I don't like what I'm Thinking

[highsierra]

So straight to the short and skinny.. This girl who I've been seeing on and off for a little over four months confuses the hell out of me. It's almost been over a month and a half since we've seen each other in person (live over an hour apart, she has a new job and just finished college, several functions on the past few weekends (family and weddings events), yada yada....I too am a pretty busy person having to work 60+ hour weeks over 6 days, which is slowing down now to normal work schedule).... She would call everyday on the phone to say the normal stuff (goodday, how ya doing etc, but we rarely would get into long deep conversations....so rather mundane phone convo....which in some ways is okay with me because I prefer having deep, real conversation in person)....She'ld always text me (at least once a day) with cute texts like "thinking of you" "Miss you to pieces" "You're always on my mind" etc... The past couple weeks I've been getting a little fustruated with her not being able to make time to see me because I find it hard she's busy 24/7, and some of the things she says she's doing really make me feel like I'm not too high on the priority list. (I know this is how it works for guys...no matter how busy we are, If we are into someone, we'll find time to see them)... So last week, I told her it's just not fair to me to have her calling all the time, yet not being able to meet up face to face....She fully agreed and felt the same way, saying it was difficult for her too, and felt that soon she'ld have the time to put into what could be an incredible relationship (then in the next sentence it was like, nextweekend I'm bust with this, and the weekend after that I've got this to go to)... As far as what we're looking for, we've had the talk and are on the same page there for sure (we both want a serious LT thing)....Then She also goes on to say she's never met anyone like me and never felt such an incredible attraction and seen such a serious potential (and that feeling is mutual with me too).....

 

Now I'm really at a loss as what to do with this....I miss her like crazy, and some days (like once a week) I really get in a funk about it (like now)....But then there are other days where I really kind of see a different light, and can feel that we've moved apart, and that her actions seem to speak alot louder than her words (the excuses seem to be a little to frequent), and maybe she's just stinging me along for someone to call and lean on (I asked her this too, and she very animately said she certainly wouldn't waste my time or even play games to that....And I really want to believe her, especially since we've know each other for some time, and I really don't think she's either a vengeful or hurtful person, and without a doubt, I'd consider her a very truthful person)....But my god it just wreaks havoc on me about what to do......

 

I don't want to be confrontational and say "next weekend you find time to see me or don't call me again till you can find time" because that is going to bring nothing good (if there is really even a chance for this to go somewhere), but at the same time, I don't think I can wait much longer.....that just is killing me emotionally at times..... So what to say? how to say it? Say anything? Be distant and prepare for the worse and hope for the best? (I've kind of had that mentality for most the week, but today I really got to thinking, and I don't want to see an end, even though that seems (via her actions not her words) to be where it could be going)....

 

I just don't know

 

edit-- Now after a little more thinking and some advice given here.... Another way to proceed is to let the phone go to voicemail and call back latter....try not to (or don't) respond to text messages, really see if she truly does miss me and realize she was taking me for granted (kind of a take it or leave it attitude).....Basicly try and get rid of any sense of neediness on my part (which I'm sure may come across just because of how much I like her and see an incredible potential...really the first woman out of several I've been emotionally close with that I've felt this way).... Seems like this may be the way to go.... But that's why I post here.....opinions!!

 

thanks for reading!....and what do you know....here's a text from her asking how my weekend was.... I don't even know if I should respond....I'm obviously not into games, hell I don't even know how to play...it's hard to shoot a response, but I'm sitting on my hands right now!

[amber1]

Hmmm, maybe she is seeing someone else and has you on the side in case it falls through? It seems really weird that she is too busy every weekend for you. The bottom line is, if someone really likes/loves you, then they MAKE time to see you. They set time aside in their schedule for you. I would probably get out of this relationship if I were you and find someone who will.

[highsierra]

I'm fairly certain she's not dating anyone else on the side just from things I know.... I don't think she could do that....but ya never know..... That's a hard question to ask too (would you ask that question you're not exclusive?? ie. haven't had that talk)

[mental_traveller]

I'll say two things: firstly, I think you should give her the benefit of the doubt for now. Her behaviour is consistent with the reasons she's given you, even though it is causing you some problems that doesn't mean she's necessarily having doubts about you. If there is something iffy going on, you will find out soon anyway; whereas if you become overly suspicious or paranoid, you could ruin what would otherwise be a potentially great relationship. I think it's worth taking the risk of trusting her for now - you can trust without being a doormat. Secondly, it won't hurt to pull back a bit, and stop thinking about her quite so much. This will have the benefit of putting your head & heart on a more even keel, as well as giving her a subtle hint that she'll have to put in more effort to keep your attention. Try to focus more on other things in your life - work, hobbies, friends, socialising etc. Take her off your mind a little.

 

So - stop worrying so much, play it more cool, and back off a little. See how she reacts, and keep us updated.

[nittygritty]

I think that you should be able to date other women if she is never available to see you. It is silly for you to keep waiting for her to free her schedule up enough to make time to be with you.

 

She can make plans for everything else in her life and spending time with you is not anywhere near the top of her priority list.

 

Since you don't want to end the relationship at this time, then I would have a serious talk with her and tell her that you really like her and miss her but that because she doesn't really have time for a serious relationship that you would prefer to keep it casual for now and that you both should be free to go out with other people. She will either agree or disagree.

 

Right now, she is calling all of the shots and your just waiting in hopes of change. Speak up and make the change yourself. If your relationship with her is important she will make the time to see you. If she can't, then you shouldn't be limiting yourself to just dating her.

[highsierra]

Thanks for the advice.....

 

It's tough as hell to keep her out of my mind.....But I certainly will try.

 

As for dating others....I'm certainly not turning anyone down for dates.... but lately due to my lack of a social life (due to me working way too many hours, and having come to the conclusion that the chances of meeting anyone that's not just a fling (from the bar scene), finding dates is tough (I also live in a small town to boot, so It's not nearly as easy as those of you who live in big cities (or even medium sized cities).... Hence internet dating.... which moves rather slowly to say the least....

 

 

I'll just do my best to back off....but should I bring any of this stuff up (from the original post) or just stay elusive and not let on to how tweaked I'm feeling about the whole thing (she knows I miss her, and she knows I want to see her, so that's all a known...but should I keep letting her know that or tame back on that too???)

 

I kinda think that's the way to proceed, hard as it is (I've been feeling twisted about this now for the past 3 days)

 

 

One more thing.... Should I just take the backseat as well in asking her to meet up for a date (basicly wait till she says we should go out for dinner etc. instead of me asking her to go out? )

[highsierra]

Damn, I'm still mulling this over.... Seriously women can drive a man nuts....especially when you see such a great thing....I mean she's the kind of woman I could marry and be the mother of my children (and god no she doesn't know that)

 

So after talking to her on the phone this morning (It had been a few days), I still hear allot of attraction towards me in her voice....yet still quite flaky on putting those words into action.

 

Now though, I really do want to bring it to her attention that this not seeing each other because of being busy is not going to work any longer for me....It's just starting to hurt too much (at the end of this week it'll have been a month since she got out of school and started her new job....and nearly 6 weeks since we last saw each other.)...So I'll stay distant yet not totally ignore her this week (this will be the second week of that), and if it's more excuses on not having time (I know when people have that feeling for someone else they can MAKE the time), then I'm going to have to lay it out and have a serious conversation about where we stand)

 

As much as I want to do this tonight..... This may not be the best thing to do as it may very well spell the end, which obviously I don't want (read the first sentence of this post again)....but I think it needs to be done, and not in a few more weeks.

 

Not to mention more time to hear some advice from level headed people before I do something that could be stupid (delivery is everything!).

[highsierra]

Well, here's an update... Pretty much went all week just playing phone tag over a couple of days (seems like she was playing the same stupid game).... Nonetheless, early in the week she started texting how much she wanted some time with me....and a couple I miss you's. Then she said she thought her family would be leaving town sunday morning so we could catch lunch and hang out in the afternoon (that's today)....well, after talking this morning, she said they weren't leaving till latter in the afternoon, so we wouldn't be able to see each other (I pretty much expected it after the past few weeks)...pretty much said I was bummed I was going to get to see her but to have a great day with the relatives and to give me a call tonight if she wanted to talk....

 

So I just got off the phone a little while ago with her...Pretty much had been preparing myself all week to lay it all out there and hope for the best.

 

I let her know how bummed I was since it was really getting hard not ever seeing her , and how I felt things could be going in the wrong direction because of this, and really dread seeing that happen.... I asked her about how she felt about me, and if she thought her feelings where as strong as she thought mine are (She said absolutely, and from some of the stuff I said about what I see in us she knows how strongly I feel)... I also let her know that the way it is now, isn't working for me, and that at times it hurts too much.....I think she got the message, and I think I delivered it in a really good way (obviously not how it's all typed out)...but quite gently and non threatening (well relatively)....She really said she had no answers about not finding time for me (I talked about that too, pointing out it's not me that can't find the time or cancels) and what she wants to see or thinks is going to happen, and I pretty much told her I didn't even want any answers tonight, and that I just wanted her to think about it all.... It all ended on a very friendly note and she seemed pretty receptive.... I think.

 

 

So we'll see what all happens now....Maybe she is just way too busy and way too tired all the time (she did say she hasn't seen any of her friends in the well over the past month a couple of which have just had kids, and that she always exhausted)....So at least I can feel for certain that I'm not the backup plan in her dating scene.... Hopefully I started a new beginning and not the beginning of the end.

[norajane]

You live an hour apart and you haven't seen each other in six weeks?

 

It takes me an hour to drive to work during rush hour every day, sometimes more. Regardless of how busy she is, there's no reason the two of you can't meet during the week, or on the weekends.

 

If she has family in town or whatever, what is stopping her from inviting you over for brunch with her family? What stopped her from inviting you to all those graduation parties and functions? What stopped her from inviting you to go to the wedding with her as her date? If she's so exhausted, what's stopping her from inviting you over for dinner one night and you can order pizza and watch movies?

 

She's telling you that in six weeks, she couldn't find one single day for the two of you to see each other?

 

I'm glad you spoke to her about it, because that's just not right. You are not anywhere near being a priority for her. When people are busy, the only way they can fit in what they WANT to do is to schedule it in and then plan other things around it. You know how that works: you plan for a night together on Friday, and then she blocks that out on her calendar and plans her other stuff around Friday night. It's not that complicated.

 

She doesn't want to do that, though, especially since she cancels. That means she doesn't plan around you - she is willing to sacrifice your time together for pretty much everything else that comes up.

 

At this point, if she doesn't start planning time with you, then you know that you really don't have a relationship. If you see she isn't changing her behavior, then you know what you have to do...walk away. If you are important enough to her, she'll make time for you.

[highsierra]

Thanks NoraJane... It certainly sucks to say the least, but hopefully this will change things...Time for her to put words into action.