Cardinal64 Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 Its been over 8 months since I separated from my wife . We are to be divorced on the 25th of October. ( married over 7 years - together 8 1/2 years - we have a 6 1/2 year old son - we both love.) My question - after having my heart ripped in two because of my wife's infidelity - how do you learn to trust again? At times I'm afraid to invest so much time and effort in a relationship again only to end up being alone in the end and hurt. I'm not trying to make it seem like I was a saint or anything. I did make my share of mistakes - could have, should have , would have - have all entered my head over and over again. I never cheated on her, always helped with the housework and raising our son, showed her as much love and affection as possible, never was too controlling - allowing her to go out when she wanted with her GFs when she wanted. When she wanted a massage - feet, full body - I was happy to do so . Now she seems distant and very business-like with me. I think the value I have for her is that of someone that she can leave our son with when she wants her "freedom". I suppose I have as much value as yesterday's newspaper. Its like she is a stranger to me now. Its been hard going from having a family life that I really loved to being all alone. We are sharing custody of our son. Im trying my best to focus on my little son and make sure he doesn't suffer as a result of the divorce. Ill get through this - and be a better man for it. Anyone been through this before?
Tomcat33 Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 Cardinal, I'm sorry you couldn't work things out with your W and that you had to go through something as painful as betrayal. Sometimes it's just better this way though, maybe the betrayal was a sign of something deeper that could not be overcome. I was once cheated on by my fiancee and I know how that feels, I know what it's like to have all those dreams for a future wiped out of the slate for good. Having said that, there are no guarantees in life, people are people and there is no accounting for life's turns and twists and what people will do. There are plenty of people who would never cheat who would never allow themselves to get to that point. how do you regain the trust again? you do with time, you accept that cheating is about other people not about you, and that no matter how hard you try to do things right you can't stop it from happening if a person is wired that way. Once you accept that it is quite liberating in that you stop obsessing over something that might never happen and just learn to enjoy the now. If you don't feel you can do it alone, seek councelling to overcome your fears of trust. People can be trusted and people who think just like you do exist. The thing that helped me the most was knowing that no matter how much it hurt to be cheated on I overcame it, I survived it, once you can prove to yourself that life still goes on even after betrayal you don't worry about it as much, because no matter what you can and WILL handle it. What we fear the most is the pain but the pain will not kill you. You will love again and you will find the woman who sees things in a mature manner as yourself.
Woggle Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 Just learn to respect yourself and watch for the warning signs with women. Looking back there were probably tons of warning signs with your ex but you ignored them. You had to learn the hard way so next time around use that knowledge and end things with a woman as soon she starts acting stupid.
Mr. Lucky Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 Anyone been through this before? I went through a very similar break-up, divorcing my wife after her affair when my son was 3 years old. Not knowing your specific circumstances, I can only tell you what worked for me: 1). Get your new house or apartment (assuming you're not getting the marital dwelling) squared away, especially your son's room. Bring some toys, furniture or decor from your house, kids like continuity. 2). Don't be a "Disneyland" Dad. It's OK to just hang out together, watch a movie and just enjoy each other - everything doesn't have to be an activity or big production. 3). Don't ever bad mouth your STBX wife in front of your son. Ignore your ex if she does so to you. 4). Confine your social life to when you don't have your son. "This is Dad's girlfriend" is too confusing for him, keep him out of it. 5). Don't let discomfort over seeing your ex keep you away from school or family functions. Be there for birthdays, open houses, anything else that involves you son. 6). Accept early on that there will be times that are frustrating, awkward, painful and heartbreaking. Understand that pain is part of growth. Always think of how things affect your son before thinking of yourself. 7). For yourself, stay busy! Get a hobby, join a group, take a lesson - do something. Stay out of bars and away from those that don't have your best interests at heart. Be strong for your son. 8). Don't look for a new relationship. Work on being a good person and Father and the right person will find you. It worked for me . Stay strong, hope it goes well... Mr. Lucky
lostboy60645 Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 I have to say that I can definitely relate to what you're going through, but unfortunately, I'm the cheater in the mix. Nevertheless, I'm told that 'time heals all wounds', so I'd bet a tincture of time is going to help. The other part of it is individual therapy, in my opinion. It seems to help a person consolidate the thoughts regarding where they may have gone wrong in a relationship--and I'm NOT saying that a betrayed spouse 'causes' the infidelity. I know that's not true. But Mr. Lucky's list is excellent, and I have to say Lucky, I don't thing it's just 'luck'. You did the right things and I believe that as much as bad things happen to good people, more often it's good things that happen to good people and perhaps more importantly, it's good people that can take something good out of something bad. Good luck guys lostboy60645 ...read my blog listed in profile...
reservoirdog1 Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 Mr. Lucky's list is a good one. I have a few modifications to suggest. 3). Don't ever bad mouth your STBX wife in front of your son. If your ex does it to you and you find out about it, set the record straight -- but without bad-mothing her. 5). Don't let discomfort over seeing your ex keep you away from school or family functions. Be there for birthdays, open houses, anything else that involves you son. If need be, take a sibling, friend or parent with you for moral support. 6). Accept early on that there will be times that are frustrating, awkward, painful and heartbreaking. Understand that pain is part of growth. Always think of how things affect your son before thinking of yourself. 7). For yourself, stay busy! Get a hobby, join a group, take a lesson - do something. Stay out of bars and away from those that don't have your best interests at heart. Be strong for your son. Do something(s) that you've never tried before -- push the envelope a bit.
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