Ruby Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 When will I decide to not put up with the silent treatment he gives me when he gets upset? When will I decide that enough is enough? Why cant I just do it and then I wont have to put up with this upset anymore. I know he is not going to change so why do I stick around? How can I love a man who does this to me?
jcster Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 I know he is not going to change so why do I stick around? When you decide enough is enough and that love isn't supposed to be painful, you will be done. It's up to you.
cj1988 Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 You know what is sad is I have been asking myself the same question for months now and I am MAD at myself for even having to ask that question. When is enough ennough? When you have a nervous breakdown, when you are so depressed you cannot get out of bed? When? If you find out let me know !
climbergirl Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 Ruby (or any others going through this): How long does this silent treatment go on? and.. Have you told him that this upsets you?
VirtualInsanity Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 When you decide enough is enough and that love isn't supposed to be painful, you will be done. It's up to you. Yes I agree. Ruby I hope you find the strengh to do it. Why be in a relationship w/ someone like this?
Saxis Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 You know, I'm sure my STBXW thought the exact same things. If I felt I was being neglected or wanted something more from the relationship, I went cold. If I actually expressed myself, I felt I was just causing turmoil. It wasn't until recently that she told me she hadn't been in love with me nearly our entire marriage, and I had no idea. No wonder I felt so neglected, eh? Just don't drag it out like my X did! It was hard for me to communicate my feelings directly. Do you find yourself sitting there, trying to talk and getting only yes/no answers? Maybe indirect communication (e-mail, writing, etc.) would be better, until he feels comfortable talking? That was the easiest way for me to communicate. I just always felt that I would hurt her with what I had to say.
climbergirl Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 You know, I'm sure my STBXW thought the exact same things. If I felt I was being neglected or wanted something more from the relationship, I went cold. If I actually expressed myself, I felt I was just causing turmoil. It wasn't until recently that she told me she hadn't been in love with me nearly our entire marriage, and I had no idea. No wonder I felt so neglected, eh? Just don't drag it out like my X did! It was hard for me to communicate my feelings directly. Do you find yourself sitting there, trying to talk and getting only yes/no answers? Maybe indirect communication (e-mail, writing, etc.) would be better, until he feels comfortable talking? That was the easiest way for me to communicate. I just always felt that I would hurt her with what I had to say. I agree. Everyone has a different way of dealing with stress and problems in a relationship. A lot of men need a day or two to cool off-- not wanting to say something they regret or become 'mentally' prepared for whatever issues at hand. And, IMO, that's acceptable. But more than a day or two of the silent treatment says something else.
Author Ruby Posted September 4, 2007 Author Posted September 4, 2007 He gpes quiet on me for no reason that I know of sometimes - It has lasted for between 1 day and 13 days and when he eventually wants to talk he never says sorry, he turns it on me and I end up saying sorry! WTH! I am sick of the roller coaster called my relationship! I have spoken to him about it EVERY time he has done this, I have threatened a split, cried, been angry, spoke quietly, explained my feelings and none of it has worked as he has done it again! He makes excuses and blames me and tells me he will try not to do it again but he never dmits he was wrong or says sorry. I am a strong independant, attractive woman, how am I letting him get away with this?
Author Ruby Posted September 4, 2007 Author Posted September 4, 2007 He has told me that he prefers to wlk away and take time to think about a problem so that he doenst say something he regrets. I agree with that but a week is taking the mick! Even 3 days is too much This time all I did was go out with my friends for the night and he ignored me for 3 days and then expected to come to my house and be normal and he blatantly lied to me by saying he fell asleep. I know he spoke to his friend in the time he was supposed to be asleep! When I called him out on this he stands up and tells me not to call him and he walks out of my house! Go figure!
blind_otter Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 How can I love a man who does this to me? It's not love, it's addiction.
climbergirl Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 He gpes quiet on me for no reason that I know of sometimes - It has lasted for between 1 day and 13 days and when he eventually wants to talk he never says sorry, he turns it on me and I end up saying sorry! WTH! I am sick of the roller coaster called my relationship! I have spoken to him about it EVERY time he has done this, I have threatened a split, cried, been angry, spoke quietly, explained my feelings and none of it has worked as he has done it again! He makes excuses and blames me and tells me he will try not to do it again but he never dmits he was wrong or says sorry. I am a strong independant, attractive woman, how am I letting him get away with this? I checked out this situation online for you, and I don't want to say that he's abusive as I think you can determine for yourself, but virtually every site says this behavior is controlling and abusive. Here's one...... Answer Your husband is not a Narcissist; he is a plain old-fashioned abuser...and a very sadistic one at that. Of all the nasty things abusers do to their victims, the Silent Treatment is the most (IMO) sadistic. It shuts the other person out entirely, and that also shuts tthe door on any resolution to the issue at hand, which denotes the abuser is far more interested in getting pleasure out of his punishment than he is in actually trying to address whatever it is that is upsetting him in the first place, but usually there IS nothing viable; he manufactures issues so he CAN use his silence and get his sadistic satisfaction. He is very controlling...HE decides when HE is not going to talk and HE decides when you are ALLOWED to talk to him again and you have tolerated this abuse for SIX YEARS? In time, you will get physically ill, and lose all of your will and self-esteem forever. The longer you allow yourself to be a victim, the worse it will get because he will feel you will accept ANY ill treatment and it is OK, and also he loses more and more respect for you and your feelings. You are no longer a person to him, you are a thing for him to use and abuse whenever he feels like it. Since he will not change it is up to you to change, and the only solution to this problem is to leave him. He will not change, he will not even acknowledge he HAS a problem and will always, always turn everything against YOU. He is emotionally immature, to the point of being totally unable to communicate on any adult level or with any mature compassion...your only salvation is to get away from him ASAP. He is a very sick man and you must save yourself; you are reluctant to leave because you are emotionally dependent on him and also because he is, although abusive, familiar and you may be afraid of change, even a positive one...but you really have no other choice, and the longer you are away from him the stronger you will become and one day marvel at how much abuse you put up with...you also need to start a personal journal and write down all these incidents...the act of writing itself will give you a sense of empowerment and help you to organize your thoughts and emotions. Save yourself. Before you don't even care any more...
jcster Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 It's not love, it's addiction. Yes! Addicts can't stop, even when they want to. Even when the thing that they are doing (drug, person, behavior) makes them hate themselves and their life. Every day they wake up saying "no more" and go to bed kicking themselves for doing it again. How do you stop? You decide that your life should be more than it is. You decide that you're done hurting yourself and you STOP - any way you can - whatever it takes. It's worth it, and you can do it. But you have to have faith that your life can get better, or you'll never take the leap.
Author Ruby Posted September 4, 2007 Author Posted September 4, 2007 I have already read that on the net and it sounds just like him. I make him out to be a monster but he has such good ways it is such a shame he hasnt grown up! I know I need to get out of this relationship. I should be finding this easy to do, he makes me feel bad when he does this so why do I stay? Why have I put up with this for a year? I know I can be happy single as I was very happy single and I dont rely on him for anything at all. ie: money, child minding, emotional support. Help me guys how do I tell him it is over in a way that he knows I am serious and does not try to get me back? I know I will weaken if he tries to get me back. Help me please?
jcster Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 Help me guys how do I tell him it is over in a way that he knows I am serious and does not try to get me back? I know I will weaken if he tries to get me back. 1. Tell him "it's over, I can't take this anymore." 2. Walk out door 3. Never look back - no phone calls - no "dates." Just go. 4. Get on with your life. And before you say "easier said than done," I've done it several times. You need to really think about what this guy is doing for you. Is he a handy excuse to blame your life on? Does he make you feel validated because you feel like a victim? Do you want to save him and put all your energy into him instead of yourself? Addictions start out with a very good reason, and then become the reason. Why did you stick with him the first 3 times he did this? Be very honest with yourself, and you'll see it was never about him in the first place.
climbergirl Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 1. Tell him "it's over, I can't take this anymore." 2. Walk out door 3. Never look back - no phone calls - no "dates." Just go. 4. Get on with your life. And before you say "easier said than done," I've done it several times. You need to really think about what this guy is doing for you. Is he a handy excuse to blame your life on? Does he make you feel validated because you feel like a victim? Do you want to save him and put all your energy into him instead of yourself? Addictions start out with a very good reason, and then become the reason. Why did you stick with him the first 3 times he did this? Be very honest with yourself, and you'll see it was never about him in the first place. I very much agree. If it happens more than once, people do things to you because you let them do it. Why you let him, IDK. I'm sure there are great qualities to him, but by allowing him to repeatedly do this to you you are telling him that he's important and you're not. By your own admission, you are an attractive, smart woman. He's not the only guy out there and, trust me, you will find someone out there who will love you the right way---when you hurt, they hurt and would feel horrible to be the one who is actually hurting you. Does your bf feel that way? It doesn't appear so. You don't need to say anything more then 'it's over' to him. But you certainly have to mean it.
Author Ruby Posted September 4, 2007 Author Posted September 4, 2007 You are right I stuck with him as he was so different to my completely verbally abusive nasty ex. He was laid back where my ex was firey and vile and he was sweet and gentle where my ex was mean and nasty. SO when he went quiet on me it was way better then being verbally abused and called every name uner the sun! Then I realised how much he was hurting me with his silence. It confuses me and makes me feel useless and not important. I panic and just want the mormality and kindness back so I do what I have to (apologize when its nto my fault) to get things back on track and then I silently wait for the next time! I have just looked back on every post I have made about him. It has scared me how many times he has done this and I have PUT UP WITH IT! When we sort it out (or I sort it out and he nods and agrees) I feel so relieved. It isnt a fear of being alone, its a fear of meeting someone else who is as abusive as my ex. He was no where near as bad as my ex but its bad enough to make me feel awful at times. Wow this is like self therapy. I thank you so much guys for sticking by this with me tonight and not making me feel bad. You dont know how much you have helped me! I think I should wait for him to call me and then tell him as he wont take me serious as I have done that before. I need him to know I am serious and that it is over. What do you think guys?
climbergirl Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 You don't need him to know that you're serious as you actions thereafter will be all the message he needs. Move on, date others, get into the mindset that from here on in your future does not include him and that should take care of everything. Good luck with your talk-keep us updated.
Author Ruby Posted September 7, 2007 Author Posted September 7, 2007 He still hasnt called and I wont be calling him at all If he does call I will let him know in no uncertain terms that he is dumped I am strong now but I bet when I finalise it I will weaken I wish I had never met him
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