FC801 Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 Hi everyone, Sorry in advance for the long post...I just feel like I have to get this out or I'm going to explode. I've posted before, but long story short, my live-in exboyfriend of 2 1/2 years broke up with me 2+ months ago, suddenly, out of the blue. I'm 30, he's 28. One week he was talking about growing old together and buying a home, the following week he broke up with me (right before we were supposed to move to Austin together) saying he was homesick and wanted to go back to England (where he's from). There were no red flags, no warning signs, we were great together. He moved to Austin (mandatory relocation for work) and I was left in our shared apartment to pick up the pieces. Three weeks after our breakup, he called to tell me he had slept with someone else and was totally over me. I spent the first month crying every day, barely able to get through each day. I couldn't understand why or how this happened, and how he changed so rapidly from a sweet committed boyfriend to a scared little boy. I had always considered myself a really strong, independent person, but I could not get it together. He came back to get his things the end of July, crying, telling me he loved me and was confused...we took a hike together and despite the horribleness of the situation, I thought we both got some bittersweet closure. I went NC after that, except for our obligatory once a month email about rent and joint finances. But something was just not right, I felt it in my gut, and I've always trusted my instinct. I started looking for my own answers. And I found them. My exboyfriend had left thousands of his personal and work emails on my PC (which I hardly use because he got me a laptop in December). I can't believe I had never noticed them before, but I guess I was blinded by faith in him. Of course I read them all. Turns out he had been planning to leave me and move back to England since July 2006, 11 months before he finally broke up with me. But he was too much of a coward to be honest with me. Instead, he continued the farce, he took me to England to meet his parents, we signed a 12 month lease on an apartment he knew I could never afford on my own, he bought me $1000 diamond earrings for Christmas (and in his emails to his friends, he was telling them he didn't even want to spend Christmas with me). He took me to Paris and Barcelona for my 30th birthday, invited me to move with him to Austin and spoke of buying a house together...He spent an additional 11 months being this perfect boyfriend, letting my love and trust in him grow and strengthen... AND IT WAS ALL A LIE!! I don't think he ever had any intention of us moving together to Texas, but he let me get excited about it, tell family and friends, and then he waited until the last minute to break up with me so he could run and hide in Austin by himself. I didn't know people could betray their significant others so deeply, but I guess I was never really significant to him. It was just him playing grownup, he was having some fun during his temporary stay in America, and it was easier to keep me around than break up with me, since he's always been terrified of conflict. Honestly, it was horrible finding out, and not from him, that he had lied to me for so long. But I'm relieved to know the truth, to feel justified in trusting my instincts. Finally, there is a reason for his cowardly immature actions. It wasn't a sudden break up; it was calculated WAY in advance. He absolutely disgusts me. And the worst part is, I can't even tell him I know all this, because he's paying his part of the rent until our lease is up in November. I have an email detailing my contempt for him that I am just dying to send him, but I know that I need to be patient and wait until he pays up. It's sooooo hard!!!!! The good news is, it makes it easier to get over him, because I know now that the person I loved so much never even existed. He tricked me, my entire family and all our friends. I think I will be really messed up with trust issues for a long time to come, but I guess I should feel lucky that he showed his true colors now, and not after I changed my entire life for him and for his lies. Does anyone else feel like this? I just have these alternating waves of depression and rage...I've lost 25 pounds from the stress and anxiety of letting this situation control my thoughts. And I know I just need to let it go, but I don't think I will be able to let it go until I can send him that email and give myself closure on my anger...If he had just been honest, so much of this hurt and pain could have been avoided. WHY??!?!
birdie Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 He sounds he definitely had issues with conflict and communication. Committing to live in another country is a huge step. Why is it that he was able to express his doubts to his friends but not to you? It sounds to me like the two of you had communication issues in the relationship. It is suspicious that you assumed 100% that he was ok and ready and he kept saying something completely different to his friends. He took you home to his parents and took a lease out on a flat (that he keeps paying his half for so he is not being irresponsible). It sounds to me like he tried to find a way to make it work but he was busy with his stuff and you were busy with yours and the two of you didn't really talk.
Ormolu611 Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 He sounds he definitely had issues with conflict and communication. Committing to live in another country is a huge step. Why is it that he was able to express his doubts to his friends but not to you? It sounds to me like the two of you had communication issues in the relationship. It is suspicious that you assumed 100% that he was ok and ready and he kept saying something completely different to his friends. He took you home to his parents and took a lease out on a flat (that he keeps paying his half for so he is not being irresponsible). It sounds to me like he tried to find a way to make it work but he was busy with his stuff and you were busy with yours and the two of you didn't really talk. Calling you three weeks after the split and telling you that he had slept with someone else and was over you does not sound like miscommunication. It sounds like culpability. Perhaps, though, there was some degree of miscommunication or simply no communication. It is hard to imagine that the emails that he left on the computer were so blatant aout wanting to leave you when you were able to access the same computer and emails. You said yourself that you could not believe that you never noticed them before. None of this matters now of course. Try your best to move on. I don't know if sending that email will really accomplish anything. I wrote a ton of angry emails in the weeks following my breakup and came really close to sending some of them, but I held fast never sent any of them. Now, I am glad that I didn't. Let silence speak for you. Keep your dignity.
Curious139 Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 Calling you three weeks after the split and telling you that he had slept with someone else and was over you does not sound like miscommunication. It sounds like culpability. Let silence speak for you. Keep your dignity. Amen to that. I totally agree and well said.
Author FC801 Posted September 5, 2007 Author Posted September 5, 2007 Actually, we communicated all the time, we made time to talk each night no matter how tired we were, and we'd have a long sit down dinner at least twice a week to really catch up. But the problem was what he was telling me was all lies. He brought up all the serious conversations about our future, talked about ways to get me a visa to come live with him in the UK when his visa here was up...He seemed to be an amazing boyfriend. But clearly he was not, he really pulled the wool over my eyes. I know an angry email right now is not the answer. I am waiting a few months to calm down and make sure it's something I really want to send, and to make sure we are squared away financially. And to me, this is a way to regain my dignity, not lose it. He thinks he got away with all his lies. He thinks it is ok to be so careless with other people's feelings and take advantage of my trust by being completely false with me, telling me we'd grow old and grumpy together when inside, he was doubting us the entire time. And I want to be the one to tell him that it's not ok and his lies will catch up with him one day. I have no illusions or misconceptions; I'm not going to send it and hope he'll respond. I don't want him to waste any more of my time with his lame excuses. I don't want him back, I wouldn't give him another chance to hurt me if he were the last guy on the planet just out of principle (I'm stubborn, Irish AND a taurus). I know it will be the last time I ever hear from him. And that, for me, is sweet closure.
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