IpAncA Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 How do some of you deal with breakings without closure? Do you think it's faisr to not have that or think it's selfish of people who know answers but feel your better off if you didn't know about certain things?
Pyro Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 Good choice of topic. In my past experiences, I dealt horribly when I didn't get any closure. I would rather have it all be on the table in front of me. Theres not much that surprises me anymore.
Author IpAncA Posted September 5, 2007 Author Posted September 5, 2007 I dealt horribly when I didn't get any closure. So how did you get over it?
norajane Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 I think ending a relationship without giving any sort of closure is cowardly - you ought to be able to face the person whom you were in a relationship with and tell them what's what. You can move past it even without closure - you have to give it to yourself and realize on your own that the person you were dealing with isn't the right one for you if they can't even respect you enough to deal with you honestly.
Pyro Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 So how did you get over it? -Time -Coming to terms with a few different things -Reading some great books
Author IpAncA Posted September 5, 2007 Author Posted September 5, 2007 I think ending a relationship without giving any sort of closure is cowardly - you ought to be able to face the person whom you were in a relationship with and tell them what's what. You can move past it even without closure - you have to give it to yourself and realize on your own that the person you were dealing with isn't the right one for you if they can't even respect you enough to deal with you honestly. True and I agree but wouldn't that bug you as to why? Especially if you reminded of it here and there?
norajane Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 True and I agree but wouldn't that bug you as to why? Especially if you reminded of it here and there? Of course it would bug me. And it would probably be painful and hurt a lot. But you have to accept that you can't change it - you can't force someone to face up to you and help give you closure, in most cases. So yeah, you wallow for a while, and it will continue to sting when you are reminded here and there, and then eventually, it all fades away...just as most pains do. If you get your life back on track and start to enjoy it again, it really does go away. You just don't care anymore.
longwalks Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 I was once dumped after five intense months of mutually being "in love". I was given no reason for her change of heart. It really bothered me. I thought she was cowardly. Or crazy. Or a bit of both. I was pretty sure she hadn't dumped me for another. I kept insisting for a reason but I received nothing. Now I don't think it was so exceptional, especially given the duration of our "relationship" and reading about other people's experiences on this board. I can remember asking, back when we were together, why she fell in love in with me. She really couldn't pinpoint any specific reasons. The answer was a variation of "because you're you, a unique combination of different traits". I didn't mind that answer then, but I now realize that the exact same answer can also be applied to the question, why did you fall out of love with me? It's scary but some people out there don't give love much thought, instead, they prefer to just feel their way in and out of relationships.
Author IpAncA Posted September 5, 2007 Author Posted September 5, 2007 I can remember asking, back when we were together, why she fell in love in with me. She really couldn't pinpoint any specific reasons. The answer was a variation of "because you're you, a unique combination of different traits". I didn't mind that answer then, but I now realize that the exact same answer can also be applied to the question, why did you fall out of love with me? Ah...your right Longwalks, you can apply that answer to numerous questions. Well I'll add mine. I never got closure and never to this day found out "why" to a bunch of things. Everything happend over a couple of days and that was it. No explaining, no nothing, and was introduced to the silent treatment. I did later find out somethings but I didn't even get to explain my side. It was like "that's it we're done FU." But heres the kicker, it ended with him believing lies and rumors. Pretty stupid actually and the people that helped laughed with gee.
johan Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 I got "closure" once. I was told straight up what it was about me that she didn't like. This was after 4 years of being together, and 2 years of living together. What she told me killed my self-esteem and it took me a long time to get past. I became very self-critical, and I didn't blame her for anything. When I did come to terms with what happened, I realized that she was only telling me about surface stuff. The symptoms, not the illness. It took me years to figure out what was really wrong. And I realized that she didn't understand any better than I did at the time. She provided "closure" but it was wrong, and it really played with my mind. I don't look for it now. I don't need the other person to tell me why their feelings changed. The fact that it happened is enough for me. I don't want to blame myself or blame them. I just want to move on and get past it as quickly and painlessly as possible. Closure to me is a form of dwelling. It's searching for an explanation for something that should be obvious. No one is obligated to love you, and if they stop loving you there really isn't anything more to discuss about it.
wwjd Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 you know, i don't really even know what "closure" is because i have never gotten it. in my past break-ups, albeit all with the same person, there was always a big fight followed by an angry "i can't be with you anymore!!" because of said fight, and then departure. in the end, i am always left wondering many, many things, and it does make it hard. but maybe that is the closure you guys talk about. i doubt it, though.
birdie Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 you know, i don't really even know what "closure" is because i have never gotten it. in my past break-ups, albeit all with the same person, there was always a big fight followed by an angry "i can't be with you anymore!!" because of said fight, and then departure. in the end, i am always left wondering many, many things, and it does make it hard. but maybe that is the closure you guys talk about. i doubt it, though. you never got closure because the two of you never got to the bottom of what the main issues were I think
Citizen Erased Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 To end a relationship, especially a long-term one, is a gradual thing. By the time it comes to the break-up, the person doing the breaking up are well and truly done with the relationship. Their feelings are dealt with. You gain distance from your now former partner, and usually you don't want to see them around too much. No-one likes to break someone's heart. And no-one likes to watch the person you shared everything with for months, years etc come to terms with the end of the relationship. Yes, it is selfish not to give closure. But we don't feel what others feel. All we can go by is what we know, what we feel, and deal with accordingly. No-one can end a relationship in a good way. It hurts no matter what. And for someone already checked out of the relationship, seems pointless perhaps to hash out every reason why, feelings involved, jealousy etc.
Feigned Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 Might want to have a look at the same topic here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t129047/
Author IpAncA Posted September 5, 2007 Author Posted September 5, 2007 I don't look for it now. I don't need the other person to tell me why their feelings changed. The fact that it happened is enough for me. I don't want to blame myself or blame them. I just want to move on and get past it as quickly and painlessly as possible. Closure to me is a form of dwelling. It's searching for an explanation for something that should be obvious. No one is obligated to love you, and if they stop loving you there really isn't anything more to discuss about it. That's understandable. Maybe it's best in some instances we don't know why. Yes, it is selfish not to give closure. But we don't feel what others feel. All we can go by is what we know, what we feel, and deal with accordingly. No-one can end a relationship in a good way. It hurts no matter what. And for someone already checked out of the relationship, seems pointless perhaps to hash out every reason why, feelings involved, jealousy etc. True but the person shouldn't check out without a reason why. You don't have to get into deep details or analyze feelings. Might want to have a look at the same topic here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t129047/ Oh well...so there's two. There's lots of topics that have more than one thread on here.
Curious139 Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 I don't look for it now. I don't need the other person to tell me why their feelings changed. The fact that it happened is enough for me. I don't want to blame myself or blame them. I just want to move on and get past it as quickly and painlessly as possible. Closure to me is a form of dwelling. It's searching for an explanation for something that should be obvious. No one is obligated to love you, and if they stop loving you there really isn't anything more to discuss about it. Good post and I agree. It is better to be given a gentle answer along the lines of "its not working for me anymore" than just hearing nothing at all. However ultimately the painful truth is that they no longer want to be with you. That is heartbreaking but we cannot change how another person feels. Only they can do that.
Thursday_le Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 Regardless of weither to get closure or not. You still have to find a way to get over it. Its hard to not get closure because you wonder why, If only, but this...and your mind everntually comes up with a conclusion. Where as if you get closure, you dont wonder what it was, you wonder what you did/n't do. What you could have done....ect. You wil also wonder if the other person was just saying stuff to cover up other things. I wounldnt accept a, Things arent the same or working out anymore, Thats just cheap theatre talk.(Just doctored up phrases that are so cliche.) So in my opinion, It doesnt matter if you get closure or not. Because at the end of the day, your heart is still broken. 1
Trialbyfire Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 How do some of you deal with breakings without closure? Do you think it's faisr to not have that or think it's selfish of people who know answers but feel your better off if you didn't know about certain things? What I've found with providing closure is that closure only becomes meaningful if the dumpee is willing to accept what is said. If the reasons are negated or ignored, a dumpee will still feel they don't have closure.
Isabella82 Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 I was also left out of the blue after two years.... no explanation whatsoever. I thought everything was great, and was in complete shock. Took a lot for me to move and without any answers. Now when I look back, and after bumping into him after 3 years... I just don't care anymore. Does it still hurt? Yeah sometimes the fact that he could have done something like that. I still have a hard time trusting people. But I have moved on and realized that an answer would have done nothing for me. He left and thats all that matters, and not everyone would do something like that. It was very very wierd the way that he left me. And I just think that he has his own issues that had nothing to do with me.
Reactor Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 I always believe that if you enter a relationship that you also enter into the reality that one day it might end because your feelings change or that person doesn't meet your requirements. As a result you should at least be able to tell that person bluntly and honestly that its not working and that it NEVER will. My ex couldn't do it for me, she kept saying "Well maybe in two years time or whatever." Do yourself a favour, be blunt and honest, if not for yourself, for the other person. If you find you can't do that, in my opinion you should probably stay out of relationships till you can. If my ex had said to me it will never ever work and she will never ever love me then I wouldn't be stuck in this mess now! Right now I have to get over the things she said and try and get myself out of this hole! Of course when you say its NEVER going to work don't be nasty and pick out all their bad points, theres a fine line between giving them the closure they need and just being downright nasty about it. Regards, Reactor
Curious139 Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 I got "closure" once. I was told straight up what it was about me that she didn't like. This was after 4 years of being together, and 2 years of living together. What she told me killed my self-esteem and it took me a long time to get past. I became very self-critical, and I didn't blame her for anything. . I feel for you and what you experienced is one of the reasons I think it is dangerous for the hurt person to keep seeking reasons from the ex-love. Ultimately if you annoy them enough they'll say nasty things just to get you off their back. Then you are not only hurt but devastated with your self-esteem in tatters and all self-respect gone. Not good. Hard as it is, they don't want to be with you anymore whatever the reasons and we somehow have to accept that. So looking for closure can be futile sometimes and harmful.
Author IpAncA Posted September 7, 2007 Author Posted September 7, 2007 As a result you should at least be able to tell that person bluntly and honestly that its not working and that it NEVER will. My ex couldn't do it for me, she kept saying "Well maybe in two years time or whatever." Do yourself a favour, be blunt and honest, if not for yourself, for the other person. If you find you can't do that, in my opinion you should probably stay out of relationships till you can. If my ex had said to me it will never ever work and she will never ever love me then I wouldn't be stuck in this mess now! Sorry to hear about your situation Reactor. I agree that people should be honest and shouldn't beat around the brush with crap. Just shows me what kind of people they are when they act immature.
underpants Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 I agree that people should be honest and shouldn't beat around the brush with crap. Just shows me what kind of people they are when they act immature. True that. You know. Sometimes you really get a glimpse into someone's true character during a break up. It is unfortunate when you are on the receiving end of immaturity and/or games. What ever issues spawn this inability to be final in a decision to end things and do so with care and integrity and yes, finality. Sometimes, although painful, it is all the closure you need to know that this type of person is not someone you want to be with either.
allina Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 I don't really understand the concept of closure. I think that most of the time when people say that need to speak to an ex or see an ex "to get closure" it really means they hope to see an ex and get them back. I just don't see the point if someone decides that they no longer love you or want to be with you why would you need them to give you reasons, they'll probably just lie to avoid more drama.
Author IpAncA Posted September 7, 2007 Author Posted September 7, 2007 I just don't see the point if someone decides that they no longer love you or want to be with you why would you need them to give you reasons, they'll probably just lie to avoid more drama. Because some people give their hearts in a relationship and when it's been stabbed they want to know why. I personally don't know anyone who doesn't want to know why it ended or at least have their reasons why they think it did confirmed. True that. You know. Sometimes you really get a glimpse into someone's true character during a break up. It is unfortunate when you are on the receiving end of immaturity and/or games. What ever issues spawn this inability to be final in a decision to end things and do so with care and integrity and yes, finality. Sometimes, although painful, it is all the closure you need to know that this type of person is not someone you want to be with either. Yeah no doubt there. You do sometimes see a side you didn't know they were capable of. But I also think some people don't realize how "no closure" can impact a person. Especially if they were in the dark about it.
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