Onelife Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 Dear all, I thought I knew how to manage my feelings and was in the process of moving on. But after I received this email from xMM, I am so confused. I know this email takes me no where, does not and will not change anything! Still it messes with my head and gets me down terribly. This is what he said: My love, Sounds like you have moved on. I'm sad but happy for you. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about you. Am I doing the right thing for us? Absolutely not! For my children...my life is dedicated to thier school years. I only wish I could be that way with you and I. Where will this take me? I don't know, but hopefully my children will be well rounded adults from me being there all the time. They help ease the pain from being without you. This is the most difficult thing I have ever experienced. Especially when lying alone and your smile is as clear as the last time I saw you......... Is this just a lie to keep me around? Just when I thought I was strong. Why can't I just let this go? I know I should also block his email but I didn't. As bad as it is, he is the love of my life. Any thoughts? Has anyone experienced the same or similar story? Thanks you all.
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 Could be an excuse - but I think its more an excuse to stay married than it is a matter of wanting to be a better parent. Your MM probably doesn't realize it but he can still be a great parent on his own. Kids would rather have two happy parents living separately, than two miserable parents darkening the household by forcing themselves to stay together. That's another issue, though. As a parent I can tell you this: parents are well aware of the fact that their children are going to grow up and leave and most parents do not want to speed up that process by leaving themselves. Even if/when your MM divorces you could still have problems with the whole 'parent' thing. I am divorcing, have been dating OM for two years, and still stay in the town I am in instead of moving to be with him because I can't bear the thought of leaving my child while I still have the opportunity to be in her life as much as possible. There is no possibility that I can move my daughter with me - there is no way I would take her away from her family, her friends, her town, etc. I miss my guy, I am well aware that he is frustrated and considering checking out of the relationship because I won't move up there to be with him - and it kills my heart every day to know that my choices are: leave my child to be with him, or stay here away from him and be with my child. I only have a limited amount of time left where my baby is going to be my baby, and I simply won't give that up for anyone. Of course, his situation is complicated in that he feels that staying with his children means he has to stay married. I felt that way too, until stbxH and I finally agreed to move on in separate places. I was so afraid that I would be demoting myself in some way emotionally with my daughter (afraid that she would see it that way). I still have the same relationship with my kid that I did though, and I don't have to be married to have that. My kid isn't going to suffer in any way because her Mom and Dad live separately now (luckily we had a VERY amicable split and still get along very well) - BUT... I still can't move on with OM the way he wants me to. Its the whole 'kid' thing - I simply can't walk out on my kid's life when she is still a kid and needs me. I expect your MM feels the same way.
CAT100 Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 Just when I thought I was strong. Why can't I just let this go? I know I should also block his email but I didn't. As bad as it is, he is the love of my life. Any thoughts? Has anyone experienced the same or similar story? Thanks you all. Aww dont be too hard on yourself. Its very very difficult. You cant help it if he is the love of your life. My MM is the love of mine & Im sure a lot of OW are in the same postion. Its clear that he has made a decision & some people do feel very obliged to stay around 'for the kids' & do not think they can be as good a parent if they live apart with the kids. I do not personally agree with this as I know plenty of divorced people that are still great parents, get on well with the ex & the kids are happy. But anyway.. I would just say that now you know he is not leaving , make sure he doesnt try to get back into your affections, he will prob email you & contact you but that is so unfair on you as it prevents you from moving on. He is moving on & he has his kids to 'ease the pain from being without you ' so he has a way of dealing with it. I think he emailed as he prob doesnt want to lose you completely & he doesnt want you to forget him but hes made his choice so he has to deal with it. I really would advise no contact at all, its the only way that you can get on with your life I cant imagine how upset you are, I would be utterly devastated. However you know where you stand, hes made the choice, you have to move on (((((hugs))))
justice Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 Block his email immediately. He's trying to lure you back into the same situation as before. Stay strong and you'll be proud of yourself after the pain fades. Good luck.
Author Onelife Posted September 5, 2007 Author Posted September 5, 2007 Could be an excuse - but I think its more an excuse to stay married than it is a matter of wanting to be a better parent. Your MM probably doesn't realize it but he can still be a great parent on his own. Kids would rather have two happy parents living separately, than two miserable parents darkening the household by forcing themselves to stay together. That's another issue, though. As a parent I can tell you this: parents are well aware of the fact that their children are going to grow up and leave and most parents do not want to speed up that process by leaving themselves. Even if/when your MM divorces you could still have problems with the whole 'parent' thing. I am divorcing, have been dating OM for two years, and still stay in the town I am in instead of moving to be with him because I can't bear the thought of leaving my child while I still have the opportunity to be in her life as much as possible. There is no possibility that I can move my daughter with me - there is no way I would take her away from her family, her friends, her town, etc. I miss my guy, I am well aware that he is frustrated and considering checking out of the relationship because I won't move up there to be with him - and it kills my heart every day to know that my choices are: leave my child to be with him, or stay here away from him and be with my child. I only have a limited amount of time left where my baby is going to be my baby, and I simply won't give that up for anyone. Of course, his situation is complicated in that he feels that staying with his children means he has to stay married. I felt that way too, until stbxH and I finally agreed to move on in separate places. I was so afraid that I would be demoting myself in some way emotionally with my daughter (afraid that she would see it that way). I still have the same relationship with my kid that I did though, and I don't have to be married to have that. My kid isn't going to suffer in any way because her Mom and Dad live separately now (luckily we had a VERY amicable split and still get along very well) - BUT... I still can't move on with OM the way he wants me to. Its the whole 'kid' thing - I simply can't walk out on my kid's life when she is still a kid and needs me. I expect your MM feels the same way. Thank you LB! Your input helps me to understand more of his feelings. He said it's harder for him than it would be for his wife if they were divorced because the kids will stay with their mom. Even though he will still see the kids often but the hardest part that he cannot bare is he will not be there when the kids go to bed at night and wake up in the morning. I have to say that I truely understand because I also have a child myself and would not be able to take not being there at those moments myself. Breaking the normalcy in my son's everyday life is also a big deal and that was one of the main reason I dragged my own divorce for so long too. I eventually got the divorce but it was because my marriage was a total miserable one. I guess his is not all that bad. Still it's so hard for me....it would be easier if he would never say all this. We did try hundred times before but ended up back to where we say we still love each other. Hard to let go. BTW, we are also the LDR and have not seen each other for nearly a year now. The feeling doesn't go away given all this time and distance.
Author Onelife Posted September 5, 2007 Author Posted September 5, 2007 Aww dont be too hard on yourself. Its very very difficult. You cant help it if he is the love of your life. My MM is the love of mine & Im sure a lot of OW are in the same postion. Its clear that he has made a decision & some people do feel very obliged to stay around 'for the kids' & do not think they can be as good a parent if they live apart with the kids. I do not personally agree with this as I know plenty of divorced people that are still great parents, get on well with the ex & the kids are happy. But anyway.. I would just say that now you know he is not leaving , make sure he doesnt try to get back into your affections, he will prob email you & contact you but that is so unfair on you as it prevents you from moving on. He is moving on & he has his kids to 'ease the pain from being without you ' so he has a way of dealing with it. I think he emailed as he prob doesnt want to lose you completely & he doesnt want you to forget him but hes made his choice so he has to deal with it. I really would advise no contact at all, its the only way that you can get on with your life I cant imagine how upset you are, I would be utterly devastated. However you know where you stand, hes made the choice, you have to move on (((((hugs)))) Thank you Cat for your understanding. I know that I need to get a grip and move on because of this dead end relationship. It's just hard. But I do try very hard to regain myself and I feel that I have made a lot of progress. My heart is still broken and it is still very painful but I can start to feel like myself again for some time. The love and the longing for him have never gone away though. I am working on it and yep it would be much easier (I guess?) if he would not tell me all this. I guess sometimes I am not even sure if I really want him to stop telling me that he loves me. Only time will help me through this pain. Hopefully I will only go up from here.
Author Onelife Posted September 5, 2007 Author Posted September 5, 2007 Block his email immediately. He's trying to lure you back into the same situation as before. Stay strong and you'll be proud of yourself after the pain fades. Good luck. Thank you for your frank comment Justice. I know that is what I need to do. I need all the strength and courage for that. I do know also that he wants to have his cake and eat it too. What I need to do is focus on myself and do what is good for me and my feelings in the long run. BTW I love your signature. It gives me strength.
frannie Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 Oh onelife, yes, he might be trying to get you to resume the relationship... or just to keep up communication and exchange thoughts and love declarations with each other. But I don't say that he is lying about what he needs to do. Many men (and women) want to stay married until they feel the time is right to leave. It's not always an excuse. The only thing you need to do is decide for yourself... is receiving his emails too much for you? Do you need him in your life, even if it's just the occasional email? Or do you need this to stop, so you can heal and move on without him..? Personally I decided that though my MM feels he needs to stay married for the kids sake, he manages to be in my life as much as possible, and we have a good relationship in the meantime. So for me, I'll stay (as long as I'm happy). But for you... what do YOU want to do..? If it hurts so bad, and you feel yourself sucked back into something that you don't want... then perhaps you need to tell him, no more emails. Because it hurts you.
Author Onelife Posted September 10, 2007 Author Posted September 10, 2007 Oh onelife, yes, he might be trying to get you to resume the relationship... or just to keep up communication and exchange thoughts and love declarations with each other. But I don't say that he is lying about what he needs to do. Many men (and women) want to stay married until they feel the time is right to leave. It's not always an excuse. The only thing you need to do is decide for yourself... is receiving his emails too much for you? Do you need him in your life, even if it's just the occasional email? Or do you need this to stop, so you can heal and move on without him..? Personally I decided that though my MM feels he needs to stay married for the kids sake, he manages to be in my life as much as possible, and we have a good relationship in the meantime. So for me, I'll stay (as long as I'm happy). But for you... what do YOU want to do..? If it hurts so bad, and you feel yourself sucked back into something that you don't want... then perhaps you need to tell him, no more emails. Because it hurts you. Thank you Frannie. You seem to understand my situation very well. After all I am happy to hear what he said. There are times when I would sit alone and wonder if he would think of what we shared as a big mistake. As bad as it was/is, I am glad this is what he has to say to me. What I want out of this? I really don't know. The good thing is I am not as miserable as I was a few weeks (or months) after D day. My way to heal may be different than others but somehow I mange to get better after all the painful feelings. I believe in my heart that we really have a special thing together so it's not all that bad dealing with emails from him from time to time. As long as I can handle them in the way that won't get myself down, that is.
PoshPrincess Posted September 10, 2007 Posted September 10, 2007 Your input helps me to understand more of his feelings. He said it's harder for him than it would be for his wife if they were divorced because the kids will stay with their mom. Even though he will still see the kids often but the hardest part that he cannot bare is he will not be there when the kids go to bed at night and wake up in the morning. This is SO true OneLife. I am sure your man is being 100% honest with you and not using this as an EXCUSE (and ignore anyone who will tell you otherwise). I split from my partner (of course, I have my son living with me) and I know that my ex-P would have done ANYTHING for us to stay together because he wanted to be with our son. My exMM stayed in his marriage for exactly the same reasons and I DO believe that. Yes, of course they can still be a father outside the marriage but I don't think they always realise that. I actually think my ex-P is a much better father now that we are not together as the time he spends with our son alone is real quality time. Given the choice, though, I know he would have continued with our R. I guess his is not all that bad. Still it's so hard for me....it would be easier if he would never say all this. We did try hundred times before but ended up back to where we say we still love each other. Hard to let go. BTW, we are also the LDR and have not seen each other for nearly a year now. The feeling doesn't go away given all this time and distance. I expect your MM DID want to make contact with you, and why not? He still loves you and is obviously finding it hard to let go. He wanted to let you know that, no matter what, he still loves you and hasn't forgotten you and I guess he doesn't want you thinking that he WAS using the kids as an excuse. Still, it's SO hard isn't it? I have no contact with ex-MM whatsoever now. I still miss him like mad but I know it's for the best and, believe it or not, it is slowly getting easier.
Author Onelife Posted September 11, 2007 Author Posted September 11, 2007 This is SO true OneLife. I am sure your man is being 100% honest with you and not using this as an EXCUSE (and ignore anyone who will tell you otherwise). I split from my partner (of course, I have my son living with me) and I know that my ex-P would have done ANYTHING for us to stay together because he wanted to be with our son. My exMM stayed in his marriage for exactly the same reasons and I DO believe that. Yes, of course they can still be a father outside the marriage but I don't think they always realise that. I actually think my ex-P is a much better father now that we are not together as the time he spends with our son alone is real quality time. Given the choice, though, I know he would have continued with our R. I expect your MM DID want to make contact with you, and why not? He still loves you and is obviously finding it hard to let go. He wanted to let you know that, no matter what, he still loves you and hasn't forgotten you and I guess he doesn't want you thinking that he WAS using the kids as an excuse. Still, it's SO hard isn't it? I have no contact with ex-MM whatsoever now. I still miss him like mad but I know it's for the best and, believe it or not, it is slowly getting easier. Hey Posh, it's good to hear from you. Thank you. You sure understand how I feel really well. It is so tough, isn't it? Dealing with this feeling of loving someone and cannot be with, given the situattion like this. So very hard! All I can say for today is that I love him still and it doesn't look like my feeling will change anytime soon. The thing is now I can feel that the love I have for him/with him has given me the happy feeling inside (the way love should feel) unlike the time after D day that I felt that love hurt! One way or the other, I also feel that it's getting easier. Let's hope we both will keep getting better and better! (((((posh))))
PoshPrincess Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 Let's hope we both will keep getting better and better! (((((posh)))) Here's to that! My love with MM was also like nothing I have ever experienced before - the same for him - but now I have to try and get my head round the fact that it will never be. We have to make sure we always learn from these things and that's all we can do. Yes, it DID hurt like crazy in the end but I am still glad that I had him for that short time and although I sometimes wish I had never met him I couldn't really imagine not having had that love now.
Woggle Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 It's because these men were never planning on leaving in the first place and they give you that line about an unhappy marriage to get you hooked. Why do women keep falling for this?
PoshPrincess Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 It's because these men were never planning on leaving in the first place and they give you that line about an unhappy marriage to get you hooked. Why do women keep falling for this? But we ALL know this is not always the case (although probably a good percentage of them). Nothing is ever black and white.
Author Onelife Posted September 11, 2007 Author Posted September 11, 2007 But we ALL know this is not always the case (although probably a good percentage of them). Nothing is ever black and white. Agree! We sure did not choose to believe that line about unhappy marriage just because he said so. Every situation is different. No one would want to be heartbroken this way. Posh, for the kind of love we had, as long as we feel in our hearts that it's what makes our hearts glow, it should be worth it. But yes for the sake of everyone involved, we do need to move on, learn from this and not to make the same mistake again.
Woggle Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 But we ALL know this is not always the case (although probably a good percentage of them). Nothing is ever black and white. In 99% of the cases this is exactly what it is. I hate to be crueal but while you women were head over heels for gthese men they probably just thought of you as a side dish.
RealityCheck Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 In 99% of the cases this is exactly what it is. I hate to be crueal but while you women were head over heels for gthese men they probably just thought of you as a side dish. Could be in some cases yes! However in some cases the MM......IS/WAS the side dish!! Different strokes for different folks!
PoshPrincess Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 Agree! We sure did not choose to believe that line about unhappy marriage just because he said so. Every situation is different. No one would want to be heartbroken this way. Posh, for the kind of love we had, as long as we feel in our hearts that it's what makes our hearts glow, it should be worth it. But yes for the sake of everyone involved, we do need to move on, learn from this and not to make the same mistake again. I agree. As for being a 'side dish'. I know I wasn't, but everyone's entitled to their opinion. I am not a stupid gullible teenager and I have been in relationships that aren't 'true' so at my age I should know the difference! Each to their own though......
Woggle Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 I agree. As for being a 'side dish'. I know I wasn't, but everyone's entitled to their opinion. I am not a stupid gullible teenager and I have been in relationships that aren't 'true' so at my age I should know the difference! Each to their own though...... You probably were a side dish. I hate to tell you this but most married men are looking for just that. I am not saying you are stupid but some of the smartest women are know for being incredibly dumb when it comes to relationships.
PoshPrincess Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 You probably were a side dish. I hate to tell you this but most married men are looking for just that. I am not saying you are stupid but some of the smartest women are know for being incredibly dumb when it comes to relationships. Well, you're not wrong there, I guess! I think we are just going to have to agree to disagree on this one, Woggle. ExMM wasn't 'looking' for anything but, at the end of the day, when the sh*t hit the fan he didn't have the courage of his convictions. Should have thought about the consequences, as I should. He can at least count himself lucky I wasn't some bunny boiling nutter I suppose. Believe me, Woggle, I would like nothing more than to believe he 'used' me. That way I could hate him, hate myself for being so incredibly gullible (I still do in some ways) and then it would be far easier to get over it all. Still, we live and learn!
Woggle Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 At least you didn't wear a diaper so you could drive hundreds of miles to chase after his wife. What the hell was that astronaut thinking?
Woggle Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 Also men can be just as stupid when it comes to women. Look at Kid Rock and Tommy Lee fighting over Pamela Anderson. How is she worth fighting over?
OpenBook Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 Also men can be just as stupid when it comes to women. Look at Kid Rock and Tommy Lee fighting over Pamela Anderson. How is she worth fighting over? Kid Rock and Tommy Lee??? Wow, what a catch THEY are.
Woggle Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 Kid Rock and Tommy Lee??? Wow, what a catch THEY are. Nev er said they were but Pamelka Anderson is no better. Her and Tommy Lee deserve each other.
PoshPrincess Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 Nev er said they were but Pamelka Anderson is no better. Her and Tommy Lee deserve each other. Is she back with HIM then? I don't keep up with celebrity goss much. Where have I been?!!!!! And, yes, they do deserve each other. They do say love is blind, don't they?
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