zulu Posted September 3, 2007 Posted September 3, 2007 Hi everyone, this is my first post. I am facing a difficult decision and I need some unbiased opinions. I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this. My boyfriend and I have been together a little over a year, and up until now, I have been extremely happy. He absolutely adores me, and would do anything for me. I love him too, and respect him, and I know I shouldn't take his love for granted because I am extremely lucky to have found someone who loves me as much as he does, but I'm not sure he's the right person for me. I wasn't having any doubts until a few months ago. Suddenly we went from a normal, healthy young couple to an old, married couple that's lost the spark. We never have sex. When we do, I have to make the first move, and we end up having the same boring sex that just makes me more frustrated than I was before. I'm lucky if we have sex more than once a month, and I can't even remember the last time I enjoyed it. I have talked to him about it SERIOUSLY and told him how important it is to me, we've tried to come up with solutions, but it just isn't working. He isn't into it, and I'm getting more and more frustrated. My frustration over the lack of sex is starting to show up in other ways. I'm beginning to notice things about him that never bothered me before, and they're starting to drive me crazy. He has terrible time management skills. He spends TONS of time trying to get all of his work and errands done, so usually when we're together, we're trying to take care of things and finish projects, so we never relax and just enjoy our time together. I insisted that we go on a date last Friday night, and he was in "go-mode" the whole time instead of just relaxing and enjoying my company. We were at dinner, and I mentioned something about the loud woman next to us, and he said "I just want to eat and get to the movie, there is no use complaining about the people around us." Some date that was. We hardly go out together, we spend more time hanging out at home than anything. He travels a lot for work, so when he goes out of town, I spend a lot of time with my friends from work and have a blast. I have brought him along before, and he never has fun. I think he feels threatened by them because he sees how much fun I have when I'm with them and it bothers him. I try really hard to make him feel better, and invite him along with us and include him, but he doesn't really have anything in common with them. He also has a terrible internet addiction which really bothers me. He'll come over, I'm cooking dinner after working my butt off all day, and he plops himself down in front of my computer and ignores me. Drives me up the wall. I know I've just been listing the negatives, and that really isn't fair, because the positives outweigh the negatives. He is a wonderful guy, he treats me with respect, he loves me, and he wants things to work. He is always talking about plans for the future and we have talked about opening a business together. He is extremely smart and has great goals and I want things to work with him, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life with one person if that person can't satisfy me sexually. He has no desire to experiment and sex just isn't as important to him as it is to me. I don't know what to do. I love him, and I really, really, really don't want to break his heart. The thought of doing so really tears me up. I would miss him terribly, and I don't want to be unfair to him, but he isn't making an effort and we have discussed it numerous times. I know it's pointless to drag it on because I know I won't be happy in the long run. I can't stand the thought of never talking to him again though, and I don't know how we could possibly be friends if we broke up. I don't know what to do.
allina Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 I experienced similar doubts soon after passing the one year mark with my bf except it wasn't about sex. It was hard for me to admit as well but finally I broke down and posted about it here on LS. My issue was that for an entire year we had a perfect relationship, I couldn't believe how great it was. A bit after the one year mark a few tiny issues about my bf came up and I started to feel like maybe it wasn't meant to be since we weren't perfect 100% of the time. If you want to save your relationship I suggest trying to seriously talking to your bf about it. The first time I talked to my SO about issues I felt like he didn't take me seriously. I had to go back and make him understand that this was serious and that I loved him and needed for him to listen to me. Good luck.
Krytellan Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 By continuing this, you are signing your own "misery warrant". The sex won't magically become more frequent. I will come out and say that you have already gave the reasons why you need to end this relationship. No sex and you need it. He can't "connect" with you when you're together. You are transferring sex frsutration into other parts of the relationship. I think the only question is how much time are you going to waste before ending it?
sweetsexylove Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 You listed numerous reasons why this isnt working but you didnt mention if you talked to him about it. Thats the first thing, but when you do make sure you dont put the blame totally on him. Use the word "we" more than "you". Let him know that the lack of sex worries you and you dont want to become distant from eachother. All those negatives you listed are things your noticing because there is a very important part of our relationship missing. If you love him talk to him about it. But choose your words carefully, you dont want to make him close up even more.
Author zulu Posted September 4, 2007 Author Posted September 4, 2007 Thank you for all of your replies. I guess I forgot to mention that I have talked to him about my frustrations. He says he has every intention of working it out with me, but despite all of our talks, he hadn't really done anything...until last night. He came over and surprised me with flowers. We ate dinner, then went to bed, and actually had (very, very) satisfying sex. I am the one that initiated it and I took the lead as usual, but I figure if I want something to change, it will take two of us to fix it and instead of putting all of the responsibility on him, I need to step up. I don't mind taking the lead for now, I think I just need to make him feel comfortable enough to do it himself. I know he is experiencing some insecurities about sex, and I just need to be more patient. I'm not a terribly patient person, but I'm trying. I think I'd be stupid to let this one go. It will be a long time before I find anyone who values me and loves me as much as he does. I just need to work with him. Any relationship will have its problems, and if I run away at any little thing, I think I'll be doomed to a life of singledom.
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