shadowplay Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 I know this is long, but please read it because I tried to only include relevant things. I feel numb more than anything. Things were going great last night. I saw my boyfriend for the first time in a week (he's living in NY now and I'm still in Boston). We've been together for 2 1/2 months. I was so elated to see him and we had a romantic evening and great sex. But he dropped a bomb in the wee hours of the morning. This during the first really serious discussion we've ever had. It started when he said I was a little hard to read at times. I said so was he. Then we talked about how guarded he was. He said he thinks it's because his family is so messed up (his mother is bipolar), that he would be just miserable all the time if he allowed himself to feel. I said that I wanted to get him out of his shell and set him free. He wasn't convinced this was a good idea. What "skills" would he acquire that he doesn't have now? What was there to gain? I said there's a depth of emotion you can't experience if you're in a shell. He didn't seem to understand what I was getting at. Then he said something out of the blue, and this was what devestated me. He mused outloud "I wonder if I'll ever fall in love with anyone." He said it just like that, like it was nothing, just a curious thought. I lay there frozen in disbelief. The clear implication was he didn't love me and may never be able to. Keep in mind our relationship hasn't been some light-hearted fling. We've made it clear that we are exclusive and pretty serious. What's more, why on earth would somebody say something so insensitive and inappropriate? It was as if I was ust some stranger in a bar he was musing about his life to over a cold beer. And when I said his words stung he didn't seem to understand why. I can't believe that just three weeks ago he sent me two ardent emails saying he was being flooded with a torrent of emotions for me, he was crazy about me, fighting his feelings of desire...etc. (this, before we had sex) He went on in the email to say he was a bit scared and always treads very carefully when he senses "love is afoot." As we lay in bed last night I asked him what he was thinking. And he said "it's complicated": he's wondering if he's on the verge of falling in love with me but it takes time for him to let his guard down and feel comfortable being close to somebody. In high school he fell head over heels for two girls and has vowed since never to pine away again. Then he blurted out "I guess the short answer is yes." "Yes to what?" I asked, fishing for the words. He refused to answer and said it was too embarrassing and finally said "I was just considering whether I'm falling in love with you." We talked for a few more minutes but he seemed distant. Not cold, but definitely remote. He talked about everything in such a light-hearted, detached tone as though describing an amusing character in a story instead of himself. For the first time his carefree demeanor, which I once found endearing, disturbed me. I wanted so badly to break through it, to get through to him, to unearth some real emotions and share a genuine moment of closeness. I began to even wish he was flat out cold because then at least I would have a strong emotion to push against. But how do you get through to somebody who turns everything into a joke or nonchalant observation? Have you ever been really upset or angry at somebody and had them just laugh at you? It's the worst feeling possible, because at least if somebody yells back you know you have the power to make them care. This is akin to helplessness I experienced with him last night. I did everything I could to express my feelings without words, because words are dangerous. I stroked his face and his hair, peered into his eyes, searching for some inlet into his soul. But I couldn't get through. He simply said "you're so sweet." It was torture as I realized my heart and head were at odds. I longed to get through to him directly by showing him my affection, yet I knew intellectually this would simply push him away farther. I just wanted to be myself for once and not play games. For once I wanted it to be as easy and direct as that. Before I fell asleep he asked me what I was thinking and I said I was sad. He didn't answer and fell asleep. All night I had dreams of him. He was continually reaching for me, stroking my hair, holding me tight to his body. I felt close to him with an intensity and unshakeability I've never experienced. Yet it was bittersweet because I kept halfwaking and realizing his arm wasn't there and then falling asleep again only to be tricked once more. At one point I cried out in the middle of some nightmare and he said "what's wrong?", hugged me and put a pillow under my head, telling me to just lie there and be calm. Then I woke up and realized it had all been a dream and he hadn't comforted me at all, nor had I made an audible noise. I slipped back into some disturbed dream and actually did cry out by accident this time. "What's up?" he said. "Nothing, just a nightmare," I answered. He went back to sleep. Later this morning I told him that I was still hurt about what he said last night and he apologized. I said I didn't think I could be in a relationship with no emotional component. He said there was a emotional component but the emotion just wasn't at its "final destination" yet. He said "I do enjoy spending time with you," in his usual detached language. He said maybe it's just his low self esteem but he's still in a state of surpise. He isn't used to being with such a "wonderful person" who is actually interested in him, who is so "insightful" and has so much in common with him, and he is partly adjusting himself to that. He said that he did miss me a great deal the six days while he was away last week. I said I feared that something about me comes up short, and he said "no, you're the smartest, most beautiful, sweetest, nicest" person he's met in a long time and reemphasized how rare it was for him to find someone who thinks in the same way as he. He asked me not to assume that he could never reach to that level of closeness. We went out to a cafe for lunch and he was a bit remote, less affectionate then usual. Then I asked him to drop me off at home. As he drove me home I obsessed over every small gesture I made. I searched for a way to act, carry myself that would make me more desirable to him. I was convinced it was some defect in my natural demeanor that failed to stir his affection. I rearranged my hair in the rearview mirror, feigned aloofness, stroked his head to show my affection. When nothing worked I finally gave up and went numb. He dropped me off at my house and asked me if he could see me again tonight. I was noncommittal and asked him to call back in a few hours. Now I recall all his signs of affection with confusion. The way he kissed me tenderly at red lights, the way he would smile with pleasure just holding me, barely contained excitement, or so it seemed. The way he always reached for my hand when we were out together and I trailed behind him on the sidewalk. All that I interpreted as love. How could I have been so wrong? How could my eyes have deceived me? If that wasn't love, then I don't know what is. Honestly...And I've been fooled before. Was it all just sex and nothing more? I think about how sad it is that I can never experience real, reciprocal love. One moment of closeness. In the past when I thought I had shared those moments with another person they later invalidated them by saying they hadn't felt the same way. Is it possible to actually be close to somebody who's present, who's there, who loves you too, in the moment? Can people only love somebody who's absent or doesn't return their affection? My last few minutes with him were particularly painful. We were sitting across from each other in a cafe and he was joking about something mundane. For the first time I noticed, with regret, how beautiful his eyes were. --- Do you guys think I should break up with him? Should I see him tonight? He just called a few minutes ago to ask if I wanted to go to a movie and I said I would call him back. I don't know what to do. I still love him.
JCD Posted September 3, 2007 Posted September 3, 2007 If he wants to work on himself, to open up to you and love you then I would try to be with him otherwise I would dump him. I think right now he's just acting out the emotions you want of him instead of feeling them.
garnet Posted September 3, 2007 Posted September 3, 2007 This relationship is still fairly new. I don't think it's such a good idea to see him tonight when you're still reeling from the night before and feeling so insecure. I don't blame you for feeling that way, and I think he needs to consider the consequences of his words before he speaks them. I do think that 2.5 months is not enough time to really fall in love with someone either, so I'm not sure if he may feel pressured by the situation to say these things to you. It's definitely a red flag though, and I would take a step back for the moment and refrain from seeing him tonight if you can. Maybe also you need to slow things down. By doing so he may be able to get a better hold of his own feelings as well.
Author shadowplay Posted September 3, 2007 Author Posted September 3, 2007 It's too late. Already agreed to see him. So how should I act when I do?
Diplok Posted September 3, 2007 Posted September 3, 2007 Cancel the date. You both need time to think.
nicki Posted September 3, 2007 Posted September 3, 2007 You are very well-spoken and intelligent. Probably extremely perceptive as well. I would have been equally hurt if a guy had sad that to me (the not knowing if he could ever love someone stuff.) But, one thing I have learned. Listen to what he is saying. Believe what he tells you about himself. He may not be able to ever feel things deeply...ever... You may see that he is incapable of giving you the love you want and deserve....and you do know that you deserve a partner who is emotionally available to you, don't you? You may be upset because you see clearly that he is NOT that guy. So don't explain it all away by giving him excuses. At the end of the day it doesn't really matter the reasons he can't be a good partner. He may not be able to change. It might be a good idea FOR YOU to leave the relationship. Now, he may simply be scared....time will tell if he is able to be fully involved in a real relationship with you. So, I'd take it very slow if you stay with him. Watch his behavior, and give him a timeline in your mind. If he isn't acting emotionally invested in a certain amount of time, cut him loose. Don't waste your time trying to change someone. It will make you miserable. In fact, watch how happy or miserable you become with him. That will tell you a lot. I've dated guys like this guy who are flippant and charming and seldom serious about their feelings. At first, you can think that they are confident and self-assured. Later, you realize they don't go very deep emotionally.
Author shadowplay Posted September 3, 2007 Author Posted September 3, 2007 I've dated guys like this guy who are flippant and charming and seldom serious about their feelings. At first, you can think that they are confident and self-assured. Later, you realize they don't go very deep emotionally. This actually describes him perfectly. I think I was so entranced by his charm and confidence at first that I neglected to look beneath the surface. Out of curiosity how and when did things usually end with these guys you dated? Thanks for your advice. So I saw him again last night. I would have canceled but it didn't seem right since he was already on his way to pick me up and he took a 5 hr bus this weekend just to see me. Things went better. We never talked about the issue, but we had a good time. Still I felt like something was missing on an emotional level from his end. Everything was easy and fun, yet I craved something deeper. Maybe I'm just being impatient and should let things develop. Then again I fear if I wait too long I'll emotionally invest in someone who simply can't connect. I really want to make things work because I love him. He's such a great guy in most respects: sweet, extremely smart, funny, interesting...but he lacks emotional depth. I'm so conflicted right now. Well he's going back to NY tomorrow. We're supposed to spend this last night together but now I'm having second thoughts. Would it be better for me to cancel? I have to pick up my computer from him anyway but maybe we could just meet briefly? I"m worried that I"m sending him the wrong message by seeing him so much after he upset me. I also have spent the last three nights with him. On the other hand, it seems wrong not to see him again since he mostly made this long trip to be with me. What do you guys think?
garnet Posted September 3, 2007 Posted September 3, 2007 I think the same thing I thought last night, that you need to take a step back. See him tonight briefly if you must, but do not sleep with him again. Did you post recently about feeling like your world would fall apart if this guy left you? I'm not sure if it was you, but if so, even all the more reason to step back. If your whole world is dependent on some guy you've only been seeing for a few months, that is VERY dangerous and unhealthy. If he is already hesitant to move forward with his emotions and you are insecure, I don't see this moving in a good direction. You need to be strong and secure within yourself first.
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