Chinook Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 Hi Guys, I've stayed away a while because all the heartbreak and pain was kinda holding me in my pain too. I tried to move on. I guess I took drastic measures. I severed all contact with the group of so called friends I had associated with my ex. I found out there was some bitching and arguing going on and well, I grew mentally too stressed and tired to deal with it (which is why I took a break here too). Basically, I spent my time just trying to get through the day. Working, eating, sleeping, checking email occasionally (not his email because his is still blocked). Basically, I had grown into the place of being kinda numb. I thought I was coping okay. I thought I was getting there. It's 11 weeks today since he dumped me. I kinda thought the worst would be over by now. But today, for some reason I just can't stop thinking about him. I know he was crappy to me and I have no intention of contacting him at all. It just hurts like it was yesterday. It feels as bad as it did 11 weeks ago and I just feel real low. Has anyone else experienced a set-back like this before...? I have never been through this before. When I've dated before and it's ended, it's taken a while but generally it's gone forwards all the time. This time, I seem to be sad a lot. I know I wouldn't be sad if I hadn't cared but I just want to wipe him out of my head. If you recall a few weeks ago I was saying I couldn't clearly recall what he looked like and I thought it was my brain's way of protecting me... aye well, that seems to be wearing off and the whole 'recalling stuff' is happening a lot and I can't stop weeping. I just want it to stop. How do you guys get through...? You just keep breathing right..? Not thinking..?
Ormolu611 Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 Hi Guys, I've stayed away a while because all the heartbreak and pain was kinda holding me in my pain too. I tried to move on. I guess I took drastic measures. I severed all contact with the group of so called friends I had associated with my ex. I found out there was some bitching and arguing going on and well, I grew mentally too stressed and tired to deal with it (which is why I took a break here too). Basically, I spent my time just trying to get through the day. Working, eating, sleeping, checking email occasionally (not his email because his is still blocked). Basically, I had grown into the place of being kinda numb. I thought I was coping okay. I thought I was getting there. It's 11 weeks today since he dumped me. I kinda thought the worst would be over by now. But today, for some reason I just can't stop thinking about him. I know he was crappy to me and I have no intention of contacting him at all. It just hurts like it was yesterday. It feels as bad as it did 11 weeks ago and I just feel real low. Has anyone else experienced a set-back like this before...? I have never been through this before. When I've dated before and it's ended, it's taken a while but generally it's gone forwards all the time. This time, I seem to be sad a lot. I know I wouldn't be sad if I hadn't cared but I just want to wipe him out of my head. If you recall a few weeks ago I was saying I couldn't clearly recall what he looked like and I thought it was my brain's way of protecting me... aye well, that seems to be wearing off and the whole 'recalling stuff' is happening a lot and I can't stop weeping. I just want it to stop. How do you guys get through...? You just keep breathing right..? Not thinking..? Chinook, I can identify with you. 11 weeks out is an accomplishment for sure. These setbacks from my experience are normal. I have been having one myself for the last couple of days - yesterday was my ex's B-Day. I have been broken up for over 6 months now and it still affects me just about every day. Has it gotten better? Absolutely, but there are days when you slide back emotionally and when it feels fresh and raw. I honestly think that it will take another 6 months for me at least. My relationship lasted for nearly 10 years. I have dated another person since then, and she really, really cared for me. I wasn't looking for someone to date, but she was kind of aggressive. It was nice, but simply too soon for me. I felt bad that it had to end, but it was the best thing for both of us. When you are feeling low, just try to do something to take your mind off of things. Anything. Take a walk or a jog, call a friend, write poetry, go see a movie, go get a manicure, anything! It is hard and there is no easy way - I would have found it by now. I iknow what you mean about Loveshack and dwelling on it. I have not been on in a little while, but sometimes it feels good to come back and post and read. Keep posting when you need to - I would love to hear how you are doing. you are not alone here.
Author Chinook Posted September 5, 2007 Author Posted September 5, 2007 I don't really know what to say. I wish I felt like I did a couple of weeks ago when I didn't feel anything - or at least it felt like I didn't feel anything. I guess I was angry and upset, too much so to actually make sense of what I actually felt. It's 3:20am here now. I haven't had a late night like this in a long time. I was lying in bed and I couldn't close my eyes. For some reason I started sleeping on 'my' side of the bed, when previously I had been sleeping in the middle. Of course that leaves the other (his) side of the bed empty. Sometimes, I imagine I can still faintly smell him there. But I know I can't because all the bed linen was laundered and re-laundered months ago. I kinda reached across and put my hand on the pillow where he'd once laid his head and looked at me and told me he loved me. Sometimes it's hard to know that will never happen again...that he's never going to ever lie there again. It's crazy because he treated me really badly in the end... why does the mind forget all the crazy hurtful stuff when that's what you should be focusing on..? I hate that it's this way. I keep thinking about how different things are now. When he was here, the place was so noisy, he was so noisy, always chattering, always doing stuff, always something going on. It's so quiet here now. When I get home from work, I never speak to a single soul because as I said earlier, I severed my contact with people who, I pretty much see as being toxic to me. Now there's nothing but me. Introspection and pain. For the last 11 weeks, I've watched DVDs. I've been to yoga classes, running club and triathlon club. The last two I stopped going because I was slowest there and basically, I needed a confidence boost and there's no way that's coming from having to have people wait for me or holding others' training back. So I would rather train alone. I've read books and emailed a couple of friends. That's it. Life just seems so empty and I kinda struggle to just fill the time just in order to get the day over with. Right now, I just don't know what to do with myself.
JCD Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 It'll take time but eventually you'll forget about him. Meanwhile keep busy to keep your mind off of him as much as possible. I wouldn't date others until you're over him as it wouldn't be fair to your dates.
Curious139 Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 Hi Chinook It is good to see you posting again even though it is so painful for you. I'm giving you a virtual hug and want to tell you how much I appreciated your advice on various threads to other people when I first came here. You are a caring person with deep empathy and you are able to translate that into sound advice, which is a rare talent. I too went away for a few days because eventually the pain here was too much but maybe I'm coping better now. My counsellor said this forum is like a sort of group therapy and views it very positively. I think one of your issues is that you are lonely at the moment. You've lost a lot of social contact as well as losing your lover which is a double blow to your life. No wonder you are feeling low, you are absolutely entitled to feel that way. This lost love trauma doesn't proceed in easy or predictable stages. We all slip back at times, things will remind us, little memories spark deep sadness. I wish I could say when it all fades away but for everyone it is different. In my opinion many of the people here are of the type who have high emotional intelligence. We are able to connect and feel for others at a deep and fundamental level. That also makes us more vulnerable because our emotional committment leaves our hearts out in the open to be wounded. Take care of yourself Chinook and know that you are highly valued on LS.
FC801 Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 Hi Chinook, We missed you around here:) I did the same as you with the mutual friends, got rid of every last one who still talked to him. It was lonely at first, and so hard, but I think it was for the best. I didn't want to have to walk on egg shells around them and have to pretend I still think he's a decent guy. I didn't want any possible way of hearing what he is up to, because it hurt too much. And most importantly, I felt like our mutual friends still saw me as part of a couple, and I needed to be an individual again. For a while I just stayed home and felt sorry for myself, but lately, I've started to go out and meet new people. It's nice to start a friendship or even just a conversation with someone who has no idea who your ex is. Maybe that would help you too? The empty, lonely apartment was too much for me though. I would just come home and think of him living here with me, cry over sweet things he said to me, etc...So, I got myself a roommate. And it has been great! My roommate was recently dumped by his long-term, live-in girlfriend, so we are kind of in the same boat. I didn't know how I would feel about living with someone other than my significant other and so soon, but it has been really helpful, and keeps me occupied and cheerier than I was sulking every night by myself. I don't know if you're in a situation where you could get a roommate, but I would recommend it. Or even just ask a girlfriend to stay with you for a week, like a mini-vacation. As for your setback, I think it is totally normal, especially when someone was such a huge part of your life for so long, like he was in yours. There are so many memories to overcome, and it's easy to fall back into old feelings when you're vulnerable and missing him. I wish I had an answer for you on how to get through the setbacks, but I don't. Just keep taking it day by day, and expect that for every three steps forward, you will take one step back. Because you're not just letting go of him, you're letting go of who you were with him and who you thought you would be in the future at his side. And that is unbearably sad and difficult. People keep saying time heals all wounds, and I'd like to believe they're right, even if it seems impossible at the moment. Hang in there honey.
marty Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 certainly have missed you here! ive been wrapped up in my own stuff and didnt even see this post till today. you gave me so much help and advice ,, and i wish i could give you some back. as you know,, i'm a few weeks behind you when it comes to dealing with all this stuff. if you need a shoulder, my msn is still on my thread i think. take care you!!
tinke Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 hey chinook..good to hear from you.. it's been 6 mo. for me, and it is better, but..i too, have those days. mostly, disbelief of the suddenness. (10 yrs.). he has moved onto another...very quickly! that in itself is a recipe for disaster, in my opinion. but anyway, when i have the urge to call, i ask myself why? what do i really want to accomplish with that call? after much searching, i don't have the answers............this usually will deter me. i find it wise of you to stop the toxic friendships and start anew. truthfully, it is a new you, the perfect time to make life changes..readjust. your social life will pick up in time, enjoy this time to re-connect with yourself. all of this is a learning experience for us, and will only benefit the next people in our lives, and us, of course! hang in there, know that many of us are exactly where you are . this site has truly helped, know we are here for you! take good care.
Author Chinook Posted October 16, 2007 Author Posted October 16, 2007 Hi Guys It's 17 weeks tomorrow. Funny thing is, I had to actually check back and look how long it had been. That has to be a good thing right...? It's kinda weird that I was feeling so bad almost a month ago because I feel very differently about the ex now. I don't think about him that much at all now and it's with very distant feelings, if any at all. I guess you could say I'm feeling kinda numb. I think though that somehow it helps a little bit. It makes life a little more bearable I guess. I don't really miss him either. I suppose I do miss someone to share things with and I'm kinda worried that I'm going to grow into a place where I'm used to being alone. In fact, I'm already sabotaging stuff so that it stays that way, which is kinda worrying. A few weeks ago there was a guy at work, an electrician who was kinda flirting with me. He seemed nice. But I didn't really flirt back. I didn't also give any encouragement. Then in conversation, I asked about the electrical stuff they were working on - and I explained my house alarm had been faulty. Electrician offered to take a look at it. He came to the house and fixed it. Didn't charge me and gave me his card. Things during that visit were kinda weird. I liked him. I liked him enough to ask him out - but I didn't. I played the whole thing out in my head, we'd get along well, we'd do stuff and something would happen and one of us would walk away. I decided I just wasn't going there. Anyhow, he asked me in passing conversation what happened with the split with my ex and was it amicable and I stonewalled him. I just didn't want to explain it. After he finished working, he gave me his card and asked me to call him if there was a problem. Anyhow, I used the contact details and I mailed him. I explained about the ex and I explained I'm not going there. Not heard anything since (unsurprisingly). Am I disappointed with myself...? Yeah I am kinda. It's the very first time I didn't give someone a chance based on the experience of having dealt with someone else. I can't see that changing either and the more time that passes and the more that I find to do, I find I need people less and less. That's pretty worrying. I don't really want to be alone, but I'm not sure how to avoid pushing people away. I'm hoping when the right person comes along, it won't be an issue. Sorry I've stayed away you guys, sometimes the pain here and seeing other people's stories so closely mirroring my own, feels like I'm stuck. I know it helps to help others and I'm hoping the staying away isn't permanent. I just wanted to check in and say I was okay and I'm still having a look in here now and then. /hugs to you guys too. Cx
Sanslatete Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Hi Guys I don't really want to be alone, but I'm not sure how to avoid pushing people away. I'm hoping when the right person comes along, it won't be an issue. Same here chinook, I seem to involve myself less and less with people (at least emotionally) all the time. I've got huge walls up now and plenty armour. I find I don't care about much these days, it's as if I lost a big part of what makes me....me, when she left. I don't have her so I don't really give a ***** about many others now. I guess it's self-destructive in the long run, but I can't care less. I'm just cold and dead inside and nothing really excites or moves me really, just the same old nothingness every day. I hope I do move on somehow, sometime, I don't want to feel like this indefinitely. I just don't see anyone who makes my heart miss a beat or even mildly interest me. I just see her everywhere, I have to spend a lot of time in and around the places we spent a lot of time and there's millions of memories. I see bits of her in every woman in the street, same legs, eyes, hair, and that's worrying, if not slightly obsessive I think. Six and a half years then kicked to the kerb, I want to move on, I want to feel something.....anything, but I'm very broken still.
Trialbyfire Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Chinook, don't push yourself. I think it's more a timing issue than the right person. Sometimes you have to take time for yourself and not have to hassle with dating or even a lot of interaction with others. When you've built your emotional reserves back up, you will know it and be ready to get out and socialize.
Author Chinook Posted October 16, 2007 Author Posted October 16, 2007 Hi TBF Yeah, I know. I think subconsciously, maybe that's why I avoided this last guy. Things were pretty in my face with him - showing up at my office etc when in my building, double parking in front of my car so I'd have to ask him to move it etc. The usual doing things to just get a chance to chat thing. I avoided it I think because I know I'm not ready. Having time alone right now is a little weird...whilst it's lonesome, I'm not actually lonely. If that makes sense. I spend quite a bit of time alone, but I'm not really upset by that. I'm kinda busy with fixing the house up (have repainted the whole thing right the way through downstairs - kitchen & utility, lounge, dining room & hallway and stairs) and I've made the effort to see my close friend once a week. It's kinda been easier on me to NOT be around people and NOT discuss things (which is probably why I stayed away from LS too). I think you're right about the time thing. I know I need a lot more time yet. I'm kinda proud of myself for knowing what I need too. Before now, one of my mistakes has been jumping in before I was actually ready and then having to end things when it could have been avoided.
Trialbyfire Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 I'm kinda proud of myself for knowing what I need too. Well that makes two of us. Not too many people know what they need or deny it. Way to go!!
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