tell me it gets better

[ecrivaine]

Hi Everyone!

 

I will try to be brief...

 

I broke up with MM of 2.5 years on 8/12 and instituted NC on 8/30. The relationship started as a friendship that he pushed into a relationship. At first he was going to leave his W but that rhetoric ended about a month into the relationship. The relationship in general was bad for me. He'd never leave his house at night, never spend the night, etc. I'd only get to see him when he was at work or on days of the week that he had off. I could feel myself developing lower and lower self-esteem. After I articulated firmly that I wanted to leave, he attempted to get more freedom from W and she met him with the whole "I want a divorce" talk in Oct 06. He apparantly didn't believe her because in Dec 06 she wrote him a letter saying she wanted out. He was devastated and turned into a weeping, emotional mess for a couple months where he tried to "get her to work on things to repair the marriage." She wanted none of it and told her she was a lesbian now and was in love with her friend. So, W proceeded to spend the evenings, weekends, overnights, vacations with her lover. He maintained a strong feeling of anger towards lover, but not W. Eventually he got the hint and started spending the night with me, spending more time, emotionally developing, etc. And I really believed him when he said they were starting the divorce. I could feel him drifting back to her so I broke up with him on 8/12. A couple days after, she revealed that she broke up with her lover and was interested in being back with him. He told her about me and how long we were together. However, he started calling and texting her daily again, stopped speaking ill of her, and ended our sleepovers and evenings out "out of courtesy to her". That left me with no hope and started NC.

 

Right now, I am really, really sad and filled with anger. I know I was used. I know he'll never be done with her. I know he never truly loved me. I am sick to death at myself for staying in the situation and even though I dumped him, I feel like he has done nothing but reject me from day 1. It makes me so angry that I feel like he got away with it. He did all these bad things and he'll receive no punishment because he is back with her (what he always wanted I guess) and just views me as a psycho. What put him over the edge with me was him convincing himself that I was going to sleep with my ex-boyfriend, which I wasn't going to do. His anger is an issue for me and also the feeling that he thinks he does nothing wrong and that all his reactions and tactics are perfect.

 

Now, I have no desire to tell the W or exact revenge. I just need some reassurance and support that this anger will pass. If anyone has any practical suggestions, they would be much welcomed! I read "He's Just Not That Into You", "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken", "Will He Ever Leave Her for Me" and am currently on "How to Heal a Broken Heart in 30 Days."

 

Needless to say, all of the typical feelings are involved. Feeling rejected, unattractive, hopeless, relieved, excited for the future, angry, sad, etc.

 

Thanks for listening...

E

[ayn]

I'm sure that you must be very hurt. It sounds like you have a good assessment of the situation.

 

I have not talked with the OM since 7/24.. The first two weeks I thought I would die inside. It got easier, but still bad days. Now... I still have moments but am so glad that he is out of my life.

 

Advise? Let yourself grieve the loss, love yourself, be good to yourself. Know you will cry, know you will want to call him, know you will go back and forth between extreme anger and hurt, know you are not the only one who has gone through it and know that you can and will survive it!

 

Hope that helps.

[GreenEyedLady]

Wow...I'm really sorry that it turned out that way, but honestly, it's probably better for you...

 

Sounds like his W is going to become a lesbian when it suits her and come back to him when she feels like it...

 

And you're not a yo-yo...It hurts, but it will get better...I bet in time you'll feel like you dodged a bullet...

 

(((HUGS)))

[whichwayisup]

I know he never truly loved me

 

Why say that about it? Look at it like this. He did love you, but not enough to end it with his wife and give up everything for you. Obviously you meant something to him at some point in time, otherwise he wouldn't have bothered at all.

 

Make your own closure, seek counselling if you need to...Just don't turn this into something that makes you feel worse, your self esteem doesn't need that right now. You gotta build yourself back up and beating yourself UP isn't helping! Even tell yourself that you two met at the wrong time in life, and if he was single and available he'd be with you...But he isn't, he was married and it was completely inappropriate of him to have an affair with you in the first place.

[Tsuki no Michi]

This website is annoying in the fact that there are so many completely and utterly selfish "cries for help". Leave the readers' energy to read and help the people who actually need it.

 

People who hurt need support and tenderness, regardless the cause or who is at fault. What is needed is a little more compassion to one's fellow human and a lot less pointing fingers. The former helps people heal and perhaps learn from their mistakes. The latter serves only to punish and tear people down. I don't know about anyone else, but I would rather live in a world of compassion than one fixated on punishing offenders of some moral code. The only code I live by is one of love, and that includes those who hurt me. If you can't deal with that then you are not someone I would want around me in a time of need. I think being alone would be preferable, actually.

 

TNM

[smoochygirl]

ecrivaine Im sorry you feel this way. I think His wife will keep playing this game with him and he will come back with you as soon as he got a problem with his wife again, I hope this time don't let him in your heart. Do something that you will enjoy, like going out with friends and maybe when your ready starting dating another men, just go out and have fun, focus on yourself. You can never trust a MM when they are in the middle of D because there is always a possibility that he will get reconcile with his wife. Learn to love yourself first, if you are not attractive he wouldn't be with you in the first place.

[Jinnah]

Why are you putting all the blame on the OP and the H? What about the W? It looks like neither one was happy in the M...that's my point...

 

To me it sounded as if she did all of that after she found out what he did. It's a common reaction (when you hear a spouse is cheating) to behave in surprising ways.

 

If people are unhappy in a marriage, they need to get out, not cheat. Cheating hurts and it changes people.

 

My point is that you should never interfere in a marriage, but if you do anyway, don't get all butt-hurt when you don't get your way when they don't leave their spouse (most don't). LEARN YOUR LESSON.

 

Why can't people go get their own man/woman? Leave other people's spouses alone!

[GreenEyedLady]

I don't think it's that common that the spouse decides to become homosexual...That's something else entirely...

 

Maybe people's spouses shouldn't try to date other people...

[Tsuki no Michi]

Why can't people go get their own man/woman? Leave other people's spouses alone!

 

As I have learned, you sometimes cannot help who you love and denying love is a lot harder than you may think. I have also learned that it is entirely possible to love more than one person fully even though people would tell you you're only supposed to be with one. Affairs have been happening throughout human history. If falling in and out of love were intentional then I have no doubt there would be fewer affairs all around (and probably fewer hurt people). Just because it has not happened to you does not make you better than anyone else, it only makes you luckier (or not, depending on your point of view).

 

TNM

[smoochygirl]

As I have learned, you sometimes cannot help who you love and denying love is a lot harder than you may think. I have also learned that it is entirely possible to love more than one person fully even though people would tell you you're only supposed to be with one. Affairs have been happening throughout human history. If falling in and out of love were intentional then I have no doubt there would be fewer affairs all around (and probably fewer hurt people). Just because it has not happened to you does not make you better than anyone else, it only makes you luckier (or not, depending on your point of view).

 

TNM

 

I believe the OP is really a victim here, because her MM lead her on, He used her. She really thought her MM is getting a D.

But i disagree with affairs. If you are falling out of love with your spouses then you have to do the right thing, Divorce. Affairs is intentional, it didn't just happen. You have a choice. Its not like this person put a gun in your head and force you in an affair. There is no justification in having an affair. Like i said if someone fall out of love in their spouses and wants another person, they should get a divorce, it is unfair to have sex to another people without your spouse permission, It is rude and disgusting.

[broknhearted]

Hi Everyone!

 

 

 

Right now, I am really, really sad and filled with anger. I know I was used. I know he'll never be done with her. I know he never truly loved me. I am sick to death at myself for staying in the situation and even though I dumped him, I feel like he has done nothing but reject me from day 1. It makes me so angry that I feel like he got away with it. He did all these bad things and he'll receive no punishment because he is back with her (what he always wanted I guess) and just views me as a psycho. What put him over the edge with me was him convincing himself that I was going to sleep with my ex-boyfriend, which I wasn't going to do. His anger is an issue for me and also the feeling that he thinks he does nothing wrong and that all his reactions and tactics are perfect.

 

Now, I have no desire to tell the W or exact revenge. I just need some reassurance and support that this anger will pass. If anyone has any practical suggestions, they would be much welcomed! I read "He's Just Not That Into You", "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken", "Will He Ever Leave Her for Me" and am currently on "How to Heal a Broken Heart in 30 Days."

 

Needless to say, all of the typical feelings are involved. Feeling rejected, unattractive, hopeless, relieved, excited for the future, angry, sad, etc.

 

Thanks for listening...

E

 

 

sorry your so sad, <<HUGS>>, it'll get better, just be strong. you always wish they'd leave their spouses but, rarely do they. i haven't ended my A yet, i want to some days, some days i don't. i know, just like you do, that its for the best. you should be excited for the future! there's lots of single guys out there just waiting. don't let a bad experience ruin your chances of future happiness with another guy. it'll all work out for the best. good luck.

[Jinnah]

... She really thought her MM is getting a D.

But i disagree with affairs. If you are falling out of love with your spouses then you have to do the right thing, Divorce. Affairs is intentional, it didn't just happen. You have a choice. Its not like this person put a gun in your head and force you in an affair. There is no justification in having an affair. Like i said if someone fall out of love in their spouses and wants another person, they should get a divorce, it is unfair to have sex to another people without your spouse permission, It is rude and disgusting.

 

Yup, and this is the line lots of MM give (they're getting a divorce) and they never do... that's how lots of women get themselves in the situation. Smoochygirl, you are "right on" with what you said in this post.

[Jinnah]

As I have learned, you sometimes cannot help who you love and denying love is a lot harder than you may think. I have also learned that it is entirely possible to love more than one person fully even though people would tell you you're only supposed to be with one. Affairs have been happening throughout human history. If falling in and out of love were intentional then I have no doubt there would be fewer affairs all around (and probably fewer hurt people). Just because it has not happened to you does not make you better than anyone else, it only makes you luckier (or not, depending on your point of view).

 

TNM

 

This is an excuse for people with no self control... you are probably the type that shouldn't get married... with this point of view, you could really devastate a spouse.

 

P.S. Plus, you need to stop jumping to conclusions... I don't think I'm better than other people... that was so weirdly random... and way off the mark.

[whichwayisup]

you sometimes cannot help who you love and denying love is a lot harder than you may think.

 

But you DO have the choice NOT to let those feelings of love grow when the other person is married to someone else.

[Jinnah]

Woah, what happened to half the posts that were on this page?! Greeneyedlady andI said a lot more than what is on here...

[whichwayisup]

The mods probably editted and deleted posts that were against LS rules...

[Jinnah]

The mods probably editted and deleted posts that were against LS rules...

 

Hmm, I though we only said appropriate stuff...

[Jinnah]

I don't think it's that common that the spouse decides to become homosexual...That's something else entirely...

 

 

Completely true.

[ecrivaine]

Well, to clarify a couple points about the situation...

 

When we met, we were just friends. I was in a vulnerable place and felt safe that I finally had a guy friend who wouldn't try to pollute the friendship with sex. All was fine until he kissed me one day. My first reaction was to run, but I was attached to him as a friend. He then begged and begged and convinced me that he was going to leave her. He "planned" to move out in three weeks. Then, they had a fight and he freaked. He is definitely not into change in any form (in retrospect). He then articulated confusion and by then I was hooked and felt guilty that if I left I would be turning my back on someone who needed me.

 

So, I gave and gave and gave. I was committed and tried everything I could for us to work and not give up. Yes, this was a choice on my part, but you have to understand what it feels like to have dropping self-esteem and increasing depression. I honestly felt like I couldn't do better. When things were good, they were amazing. When they were bad, well, you can guess.

 

W started her affair before she knew anything about me and carried it on until right before I dumped him. So, she did not know about me until W and her lover broke up.

 

The worst part for me is realizing how naive I am in thinking that people are all inherently good and don't do things to purposely hurt others. Well, I was wrong. It killed me that I put so many years and so much effort to get our relationship to work and nothing came of it but heartbreak for me. I also wanted him to admit the things he did and he wouldn't. It was infuriating. So I am left wondering why he even bothered. Why, if his goal was to stay with W in comfort and routine (sans sex and love) then why did he bother with me? Why couldn't he put my feelings above his and end things with me when he knew he wasn't going to leave and it was hurting me? I wasn't strong enough to leave on my own.

 

I have been seeing a counselor and I can't wait to tell her about the breakup. Yesterday was really bad for me. A lot of crying and sadness and anger. I can't believe it is over. Just a couple days ago he was telling me how he wanted to decorate the nursery when we had a baby. And then to tell me that he was cutting back our contact "as a courtesy" to his wife. I mean, how can you really say that to someone? He came with me once to counseling and my counselor was incredulous at the hurtful things he said in front of me. Not only does he not know you shouldn't say certain things to people, but he refuses to admit he was anything than perfect because he was being "honest".

 

So, I feel like a random violence victim. I did nothing but love him, be there for him, support him, etc. And all he did was to continue to take advantage of me and use me. It really makes me lose faith in humanity. The pain is still intense and doesn't seem to be going away.

 

So, for Jinnah, I see your point and what you mean, but I did not entice him or chase after him. I didn't make him cheat. When I was married before, I had the opportunity when things were bad but I didn't. I chose to divorce my husband because I didn't think it was right to cheat on him. So, it would have been my fault and responsibility if I chose to cheat, not the OM's, especially had I been pursuing him. When one blames the OW, they absolve the MM of all responsibility. I don't agree with that, nor do I think most people do.

 

Hopefully tomorrow will be better. What I will say is that I have a lot of free time on my hands now! I am definitely eating better, not sleeping better, feeling lonely, but feeling hopeful that I will find someone who won't treat me poorly. And I feel optimistic that I won't allow anyone to treat me poorly again.

 

Thanks for listening...

E

[Tsuki no Michi]

This is an excuse for people with no self control... you are probably the type that shouldn't get married... with this point of view, you could really devastate a spouse.

 

P.S. Plus, you need to stop jumping to conclusions... I don't think I'm better than other people... that was so weirdly random... and way off the mark.

 

Not get married, eh? You don't know me very well at all then otherwise you'd know I don't endorse affairs at all. I just understand how they can happen even when we think we are immune. Saying someone doesn't have any self-control is IMO a "cop-out" for those who have never had to experience what it's like to accidentally fall in love with someone you're not supposed to. I also understand that no matter what causes someone to be hurt doesn't give anyone the right to jump in and basically tell them "so what, you deserved it" which is exactly what you did. That kind of response only serves to make someone hurt more than they are and I do not like, nor will I ever support people who do it. I apologize if you took offense at my comment, but while you may not think you are better than anyone else, telling others to suck it up, it's your own fault doesn't exactly come across as being very humble IMO.

 

Please note that I am referring only to those instances when the two people do actually love each other and not those relating to predators who lure others in intentionally and under false pretenses. While I personally believe I would not cheat on my spouse (I chose to divorce my now ex-wife for reasons unrelated to my current situation), I would not condemn her if she had an affair because I know usually the fault is probably not wholly with her. I would have to share the blame for perhaps neglecting her, not listening, or whatever and if she truly wanted our relationship to get better then I would do my best to work through it *with* her. In the end though if you truly love someone I think you would want them to be happy, even if that happiness meant not being with you. Wanting someone to stay when you know they aren't happy is a bit selfish IMO. Perhaps it is selfish of the spouse to want to leave, but why is it not also considered selfish to want them to stay? Random, yes. Sorry about that.

 

Regards,

 

TNM

[Jinnah]

Well, to clarify a couple points about the situation...

 

When we met, we were just friends. I was in a vulnerable place and felt safe that I finally had a guy friend who wouldn't try to pollute the friendship with sex. All was fine until he kissed me one day. My first reaction was to run, but I was attached to him as a friend. He then begged and begged and convinced me that he was going to leave her. He "planned" to move out in three weeks. Then, they had a fight and he freaked. He is definitely not into change in any form (in retrospect). He then articulated confusion and by then I was hooked and felt guilty that if I left I would be turning my back on someone who needed me.

 

So, I gave and gave and gave. ...

 

...W started her affair before she knew anything about me and carried it on until right before I dumped him. So, she did not know about me until W and her lover broke up...

 

...

 

...So, for Jinnah, I see your point and what you mean, but I did not entice him or chase after him. I didn't make him cheat. When I was married before, I had the opportunity when things were bad but I didn't. I chose to divorce my husband because I didn't think it was right to cheat on him. So, it would have been my fault and responsibility if I chose to cheat, not the OM's, especially had I been pursuing him. When one blames the OW, they absolve the MM of all responsibility. I don't agree with that, nor do I think most people do...

 

 

E

 

No, I don't absolve him of anything. He's horrible. I wish that you would realize that you deserve WAY better than this. You deserve to be treated right and have a relationship where you don't have to share the person with someone else. They sound like some really immoral people, and you should be glad that you found out now... before children came into the picture. Try your hardest to move on from this. Cheating MM ALWAYS claim that they are going to leave their wife, but they rarely do unless she leaves him. Take this as a lesson. What if his wife had been a decent woman and there were kids involved... would you want to be the person who hurt her (and the kids) that way? I can tell you wouldn't. You seem like you know what's right and what's not (choosing to not cheat on your ex when you could have)... just have confidence that YOU deserve only good things in your life and go for it!

 

Women need to have more self-esteem and stop going for these guys... they deserve it!

[Jinnah]

telling others to suck it up, it's your own fault doesn't exactly come across as being very humble IMO.

 

TNM

 

It wasn't put exactly like that...

 

I think that most people know the difference between right and wrong, and if you choose to do the wrong thing, expect the consequences! Does that make sense? Sure does. Even children are taught this from a very early age!

 

I said you shouldn't get married because you seem to think that it is so easy to "accidently" get into that type of situation (adultery), that you should probably just spare any woman who might meet you one day and possibly get into a relationship with you and end up regretting it because you "accidently" fall for her sister and can't control yourself.

[ecrivaine]

Hi Everyone,

 

I thought I'd give a quick update:

 

I've had a minor setback. After about 7 days, he re-established contact in his pathetic way. He forwarded me an email via work that had something to do with a world crisis. I didn't respond. He then instant messaged me and I'd only give one word answers. He asked if we could talk on the phone and I got offline. The next day he IMmed me again and I told him that unless it was work related, to not contact me at work. That afternoon he called me at home and wanted to come over because he had something to say.

 

He comes in looking like nothing ever went wrong. I stayed very neutral and I refused to hug him. He said that he missed me very much and that he decided that I was the one who he wanted to be with. So I asked him, "Have you moved out yet?" His answer was no. Then I asked him, "So why are you here talking to me if nothing has changed?" And then it was blah blah blah I feel a fundamental change in me, blah blah crap. I told him unless he performs an action like moving out, that nothing has changed and all he is doing is talking. He said he understood what it meant to be with me and listed off all of these things he needed to do. I didn't budge. Then he said he wanted to know where I was at emotionally. He was looking for a guarantee I guess. I told him I was not committing in either direction and that he has to decide the fate of his marriage independant of me. I told him I was not going back to the bad relationship and that it wasn't good enough for me anymore. He had to leave and then asked if I really threw his stuff away (I had threatened). I told him no but that he should take the box of crap with him. He was pretty taken aback at how I had put anything relating to him in it.

 

So Friday he contacted me and said he wanted to see me on my birthday (which is today). I told him I was seeing friends. He asked to join the group, which is a huge step because everyone hates him. I said ok that I would give it a chance. Saturday came and he made no mention of my birthday. Then his wife came home when we were on the phone and I could hear her. She sounded so chipper, happy and friendly. Is that the tone of a woman who is going through a divorce? So then he gets all whispery. For someone who is leaving their marriage, why would he care if his wife heard him on the phone? And yes, she supposedly knows something about my existence. I told him he was ridiculous and hung up.

 

I didn't hear back from him. We were all meeting at my place at 1100 today and around 1030 I got really angry and sent him a text saying that he should be ashamed that I planned him a huge surprise party for his birthday this year and that he can't even bother to show up on mine. He responded, "It's at 1100, right?" I took that to mean he was saying he hasn't not not shown up yet. I texted him that he never said he was coming, etc. He has bailed on me quite frequently and makes it a habit to do things like that on birthdays and holidays, etc. So, I was seeing the warning signs he was going to do it again. Well, he never responded back. So here comes the setback. I texted him several more times asking him why he was ok with making me cry on my birthday, etc. Nothing. I left two voicemails, nothing. He could have said I was mistaken, that he was still coming, etc. Nothing. I was horribly pained and crying. How am I back here again? How did I let the little smidge of hope creep in? So, I left a voicemail saying please to never contact me again.

 

As I got closer to the seventh day, I was feeling better about him being gone. I was actually feeling happier that he was out of the picture and that I had a new life ahead. Well, I guess the answer is that he is always going to lie to me and manipulate me. He's not going to leave her. He just wants to have his cake and eat it too. My best friend sent me a very supportive email and I feel a little better. I definitely don't feel as bad as I did at the start of the last NC, but I am having flashes of the pain intensity. I know my recovery will be easier this time.

 

I guess to me it is so sad to think that even though I put so much effort into making it work, it still failed. That no matter how many chances I give him, he always does the wrong thing.

 

I will get back on track in my new life tomorrow. I am committed to finding a man who will love me and treat me well.

 

Happy Birthday to me, and to all of you ladies (and OMs!) out there, my love and support to you!

 

Thanks,

E

[Jinnah]

Well, I guess the answer is that he is always going to lie to me and manipulate me. He's not going to leave her. He just wants to have his cake and eat it too.

 

This sums up most situations like this. I feel bad that you have such little confidence in yourself to go after a MM. Yes, you are playing this as well (calling, messaging, inviting him, etc.). You are better than this... realize it!

[RealityCheck]

I just need some reassurance and support that this anger will pass. If anyone has any practical suggestions, they would be much welcomed! I read "He's Just Not That Into You", "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken", "Will He Ever Leave Her for Me" and am currently on "How to Heal a Broken Heart in 30 Days."

 

Needless to say, all of the typical feelings are involved. Feeling rejected, unattractive, hopeless, relieved, excited for the future, angry, sad, etc.

 

Thanks for listening...

E

 

This will all pass. You had alot of time invested in the Affair. This does not go away in a blink of an eye. You will have to go through the all the motions that brought you to this point.

 

Trust yourself! It will get better and you will feel much better about yourself when you get there!

 

Keep busy!

 

Good luck!