MissyMoon Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 Hello All, I don't know if my story is any different from anyone. It could be more strange but here goes. I am recently married to a wonderful man 11 years my senior. I'm in my early thirties. I have been living with him for 3.5 years before we got married. In our relationship, I was the other woman in his previous marriage. He ended his estranged 10 years marriage a few weeks after gotten romantically involved with me and moved out with me. I love my husband and had sacreficed much for him. I supported him out of a severe depression, after one financial crisis after another for the past 4 years, I landed myself in the hospital due to exhaustion, being overworked to support him through tough times. I gotten him back on his feet recently and we are building a growing successful international business together today. My husband lived with me for almost 3 years without getting the formal papers for his divorce. I had resented him for that. It had brought me a lot of pain and shame since I am asian and he refused to understand what it means in our conservative Asian community. I stopped seing and going out with my friends because of this guilt and shame. I tried to talk to him and he kept delaying the divorce papers blaming everything else. Finally it finalized at the end of last year and we got married at the beginning of this year. Even on the night before the wedding I was mad at him for failing to finish his part in the organizing and planning. He seemed always to be completely dependent on me. I was so angry at him that I was completely turn off sexually with him. Sometimes for almost 3 months, we have no physical relationship. We see each other too much that I have little space for myself. I missed the friends, the joys I had before knowing my husband. But working together, and building a family, we have gotten better. We see each other all the time, at work and at home. Recently I asked H to move in with us. We had hired him to work at our business managing internal administration for us. I had met H 5 years ago and treated him like my brother. It was as if I had adopted him. He is 7 years younger than me. In many ways H came from a very similar background as me. He did not have a happy childhood and endured abuses from his mother through her anger of his father's infidelity. My mother too had held this anger for years until my father died three years ago, and she was very emotionally and verbally abusive to my sibblings and me. In this way, I have come to love H as I can identify with his background. For five years, I was there whenever he asked. I gave him money for dating, for trips, gave him refuge when he didn't want to go home. I treated him like my little brother. H moved in to live with us this year at my invitation. He had lived with us shortly three years ago when my husband and I first got together. Recently, after several months of living together with H, we had tremendous joy in our household. Everyone was happy to be together. We give each other hugs everyday. We worked together, and when my husband and I travel on business, H would take care of our pets, our home, manage our office and staffs. He was pretty mature and reliable. My husband left on a the first business trip without me for three weeks. About two nights after he left, I was awoken with H's screaming in the middle of the night. He had a nightmare. I had heart him turn and twist and moan in his bed at night often. But that night was esspecially severe. I ran over to his room to find him awaken, covered with cold sweats and terrified. As soon as I sat on his bed, he grabbed me and pulled me down to hug him. He was like a little child needed protection. My maternal instinct kicked in. I hugged in my arms and comforted him for an hour before going back to bed. It was during that time that I realized that H is no longer a boy but a real man. I became somewhat aroused at hugging him. It was puzzling to me, because I never thought of him that way. I had seen him through his first love and first heart break. Heard him discussed his romantic encounters and gave him advice on life and love in general often. The next night, I came over to his room to make the bed and went back to my room to sleep. I couldn't sleep, I took at look at his open bed room door and found that H was sleeping on the floor with his sleeping bag. He had in the past complained about the matress hurting his back. I felt terrible, and woke him up asking him to sleep in my bed. He gathered his blanket and went to my room and slept on my bed. For some strange reason, I didn't sleep in the other room but lay down beside him. I stayed up after he fell asleep just to see if he would get more nightmares, but he slept soundly. I woke up the next day and found myself hugging H. At the office, H teased me about him becoming my "bitch" and "hugging pillow" for the night. After work, we went to get him a new bed. It was delivered the same night. I couldn't help myself and asked H. "Do you want sis to sleep here with you tonight?" He replied: "If you want to, yes." Needless to say, 3 nights together was too much for the both of us. H and I started to have sex on the third night. It seemed that he was attracted to me and had been controlling himself. He told me that sometimes I laugh and joked with him, I would spank him on his butt and this aroused him tremendously. He had not have any sexual relationship with anyone for almost 2 years. About 2 weeks before this incident happened, he had fantasized about having sex with me, but he stopped the thought and told himself: "What are you thinking H? You're ****ed up, she is like your adopted sister! You've known her for five years." I love my husband dearly more than anything. I couldn't believe I did it with H. I never think of leaving my husband. However, it is strangely that I had no remorse about the whole thing. I was just afraid to hurt H. I tried to break it off three days after it started it. However, I couldn't. I found myself increadibly attracted to H, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. He felt terrible guilt at first, but couldn't stop being with me and adjusted to it. He and I both felt that we wouldn't be lovers long term. He doesn't want me to leave my husband, because he knows my husband is a good man. I don't want to leave my husband, but I love H in ways I cannot describe here. I had loved him like a son, a brother and now like a lover. It is just so messed up, but it felt so right. I am in my early thrities, my husband is 42 and H is only 26 . Both are increadibly handsome, funny, sweet, intelligent and attractive men. I felt I didn't deserve them both, I am only average looking and is a bit chubby. However, both of them told me they are increadibly attracted to my mind and intelligence. Now both of them are involved with me physically. I couldn't believe it, how everything turned out. H and my husband get along with each other quite well. Looking at the a picture of my husband and H together, arms on each other's shoulders with big smiles, the picture I took for them on our vacation together at the beginning of this year I felt a bit dazed, confused and strangely flattered. Here are two well mannered, educated, handsome and attractive men who both loves me, who now has an intimate relationship with me. Strangely, I love them both dearly, although not in the same way, however I wanted them both to be happy. I know they both adored me. I felt as if I am so selfish. What am I doing? I don't know. Two days ago I told H that we would go back to being like before, as if nothing has happened between us. He came back home from a friend's wedding party all drunk and told me he didn't wanted that. He wanted me to take care of him and love him and continue the sexual and sensual relationship we are having now even after my husband comes back. There are many cultural things H understands when I talk to him that my husband doesn't or doesn't want to acknowledge. H is also asian like me while my husband is caucasian. He shares the same friends I have. He told me many things and trusted me for a long time with his secrets. He felt a lot of guilt in being with me and is afraid our friends and family would find out, however, he didn't wanted our relationship to stop. He wanted to be my secret lover. He tried not to have feelings for me and treated as if its just sex, but we do a lot more kissing, cuddling, hugging and talking than sex. I am really confused. I deeply love and care for both men at the same time. Strangely, I always wanted the best for them both. It is a dangerous situation here. I don't want to destroy the home we have build together. My husband, H and I have shared a happy home full of laughters, joy everyday for the past few months. I want that to continue but it seemed that it is difficult for us to go back. My husband will be home in 10 days. H and I have been living with each other for almost 2 weeks like husband and wife at home while he is away. I don't know what to think. What am I to do?
lostboy60645 Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 I would not wish this difficult and painful situation on anyone. It does no good for me or anyone else to tell you that this is 'wrong' to have the relationship with OM (Other Man = OM = H in your story). What you may find helpful is to look at how you came into this situation in the first place, how to get out of it, and what to do with yourself and your marriage for the long term. For starters, I don't think there's any question in my mind, and I bet at least part of you agrees, that OM needs to move out of your house and I mean immediately. I also think you'd agree that not only did you really initiate this kind of contact with him, but in some ways you want this to continue. And I can't blame you. On some level, he's fulfilling a need. But don't delude yourself for very long. This is not the way that need should be filled for either of you, as it is sure to cause a lot of heartache for all involved in the future if your relationship continues. So before we move onto Step 2, the first necessary and possibly most difficult step is to get OM out of the house and terminate your sexual/physically intimate relationship with him immediately. I'd bet a dime to a dollar others would not only agree with that, but will recommend you have no contact whatsoever with him and he needs to disappear from your family's life in order for your marriage (and business for that mattter) to continue. This brings us to the second step, also a difficult one. Your marriage started on somewhat 'shaky footing', if I understand your story correctly. It seems that you were the OW (other woman) in your husband's failing marriage. The fact that you were OK with that initially, at least to the degree that you allowed the relationship to get to a serious level while he was legally married and living with his wife, means you likely have some issues around self-esteem. How in the world can I say that, you ask? In my opinion, a person who is feeling good about themselves and befriends a married man, even if he's in the throes of a bad marriage that may end up in a separation soon, would feel secure in waiting to initiate any deeper relationship with that man until the 'waters are safer' and he's at least separated, if not divorced. Another sign of the self esteem being an issue is the fact that you gave up your own family and friends 'from shame', which I understand is a cultural thing and the same holds in my culture of birth. But it also likely means you compromised your values of keeping family and friends close, in favor of keeping the man that you felt was more important at the time. So where do you go from here? I want to point out something very important. You've engaged in some 'bad behavior', but that does not make you an inherently 'bad person'. It sounds like you've had a lot of difficult issues to deal with in life and perhaps that led to the way you think about choices in these relationships. Back to the point though, you need to get into individual counseling right away, and I'd recommend getting a woman counselor who has a degree called a CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist). That person should know a lot about where you are coming from regarding your upbringing, how your father's infidelity affected your family, how it relates to your getting involved with your married boyfriend whom you ended up marrying and ultimately cheating on etc. Again, this is not to shame you. I point out these things to bring you to the realization that you must get that OM out of your house and get into counseling. Last, and certainly not least, what will happen when your husband comes home? It's clear, to me anyway, that you had some significant resentment against your husband while you gave up contact with your family and he did not seem to honor his 'end of the deal' so to speak by quickly finalizing his divorce. I can definitely relate to unspoken resentment and how it can kill a marriage. There's no doubt that it helped kill mine. So the last part of this is how to deal with your husband who will no doubt recognize something strange about the relationship between the two of you and also with the dynamic between OM and both you and your husband. I really don't know what to tell you there, except that you and your husband need marital therapy and it's possible that you'll need to disclose what happened when he was on his trip. It's a very painful story Missy. I'm sure your a good person and worth being with, but it sounds like you have to take care of yourself and pay attention to what has not been dealt with in your life, namely these issues of self worth and how to be assertive about your feelings in these relationships, regardless of how other people may respond. I can tell you I'm no expert here and I'm working on the same. Please keep us updated with your progress. I wish you all the best.
Author MissyMoon Posted September 5, 2007 Author Posted September 5, 2007 Thank you lostboy60645, I believed you got it wrong on one fact. My husband separated immediately with his estranged ex-wife when he decided to be romantically involved with me. It only took two weeks for him to make the decision to live with me full time and not his estranged wife. So, no....I don't have a self-esteem problem with respect to wanting a free man. It was just that he didn't finalize his legal marriage until 3 years later, all the while living with me, receiving my emotional, financial and personal support when he went through depression and financial ruins. You are right, I resented him. It wasn't hidden, I brought it up many times with him before but he refused to listen to it. Where ever we go in public to people in my community, they kept asking: "When are you guys getting married?" I don't have an answer for them. My husband didn't respect my feelings in this. I never co-habitated with anyone before him. I felt living like that is already like a formal marriage but he delayed the ceremony for 3 years. I felt ashamed of myself and couldn't face people in my own community and my friends. Our financial situation kept being in ruins since he doesn't help much with the money making but too absorbed on creating problems and keeping them lingering on for years and years. I paid all his bad debts with all the profits I made. I think I did this to find a reason to leave my marriage. I tried many times before to leave my husband before we got formally married. I'm going to take some time to think about this.....thank you for your advice. It was a good and sincere advice.
seibert253 Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 Seems to me that your trying to justify your infidelity issues. You need help, and I'm not saying this to be mean, but it is what it is. As much as you wish, you can't have both. You have an important decision to make and it all comes down to this; what's more important in your life. The love you say you have for your husband, or your lustful fling with the younger, (probably much more physically attractive), man. You may feel this "relationship" with H is more than physical lust, but I and many others have to respectfully disagree. Think about it in this context, you say you love both, but who could you really not be without. As attractive as the concept of having both a providing husband, and a younger man who meets your physical needs, if you try to keep each, you'll probably end up losing both. God Bless and Good Luck
jj2007 Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 Since you have already been a OW you shouldn't have any problem with what you are doing now. You ask- What do I do? you already know that you should at least try to be faithful to your husband. Why did you even marry him? You are having your cake and eating it too. You know what the right thing to do is. Either divorce your husband or kick your lover out and try to work on your marriage.
4whatItsWorth Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 I think I did this to find a reason to leave my marriage. I tried many times before to leave my husband before we got formally married. You already answered your own questions...you want out. I did the same when I wanted out of a relationship - now there is a good reason. What comes around goes around, though... Either you let H to move out, no contact. He will despise you, because you'll break his heart. Or you tell your husband the truth, and he will most likely kick H out. Perhaps even you for a while. You will break his heart and trust. No way is easy down the infidelity road...
Author MissyMoon Posted September 5, 2007 Author Posted September 5, 2007 jj2007 - Before you pass judgment, check the source. I have never been with a married man and did not have sexual relationship with my current husband before he decided to leave his wife. While we were friends, I told him that he was committing mental infidelity. I saw him drowning in his failed marriage with anger and depression. He was ill and dropped his weight down to 110lbs (he's 5'7) He did not have physical relationship with his ex-wife for 2 years when I met him. I told him that "you're either in or out, there is no inbetweens". He decided to get out. That was when I started my relationship with him. I think it was my mistake for trying to help him through that time. No, my husband is not really a provider. I have provided for him for 3 years. I do the lion share of the work, the financial income of our household. I resented him for keeping depleating it constantly with his "mistakes" which I paid heavily for professional counselling for him for 3 years. I saw him through his severe depression and took care of him. He made me wear the pants and be the man in our relationship, which I don't like, because it makes me feel like I'm not a woman, where in fact I love feeling like a woman. Yes, I do have resentment for him. I have never committed adultery on anyone. With my last boyfriend of 3 years, I was tempted one time but when the OM kissed me I cried and said: "I can't do that to him." I don't know why I have no qualms about cheating on my husband right now. However, it is certainly not the issue of moral flexibility. In some ways I felt like he owed me for everything he has now. Emotionally, I don't think I was ever fulfilled in this relationship because I was not acknowledged. In some ways I felt used. Maybe this is a way of me finding a way to get out. We had went to couples therapy several times but things improved for a little and went back to the same way. Through out this whole situation. Strangely the only person I worry about hurting is H, the OM. I have known him for five years and took care of him like a brother. He is a sensitive and loving man. I am afraid that this stupid thing that I'm doing will hurt him. I feel responsible for his well being like I always had. Yes H is a younger, physically more attractive man. But my husband is not bad looking, he is actually very good looking. However, the resentment had killed the wonderful romance we had together before. I cried many times with him and told him how hurt I am. Things did not change for a long time. There are baby steps in his changes, but during that course I constantly get hurt by my husband for his destructive habits, which he rationally reason that is his own issues and it does not have anything to do with me. But we are in the same boat. If it's leaking, we both sink. I felt so tired rescuing him over and over again. I was the one who paid for his divorce lawyer, his counsellor, his therapist, and helped him to see his son again. I felt that I wasn't treated fairly. My family told me I was stupid to do all this for my husband. I had sacreficed my own values with respect to cohabitation and live with him to take care of him in the last three years and helped him back on his feet. I think the difference with my husband and H is that H actually appreciates me for what I do for him in the five years of knowing him. Whenever I asked of him to help me with something, he is always there. My husband on the other hand took from me and gave to people around him to flattered and used him. I felt drained, angry and exhausted in this relationship. I spent a week in the hospital because of exhaustion and realized that I did not get a vacation for a long time because all of our savings kept going to pay for his mistakes which he makes over and over again. H asked me "Why did you marry him when you were so angry the night before the wedding and made him sign the annulment papers?" I don't have a good answer for it. Maybe a part of me was hoping that my husband would in the future somehow give me what I needed it: a reliable, financially secured, strong and loving partner. One time my mother-in-law yelled at me in a public place unreasonably. My husband sided with her. I hated him for that. He was so fearful of her that he knew she was wrong but didn't stood up for me. He later apologize but I never went to see his mom again. We have kept separate accounts since the beginning of this year because my husband is so bad with handling money. He took money out of our joint savings account to pay for his debt without telling me. I didn't trust him and found it difficult to be vulnerable with him. I'm always on guard to see when the next bomb would drop. All of you are right, I have to decide now to stay or to leave. Thank you very much for all your kind words.
whichwayisup Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 I love my husband dearly more than anything. I couldn't believe I did it with H. I never think of leaving my husband. However, it is strangely that I had no remorse about the whole thing. I was just afraid to hurt H. It seems you just aren't in love with your husband anymore, you don't feel bad about cheating on him, or hurting him. The concern is more for H than your own husband. I think you need to be by yourself to figure out what you want, having two men right now is messing you up, as well as H and it is very cruel to your husband, hurting him and that is undeserved.
seibert253 Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 I think I can put it into this context, and I shut up from know on. What if you loved your husband with all your heart and soul, but you were not the perfect wife, (as you've admitted your not). (None of us are perfect by the way). And, what if your husband had an affair with a much younger and attractive women while you were away on business. How would you feel about this. Just something for you to think about.
whichwayisup Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 And, what if your husband had an affair with a much younger and attractive women while you were away on business. How would you feel about this. Just something for you to think about. I'll take it a step further...And this woman friend moved into your house and had sex with your husband when you were sleeping.
Author MissyMoon Posted September 6, 2007 Author Posted September 6, 2007 The answer to you my friends is.....I would feel very hurt and angry and probably would break the relationship off or look at it honestly into what had failed in it that caused this. Matter a fact I was on the other end of the story. I had a boyfriend a while back, we were together for almost 3 years. He was devoted to me, he loved me and gave me everything he could. I thrived and was very happy. But I ignored his needs for the entire time we were together and he cheated on me. I deserved it because he brought it up so many times and I ignored it. I broke up with him but realized how much I had hurt him and ignored him. I deserved that lesson. Yes, in some ways what I am doing is not so nice to my husband. My friends, his family and my family saw that he was improving a lot and very happy while I slowly withered away. I'm not perfect, however I did give him what he needed in our relationship and he is fulfilled. The same doesn't happen with me. Love and family is about emotional, mental and financial support. I lacked that from him. He thrives while I withered. It is not black and white and simple. The resentment build up and it is killing our marriage. I told my husband two months ago that I am falling out of love with him. I told him that I started to have affections for other men. I told him that it is a clear sign of something wrong in our relationship. I told him that my needs were not met for 3 years. There is no clearer indication of a problem not solved than that. He ignored it! I think our marriage is ending. The infidelity is just a tell tale sign of a something left unadressed. I know he will be hurt and it is painful. I was there before. But truly, I had fallen out of love with him. He wouldn't get the clear signals and words I told him on our discussions. Time is running short. I don't have any intention to marry H or being with him, however, I'm thinking very hard about leaving my husband. It isn't about infidelity, but sadness, dissappointment and anger left undealt with to continue to harbour in my relationship with my husband. I told him how hurt I am by him and how he continues to do so again and again. He ignored me. I think this is the reason why I didn't have any guilt towards him by doing this. My cries fell on deaf ears for too long. I think this is just a bigger cry for him to wake up that we have problems in our relationship. It either ends or all the issues in our relationship needed to be addressed. I could not find another way to do this better and have him pay attention to what I needed. What I needed H provided for me, else I wouldn't be here today. Thank you for your response.
Lyssa Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 MissyMoon, I think if you read your post all over again, you would realise that you already know what to do. You're not in love with your husband anymore and he isn't doing anything to make it better even after what you have told him. I think you're just here to let out what you're going through... I don't see you as a bad person or anything like that but if you're not in love with your husband anymore then leave but do not get involve with anyone so soon. You need time by yourself. Use that time to rebuild your life... I wish you all the best and keep us posted...
whichwayisup Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 Bottomline, get out of your marriage. Your husband is ignoring the warning signs both visually and what you've said to him already, then divorce. What is worth saving if he isn't wanting or willing to do marriage counselling with you.
dropdeadlegs Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 MissyMoon, I have been in a somewhat similar situation myself. I honestly believe that the resentment towards your husband has eaten away at the love you have for him. Maybe your love has changed from romantic to something more like deeply caring about his welfare. The breakdown of the marriage allowed you to develop feelings for your friend/business associate because of his like background/culture, and most certainly because of his easy availability. This isn't all that uncommon. And, yes, people do use infidelity as a way to end a relationship all the time. It seems to me that what you need is a partner that is more compatible to you. You come across as a caring, giving person who also has some goals towards financial success. I don't see your husband or your friend as fulfilling that compatibility for the long term. Your husband doesn't seem to be emotionally or financially as stable as you need, and your friend has been more like a brother, or even a son, for too long. Both men rely on you immensely for their overall well being. This seems to be taking a toll on your own well being. I can guess that you are more suited to be with a man that shares your cultural background, your financial savvy, and overall goals. With the right man I doubt that you would stray from marital vows. Some will say once a cheater always a cheater, but I don't subscribe to that theory. It is a bad way to get out of a marriage (I've been there) but I don't believe that an infidelity equals a complete character flaw. It's more of an immature way of dealing with a bad situation, sometimes. Sadly, both men will be hurt, and you will hurt, too. Your best option is to leave both of them and seek out someone you don't have to take care of and "mother" so much. Someone who pays for their own mistakes, and hopefully makes few of them. Someone who is an equal partner. It is an issue of self esteem to make a bad choice and continue to live with it and hope it gets better. Someone with high self esteem would not have put up with your husbands "mistakes" for so long. Again, I say this because I did that with my second husband (I cheated on the first husband) even after extricating myself from my first marriage in the worst possible way. Like you, I had my affair with someone very close to both of us, although he did not live in our home. It made you very uncomfortable to live with a separated man, yet you continued to do it and eventually harbored resentment towards him for a choice that you made. I see that as having some self esteem issues. Someone with higher self esteem would not have put themselves in the situation that made them feel so bad and resentful. They would have put their needs above the man's needs in a more balance way. It's a wonderful trait to be so loving and helpful to another, but not at your own expense. I won't tell you that any part of this will be easy. For me, the affair plummeted by self esteem even further and I made another bad choice in partners. I stayed in that marriage for many years past it's time, punishing myself for making another bad choice. I didn't feel I deserved to have a good match for myself. I wasn't sure I could even spot a good match for me and questioned my judgment. 20 years of bad partner choices made my life so unfulfilled and depressing. Don't put yourself through that. I had to kiss a lot of toads, but I finally realized that compatibility in areas of relationship roles, spending/savings habits, childrearing, and sexual needs are intrinsic to overall relationship health. When I found that man after many dates and short relationships, it was like the world had a whole new hue. I had compatibility in all areas instead of just one or two. The whole relationship has been so easy, not "work", or even much compromise, because we just see eye to eye in almost everything. You can have that, too. I encourage you to look for it and be happy.
Author MissyMoon Posted September 8, 2007 Author Posted September 8, 2007 Thank you very much dropdeadlegs for your wise advice. I have made some very bad choice in the past. I think staying with a sick man is one of them. Things are becoming clearer for me. His is a relationship of needs not love. He doesn't really care about my needs but just takes from me what he needed. It is unfortunate that I have chosen to stay in this relationship for so long. It is unfortunate and stupid of me to continue it. My self esteem is geniunely hurt by my choices and infidelity in a way is an exit door for me to leave this situation. I needed to feel alive and be back to my old self to realize that this is not something I want to continue. With H, my new lover, I doubt that we would ever end up with each other. However, for the time being, he makes me feel happy and alive. I will take some time for myself and sort things out with my husband. I had fallen out of love with him and there is no need to continue. Thank you so much for the caring and wise advice from everyone.
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