Simply disappear or tell the ex I cannot be a friend anymore ?

[dreamguy]

I met my ex in August 2004 and we dated for 2 years until she traveled in September 2006 to work abroad (she is 24 years old).

Soon after she traveled, I proposed and she accepted. A few days later she emailed me saying she needed time to find herself. So I reacted by telling her that it's better we broke up and dated other people. She chased me for a few weeks until I changed my mind and gave in... I accepted to take her back but she was so angry at me that she ended things.

 

One month later she started calling me and she said she would visit on Christmas. So she did (she stayed in the country for 2 weeks) and we got back together. Then she traveled again and, during January/February, she constantly talked about marriage and we even set a date at the end of this summer.

 

The problem was and still is the geographical distance. So I went to the country where she works in April and I looked for jobs there (stayed there for 2 weeks). We had some fights but it was mainly a great vacation and we discovered a lot of unknown aspects in each other.

The day I left she wrote me a long email confessing her immense love and saying that she would never find someone better than me in this world and I am the one.

 

Then in May she traveled here for 10 days. As soon as she left again I started to sense some emotional distance. I was right. She dropped the bomb on me at the end of May 2007 by saying "This time it's really over. We will remain friends but I want to be by myself."

I didn't beg or plead at first (called her 2 or 3 times to clarify things and sent a couple of messages saying I was thinking about her).

 

Then in mid-June I bought an engagement ring and traveled to her and surprised her by proposing. Her answer was: "If you had done this 6 months ago when we used to talk about marriage I would have jumped on you and said YES! But now I cannot accept anymore. I'm sorry."

So the next day I traveled back to my country. A few hours after my plane landed she called me and said: "I was extremely touched by what you did. Very very few men in this world would have done this. I am glad you came into my life and my respect for you can only grow."

 

Two weeks went by and I cracked. I sent a message saying "I don't know what your reaction will be but I'll say it anyway: I miss you so f****** much!".

She didn't reply.

I went NC for about 3 weeks then I called her near the end of July. She was rather surprised and we had a nice chat. She told me she was visiting the country with her boss at the beginning of August for work . I let her know that we could meet for coffee if she wanted to.

 

August arrives, she visits for 4 days. I refrained from contacting her. She caved in on day 3 by texting me to say hi. I texted back with a simple "hi, enjoy your time in the country".

Day 4 comes, I texted her to say good luck with work. She immediately calls me back. I ask when she is leaving and she says "tonight". So I wish her a safe flight and I hang up without asking to meet her.

 

Since then, we have rarely been in touch on MSN and I sent her an ecard 2 weeks ago to congratulate her on her promotion. She replied with another ecard saying "she was speechless and she was touched. she felt she missed me". Next day on MSN I tell her I missed her too.

 

She has been acting distant once more since that day and I am really torn between two choices.

 

Do I call to tell her that I cannot pretend I am a friend anymore when I still have feelings for her OR do I simply disappear and stop initiating contact even if she logs on MSN for example (I am not blocking her) ?

[Yamaha]

Tell her you can't be friends until you no longer have feelings of getting back together with her. If she cares for you she will understand and give you the time you need to get yourself together.

[daphne]

dream,

 

I agree with Yamaha. Be brief and honest and move forward.

 

I remember your story from years ago. I'm sorry to hear that it didn't work out. I think your ex is doing what many men do early on in the relationship by tellingyou she misses you. She's living in the moment. She doesn't mean anything by it, and realizes when you respond that she feels a sense of obligation. But she doesn't intend to change things. She does miss you. But she doesn't want the happily ever after with you.

 

You are a better person than I. I'm not so sure I would have taken the risk you did. Be happy that you have it in you to believe in something. Take that with you next time, for the girl that will be grateful for what you have to offer. You sound like a keeper to me.