getting a divorce

[the_lost_one]

well I'm new to love shack

originally i had had come to ask questions about how to save the marriage. but in the last few days it all came crashing down.

here's the story

I married her young i was 20 she was 21 and we had a child on the way .she was an outgoing beautiful girl but it all changed when we got married. we came to live with my dad cause i incurred some debt from her side and we were going to pay it down so we could get our own place. i decided that i was going to go into the army to better our lives but i started to have health problems.

well i started working a better job (at the time) and making more money to help out well we argued quiet often about bills and what not.and then it started going down hill. she had moved her work hours 3 different times because i was promised better opportunities at work well low and behold my work screwed me and in 3 year basically have nothing to show for it. accept i can pretty much do what i want at work but that's no help. she started working over night and things started to fall apart quicker over a years time. she started talking to a group of people that said why don't you divorce him (she wont say it but i know that's about the Gist of it) do your own thing your to young to be married so on and so forth.

she started talking to another guy for help on our situation and I'm guessing form there he started to show her the green side of the grass(they almost kissed).

she started to text a **** load and when i say this 1820 sent and 1900 received in the last month. then came the secrecy of what she was doing on her lunch break a little voyeurism . i think she cheated on me but she wont tell me the truth (she swears up and down she didn't) but at this point what do i believe.

 

she tells me my problems were i make some bad decisions on what to do with my money . I'm a jealous person and i get mad about dumb things like when she goes out with here friends.

 

i got mad when she went out with her friends cause the friends she had were not looking out for her and my daughter but more around lets go have fun screw the consequences. but she says her friends look out for her.

 

I'm basically lost right now

i will post more later

[the_lost_one]

my bad decisions with the money was last icome tax i bought myself a rifle instead of giving her the money all 800 dollars. last year she took the 3300 and did used it on bills i didnt see a penny for my bills we were susposed to split it. and the other bad decision was to get a motorcycle for 4000$$ my car was payed off and bills were being paid fast. well i didnt get the motorcycle i used the 4000 on bills. shes still pissed about that.

yeah im a jealous person but who isnt i dont think she need to dance with other guys if she has me.

[the_lost_one]

now the big thing is im letting her stay for 2 months to get into the military after the 2 months in or out of the military shes gone. the terms and agreement no cheating,be civil,and she gets 2 months

[the_lost_one]

anyone have any input

[Melovator]

Where's your child in all of this? What happens to her in two months time?

 

If you have financial issues sitting down with a financial counsellor and doing a budget might be a good place to begin. Your information about money is confusing (you did this-she did that) but basically it sounds like you both suck with it. No offence but most people suck with money and nearly everyone lies to themselves about it.

 

Also... you seem to just be waiting for things to happen... going into the military, your work (presumably because you 'can do what you want' that means you have some set of skills that could be used in a job where you are better appreciated?), now this two months.

 

Also, sometimes girls like to go have nights out with the girls, get dressed up, admire each other's beauty in a way no man can because you know the effort involved in getting there, have a few drinks, laugh loudly, tell lots of dirty jokes, dance together in the crazy bags in the middle of a circle way, and just be girls together. On a girls night out you might be crazy but you are together, and do take care of each other. Usually...

 

If she's out catting around that's a different deal entirely.

 

So you have two months, of what? She's in the house? Your entire life is in front of you beyond that two months, how do you want to live it? Have you tried marriage counselling? And individual counselling for the both of you might be a good idea too if you're both serious. You say you're a jealous person, jealousy is insecurity, what are you afraid of? Everyone's afraid of something...

[the_lost_one]

Where's your child in all of this? What happens to her in two months time?

 

If you have financial issues sitting down with a financial counsellor and doing a budget might be a good place to begin. Your information about money is confusing (you did this-she did that) but basically it sounds like you both suck with it. No offence but most people suck with money and nearly everyone lies to themselves about it.

 

Also... you seem to just be waiting for things to happen... going into the military, your work (presumably because you 'can do what you want' that means you have some set of skills that could be used in a job where you are better appreciated?), now this two months.

 

Also, sometimes girls like to go have nights out with the girls, get dressed up, admire each other's beauty in a way no man can because you know the effort involved in getting there, have a few drinks, laugh loudly, tell lots of dirty jokes, dance together in the crazy bags in the middle of a circle way, and just be girls together. On a girls night out you might be crazy but you are together, and do take care of each other. Usually...

 

If she's out catting around that's a different deal entirely.

 

So you have two months, of what? She's in the house? Your entire life is in front of you beyond that two months, how do you want to live it? Have you tried marriage counselling? And individual counselling for the both of you might be a good idea too if you're both serious. You say you're a jealous person, jealousy is insecurity, what are you afraid of? Everyone's afraid of something...

on the money part she mad about what i did with my income tax money instead of giving it to her . when she came into the relationship she had alot of debt i started to pay things like her phone insurance and other small things so she could get her bills paid down at the time i only had to pay on my car and insurance.

 

the thing with my job is i have seniority but dont get paid the best in the world. i gained some weight when she got prego with my daughter and havnt lost all of it to go in to the military yet .

she dosent know if she wants a divorce but she ask if we were going to get a divorce that i wait tell she gets into the military.so i am being the nice guy and waiting on her to go into the air force

the 2 months is for her to get in to the military she only needs to lose 15 lbs to make it but she can still go in under the body% she is now . the months was to let her know that im no door mat.

the girls night out thing as of late to save the relationship i blew it off dont really care anymore

my litlle girl is going to go with her and i can see her when ever i want is what she says

she wont do marriage counsling already asked.

 

and on your last question loosing both my ladies ( wife and daughter)

[the_lost_one]

any other advise or anything 131 looks and 1 reply ??

[LakesideDream]

Actually you can probably chalk up the lack of replies to the reality of your situation.

 

You got married very young, and under the stress of a baby on the way. You don't sound mature enough to be a husband, and your wife certainly doesen't sound mature enough to be a wife... and mother.

 

The only real chance you have is if you can find a really good counselor. Possibly you can work through your problems together. This of course assumes you both love each other romanticly . As for your daughter, she's in the worse situation of all.

 

If your wife follows through and joins the military, she won't be available to be a full time mother. If you have custody while she's in the military, ditto.. in addition to earning a living you won't be able to be a good mom either.

 

For the sake of your daughter, get some help!

[the_lost_one]

im tring to grow in maturity. what makes you say im not mature enough to be a husband

[justfine]

Sorry to hear about your problems. I know how difficult and heart breaking this time of your lives must be. I agree with the earlier poster that you guys are far too young to be parents.

 

Perhaps you could consider giving your child up for adoption. I know you've grown very attached to your child, but, it may be the best thing for your baby. Or perhaps you have a family member with sufficient financial means to care for you baby. This way, you'll have the opportunity to develop into mature, capable adults. The financial responsibilities of being such young parents is what's causing strain on your marriage.

 

Good luck.

[the_lost_one]

wow i guess there is no working it out and we are done she wont go see a counselor or anyone

[Curmudgeon]

You're all over the map and shooting wildly in all directions. It seems very clear that there isn't a whole bunch of love or commitment on either of your parts and your daughter seems to be a mere afterthought, hardly worthy of mention.

 

I agree that the child deserves better and a chance to be a part of a stable family while the two of you go your separate ways.

 

It's not just you. Both of you need to grow up and neither of you are really emotionally fit to be parents right now.

[the_lost_one]

You're all over the map and shooting wildly in all directions. It seems very clear that there isn't a whole bunch of love or commitment on either of your parts and your daughter seems to be a mere afterthought, hardly worthy of mention.

 

I agree that the child deserves better and a chance to be a part of a stable family while the two of you go your separate ways.

 

It's not just you. Both of you need to grow up and neither of you are really emotionally fit to be parents right now.

my little girl is my whole world i dont know about the unfit parent thing.i dont see where everyone get the unfit parent. all i do is get up @ 4 am to go to the gym to lose weight (to go into the military) then go to work come home play with her take her out to play at the play ground and cook for her.i dont know about the no commitment part on my side either i love her and want to work things out after all she has done. i mean im not going to say i didnt agrevate her but i dont see pushing her to do what she has done. i love my wife and i really have been a wreck since aug 28 when everything went down hill i really dont know how to handle this. maybe thats why i look so bad to everyone

[Mustang Sally]

Maybe the "unfit parenting" impressions are coming from your descriptions of bad decisions (financial and otherwise) you and your W have made...

 

Dude - being a PARENT is about more than "loving" that cute little kid. It's about SACRIFICE. Putting the child's welfare and needs higher on your priority list than the immediate gratification of YOUR desires (such as buying a rifle with your income tax money).

 

Lots of unfit parents "love" their kids...just ask any SRS worker....

[the_lost_one]

Maybe the "unfit parenting" impressions are coming from your descriptions of bad decisions (financial and otherwise) you and your W have made...

 

Dude - being a PARENT is about more than "loving" that cute little kid. It's about SACRIFICE. Putting the child's welfare and needs higher on your priority list than the immediate gratification of YOUR desires (such as buying a rifle with your income tax money).

 

Lots of unfit parents "love" their kids...just ask any SRS worker....

she has everything that she needs if she needed somthing i would have bought it for her my daughter comes first all the time the rifle was a i had extra cash thing and had not gotten anything nice in a while (busy taking care of mom and daughter)

[Melovator]

I'm going to suggest a thorough reading of other threads in Love Shack as a really good thing for you to do. And follow the links to other threads and sources of information. Seriously, read other guys threads.

 

At the moment you and your W sound like you're in a big you did this, so I'll do that pattern. Tit-for-tat is childish and even more so when you HAVE a child.