BS web page

[annabelle75]

I got a comment on my web page from an old friend I hadn't talk to in a long time. She was a person I had known through the MM I had been involved with. It was a sweet message and I clicked onto her page to return the favor. In her top 8 I was surpirsed to see my exMM and his W. It caught me a little off guard. Out of curiosity I clicked on to his W's page. It really freaked me out. It looks like she just set up her page a few months ago and her quote is "The better woman always wins" and her song is Kelly Clarkson's Never Again.

 

Wow .... its been almost two years and I have long since moved on with my life. She obviously hasn't. It actually made me very sad for her. The reality of the situation was that I got the better end of the deal. I got to start over and move on to a better life. She is still with him.

 

Those familiar with my story know that I was not aware that my MM was married. He told me he was in the midst of a divorce (as I was at the time). When the truth came out alot of really messed up things happened that I don't feel the need to go over again, but I got treated very badly by everyone involved. In the end the BS absolved the MM of all guilt and promised him he could do anything he wanted if he stayed with her, including sleep with other women as long as he didn't get emotionally involved. (They eventually became swingers.) In her mind she turned me into the villan even though we were both victims of his lies. All she could see was that he tried to leave her for me, so I was the enemy.

 

Seeing her web page, just really hit me in the pit of my stomach. After so long, she is still festering over this. Her quote seems to me to say that she still hasn't placed all the blame where it belonged. I really do feel bad for her. I wonder if her life would be better if she had chosen to leave or had just let him go. Selfishly, I am glad she didn't. I know my life is so much better off without him. I deserved better than to be with a liar.

 

I guess I am just wondering if she regrets the choices she made. If she still hasn't let go after almost two years do you think she might realize that she didn't really win?

[GreenEyedLady]

I guess I am just wondering if she regrets the choices she made. If she still hasn't let go after almost two years do you think she might realize that she didn't really win?

 

Maybe she realizes WHAT won...And she's not happy with the prize...

[RealityCheck]

I guess I am just wondering if she regrets the choices she made. If she still hasn't let go after almost two years do you think she might realize that she didn't really win?

 

Annabelle you are so sweet.....

 

This is not a matter of winning and I do feel you know that. It is a matter of coming to a realization of "Who She Is". Nothing is without purpose.

 

Your compassion does not go without acknowlegement. You are special in your thoughts.

[corazoncito]

Based on how you described him and how it went down (I don't know your story), another possibility is that her page might not even be about you. Maybe he's been fooling around since and she "beat" some other woman.

 

Sounds like a really unfortunate situations and I'm glad you got out.

[annabelle75]

Maybe she realizes WHAT won...And she's not happy with the prize...

 

Exactly ... he was sooooooooooo not worth it.

 

She is 11 years older than he is. He was 17 and she was 28 when they first started dating. She had had a baby with her previous boyfriend and been abandoned by the father. She was raising a baby on her own and latched onto him. He was kind of geeky and never had a girlfriend before. They married when he was 20. I almost felt like she was desperate to not let another man leave her. She wasn't going to let it happen again.

 

Their realtionship had always been very controling. She was sort of a mothering figure to him becasue of his youth at first. As he got older he started trying to regain some idependence and she wasn't having any of that. I believe that is probably why he cheated on her with me. For him I think it was a desperate grab for freedom. He was feeling suffocated in the marriage. Instead of seeking some sort of couseling though he became a cheating jerk.

 

I've always wondered if some day she would regret the things she agreed to in order to get him to stay.

 

Is it wrong that I almost feel a little better knowing that all is not "roses an white picket fences" for them now? I really would like to be a bigger person, but they both really did alot of damage to my life. I felt like a casualty of their marital problems.

[annabelle75]

Annabelle you are so sweet.....

 

This is not a matter of winning and I do feel you know that. It is a matter of coming to a realization of "Who She Is". Nothing is without purpose.

 

Your compassion does not go without acknowlegement. You are special in your thoughts.

 

Thank you. With everything that happened its hard sometimes to muster sympathy but I am not without a heart. In some ways I understand her desperation. I think she had to make me the guilty party and transfer all he rage and anger to me inorder to excuse what her H did. With out absolving him of guilt she could never have lived with the concessions she made for him.

 

I hope some day she realizes he is not worth it.

[GreenEyedLady]

They married when he was 20. I almost felt like she was desperate to not let another man leave her. She wasn't going to let it happen again.

 

Their realtionship had always been very controling. She was sort of a mothering figure to him becasue of his youth at first. As he got older he started trying to regain some idependence and she wasn't having any of that. I believe that is probably why he cheated on her with me. For him I think it was a desperate grab for freedom. He was feeling suffocated in the marriage. Instead of seeking some sort of couseling though he became a cheating jerk.

 

I've always wondered if some day she would regret the things she agreed to in order to get him to stay.

 

Is it wrong that I almost feel a little better knowing that all is not "roses an white picket fences" for them now? I really would like to be a bigger person, but they both really did alot of damage to my life. I felt like a casualty of their marital problems.

 

He married too young...So many M's end when they begin at such a young age...

 

It isn't wrong to feel better, it's human...They put you through alot and it's only natural to feel that way...

 

And sometimes if a R doesn't last forever, it's seen as a failure...and that seems to be the way she is taking it...She doesn't want to fail again...

 

I, however, don't see R's that end as being about failure...I see it more like it ran it's natural course...

[annabelle75]

It isn't wrong to feel better, it's human...They put you through alot and it's only natural to feel that way...

 

Its strange. Even though knowing that they haven't danced off into the sunset together does make me feel alittle better about what happened, just reopening thos eold wounds has mad me pretty sad tonight. It isn;t that I wish I was still with him. Its more like I am remebering the feeling of total abandonment. gone be a long night.

[scaredinlove]

Based on how you described him and how it went down (I don't know your story), another possibility is that her page might not even be about you. Maybe he's been fooling around since and she "beat" some other woman.

 

Sounds like a really unfortunate situations and I'm glad you got out.

 

Anabelle corazoncito has a good poit here. That quote could be for all the woman he slept with and she feels since he is with her she is the better on.

 

It sucks to be her.......

 

As for you don't dwell on that too much, maybe sj=he is happy that way. You are weet person and caring too. Just move on and forget abput her.

 

It all about choices, yopu choose to move on, she chose to get deeper on her trap. She propably thinks she is all that ,so don't worry.

 

 

(((hugs)))))))

[RealityCheck]

Thank you. With everything that happened its hard sometimes to muster sympathy but I am not without a heart. In some ways I understand her desperation. I think she had to make me the guilty party and transfer all he rage and anger to me inorder to excuse what her H did. With out absolving him of guilt she could never have lived with the concessions she made for him.

 

I hope some day she realizes he is not worth it.

 

BANG ON!

 

It is easier to fault the OW because it pacifies the actual pain she feels towards the H. There is too much pain to come to the realization that a Man who made a vow has deceived.

 

I know this, because I have been there! I did not fault the OW. I just could not! She did not stand with me in vow commitment. My H did. He should have known better. I really, really trusted him. He betrayed that trust, and I could never get it back.

[GreenEyedLady]

Its more like I am remebering the feeling of total abandonment. gone be a long night.

 

I'm not sure what to say...Except that you were able to take that feeling and turn it into strength and pride...and you are here, after enduring such pain and heartache to help others...that is admirable...

 

Sometimes it's good that we reflect on the past...It reminds us where we have been and how far we have come...

 

(((HUGS)))

[annabelle75]

I'm not sure what to say...Except that you were able to take that feeling and turn it into strength and pride...and you are here, after enduring such pain and heartache to help others...that is admirable...

 

Sometimes it's good that we reflect on the past...It reminds us where we have been and how far we have come...

 

(((HUGS)))

 

Thanks. I really am OK with it all now, but sometimes it sneaks up on me. I lost alot when it all happeend, including people who thought were my friends. My life changed in drastic ways. I'm better off now, but at the time it felt like the world was ending. I never want to feel that way again.

[OpenBook]

Those familiar with my story know that I was not aware that my MM was married. He told me he was in the midst of a divorce (as I was at the time). When the truth came out alot of really messed up things happened that I don't feel the need to go over again, but I got treated very badly by everyone involved. In the end the BS absolved the MM of all guilt and promised him he could do anything he wanted if he stayed with her, including sleep with other women as long as he didn't get emotionally involved. (They eventually became swingers.) In her mind she turned me into the villan even though we were both victims of his lies. All she could see was that he tried to leave her for me, so I was the enemy.

 

I guess I am just wondering if she regrets the choices she made. If she still hasn't let go after almost two years do you think she might realize that she didn't really win?

 

Their realtionship had always been very controling. She was sort of a mothering figure to him becasue of his youth at first. As he got older he started trying to regain some idependence and she wasn't having any of that. I believe that is probably why he cheated on her with me. For him I think it was a desperate grab for freedom. He was feeling suffocated in the marriage.

 

I think she had to make me the guilty party and transfer all he rage and anger to me inorder to excuse what her H did. With out absolving him of guilt she could never have lived with the concessions she made for him.

 

Its strange. Even though knowing that they haven't danced off into the sunset together does make me feel alittle better about what happened, just reopening thos eold wounds has mad me pretty sad tonight. It isn;t that I wish I was still with him. Its more like I am remebering the feeling of total abandonment. gone be a long night.

 

I lost alot when it all happeend, including people who thought were my friends. My life changed in drastic ways. I'm better off now, but at the time it felt like the world was ending. I never want to feel that way again.

 

Annabelle, I think the W's page - and the heat you took from the whole crazy bunch after the A was over - says a lot more about them than it does about you.

 

Sheesh, what a sick, sick situation. You were very lucky to get out of it.

 

I would definitely agree that it was an empty victory for her. If she were truly happy, she wouldn't have the time nor the inclination to "crow" about it on myspace. She is trying to prove something to herself.

 

This is not your problem. (Thank God!)

[LucreziaBorgia]

I'm not surprised that she isn't over it.

 

Being cheated on is a lot different than being dumped by your boyfriend. When you get dumped, you pick up and you move on - you have a wound, and it heals over, scars over and fades. When you get cheated on, its like having emotional herpes on your heart. When you least expect it, it flares up in the form of 'triggers' just as painfully as it did when you found out. If you stay with the cheater, it will always be this way. Always. She isn't quite moving on, because when you are cheated on you never quite heal. Just like medical herpes, emotional herpes is something for which there is no cure. You only live between flare ups, hoping to minimize the times they happen and the minimize the pain when they do.

 

So... yes, in a sense you are the lucky one. You moved on. You healed. She is stuck with what she has for as long as she stays with him, and she knows it. I expect on some level she envies you for moving on with your life and being happy, while she will have this incurable pain which will come and go: but most importantly always be festering dormant there in her heart.

[annabelle75]

I'm not surprised that she isn't over it.

 

Being cheated on is a lot different than being dumped by your boyfriend. When you get dumped, you pick up and you move on - you have a wound, and it heals over, scars over and fades. When you get cheated on, its like having emotional herpes on your heart. When you least expect it, it flares up in the form of 'triggers' just as painfully as it did when you found out. If you stay with the cheater, it will always be this way. Always. She isn't quite moving on, because when you are cheated on you never quite heal. Just like medical herpes, emotional herpes is something for which there is no cure. You only live between flare ups, hoping to minimize the times they happen and the minimize the pain when they do.

 

So... yes, in a sense you are the lucky one. You moved on. You healed. She is stuck with what she has for as long as she stays with him, and she knows it. I expect on some level she envies you for moving on with your life and being happy, while she will have this incurable pain which will come and go: but most importantly always be festering dormant there in her heart.

 

I agree with that. I know this is something she will always feel pain for. I guess the difference between her and I was when my ex-H cheated on me I left and started over. If I were still with him I am sure the hurt would be festering more and more each day. I guess I kind of am the lucky one. Even though ending my marriage was painful and hear breaking, it was the only thing I could do if I ever wanted to really be happy again.

[bunset]

I'm not surprised that she isn't over it.

 

Being cheated on is a lot different than being dumped by your boyfriend. When you get dumped, you pick up and you move on - you have a wound, and it heals over, scars over and fades. When you get cheated on, its like having emotional herpes on your heart. When you least expect it, it flares up in the form of 'triggers' just as painfully as it did when you found out. If you stay with the cheater, it will always be this way. Always. She isn't quite moving on, because when you are cheated on you never quite heal. Just like medical herpes, emotional herpes is something for which there is no cure. You only live between flare ups, hoping to minimize the times they happen and the minimize the pain when they do.

 

So... yes, in a sense you are the lucky one. You moved on. You healed. She is stuck with what she has for as long as she stays with him, and she knows it. I expect on some level she envies you for moving on with your life and being happy, while she will have this incurable pain which will come and go: but most importantly always be festering dormant there in her heart.

That's heartbreaking.

Why does ANY hurt have to fester and flare?

Don't we have a choice as to how we deal with pain? Aren't we truly responsible for our pain, just as we're responsible for our own happiness.

To 'blame' someone else for our happiness means without them we cannot be happy, right?

Conversely, if we attribute our pain to someone, then we cannot be happy with them.

 

I is my understanding that all methods of modern psychotherapy emphasize personal responsibility and control of our actions, and training to control actions that may be countered by emotion.

 

A true shame when anyone allows another to control or be responsible for ones' own happiness, especially if in the 'controller's' presence.

 

That would also mean that each of us can take 'credit' for a loved one's depression or mental illness.

I'd prefer to be more capable that that BS of managing my own fate, and not rely on the influence of others, but I know it take intention and practice.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

I'm not surprised that she isn't over it.

 

Being cheated on is a lot different than being dumped by your boyfriend. When you get dumped, you pick up and you move on - you have a wound, and it heals over, scars over and fades. When you get cheated on, its like having emotional herpes on your heart. When you least expect it, it flares up in the form of 'triggers' just as painfully as it did when you found out. If you stay with the cheater, it will always be this way. Always. She isn't quite moving on, because when you are cheated on you never quite heal. Just like medical herpes, emotional herpes is something for which there is no cure. You only live between flare ups, hoping to minimize the times they happen and the minimize the pain when they do.

 

So... yes, in a sense you are the lucky one. You moved on. You healed. She is stuck with what she has for as long as she stays with him, and she knows it. I expect on some level she envies you for moving on with your life and being happy, while she will have this incurable pain which will come and go: but most importantly always be festering dormant there in her heart.

 

That really hit home with me LB, great analogy.

 

Annabelle, it may be easier for the W to keep on "fooling" herself into thinking of victory, even when the prize was her H and an open M (in my mind, no real victory there, just the ability to turn round a horrible situation and control it by naming it swinging).

 

It must have been a shock to see that on her myspace, a bit like an old war hero who's still mentioning the war even though no-one really remembers the war he is talking about. She sounds pretty lost - at least you have the strength and the understanding to question, analyse and move on.

 

Chin up and hugs ((()))

[luvmy2ns]

Annabelle, it may be easier for the W to keep on "fooling" herself into thinking of victory, even when the prize was her H and an open M (in my mind, no real victory there, just the ability to turn round a horrible situation and control it by naming it swinging).

 

My thoughts exactly! What kind of prize is that? To cave in on an aspect of a relationship that is way too important for most to disregard just to keep your partner would be considered a loss in my book.

[annabelle75]

My thoughts exactly! What kind of prize is that? To cave in on an aspect of a relationship that is way too important for most to disregard just to keep your partner would be considered a loss in my book.

 

She caved in on a lot more than that. He also has a drinking problem that she was always naggin him about (I did too). She agreed to no longer bother him about it if he stayed. He lives a very public life, so I hear about them all the time and from what I hear he is always intoxicated now. He actually jokes around about being a alcoholic and thinks its "a part of his charm."

 

She's gone from trying to control every aspect of his life to now allowing him to do whatever he wants as long as he doesn't leave her. It makes me really sad. Even though I was just as victimized by this man as she has been, I still feel guilt that his relationship with me has driven her to this. People tell me I shouldn't feel any guilt over it, but I find it hard not to. He used me as leverage to get her to do what he wanted. Its just wrong.

 

I think alot of my frustration with BSes comes from what I have seen this woman become. I just want to scream at her and tell her to pick herself up and have a little self respect. No person should live like that. Why has she allowed herself to become this person? At some point she should have put her foot down and taken control of her life. How can some one be so needy and have so littel respect for themselves that they would make these kind of concessions to stay in a marriage? She's better than that. Why let this man destroy what is good in her?

 

Oh well, I think I've revisted this enough. All I can really do is be greatful that my life is no longer a part of this mess and maybe say the occasional prayer for their family.

[Lyssa]

Oh well, I think I've revisted this enough. All I can really do is be greatful that my life is no longer a part of this mess and maybe say the occasional prayer for their family.

 

Yes, Annabelle.. you have revisited enough!! You're a much bigger person and you should know that you're better off now!

[Impudent Oyster]

I've always wondered if some day she would regret the things she agreed to in order to get him to stay.

.

 

Of course she's not "over it", it's only been less than two years! Quit worrying about her regrets, both she and her husband are exactly where they want to be.

 

I don't think you're over it either though. You seem to spend a LOT of time dwelling on a relationship that you've supposedly moved on from.

[Impudent Oyster]

I think alot of my frustration with BSes comes from what I have seen this woman become. I just want to scream at her and tell her to pick herself up and have a little self respect. No person should live like that. Why has she allowed herself to become this person? At some point she should have put her foot down and taken control of her life. How can some one be so needy and have so littel respect for themselves that they would make these kind of concessions to stay in a marriage? She's better than that. Why let this man destroy what is good in her?

.

 

Again, why do you care? Your EXMM's wife and marriage is none of your business, it never was.

[annabelle75]

Again, why do you care? Your EXMM's wife and marriage is none of your business, it never was.

 

It became my business when they dragged me into the middle of it. And when I say "they" I do mean both of them. Once the truth came out her actions put her as much at fault for how I was treated as he was. No one forced her to do to me what she did.

 

Are you so bitter about your own husbands betrayal, you can't even allow me to show genuine sympathy and compassion for the BS in my situation? I think your repsonses shows more about your sitaution than mine.

[luvmy2ns]

I think alot of my frustration with BSes comes from what I have seen this woman become. I just want to scream at her and tell her to pick herself up and have a little self respect. No person should live like that. Why has she allowed herself to become this person? At some point she should have put her foot down and taken control of her life. How can some one be so needy and have so littel respect for themselves that they would make these kind of concessions to stay in a marriage? She's better than that. Why let this man destroy what is good in her?

 

But, you see, this is what I think of OW/OM much of the time. Some of these people hang onto what they view as a "relationship" when it's only "a little on the side" to the married person regardless of how a MM or MW might try to make it appear, all the while keeping everything very secret. It truly pisses me off that someone of my gender would be so easily duped by a man who tells them they plan to leave their wife and is allowed to keep stringing them along for sometimes years. A woman should know better than to give in like that; they need to gain a modicum of self respect, no matter which side of the betrayal they're on.

[annabelle75]

But, you see, this is what I think of OW/OM much of the time. Some of these people hang onto what they view as a "relationship" when it's only "a little on the side" to the married person regardless of how a MM or MW might try to make it appear, all the while keeping everything very secret. It truly pisses me off that someone of my gender would be so easily duped by a man who tells them they plan to leave their wife and is allowed to keep stringing them along for sometimes years. A woman should know better than to give in like that; they need to gain a modicum of self respect, no matter which side of the betrayal they're on.

 

I agree with you. But sometimes you really have to look at each situation individually to see who is being the bigger fool. Is it the BS that will "do anything" even if it means sacrificing her dignity and values to keep the cheater or is it the OW that believes every word the cheater says and hangs on even though its obvious to everyone else he will never leave his wife.? Or is the MM the only real fool for screwing up a good marriage just to have some fun on the side?

 

You can't really throw a blanket assumption on every situation. In my case I think the BS made a foolish choice and I really do feel for her to a certain extent. I know some day she will regret it, if she doesn't already. It makes me sad to think how desperate she must have felt in order to agree to the things she agreed to.