Married but unhappy, then I met someone last month...

[moonchild21]

I've been married to my wife for 15 years, and we have wonderful kids. The problem is, I don't feel any love from my wife, and I haven't for a long time.

 

Much of the problem stems from the fact that we have sex very infrequently. I remember years when we had sex less then 10 times the whole year. And that has gone on for many years, since we first got married. She always seems to brush me off when I try and give her a kiss, or just snuggle with her. I remember one argument we had where she said "let's just pretend we are college room mates, you do your thing, and I will do mine." Emotionally, I get nothing from her at all.

 

In the last 3 years she has developed a drinking problem, where she has literally gone 8 days in a row drinking a bottle of champagne a night, goes out with her girlfriends until late and comes home just drunk out of her mind, drinks during the day, hides her drinking, drinks before driving the kids somewhere, it is devastating to me. Last year we were out at a friends house with our kids, and she drank until she was literally falling down drunk.

 

I was disgusted and didn't hide that fact, so when we got home we started arguing about her being drunk. When I told her she was an alcoholic she started punching me in the back, so I grabbed her hands and held her away from me.

 

Well she was so drunk she called the police and told them I was beating her, so they came out to our house (and yes, the kids were all home at the time). Luckily for me I had been writing down every instance of her drinking, and when she told me she called the cops, I ran to my computer and printed a copy out and put it in my pocket.

 

When the police came they were telling me I could go to jail that very minute if she decided to press charges. Luckily I had that piece of paper which I let them read, and that seemed to soften things up with them. In the end, she was crying saying what a great person I was, and I would never hurt a fly, and the police finally agreed to go but ONLY if I would leave the house with all the kids for the rest of the day so she could sober up.

 

From that point on, I am just totally horrified of her drinking, and she STILL has many episodes where she is falling down drunk in front of the kids. She doesn't drink EVERY day now, but far too much, and I know a repeat episode with the police isn't far off.

 

We have talked at great length many times about our marriage and how things are not working out. She doesn't want counseling, she says it won't work. I would write her very detailed letters detailing things I wasn't happy with: we would never kiss, or have sex, or she was drinking too much: and things would get better for a couple weeks and then go back to how they were.

 

She went on anti depressants, she spends a lot of time in bed, and just isn't emotionally available. I don't feel any love at all coming from her towards me.

 

I have never in all our years of marriage been unfaithful or done anything to feel guilty about, until two weeks ago.

 

Last month I met a girl who works at a local business, and I immediately felt a mutual attraction. To me, it was almost like electricity was in the air. We talked like we had known each other for 20 years, when it had been all of 5 minutes. Nothing happened, but I just "felt" something was on a very different level with this person.

 

2 weeks later I was back for another appointment, and it was more of the same. She just lit up when I walked in, and we talked like old friends. At one point I very innocently suggested she give me her email address because I wanted to email her some marketing tips I had researched and written up based on a previous business similar to hers. She loved the idea and handed me her email address and name before I left that day. I also found out she was married when she made a brief reference to "my husband."

 

Well one email turned into 2, turned into 50 over the last couple of weeks. Nothing suggestive or sexual in any way, just like two friends talking, making jokes, asking about each other's days and so forth.

 

In one email last week she asked for my cell number so she could let me know about my next appointment. We had another terrific time talking and laughing at last weeks appointment. At one point she said "it's fun to have an email buddy" and we just continued to have great conversation about a million different innocent things. I remember her husband calling during the appointment, twice, and both times she said something like "sorry I can't talk, I am really busy, I will see you later."

 

Well later that day after I left, I got a text from her on my cell phone telling me about something that had happened after work and asking how I was doing and things like that. I texted her back and were now texting each other every day. She asks things like where I am, what am I doing, tells me where she is, what she is doing, making jokes, totally innocent enough stuff. Again, nothing even remotely sexual or talking about a relationship or anything like that.

 

Now I know my wife would flip out if she knew I exchanged even ONE email with this person, let alone am texting her every day. She would lose her mind for sure. It wouldn't even matter WHO it was, the fact that I would even be talking to another female, married or not, would cause her to freak out. As I am sure I would have freaked out if I caught my wife doing the same thing. And I sort of did, years ago, when some guy started calling her at the house to "talk" and I questioned her about it enough where she finally admitted years later that she was stupid to do that, and sorry for having been talking to someone like that.

 

Which brings me to where I am today. I don't love my wife, and I am really starting to feel something for this other woman. It's like I have had this huge hole in my heart for so long, and being able to feel something like this for someone else gives me hope that I won't be miserable my whole life. Getting a text or an email from her, just her asking what I am doing, makes the entire day brighter for me.

 

I don't fantasize about any kind of sexual relationship at all with her, but just talking with her makes me so happy, like sunshine is finally casting light into the dark recesses of my life.

 

This has never happened to me before, ever. I am wondering if I am totally reading the situation incorrectly and that this lady is just interested in being friends. I mean, it doesn't feel normal to me that a married woman would be emailing and texting with someone OTHER than her husband, so I have to think there is interest on her part in something other then being friends.

 

I don't know what to think at this point. I am totally confused, my emotions are just rushing up and down like a roller coaster, and I question my own marriage and my entire way of life. I don't want to ruin anyone's marriage, but what if she is as unhappy as I am? What if we were meant to be together? I know some people will tell me to cut off all contact with her, but what if she is the one?

 

I'm sorry for writing so much, but I have no one to talk to about any of this, and some of these thoughts have been raging in my head for well over ten years, with no outlet.

 

Any comments or suggestions or simple words of advice would be much appreciated at this point. I know this isn't "right" according to marriage vows and what society thinks, but sometimes what is right for you, or right for me, isn't always right for everyone else. Things like this can work out, or they can ruin your life. My marriage is bad enough now where maybe it can't get any worse than it already is.

[lostboy60645]

Good on you for coming here and knowing that there's an internal voice telling you that not only are things bad with your wife, but that this new relationship can be that thing that you think can't make 'the worst marriage' sink to a much lower level.

 

Take it from someone who's been there, done that and more than once. For one thing, I nearly became engaged to an alcoholic. By definition, all of us who are married to or lovers of the alcoholic have some sort of issue around that relationship that pertains to problems within ourselves.

 

How could that be, you ask?

 

Yes, I read that she wasn't really exhibiting alcoholic behavior before, ostensibly, but if we had a panel of experts looking at the situation (and here, believe it or not, you probably do), they'd tell you the same thing. You need individual counseling just around the notion of being married to someone like your wife.

 

The other, more burning issue, at least in regards to your desire (some call it lust, but that term is too strong from what you're describing anyway), is the other relationship.

 

Let's make this as simple as possible.

 

She's married.

 

You're married.

 

Any questions?

 

I know I would have one to...don't get me wrong. My current marriage is on the threshold of finalizing a divorce based on my infidelity. You can read about my mess of a life on my blog---link is in my bio of my profile.

 

Anyhow, what I'm saying is that I can empathize with the thought that you finally have rays of hope shining on your beaten and bruised body. It feels good.

 

But making the mistake of having what can be considered by many (including a lawyer representing your wife and innocent children) an emotional affair, is a sure sign that you are in danger of being in just as bad or worse situation of harming your family as your wife.

 

I, for one, did not see it that way while I was in the midst of it.

 

I hope and pray that you can do what many will no doubt post is the right thing. Explain to your OW (other woman) that while you recognize this as being a potentially amazing relationship, that if it's a good idea today, it's a good idea down the line when you're not in such a vulnerable position i.e. suffering the destructive forces of full blown addiction on your family.

 

Your wife's alcoholism is devasting to everything in it's path.

 

Unfortunately, and this is much harder to understand for the average person, compared to her alcoholism, your relationship with this OW already has the potential to be nearly as devastating to your wife, kids, friends, colleagues, parents, in-laws, neighbors etc. The same goes for all of those relationships OW has in her life.

 

How awful would it be to not only have a wife whose disease is destroying you and your family and then you, in a vulnerable, weak moment, allow yourself to further this already dangerous relationship with OW?

 

It will be more devastating beyond what you could conceive. That's no exaggeration.

 

I look forward to seeing how this situation evolves. Unfortunately, recent long, long, painful stories I've been reading here lately have highlighted these most disasterous of human frailties.

 

You need to take care of yourself. There are a lot better ways of doing that right now than seeking the good things that you think will come from this forbidden relationship.

 

Do something different that will be the best for everyone in the long run.

 

Get an individual counselor who can help you pick through all of this.

 

It could be the most important thing you've ever done for yourself or your family.

 

All the best.

[LucreziaBorgia]

My marriage is bad enough now where maybe it can't get any worse than it already is.

 

Why not divorce? It sounds like your marriage is over and done with even without the OW in the picture.

[tommyr]

Much of the problem stems from the fact that we have sex very infrequently. I remember years when we had sex less then 10 times the whole year. And that has gone on for many years, since we first got married. She always seems to brush me off when I try and give her a kiss, or just snuggle with her. I remember one argument we had where she said "let's just pretend we are college room mates, you do your thing, and I will do mine." Emotionally, I get nothing from her at all.

 

Not long ago I too was roomates with my wife. Like you I was beginning to notice all of the other attractive and interesting women around me. And like you I started to ask myself what is wrong with this situation! I started talking to married friends and doing research - read alot of stuff on the internet esp. here at loveshack. I never heard terms like sexless marriage or burned out mommy but those sure sounded familiar, and I learned that this was only a symptom of deeper things missing from our relationship.

 

18 months ago I made the decision to abandon any thoughts of divorce/affairs/etc until after I had exhausted all efforts on improving my marriage. This meant a few changes for me:

1) I needed to start telling my wife the stuff that was bothering me (no sex) instead of just harboring resentments

2) Bring my A-Game back to my marriage.. if I pour a fresh cup of coffee for myself, take one to my wife. Send her an email from work just asking how her day is going. Before leaving the house come give her a passionate kiss goodbye. To me these are little things but it really helps her to feel connected with me

3) Got us into marriage counseling. She did not want to go at first so I went to a couple appmts by myself before she started coming too

 

Basically I stopped treating her like a wife and began to treat her like a girlfriend. And guess what? She has responded http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t126479/

[smoochygirl]

It is unfair to anyone who is married to have emotional and specially physical relationship outside marriage, Just divorce your wife. It is not a sin to get divorce but it is a big sin to have an affair.

[Lizzie60]

I say leave and take your kids with you. This woman is dangerous. She drives your kids around while intoxicated... have her arrested. Your children's safety is at risk!

 

She can have you thrown in jail anytime... She is completely nuts...

I can't see any other way...since she won't go to counselling, you don't have much option but to divorce her...

[bestadvisor]

I've been married to my wife for 15 years, and we have wonderful kids. The problem is, I don't feel any love from my wife, and I haven't for a long time.

 

This does not give you the right to have an affair and lie about it. Stop now and think about how your wife would feel and how OW's husband would feel? Are you ready to deal with your wife and are you ready to deal with her husband?

 

Cheating is so much worse than divorce! "Divorce" meaning when everything is finalized mentally and in paper and don't be doing anything while in the process of divorce, because many couples do reconcile when they realize that it's about to be final for sure.

[MrsHellnoFire]

"drinks before driving the kids somewhere"This is extremely dangerous and she should NOT EVEN HAVE A LICENSE nor have kids in her care if these are the reckless actions she produces! She needs help and an intervention PRONTO before she KILLS SOMEBODY!

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

I've been married to my wife for 15 years, and we have wonderful kids. The problem is, I don't feel any love from my wife, and I haven't for a long time.

 

Much of the problem stems from the fact that we have sex very infrequently. I remember years when we had sex less then 10 times the whole year. And that has gone on for many years, since we first got married. She always seems to brush me off when I try and give her a kiss, or just snuggle with her. I remember one argument we had where she said "let's just pretend we are college room mates, you do your thing, and I will do mine." Emotionally, I get nothing from her at all.

 

In the last 3 years she has developed a drinking problem, where she has literally gone 8 days in a row drinking a bottle of champagne a night, goes out with her girlfriends until late and comes home just drunk out of her mind, drinks during the day, hides her drinking, drinks before driving the kids somewhere, it is devastating to me. Last year we were out at a friends house with our kids, and she drank until she was literally falling down drunk.

 

I was disgusted and didn't hide that fact, so when we got home we started arguing about her being drunk. When I told her she was an alcoholic she started punching me in the back, so I grabbed her hands and held her away from me.

 

Well she was so drunk she called the police and told them I was beating her, so they came out to our house (and yes, the kids were all home at the time). Luckily for me I had been writing down every instance of her drinking, and when she told me she called the cops, I ran to my computer and printed a copy out and put it in my pocket.

 

When the police came they were telling me I could go to jail that very minute if she decided to press charges. Luckily I had that piece of paper which I let them read, and that seemed to soften things up with them. In the end, she was crying saying what a great person I was, and I would never hurt a fly, and the police finally agreed to go but ONLY if I would leave the house with all the kids for the rest of the day so she could sober up.

 

From that point on, I am just totally horrified of her drinking, and she STILL has many episodes where she is falling down drunk in front of the kids. She doesn't drink EVERY day now, but far too much, and I know a repeat episode with the police isn't far off.

 

We have talked at great length many times about our marriage and how things are not working out. She doesn't want counseling, she says it won't work. I would write her very detailed letters detailing things I wasn't happy with: we would never kiss, or have sex, or she was drinking too much: and things would get better for a couple weeks and then go back to how they were.

 

She went on anti depressants, she spends a lot of time in bed, and just isn't emotionally available. I don't feel any love at all coming from her towards me.

 

I have never in all our years of marriage been unfaithful or done anything to feel guilty about, until two weeks ago.

 

Last month I met a girl who works at a local business, and I immediately felt a mutual attraction. To me, it was almost like electricity was in the air. We talked like we had known each other for 20 years, when it had been all of 5 minutes. Nothing happened, but I just "felt" something was on a very different level with this person.

 

2 weeks later I was back for another appointment, and it was more of the same. She just lit up when I walked in, and we talked like old friends. At one point I very innocently suggested she give me her email address because I wanted to email her some marketing tips I had researched and written up based on a previous business similar to hers. She loved the idea and handed me her email address and name before I left that day. I also found out she was married when she made a brief reference to "my husband."

 

Well one email turned into 2, turned into 50 over the last couple of weeks. Nothing suggestive or sexual in any way, just like two friends talking, making jokes, asking about each other's days and so forth.

 

In one email last week she asked for my cell number so she could let me know about my next appointment. We had another terrific time talking and laughing at last weeks appointment. At one point she said "it's fun to have an email buddy" and we just continued to have great conversation about a million different innocent things. I remember her husband calling during the appointment, twice, and both times she said something like "sorry I can't talk, I am really busy, I will see you later."

 

Well later that day after I left, I got a text from her on my cell phone telling me about something that had happened after work and asking how I was doing and things like that. I texted her back and were now texting each other every day. She asks things like where I am, what am I doing, tells me where she is, what she is doing, making jokes, totally innocent enough stuff. Again, nothing even remotely sexual or talking about a relationship or anything like that.

 

Now I know my wife would flip out if she knew I exchanged even ONE email with this person, let alone am texting her every day. She would lose her mind for sure. It wouldn't even matter WHO it was, the fact that I would even be talking to another female, married or not, would cause her to freak out. As I am sure I would have freaked out if I caught my wife doing the same thing. And I sort of did, years ago, when some guy started calling her at the house to "talk" and I questioned her about it enough where she finally admitted years later that she was stupid to do that, and sorry for having been talking to someone like that.

 

Which brings me to where I am today. I don't love my wife, and I am really starting to feel something for this other woman. It's like I have had this huge hole in my heart for so long, and being able to feel something like this for someone else gives me hope that I won't be miserable my whole life. Getting a text or an email from her, just her asking what I am doing, makes the entire day brighter for me.

 

I don't fantasize about any kind of sexual relationship at all with her, but just talking with her makes me so happy, like sunshine is finally casting light into the dark recesses of my life.

 

This has never happened to me before, ever. I am wondering if I am totally reading the situation incorrectly and that this lady is just interested in being friends. I mean, it doesn't feel normal to me that a married woman would be emailing and texting with someone OTHER than her husband, so I have to think there is interest on her part in something other then being friends.

 

I don't know what to think at this point. I am totally confused, my emotions are just rushing up and down like a roller coaster, and I question my own marriage and my entire way of life. I don't want to ruin anyone's marriage, but what if she is as unhappy as I am? What if we were meant to be together? I know some people will tell me to cut off all contact with her, but what if she is the one?

 

I'm sorry for writing so much, but I have no one to talk to about any of this, and some of these thoughts have been raging in my head for well over ten years, with no outlet.

 

Any comments or suggestions or simple words of advice would be much appreciated at this point. I know this isn't "right" according to marriage vows and what society thinks, but sometimes what is right for you, or right for me, isn't always right for everyone else. Things like this can work out, or they can ruin your life. My marriage is bad enough now where maybe it can't get any worse than it already is.

 

You say you had nothing to feel guilty about until two weeks ago. Keep it this way, to ensure you can go ahead with your life doing the right thing. Embarking on a sexual affair will only open the guilt gates, and you really need a clear conscience to do what you need to do - which is seriously think about whether you and your children should be with your wife at this point in time.

 

Your W needs specialist help, and to ensure your kids have the best chance of having two fully functioning parents, you need to help her get it. The OW will bring more complications into your life at this point - sure, she's offering you a light at the end of a very dark tunnel you have been in. That light will be there, maybe not in the form of this OW but in another. You will find it! But you need to get you and your kids out of that tunnel before you carry on a relationship with anyone.

 

Get specialist help now. Help your wife through it as far as you can. Do everything in your power to help. And then get out and know you've done all you can and be confident you will be able to find happiness for yourself without the guilt that will come knocking on your door.

 

Hugs (())