

I agree with Travis that I don't think it's a deal breaker. I think you have a long talk coming, but that's what relationsships are about, COMMUNICATION. If it means anything, to me, it doesn't sound like he is cheating on you, just sounds like he wanted to maybe spend some time alone with his dad or something.

[sedgwick]

Okay, once I got to the part where he told you it was your "punishment" for how you did in college, I decided that *that* was the dealbreaker. Absolutely. Um, did HE go to college? No. You don't need your boyfriend "punishing" you for anything. You can do better!!!

[LakesideDream]

Okay, once I got to the part where he told you it was your "punishment" for how you did in college, I decided that *that* was the dealbreaker. Absolutely. Um, did HE go to college? No. You don't need your boyfriend "punishing" you for anything. You can do better!!!

 

 

Did he go to college? Ah... no. Duh! The man joined the marines to serve his country and protect it's citizens. Believe me, if he ended up in a cushy desk job, his life was many times more difficult than "going to college" hanging out with friends, and "chillin". Frankly, in time of war there are no "cushy" jobs for Marines. Every Marine is a Rifleman, and their ain't enough to go around.

 

If you "break the deal" with him you may be doing him the biggest favor of his life. He obviously had the self control to save his pay, for his big vacation. That's a positive. He also wants you, keeps asking you to join him. Another positive.

 

Is he emotionally immature (punish for last college year comment) sure, he's probably spent 2 of the last four years slogging around in the sand with a bunch of crummy dudes dreaming of warm showers and you. You don't "grow" much emotionally in that enviourment.

 

Soldiers need time to decompress upon return to "the world". That's what he's doing. If you can't help him, try not to hurt him. He's done his bit for you, your mamma, grandmamma, daddy, brothers, sisters, dogs and cats. Now it's time for him to get a little after all the giving.

 

Semper Fi,

[Krytellan]

I could be wrong all, but I think that list was her angry interpretation of why he went and not what he actually said to her. Am I right Sassy?

[Travis L]

Just wanted to add that I think there are very few "deal breakers." My list is short but everyone has their own list..

Mine:

1. Cheating

2. Abuse (physical or otherwise)

3. Lying (about real stuff...saying she weighs 120 when she is clearly 140 doesn't count)

4. Murder (animals, humans, etc...)

5. Getting a penis implant and changing her name to Bubba

 

Just about everything else can be worked out... In comparison to some of the other horror stories I have heard, your man is tame.

 

Go to http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t129122/ and read that guys story... That is an example of a deal breaker (IMO).

 

I don't mean to discount your pain and confusion. Sometimes reading problems that others are having puts our situation into perspective. Just love the hell out of that MAN. He may have screwed up with this whole vacation deal but hasn't he been a pretty decent guy otherwise?

[sedgwick]

I just want to clarify that it doesn't matter what he did instead of going to college, or how noble it was. It doesn't matter if he joined the military, became a racecar driver, got a job at Wal-Mart, became a spy for the French Foreign Legion, or joined PETA and freed bunnies from research labs. The point is that you don't criticize someone else for their performance in their chosen life path when you haven't been there yourself. Would she "punish" him for how he did in the Marines? Two adults in a romantic relationship have no business "punishing" each other for anything.

[sassybaby]

I don't have a lot to say except, wtf???? Punishment for not doing well your last semester? Are you kidding me? It is not his place to PUNISH you...

 

Not willing to shorten the trip top accommodate you? If I loved someone I couldn't imagine going on vacation without her! What's the point of life if you don't experience it with people you love and care about.

 

I can't say that this is a deal breaker... I have a hard time putting a man down who served his country (especially the Marines). But, this sounds very fishy to me... Has he said anything about missing you or wishing you were there or has he just asked for what he wanted and when you said no, he cut you off? Is he the type to be controlling and demanding? Who knows, maybe after 4 years in the marines he just wanted to get out and clear his mind for a while and he was seeing you as hampering that desire. Not the best move but who knows?

 

I guess I just have more questions than answers...

 

thas what i said, he is my boyfriend not my parent, what gives him the right to punish me? well i asked him and he said " should i not punish you when you are doing bad? shouldn't i be supportive and push you in the right direction?"

 

i told him that yes that is true, but the way he did it is not right. you are supposed to encourage someone, or tell them listen doing this is not right! i told him stop treating me like im some type of recruit, im not in the marines, dont use their militant ways on me! he said oh so when a child is bad and parent yells at them, does that mean the parent thinks the child is a recruit? and i said no and when a parent is teaching a child, its because the child is young and doesnt know right from wrong

im a grown woman, i know the difference. and if he had seen me going in the wrong direction, all he had to do was sit me down for a serious "talk" and if i valued him as my boyfriend, I'd listen. but did he do that? nope

 

yeah he really said he wouldnt change up his trip for me, because 1. he will be too busy with work and school (he plans on going to college), and therefore he will never have vacation time like this again, he said he cant just quit his job, or not go to school, so that he can wait till i save up the money, i told him listen you have breaks during school, esp in the summer, and he goes, well im going to go to school in the summer too,

 

so basically, he is saying he is going to work fulltime, go to school year round and never stop, which is why he cant change up his plans for me

 

and no he hasnt said that he missed me, or wishing im there, just asked me nicely to join him, and i was like ????, when i didnt go to asia, cuz i told him i already have plans, he was like ok, im not mad, i understand

 

but australia, i decided to get everything out,cuz i was thinking maybe he wants to work on things, and now he knows ive been feeling hurt, and his way of dealing is fine, forget about australia, we'll just talk when i come back

[sassybaby]

I agree with Travis that I don't think it's a deal breaker. I think you have a long talk coming, but that's what relationsships are about, COMMUNICATION. If it means anything, to me, it doesn't sound like he is cheating on you, just sounds like he wanted to maybe spend some time alone with his dad or something.

 

he found out on the day that he was leaving, i am not kidding, that his dad was in china, his mom was going to drive him to the airport and his mom said you know ur dads in china, he says so? and his mom was like, i think we should tell him since you dont know how to speak chinese, you're going to need help, so they return home, she calls his dads cell in china, and his dad finds out that he is going to china,

 

my point is, he did not care or plan to meet his dad in china, only reason it happened is because his mom was concerned about him being all alone over there, so she took initiative and called him to see if he could help, and he ended up having someone pick him up from the train station and driving him to the dads house, he ended up staying with his dad for a month

 

this was all unexpected and not planned

[sassybaby]

I could be wrong all, but I think that list was her angry interpretation of why he went and not what he actually said to her. Am I right Sassy?

 

it would seem that way, but yes he really said those words to me

i remember his friend asked him, so what r you doing next month? he goes im backpacking through asia! and i didn't know he had made his decision, we only talked about it, so later back home i asked him, you bought your ticket and didn't even tell me? he said you knew about it, i did it the other night! i was like noooo! i was studying for my finals, and you were looking at plane tickets, but i didnt know you bought it! and you have a departure date! and didn't even say a word to me!

 

then i asked, what made you decide?

 

he really said this, he goes, well one, i cant expense it for the two of us

two, i don't want to change up all my plans because you cant go, i will never get a chance to go do this and three, this is ur PUNISHMENT!!!

 

yes he really said punishment.

 

and i said wtf? for what? and he says for not doing so good your last semester in college, it didnt seem like you cared much about school anymore

 

and i said whoa! you're telling me this on the last week of classes?!?? when i have finals already?!?! how come you didn't say anything for the past 2 months that you've been back?

 

you know, if he had said two months before school ended, basically right when he saw the problem, listen, you are doing bad in school, now if u don't do good, i don't think you should go to asia, you have to show me that you earned it, and then i still don't listen and mess up school, then yes, it makes sense that i don't get to go

 

but he Never mentioned punishing me or anything until that day i asked him what made him decide

 

and think about it, i asked him about it! he didnt give me an explanation, i had to ASK him!

 

lastly, i want to say, i waited 4 years for him, he did too, we were separated, we always missed each other, we called each other, we spent time and money to keep in touch, wasnt it finally worth it now that he could see me? now he had a choice to be with me! he wasn't under duty anymore, this time he could choose, to bring me or not,

 

he tells me how a lot of his marine buddies gf's back home cheated on them, dumped them, went on the wall of shame

 

i didnt, i stuck by him, i did a lot for this dude

 

and he chose himself

[Curious139]

I honestly don't know what to think. However there is a sense coming through that the two of you have no communicated particularly well. By that I mean discussing personal stuff, how you feel, what bothers each of you.

 

Now I don't mean to be too wise. We all have private thoughts and worries while in a relationship and not all of it needs to be expressed. But when something like this happens and you have real trouble understanding it that suggests the depth of communication is not as good as it should be. Not your fault and it may not be his fault either - we all communicate differently.

[sassybaby]

I just want to clarify that it doesn't matter what he did instead of going to college, or how noble it was. It doesn't matter if he joined the military, became a racecar driver, got a job at Wal-Mart, became a spy for the French Foreign Legion, or joined PETA and freed bunnies from research labs. The point is that you don't criticize someone else for their performance in their chosen life path when you haven't been there yourself. Would she "punish" him for how he did in the Marines? Two adults in a romantic relationship have no business "punishing" each other for anything.

 

exactly. punishment is for people who break the law!!!!

im thinking he made that comment either to make me feel like his decision is my own damn fault,

or two, he really wants to try to control me because he was exposed to that in the marines

[sassybaby]

can anyone else please help with some advice?

 

he's coming back on the 16th this month!!!!!!

 

i need to decide...if this is a dealbreaker or not..

 

cuz we r gonna have that talk when he returns

 

i dunno what to do

[Travis L]

can anyone else please help with some advice?

he's coming back on the 16th this month!!!!!!

i need to decide...if this is a dealbreaker or not..

cuz we r gonna have that talk when he returns

i dunno what to do

 

Look at what has already been posted.... 6 for no deal-breaker, 0 for deal-breaker. This is an 8 year relationship...do you really think some miscommunication/inconsiderate behavior is grounds for dismissal?

 

It sounds a little like you have made up your mind (you want to dump him) and are looking for reassurance. From the outside looking in, I can see it's NOT a deal-breaker. YES, he was wrong for "punishing you," but we all make dumb moves (I've made my share, that's for sure!). YES, he was inconsiderate... You've got it DAMN good if this event is the biggest problem you have had in your 8 year relationship!!! It may not seem like that right now but he is the only grown up relationship you have had, give it time...

 

If you truly are looking for some more advice, I'm not sure what more can be told to you... Talk to the guy...REALLY talk to the guy...EXPRESS how it hurt you... Go from there!!