In a pickle.

[Ariz9]

Hello and thank you in advance for taking the time to learn about my situation.

I am 38 years old, married, and have two children ages 5 and 4. I have been married for 10 years. Things were getting a little routine last year between my wife and I. The friendship portion of our relationship basically dried up. We were essentially becoming roommates who argued quite a bit. I have a very successful career for which my wife is partially responsible. We basically built a business together and it is doing quite well. She decided late last year to get back out into the workforce to help give us some separation and allow her to create an identity outside of my business. Her job is in the same general industry and her postion and my business are mutually beneficial to each other based on referrals, etc....

Well last Spring (2006) I received an e-mail from my high school sweetheart. We dated for roughly 6 years (a portion of which was long distance as my family was transferred from Illinois to Arizona). The distance and the fact that we were at confusing times in our lives (early 20s) lead us to part ways. We never really had closure, it was more just a matter of not being able to really make it work given the barriers of distance, etc...

Well - of course we both moved on and married other people. She is married and has a son.

We had not seen or spoken to each other in 16 years. When I received the first email it was a complete shock. Of course I responded and we started filling in the blanks of the 16 years we had been apart. I considered it completely innocent (although I did not mention it to my wife). The e-mails continued and started to become something to look forward to every day. As time went on I could tell that feelings between us were beginning to come back. At some point we decided it would be neat to hear each others voices and we started talking. We kept re-assuring each other that this was innocent and not threatening to our families, etc.... The problem was - we were falling in love with each other again and did not know how to stop it. We started to contemplate leaving our less than perfect marriages and getting together again. We decided that a meeting was a must so that we could know for sure if there was "something there". We both made up imaginary business trips and met in a neutral location. When we met the earth definitely moved!!! Neither of us had ever experienced the kind of unbridled passion we felt for each other. To be sure, it was not JUST a physical thing at all - we connected across the board. I have to say that I have an extraordinarily attractive wife and was not dissatisfied in the physical attraction department at home. But I had never felt like this about someone before - it was remarkable. We made a vow to be together.

Well - not too much time went by and she decided to tell her husband about what happened. He begged her to stay, etc... She never relented and she has filed for divorce. We have seen each other several times since the initial meeting and it is always the same level of excitement.

I decided several months ago to tell my wife that I had "contact" with the ex (whom she has never met). I never told her that I actually saw her. I did tell her that I was in love with the other girl and that we had planned to break free and get together again. The wife was of course devastated. She has been an emotional basketcase ever since. She has turned herself into a different, loving version of herself. Not sure if it is fear driven or genuine love, but she is doing everything she can to save this marriage.

I on the other hand am not so sure that I am "in love" with her anymore. I love her, yes - but the "feeling" is not really there. She always (justifiably) seems very suspicious of my actions. We fight a lot now because of her insecurities. I have never really apologized for my behavior - I honestly do not feel THAT guilty about it. We had come to a bad place in our relationship and I was open to the ex-girlfriend. Where I made my mistake is that I should have communicated to my wife what I felt was missing - but I did not. I chose instead to seek out what was missing with someone else. Then I fell in love with that person.

I now feel like a complete jerk. I lead one woman whom I love to breakup her family so that she could be with me and I have devasted my own wife in the process. I am in a "no-win" situation here and I need to make a decision. My thoughts are dominated by the girlfriend. My heart is pulling me in that direction. I selfishly delude myself into thinking I can have them both - but I know that is not fair to anyone.

Never in a million years did I see this coming! I had been 100% faithful prior to this.

Advice?

[whichwayisup]

Make a choice and stick to it. If you want your wife, DO all that you can to make that happen. Go to marriage counselling, fix what was missing in the marriage TOGETHER. BE an open book to your wife and always be honest with her. DO not ever contact the OW again, your exgf. Big mistake to open the door from the past......

 

OR, end your marriage with your wife, divorce her and go be with your exgf. Your wife does deserve to be with a man who will love ONLY her and not cheat on her.

[Cobra_X30]

The relationship with your Wife is wrecked... I think the choice here is obvious. Your ex left her H for you, get moving on the same path! I realize its going to be financially difficult, but it will be worth it.

[quankanne]

WWIU is right – you need to get off the fence and decide what you want. Is it to fight for your marriage, or to give it another chance, or is it to go be with your former flame? Because you're stringing both of them along by not making a decision.

 

Frankly, I feel for your wife, because even though she hasn't done anything to help make your marriage better, no one but NO one deserves to have a spouse cheat on them because the other person is not "satisfied" with the marriage. At that point you really should have looked at counselling to help you begin openly communicating, and let her know that things weren't hunky dory. Not spring a whole new extramarital relationship on her just because you felt y'alls relationship was lacking.

 

do you want to attempt to reconcile with her, or are you ready to just walk away? Either way, your wife deserves a chance to be with someone who doesn't suffer from divided loyalty.

 

in the meantime, you prolly ought to cool things down with your mistress so that you can resolve the problems in your marriage – be it reconciliation or divorce – so that she's not also a victim of your divided loyalty.

[Ladyjane14]

There is NO possible way that you can make an informed decision on your marriage and family dynamic while you're all fogged up, living in Affairyland, under the influence of Infatuation. The only way to make life-altering choices with any degree of confidence is to have a clear head... and it certainly doesn't look like you do. Because....

 

Your super-marvelous ex-girlfriend just cheated on her current husband, dumped him without an eyeblink, and destroyed her child's home and security in the process. She sounds like a REAL CATCH.

 

Unless you're willing to commit to total NO CONTACT with her, your best bet is to go ahead and tell your wife what you REALLY did. Heck, she might make your decision for you. That way, you don't have to feel all yucky and responsible for it.

[annabelle75]

I have about a million ways to respond to this one, but I have decided it would be best to just back down and sit this one out. It hits a little too close to home. I was separated and filing for divorce when I met a man that was supposedly going through the same thing I was (he lied). He supported and encouraged me through my divorce and pressured me anytime I seemed to waiver or have second thoughts. He told me I was the love of his life and he wanted me to marry him. When all was said and done I found out he was never really separated (or filing for divorce) and that his marriage really wasn’t that bad. He just wasn’t really “feeling it” after so many years. Of course once he tried to leave his wife and she turned into a “stepford wife” willing to do whatever he asked for in order to keep him and he decided to stay with her. I was then left completely abandoned at what was one of the most painful times in my life.

 

So … suffice it to say my advice would not be very partial, so its best if I sit this one out.

 

If there is any advice I could give it would be…. figure what the right thing to do is, and do it.

[Ariz9]

Thanks for the replies so far! I know it sounds bad that she up and left her husband on a dime like that, but I could see how she could feel compelled to do so. I myself tried to leave when I told my wife. She convinced me to stay and work it out. But I never stopped talking to the girlfriend.

 

I agree that I need to clear my head. The girlfriend and I have gone into a bunker mentality and agreed to take a little time to think about what needs to be done. She is proceeding on in her divorce whether I choose to leave or not.

 

I agree that the relationship with my wife is possibly forever damaged. She may at some point down the road when her self-esteem comes back - take a look in the mirror and realize what an ass her husband is for doing this to her. Again - my wife is gorgeous and could have someone else in 2 seconds.

 

I just feel terrible about every direction. I used to be a very stable logical decision maker - this has taken me for a ride that I never dreamed I'd be on. I am truly split on this one. I am considering leaving my house for some time/space to block both girls out and come to a decision I can live with.

[Ariz9]

I have about a million ways to respond to this one, but I have decided it would be best to just back down and sit this one out. It hits a little too close to home. I was separated and filing for divorce when I met a man that was supposedly going through the same thing I was (he lied). He supported and encouraged me through my divorce and pressured me anytime I seemed to waiver or have second thoughts. He told me I was the love of his life and he wanted me to marry him. When all was said and done I found out he was never really separated (or filing for divorce) and that his marriage really wasn’t that bad. He just wasn’t really “feeling it” after so many years. Of course once he tried to leave his wife and she turned into a “stepford wife” willing to do whatever he asked for in order to keep him and he decided to stay with her. I was then left completely abandoned at what was one of the most painful times in my life.

 

So … suffice it to say my advice would not be very partial, so its best if I sit this one out.

 

If there is any advice I could give it would be…. figure what the right thing to do is, and do it.

See - this is one of the reasons I am so torn up about this! I always pulled her back in when she would waiver - I promised her we'd end up together, etc.... In spite of my behavior, I really do care about people and the thought of her abandoned out there alone as a result of my actions/words makes me ill. It just seems like such a dishonorable thing to do to someone. BUT the minute I start to feel that way and go "rescue" her - I think of my children and would walking out on them be any less dishonorable? I am in a true no-win situation. Poligamy is illegal in Arizona.

[JamesM]

This won't be my typical response, but I think it is the best under the circumstances.

 

Leave your wife. You have cheated and still have no remorse or feelings of love for your wife. Yes, you have been a jerk, but that aside, you may not have had as much love for her as you think. Since this is the case, I don't see you reconciling with your wife. Out of fairness for her, release her.

 

Move in with the ex GF. There is a chemistry there that cannot be denied. (That may not be good.) Having said that, I also think that your past with her is clouding your judgment. As LJ said, this is Affairyland...or more crudely, you may be thinking with the wrong head. You like the excitement as she obviously does.

 

Then face the future knowing you created it. I have my opinions of what will happen, but this is something you will need to discover. As you said, you are 38. This is close to the MLC. I understand. Being with your exGF is a part of recapturing that past when life was (supposedly) carefree and fun. Your wife and you have become adults. Yet you want that past thrill. If you have it with the ex, then maybe you will realize that the "old days" weren't so great after all. But if you do not do it, I am afraid you will regret never having tried.

 

What will be your future? Who knows, but based on stories posted here, I am afraid you will regret your choice. And you may regret either choice. As has been said, your ex dropped her husband for you, but she has not been married to you. You are willing to leave your wife, but you have not been married to your ex GF. Neither of you is comparing apples to apples. What will happen when you have been with the ex GF? THAT is the big question. You are at a crossroads in your life. What you do today will determine if you are happy in ten years of bitter and regretful.

[annabelle75]

See - this is one of the reasons I am so torn up about this! I always pulled her back in when she would waiver - I promised her we'd end up together, etc.... In spite of my behavior, I really do care about people and the thought of her abandoned out there alone as a result of my actions/words makes me ill. It just seems like such a dishonorable thing to do to someone. BUT the minute I start to feel that way and go "rescue" her - I think of my children and would walking out on them be any less dishonorable? I am in a true no-win situation. Poligamy is illegal in Arizona.

 

You can't have both. You need to choose and you need to do it now! If you stay with your W, you need to give your OW time to digest what that means and decided if she wants to hold off on her divorce. Dragging this on while she continues with her divorce is goign to make it more painful later on.

 

In my case, he stayed with his wife and almost two years later they are now swingers and he is a full fledged alcoholic....:shrugs: Can't really say wether it was the right choice for him, but I am glad he did not choose me. My life is so much better without him.

[JustBreathe]

What you're doing is wrong on so many levels. I think you know that or you wouldn't be feeling so guilty.

 

I personally would have rather my H left me had he been in love with the OW. Sure I would have been afraid and devastated at first, but I would have healed by now and gotten on with my life, perhaps met a man who could love me and be loyal to me and teach my kids by example.

 

If you no longer love your wife, it is only fair that you leave her. Your kids will adjust and there is no reason why you cannot continue to be a good father to them.

 

Yes, your wife is terribly hurt. But you are hurting you more by taking her future into your own hands. Hiding the truth which she is no doubt suspicious of and making her think she's half-crazy. It is wicked. It is cruel. It's called "gaslighting" and it will make a woman insane. No lie. She deserves better for having loved you and raised your children and helped make your home a home and not just a "house".

 

If you ever loved her at all, do not continue to disrespect her by obscuring the truth. Tell her you love someone else and don't wish to hurt her any further by not being true to her and her alone, and get your divorce. They don't call it cheating for nothing - you are cheating your wife out of having a mutually satisfying relationship with someone who CAN love her completely. Stop messing with her life! It is the only right and honest thing to do.

 

I gave my husband the out. He dumped her immediately. He never loved her. If he had, I would have felt better had he simply left.

[Ladyjane14]

Hiding the truth which she is no doubt suspicious of and making her think she's half-crazy. It is wicked. It is cruel. It's called "gaslighting" and it will make a woman insane. No lie. She deserves better for having loved you and raised your children and helped make your home a home and not just a "house".

 

If you ever loved her at all, do not continue to disrespect her by obscuring the truth. Tell her you love someone else and don't wish to hurt her any further by not being true to her and her alone, and get your divorce.

 

And make sure you tell her that you exposed her to potential STDs while you're at it. She needs to be checked out by a doctor. There's not only the big, life-threatening ones to consider, but also those that can go undetected for years and threaten a woman's general health and future fertility.

 

Honestly, you might not have to worry about making this horrible choice. Who knows?... she might take it out of your hands if you'll just tell her the WHOLE UNVARNISHED TRUTH. If it were me and my husband took it upon himself to play STD-roulette with my life... I'd put him out and file for divorce before his butt could bump the ground.

[sandim]

See - this is one of the reasons I am so torn up about this! I always pulled her back in when she would waiver - I promised her we'd end up together, etc.... In spite of my behavior, I really do care about people and the thought of her abandoned out there alone as a result of my actions/words makes me ill. It just seems like such a dishonorable thing to do to someone. BUT the minute I start to feel that way and go "rescue" her - I think of my children and would walking out on them be any less dishonorable? I am in a true no-win situation. Poligamy is illegal in Arizona.

Ahm.

Just for a second here, she is an adult I presume? If so, there is nothing you could have said or done that forced her to leave. She was/is more than capable of being responsible for her own decisions. You own yours, she gets to own hers.

Alone and abandoned???? How wonderfully dramatic. I bet if you don't leave that she goes running back to her husband, unless of course, he has decided he doesn't want her anymore either. What kind of man or woman, walks away from the children they created?

Think about this for a minute. Neither one of your children got a say in you creating them. They didn't get a say in who their parents are either. They didn't get a say when you or your girlfriend decided to cheat on your respective spouses, but guess who will get to pay for your decisions and for your girlfriends? YOUR CHILDREN and your stbx spouses if you both continue on the paths you are on right now....

It could just be that your wife wishes that you had told her how disconnected you were feeling and she does in fact, love you. Most spouses do love their SO's very much, but life, children, bills , all get added to the mix and the fun times are just not as easy to arrange when you can't drop everything to run to them.

How often did you arrange child care and make plans to take your wife out to dinner and a movie? How often did you make arrangements with someone to care for your children so your wife could accompany you on a trip somewhere?

How often did you really listen to what your wife said to you?

If you can answer that you did these things consistently, then by all means, walk away......if you can't, then I think you owe your wife and family more than they are getting now.

You need to earn your way out of a relationship before you get to leave, and by all appearances, you haven't done that yet.

Sandi

[OpenBook]

What kind of man or woman, walks away from the children they created?

 

Just because you get a divorce doesn't mean you're walking away from your children. We're assuming an awful lot about the OW and her circumstances here - we have no idea what the state of her marriage was, or if she's a good Mom or not.

 

The negative effects of a divorce (change; witnessing bitter feelings) can be more than offset by the positive ones (seeing their parents finally being happy/strong in their own right; ability to adapt well to change; keeping the kids OUT of the mess between Mom and Dad). It all depends on how the parents handle the divorce.

 

The children are watching. More than anything else, they want reassurance that Mom and Dad (or at least one of them) are still going to be grounded, there for them.

 

Things were getting a little routine last year between my wife and I. The friendship portion of our relationship basically dried up. We were essentially becoming roommates who argued quite a bit.

 

Yada, Yada - same ol', same ol'. Nothing new here. Everybody goes through this in a LTR - no matter who you end up with.

 

She decided late last year to get back out into the workforce to help give us some separation and allow her to create an identity outside of my business.

 

Is this why, on some level, you opened your heart to someone else? Did you look at this event as a loss of control over her ("She's not totally focused on me anymore") and therefore a kind of justification for seeking love elsewhere?

 

Were you ever madly in love with your W??

 

The wife was of course devastated. She has been an emotional basketcase ever since. She has turned herself into a different, loving version of herself. Not sure if it is fear driven or genuine love, but she is doing everything she can to save this marriage.

I on the other hand am not so sure that I am "in love" with her anymore. I love her, yes - but the "feeling" is not really there.

 

God, this is heartwrenching to read. NO man is worth this kind of trauma to a woman.

 

When we met the earth definitely moved!!! Neither of us had ever experienced the kind of unbridled passion we felt for each other. To be sure, it was not JUST a physical thing at all - we connected across the board... I had never felt like this about someone before - it was remarkable. We made a vow to be together.

 

Yeah, that's great and everything - but how much do you REALLY know about her??

 

My thoughts are dominated by the girlfriend. My heart is pulling me in that direction. I selfishly delude myself into thinking I can have them both - but I know that is not fair to anyone.

 

I will never understand why men are this way. Their dearest wish is to string along 2 (or more!) women into loving them, taking care of them. Wouldn't that get a little confusing? Wouldn't it get to be a little MUCH after awhile? And wouldn't it lead you to eventually view all women as things to be used and discarded once you're tired of them? If so, you'd be missing out on an awful lot about women. Not to mention losing your sense of humanity.

 

What is your relationship like with your own mother?

[jmargel]

There are three sides to every story: His, Hers and the Truth. What you have heard from this OW and her marriage is only 50% correct. She will tell you things you want to hear, things to make you feel sorry for her and justify all of this. It's funny how when two people come together how rare it is to hear the one person say to their new SO on what they did wrong or how they mistreated their old SO.

 

You two are also in the puppy-dog love stage. There will be a time where you will be at the same spot with this new relationship as you are in your marriage. The newness, the novelty, the excitement will one day wear off. The infactuation will disappear and then you will be wondering about your ex-wife.. On how she is doing, who is she seeing, romanticizing the past that you had with her. Wishing.. if you only knew back then what you know now how you would of went NC with your ex-gf and really try 110% at your marriage.

 

You don't love this ex-gf, you can't. Love doesn't happen when you are torn between two women. You can't even start to give either of these women the love, devotion, time and respect when you are trying to decide. The communication between you and your wife has been broken for quite awhile and this is the starting block for why all of this is happening. You lied and deceived your wife and yes you have cheated. When a new relationship starts out in strife and stress, that's what that relationship will be consisting of.

 

We can't tell you what to do, but from my own personal experience I had one like yours. Out of the blue an old gf ran into me. It was very hard not to take on her advances since I am having my own marriage problems but I knew that if I am disloyal to my wife then there is nothing to build upon. Don't leave a marriage for someone else, only leave a marriage if you and your spouse becomes incompatible and you are not willing to put the effort in trying to rebuild it.

[norajane]

Don't leave a marriage for someone else, only leave a marriage if you and your spouse becomes incompatible and you are not willing to put the effort in trying to rebuild it.

 

This is the great advice at this moment.

 

If you would have left your marriage anyway even if OW didn't come along, then, by all means, hurry up and get a divorce so everyone can get on with their lives.

 

If you had no desire or intention of leaving your marriage before OW came along, then divorcing is a knee-jerk reaction to your hormones. Don't abandon your commitment to your family just because another woman has made you feel good right now.