Ssheena Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 To those of you who wait a few months and go no contact and then start missing your x and remembering only the good stuff and not the bad (and maybe look on myspace and find out they are in a relationship now).....Let me tell you what I did and the consequences. I sent an email to my x on Friday after having a lot to drink. It was a pleasant email. I hoped that it found him in a great place, that he is healthy etc. I said I missed him. I said I missed the feelings he and I shared and that I wished I had thought before I said the things that I did to him. I told him that if he ever needed to talk to someone who cared about him, he could give me a call and I signed it Love, Sxxx He wrote me back today. He is doing fine, he is in a serious relationship, he's happy and healthy. He doesn't think we should communicate or stay friends as it wouldn't be healthy for either of us. (I know it's not for me, I've gone completely off the deep end. I've up my Prozac to about 3x what I was taking, I'm thinking of crashing the car and killing myself, I'm at work and had to take two anti-anxiety pills). My therapist asked me if I would be "safe" until tomorrow. I get it now. I really do. It's totally totally over and broken and there is no going back ever. This is a guy I've loved for over 8 years and the first one I fell in love with after my x-husband. I'm going to go home and really make a list of all the bad things, things that drove me crazy about him and read it over and over. I'm also well aware that I'm having a very hard time with my daughter being away at college.
Kamille Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 And I thought I was having a bad day! Sheena, this is likely as bad as it gets. The moment of realization REALLY hurts. You will feel a little better in a few days... Why not prepare a care package for your daughter to distract you? big hug! keep posting!
ftheunion Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 Sorry for the hurt. Indescribable. You HAVE to remain living for your daughter. As far as the prozac,.........................theres nothing wrong with seeking a support group or counseling. Evolution is just there, and it leaves us with what it does. Maybe you could move away from California. I just graduated from highschool, my only girlfriend affected me a lot, but that was before highschool. I chose to move out of CA. I had no reason to stay. It might help somewhat. Your memory can slip away when you are far away from the familiar setting.
AriaIncognito Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 man Ssheena I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. You should have kept sending me messages. I replied to your one friday... Anyway, you know we're here to vent to. Please try to focus on yourself and your daughter and all the positive things about your life, and not the negative. I know it's so hard to do that right now, but you'll be out of this dark place soon. (hugs)
lonelybuthappy Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 To those of you who wait a few months and go no contact and then start missing your x and remembering only the good stuff and not the bad Bingo.. It's my position now.... 3 months of NC... And lately, my ex is coming to my dreams, and it is very hard to accept that...And, of course, like you said, I remember only good stuff. She was smart, interesting, unique... I think I must to remind myself : She had many issues, she was cold to outside, she didn't want to hold my hand in public many times, she was unhappy with her job, her car, her apartment, with me.... Thanks for sharing your feelings with us, it is sometimes very hard to handle with NC...And you reminded me to stay strong... I was dumped twice, and I wouldn't break NC for anything in the world. Next time she will need to come in person to my place and beg. Sshena, stay strong, try to enjoy your freedom..Try to eliminate drugs Little by little... Take care...
Author Ssheena Posted September 5, 2007 Author Posted September 5, 2007 Thank you all for your replies. I know this is just a dip (ok, maybe a pothole) in my "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" and I will get better - especially now that I have received such a harsh email from him. Even if I didn't want to be friends with someone it would still make me feel good to know that if anything happened I had someone who I knew cared about me. He not only closed the door, he throw away the key and locked it. I do remember the things that bothered me about him. I do have journals where I can look and go - huh? He didn't know how to use a toaster over? Or wtf? Why did he ask me to show him how to grocery shop? Or...wtf? You're 36 and never gone down on a woman before? Or...ummm... you see what coming out of mirrors and that's why you keep them covered? Or..ok, we are going to Vegas and not once did you offer to pay for any of it??? The list goes on and on. I'll discuss this all with my therapist today. I am coming to a point in my life where both my kids will be out of the house and then I can decide which direction I want my life to go. Where do I want to live? Do I want to go back to school? Do I want to move? (BTW, I live in CO and he lives in CA, it was a long distance thing with me, 99% of the time flying out to see him on my dime). The company I work for is going to go public pretty soon and I want some stock. I probably could move to the Bay Area and work there for awhile, rent out my house here. To be truthful, I had also thought about moving to where he is in Cali and living with him but..(on my dime). This is but a stumbling block. It is, without a doubt, his loss. I must also say that one of the BEST things I have done is immediately delete both his response and the email that I sent him. I have nothing to read over and over and/or even see in my inbox. I'm sure I'll have ups and downs again but thank goodness LS is here. I'm ashamed to tell my friends what I'm really going through and it hurts to know that I even sent one of them and email telling her I was really going through a hard time and she didn't even email back. That sucks. Reach out to a friend and don't even get an acknowledgement. To admit you are feeling like crap, really depressed and not even get a "sorry to hear that". Life goes on and in the grand scheme of things, what I'm going through isn't half as bad as what some people are going through. I'll say this though, it's awesome to know that there are people here that care. You guys rock.
Teacher's Pet Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 Ssheena...... I know what you are going through... You work hard to get over someone, and something keeps pulling you back to "that other time and place" in your life... Sadly, that's one of the roadblocks in the road to coping we all face..... But hey, you are surrounded by friends here. -tp designated driver on the road to coping
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