JamyeLanders0105 Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year. He wants to move in together b/f we decide to get married. I dont necassarily disagree with it, but my family is very strict and that was not how I was raised. My family would not approve and probably not speak to us. I am kind of in the middle on the issue. He says we practically live together anyway. Which we do, and its stupid to pay two rents especially if we are saving money to get married. How can we resolve this?
corazoncito Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 Whether living together is right for you as a couple or not is a really complex decision. It's hard to say without having more info. If the main reason you want to to live together is to only have to pay one rent, don't do it. Actually living together is very different from just spending time over at each other's apartments/dorms/houses etc, even if you spend every night together, seven days a week. If you just want to save money on rent, stick with a roommate. You can still set the money aside for when you're married, even if you have separate residences for now. If it is very important to you to be married to him eventually, I would hold off on moving in together until you are at least engaged. It sounds like you are counting on a marriage to him sooner or later and he is still not completely sure he's ready. Moving in together makes those issues more complicated.
Jinnah Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 I really believe in the saying, "Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?" There's a reason the saying became popular.
annabelle75 Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 Whether living together is right for you as a couple or not is a really complex decision. It's hard to say without having more info. If the main reason you want to to live together is to only have to pay one rent, don't do it. Actually living together is very different from just spending time over at each other's apartments/dorms/houses etc, even if you spend every night together, seven days a week. If you just want to save money on rent, stick with a roommate. You can still set the money aside for when you're married, even if you have separate residences for now. If it is very important to you to be married to him eventually, I would hold off on moving in together until you are at least engaged. It sounds like you are counting on a marriage to him sooner or later and he is still not completely sure he's ready. Moving in together makes those issues more complicated. Good advice. I come from a very religious family that would basically disown me if I ever moved in with a man outside the bounds of marriage. Even though I am alot more relaxed in my points of view my family still is very important to me and I don't see the need to do something to cause a wedge between us. I also want to set a good example for my daughter. You really need to sit down and figure out if the benefits out weigh the negatives. Its really soemthing only the two of you can answer for yourselves.
Jinnah Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 I believe there is a statistic on the low rate of marriage of people who live together first. If you really want to marry him, moving in together will probably lower the chances. Plus, why is it that you are good enough to live with right now, but not marry right now?
Lizzie60 Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year. He wants to move in together b/f we decide to get married. I dont necassarily disagree with it, but my family is very strict and that was not how I was raised. My family would not approve and probably not speak to us. I am kind of in the middle on the issue. He says we practically live together anyway. Which we do, and its stupid to pay two rents especially if we are saving money to get married. How can we resolve this? I never got married and I don't believe in marriage but my advice is this: definitely live together first. This is the only way you will know if you two are compatible...when you are faced with everyday life..bills, housework, etc. And before you get married, make sure you are on the same page, re. housework, money, children, discipline the kids...etc. Some people have more success by living common-law... I guess it is psychological... you never have the 'feeling' you 'own' the other person... like marriage sometimes do. So I say definitely try first... this is an extremely important part of your life so you got to go into this phase with your eyes and ears wide opened...
Lauriebell82 Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 I don't agree with the logic that you need to live with someone before you marry them to know what "they are like." Cohabitation vs. living together as a married couple is much different. I guess I have mixed emotions about the whole thing. I agree that you shouldn't just move in together to save money, do it cause you want to. You also said that your family would really be against the two of you living together. Do you want to cause that kind of a rift? You said that you hope that you will marry your bf, well you don't want your parents to hate your future husband. Sounds like you have a lot of factors to consider. I would think really hard about this. If you have any doubts, don't move in together.
corazoncito Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 After seeing some of your other posts, I think you and your bf may need to work on issues of trust and communication before you consider moving in together. Are the concerns you have about his past relationship part of why he wants to move in? To show you he's serious about his relationship with you?
VIP Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 I never got married and I don't believe in marriage but my advice is this: definitely live together first. This is the only way you will know if you two are compatible...when you are faced with everyday life..bills, housework, etc. And before you get married, make sure you are on the same page, re. housework, money, children, discipline the kids...etc. Some people have more success by living common-law... I guess it is psychological... you never have the 'feeling' you 'own' the other person... like marriage sometimes do. So I say definitely try first... this is an extremely important part of your life so you got to go into this phase with your eyes and ears wide opened... I agree with this 100%.
VIP Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 I really believe in the saying, "Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?" There's a reason the saying became popular. If he doesn't want to marry after they move in together, then be it. At least if they do decide to get married, it will be a conscious decision.
VIP Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 I believe there is a statistic on the low rate of marriage of people who live together first. If you really want to marry him, moving in together will probably lower the chances. Plus, why is it that you are good enough to live with right now, but not marry right now? May be they will discover something that they don't like about each other before they marry. Living together is not a committment, marriage is. That's why.
VIP Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 You also said that your family would really be against the two of you living together. Do you want to cause that kind of a rift? You said that you hope that you will marry your bf, well you don't want your parents to hate your future husband. The family shouldn't attempt to control the life of their adult children.
vivi Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 I don't think its a good idea to move in together unless you're engaged, at least. There are other ways to save money. With an engagement, there's a promise that both of you will actively work to find compromises for the rough spots so the marriage will be better. If there's no committment, there's not as much motivation to work together for solutions and there are many men who drag their feet. He will value the living together arrangement more if it isn't easy.
Jinnah Posted September 10, 2007 Posted September 10, 2007 May be they will discover something that they don't like about each other before they marry. Living together is not a committment, marriage is. That's why. They don't need to live together to discover that either. They should have figured that out before getting to this point, and if they already have my original questions still stand. If they are serious enough to live together, then why not enough to marry?
VIP Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 They don't need to live together to discover that either. They should have figured that out before getting to this point, and if they already have my original questions still stand. If they are serious enough to live together, then why not enough to marry? They might be serious enough, that's not the point. They cannot possibly imagine what problems they are going to have living together if they never lived together before. Dating is fun, living together needs compromising, accepting each other's weaknesses and shortcomings. People don't show their worst side when they are dating. That's why people can date for 7 years and divorce after one week of marriage.
laRubiaBonita Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 i thought this was a great article on the subject of cohabitating..... http://www.usatoday.com/life/lifestyle/2005-07-17-cohabitation_x.htm
LoveLace Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 I think if 2 people want to live together, then live together. Marriage is either on their minds or it's not. But I would think living together first would be the best possible indication of how life would be with that person everyday. I'd think it would be the best way to see how the relationship functions under the pressure of sharing money and bills, etc. I would think it would be the best way to find out if you really want to be married to that person or not, and maybe the best way to find out if you want to be married, period. I know the stats say that marriages fail more with those who live together 1st....but my question is, are any of these findings backed with any reasons? Is it because they get sick of each other or what?
allina Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 http://www.usatoday.com/life/lifestyle/2005-07-17-cohabitation_x.htm Pretty interesting article. I like how it mentions people who live with one partner after another, something I think is a horrible idea. I know the stats say that marriages fail more with those who live together 1st....but my question is, are any of these findings backed with any reasons? Is it because they get sick of each other or what? Though there is no way to know for sure other studies on this study have a few ideas. The main one being that often people who do not believe in living together before marriage also do not believe in divorce for "moral" reasons, therefore they are more likely to stay married despite being unhappy. Personally I am in favor of living together before marriage, but I do not think the OP should make the move just yet. With the jealousy issues she is dealing with and her family not approving it would be a huge strain on the relationship.
Lost Student Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 Well, I cannot answer your question, but I can give you two different personal situations. I lived with both an ex-boyfriend in the past, and live with a current boyfriend now. The ex - I dated about 3-4 years in college prior to moving in together. At the time, we thought we had already been in a similar situation with sharing housing in college but I can tell you that moving in together is a very different situation. Sometimes, you think you know someone, but you can only see certain parts of a person's personality when actually living with them. In this case, a controlling and chauvinist side of my boyfriend emerged that I hadn't seen before. We ended up fighting miserably on an almost daily basis, and I moved out after only 6 months. In this case, we lived together without being engaged - my ex wanted to get engaged but I was against it because of the problems that emerged while living together. Eventually we broke up because I realized the relationship had no future if we could not live together. But this experience taught me a really valuable lesson in that sometimes you really need to live together first to really be able to judge a relationship and whether marriage would be a good option - I often think back and wonder what would have happened if I had gotten married to that man first without having realized the things that I saw when living together - things would have been horrible, and a marriage is so much more difficult to get out of than a live-in-relationship. But anyway, after that experience, I made a personal rule to first test out living together with that person before ever marrying. So anyway, on to my current situation - I again am living with a boyfriend. For almost about a year we had been in a situation where he stayed with me all the time, but still had his own place (which he paid rent on but never visited), finally about 3 months ago we decided to officially move in together and put his name on the lease. In this case, our relationship is really great. I have found that we work great as a team and can handle the daily household routines - all without any fighting. But yet - I find myself unhappy - why? Because despite the fact that everything is going fine my boyfriend doesn't show any indication that he things of getting married or even engaged, which I think is leading to a lot of build up resentment. In this case, I feel the need for some type of commitment, and I also find myself wondering if he'll never think of getting engaged/married since we already living together - in this regard I find myself wondering if living together was a mistake. I think my two experiences have taught me that 1) Living together is a must before getting married (at least in my case), but that 2) Make sure there is a serious level of commitment (already engaged or talking about getting engaged) beforehand if that is important to you, otherwise you may find yourself frustrated and unhappy
LoveLace Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 I agree loststudent. People can dramatically change when you live with them, not just when you marry them...so I would thinking living together 1st would be a good idea, to decide weather or not you can still be good lovers, roommates, and friends. I also agree that a couple shouldn't live together to more or less just combine their finances....because then one might wonder if their SO is really there because it's convenient, or because of YOU. The USA article said that to most men, living together is a step before true committment, but to women it's a step before marriage. So perhaps each person should be totally clear on what road they hope to go down eventually, before living together.
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