wavygravy17 Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 So I'm really young and I know that my experience is not life-shattering, but I'm looking for some insight and advice. A few months ago I met a wonderful man and we started dating and he's amazingly good to me and I have very few complaints. Intellectually he's not really meeting my needs, but I have friends for that and I'm in school so it's not a big problem. Recently, a guy I went to high school with told me that he wants to date me. Ordinarily I'd say "too bad," but I always had a crush on this guy and I feel like we missed out, so I invited him to a party over the weekend that my boyfriend wasn't going to because he had to work, and the dude didn't show. He tried really hard to hang out with me last night but I refused because I had class early this morning, so we made plans to hang out tonight and the guy stood me up. So that's his loss and I'm saved from actually cheating on my boyfriend, but now my adrenaline is all activated and I'm emotionally invested in this dude and I don't get excited when I'm thinking about my boyfriend. I want to forget this guy and be excited about my boyfriend again, so I'm hoping to hear from people who have been in similar situations, and really anybody with anything constructive to say. I'm sure sleep and time will do the most good, but it's helpful to talk about it with people who can relate. Thanks.
bestadvisor Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 Ordinarily I'd say "too bad," but I always had a crush on this guy and I feel like we missed out, so I invited him to a party over the weekend that my boyfriend wasn't going to because he had to work, and the dude didn't show. we made plans to hang out tonight and the guy stood me up. So, basically, you wanted to cheat, but you got stood up. I'm sure you will try again. By the way, I believe this "infidelity" board is under "Marriage & LIfe Partnerships" thus only applies to married couples. Try the "Dating" board.
whichwayisup Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 You're 17 years old and you're young. If you don't feel "it" for your boyfriend, then you need to take some time and think about what you want out of the relationship. To let some other guy, the crush, get your attention and the only reason why you didn't cheat is because he stood you up (Now, he either stood you up because he is a player and an a-hole, played a little game with you OR he knew you had a boyfriend and decided he wasn't going to hook up with you) you gotta ask yourself "Am I in love with my boyfriend and is it fair for us to continue dating." I mean, if your boyfriend is in love with you and you aren't with him, and you're having urges to cheat on him, maybe it's time to end the relationship before you DO end up cheating on him and hurting him badly. Your boyfriend doesn't deserve that, considering you say he treats you well and is a good person. DO you feel bad at all for the 'almost' cheating?
norajane Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 So I'm really young ...and that is one reason why it sounds like you aren't ready to settle down with your current bf. Dating is about getting to know people and figuring out if you are good together. Sometimes, we end up dating people who are perfectly great, but we don't click on certain, important levels. It sounds like you and your bf might not be connecting on a level you both need. Intellectually he's not really meeting my needs, but I have friends for that and I'm in school so it's not a big problem. This is a big problem, actually. If you don't connect on an intellectual level, that affects your relationship as a whole - it means you aren't connecting, so he's not actually the kind of guy you can really be with. Your relationship isn't exciting and stimulating on an intellectual level, so you aren't as into him as you might be otherwise. but now my adrenaline is all activated and I'm emotionally invested in this dude and I don't get excited when I'm thinking about my boyfriend. If just the idea of a date with this other guy got you all emotionally invested and excited, then it's clear that you weren't emotionally invested in and excited about your bf to begin with. You've only been with your bf a few months - if it's not exciting now, it's not going to get more exciting in the future. This is the 'first flush' of a relationship - you and your bf should be crazy about each other right now. If you're not just because another guy came into the picture, then you know that you weren't crazy about your bf and aren't likely to become so. The only thing I can think of that might get your excitement and emotional investment back (if you ever had it to begin with) is maybe the possibility of losing your bf, or losing your bf to another girl. How would that make you feel? Would you care? Would you be heartbroken? Or would you be fine and on the lookout for someone new pretty quickly?
Author wavygravy17 Posted September 5, 2007 Author Posted September 5, 2007 I'm 22, not 17. Don't know where 17 came from. To norajane and whichwayisup, thank you for reading my whole post and commenting so thoughtfully. I believed that I was in love with my boyfriend before the new guy entered the picture, and I definitely love him (like a best friend). I feel TERRIBLE about almost cheating and, to bestadvisor, I think it's probable that I will learn a lesson from this and not repeat it. I'm angry at the new guy for being a jerk and angry at myself for...being a jerk. I want to be good to my boyfriend and make him feel as loved as he makes me feel. You're right norajane, I guess it is a big deal that we don't connect intellectually and it probably means we won't be together forever, but I didn't expect that we would anyway. The thought of ending it with him, though, or losing him to another girl gets me choked up. I care very much about him. He's one of the best people I know and I want him to be happy. I don't want this experience to hang between us like a funk. He's said that if I cheat on him it's over so I'm afraid to try and talk about this with him to clear it away. I'm sincerely sorry and sad about it.
whichwayisup Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 I'm 22, not 17. Don't know where 17 came from You said you were really young and I saw the 17 at the end of your username.... 22 is young, but not 'really' young. So you knew going in that if you ever cheated on him, he'd break up with you? And you still 'almost' cheated? For a guy who is a jerk? Sorry to say this, but maybe subconsciously you do want to end things with your boyfriend, but you cheating would make him end it with you first... Don't let ego get in the way either. If you two break up, he is free to date anyone he'd like, just like you will have that same freedom. Either way, I wish you luck and I hope you two can work together to make your relationship better, if that is what you want.
norajane Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 I guess it is a big deal that we don't connect intellectually and it probably means we won't be together forever, but I didn't expect that we would anyway. Then why is it so important that you stay in this relationship if you know it's not going anywhere? Does he know it's not going anywhere? It's not fair if he's in love with you and is thinking you two have a future, if you already know it's a 'just fun for now' relationship. He's getting in deeper with you, while you are already making dates with other guys...
Author wavygravy17 Posted September 5, 2007 Author Posted September 5, 2007 I want to be with my boyfriend for as long as he'll have me. I want to work on our relationship so that it's satisfying for both of us. I guess what happened is that this new guy got my ego all excited and I gave into it. Fortunately for me, he stood me up and I realized what an idiot I've been. Of course, if we broke up, my boyfriend would be free to do whatever he wanted to do. I was answering norajane's question about how I'd feel about losing him when I said I was getting choked up. It would be a long time before he was out of my system and I stopped carrying him around with me emotionally. I don't want to lose him and I do want very much to deserve him.
Cobra_X30 Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 I want to be with my boyfriend for as long as he'll have me. I want to work on our relationship so that it's satisfying for both of us. I guess what happened is that this new guy got my ego all excited and I gave into it. Fortunately for me, he stood me up and I realized what an idiot I've been. Of course, if we broke up, my boyfriend would be free to do whatever he wanted to do. I was answering norajane's question about how I'd feel about losing him when I said I was getting choked up. It would be a long time before he was out of my system and I stopped carrying him around with me emotionally. I don't want to lose him and I do want very much to deserve him. Well thats an interesting quandry. See, whatever made you choose to seek affection elsewhere has zero to do with your current BF. It's your own internal issue. The way you put it, it almost sounds like you will fall for any guy who shows you some attention! Thats a very dangerous place to be. I would invest some time into deep introspection. Someday a great guy is going to come along... are you going to depend on HIM to prevent you from cheating? If you do, I fear you may hurt alot of people... including yourself!
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