No Closure

[Feigned]

Is there such a thing as perfect closure?

 

I suppose one of my stumbling blocks from moving on is that I didnt really get a proper closure from my ex who dumped me recently. He reckons (and he actually said this the last time we spoke which was the day he broke up with me) that our relationship ended because I cheated on him (which I didnt) and even if I wanted to have a civilized conversation to explain this to him and maybe even try to work things out, he is adamant that he doesnt want a relationship. I only tried once to contact him, this was 2 weeks after he dumped me but he still refuses to speak to me or save the relaitonship and what he'll end up doing is screaming at me on the phone (it was a LDR) and would not want to speak to me like an adult.

 

Some well-meaning friends said that what he did IS the closure. But that's probably his, not mine. Or my own closure has yet to come?

[LakesideDream]

Closure is overrated, or maybe it doesen't exist. Hell, it didn't exist until 7-8 years ago when the media pop head shrinkers started using the term.

 

There are times in life when a person has to look inside themselves for the strength to keep plunging ahead. Hoping and dreaming that someone else will call you, or have lunch with you, and talk nice, maybe telling you "everything will be OK" is just talk.

 

We all know what talk is worth.

[LoveDeluxe78]

Closure doesn't really exist. If you are the dumper and broke up with your partner because you no longer have feelings for them, then the perfect closure would be for them to tell you it's ok you broke up with them, which is not usually the case, so you feel guilty and have no closure.

 

In the last relationship that I ended several days ago, I had to break up with him not because my feelings for him were gone, but because it was too painful to be with someone so ambivalent and cold. I made the mistake of seeing him "one last time" and I ended up crying in his car telling him how much he hurt me, and he agreed that he did, which I thought would give me the closure I needed, after all, it was what I wanted to hear, but it made me feel worse!

 

Now if you are the dumpee, you will almost NEVER have closure!

 

So I think closure is overrated or nonexistent! You get closure when you have no contact and really really move on.

[Krytellan]

I'm convinced that when people say they want closure, what they're really needing is one last opportunity to try to convince themselves that the other person still wants/needs them in some way. This is why those who do the dumping do not need closure and the dumpees do. When we are dumped, we feel badly about ourselves and need reassurance, in the form of the infamous "closure". Even with the opportunity, we rarely get it, by the nature of being dumped in the first place.

[LoveDeluxe78]

You can be the "dumper" and still need the person to want you back in some way. I felt so rejected by my ex-bf the whole time we were together. And even though I did the breaking up, and he told me yesterday that he wasn't really emotionally open with me while we were together, and that he did like me a lot, instead of having closure, I felt worse.

 

So I don't agree that the dumpee is the only party needing closure.

[birdie]

I think different people mean different things by closure. It exists in my book but it takes a while for it to happen. To me closure is when I can look back on a past relationship and I completely understand why it went the way it did and why my ex and I behaved the way we did. Once I have perspective on a situation, I have closure.

 

So far I have been able to put things in their place but it sometimes takes a while. Even when it's me that breaks up the relationship it's hard because I feel guilt, doubt myself, think that I may have been too demanding, upset that I couldn't make it work, etc. That feeling does go away though.

 

I have had long term relationships but never been dumped in those situations so not sure how that feels.

[CrazyPanda]

Closure to me needs to be done by both partners. The dumper must explain their reaons behind ending the relationship and the dumpee must understand it and reconginze/accept that those were the reasons why it ended. Most dumpee's look for more closure in search for more answers thinking there has to be lot more to it than what the dumper says. Sadly, it took me time to realize what my ex was explaining to me.

 

Usually there is no perfect closure. The dumpee is most of the time let thinking, "what went wrong".

[Curious139]

Closure to me means acceptance. Ideally it would mean both parties mutually agree the breakup is for the best and understand each others point of view. That must be rare.

 

I also think closure is overrated because sometimes there simply isn't a valid or rational reason from the dumpees perspective. We just have to take a deep breath and recognise that sometimes even relationships of deep love still come to an end. I wish it were otherwise........

[Feigned]

Thanks for your replies so far.

 

He said that the reason why our relationship had to end was because I cheated on him. In one of our phone conversations leading to him dumping me, kiddingly, I admitted having a crush on this guy that he has always been insecure with and he flipped out. I mean a crush is harmless right, I didnt act it out, it's not as if I committed adultery or anything and for that he can not forgive me, he really thinks I cheated and I lied and his solution was to break up with me and I just dont get it. Why wont he want to work it out? How can they just not want to work things out and just leave like that? I tried to convince him that I didnt cheat but he's not having it, I feel so helpless because we live in 2 different countries, it would have been much easier to see his facial reaction than just hear his voice.

 

I have contacted him only twice since he dumped me, both occassions he was screaming and asked for me not to contact him ever again and stop harrassing his family (he still lives with his parents, he's in his early 30's) or else he will call the police. So since then I have been in NC for over 40 days, not once did he try contacting me either. I am constantly struggling every single day not to call him, or send him an email or a letter to explain myself. I just hope I get my closure one day when I just dont care about him anymore and want nothing to do with him. I will get there right?