Krytellan Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 I've been thinking for a couple days about one of the last things my last g/f said to me on the day we broke up over 2 months ago. She said that she didn't think that I was truly over my ex-wife because I was bringing problems from that relationship into this one. I can't decide if she really thought that or whether she just pulled it out as some form of rationalizing. Regardless, it had me thinking... it seems a fine line between "not being over" someone because you see a particular thing from before happening again and you address it and just being proactive. So, my ex-wife and I had an atrocious sex life which ultimately ended in me feeling undesired and resenting her for it. So that ended and I moved on and eventually met a nice girl on the other side of the country. The sex was good for a while then dropped off. What I had said to her was that I had been through this before and I know myself to know that I cannot be in a relationship without an active sex-life again (also keep in mind that the relationship started predicated on the fact that we both had sex as VERY important in a relationship). This topic had come up early in the discovery portion of our relationship as well because of some psychological issues I dealt with early in the new relationship. Does this declaration of mine mean that I have not dealt with the issues from my ex-wife or can it be seen as learning from past experiences and having clear expectations because of them? Maybe I'm just too stubborn and proud to accept that maybe it does mean the former... who knows?
Curious139 Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 That is a really thoughtful and honest question. It depends upon how well your g/f knew you - if you were emotionally close then she may very well be right. After all, she is able to look at you from outside your own head. We often can't see our own motivations and mental blocks. A physical relationship is certainly important but not imho the primary determinant of a successful relationship. But that is just my view.
Author Krytellan Posted September 4, 2007 Author Posted September 4, 2007 Thanks for your insight. I wasn't saying that sex is the most important, but I certainly can't do without it. I know this from experience. No one else has any thoughts? Really? I find that very hard to believe.
Kamille Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 It's a kind of hard to answer because there are kind of two issues... The importance of sex in a relationship and your fundamental one about learning from past relationship-being over them. Open any book about sexuality and you will read that it is normal for couples to experience fluctuations in the frequency of their sexual activities, caused by stress, physical illnesses, time of the month, etc. So maybe your ex was right. Maybe you jumped the gun on this one based on your past experience. Maybe she was just on a 'down' phase. I wasn't around LS at the time you two broke it off, so I have no idea how you two dealt with the topic. I just know, from experience, that it gets very complicated when a partner tells me that 'we don't have sex like we used to'. Sex suddenly feels like an obligation and not a spontaneous thing. Does it mean you are not over your ex? You are likely not over the blow to your self-esteem that her lack of sex-drive provoked. So in a way, your quest for someone who shares your libido could be but a 'band aid' solution to some deep-seated self-esteem issue. It is your prerogative however to decide what you want (and how much sex you want) in a relationship. It's just that well, everyone's sex drive, and unfortunately especially women's, fluctuate.
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