pook Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 Hi I'm new here. I have read many posts and have learned a lot. I really don't know where to start...My partner and I have been together for 19 yrs. We are not married. Right from the start he was a quiet, non talkative, non affectionate type guy. I picked him because I wanted someone stable (non partier, hard worker). About me... I'm affectionate, cuddly, (non needy though) great listening skills, care about people a great deal. I guess you can say a gentle soul who is sensitive. Our relationship is toast and has been for about 4yrs. It's also a sexless one. I guess as I aged I started analizing myself and him and came to realize that I was giving my all to him and not receiving anything. It got to the point where I was taking care of all the household chores including any outside house maintainence..vehicle care etc..He did nothing and didn't seem to care that I was lifting heavy objects or doing what some would call "mans work" I'm not a complainer so I would only ask him once to do a chore..when he didn't..I simply would do it myself. He always said his back hurt..or he was tired. I didn't mind at first..but I found myself growing resentful a couple of years later. So in a nutshell...He has refuse to do anything (except go to work) and I mean liturally do nothing...he even makes me do all the driving. He doesn't talk with me..I do all the talking or asking..he just says one word answers. He does not hold any conversations with me unless it's about his hobbies. I have always been pleasant and ask how things are going or about his hobbies. He never asks anything about me. My question is.......why is it that someone like him can laugh and have fun with other people but not me? I have wonder this for years. I watch him while we are visiting his family and he's joking and they all think he's so funny and wonderful. Same with any his friends. They talk about their hobbies and laugh. If his friends come to visit..it's all good fun. Once they leave..it's dead silence again. I've brought this issue up twice in the past in a calm, curious manner and he either shuts down, rolls his eyes at me, or gives me the evil look and tells me that he doesn't do that. I leave it alone because I know he is very defensive on anything. You cannot talk to this guy at all..he right away thinks it's a fight...when really it's just the start of a discussion. I gave up on everything about two yrs ago..and just didn't try talking with him unless necessary. Last weekend he blurted out that he needs to know whether we have a relationship or not. We had a long talk...(he got defensive..but near the end mellowed out) He said he is so screwed up because he doesn't know whether we are a couple or not. All the past stuff got brought up by me and he told me he realizes that he had issues? He wants to give it 6mths and then we will part ways if it doesn't work out. He said we will have a couples date night once or twice a week and start a hobby together...all this, mentioned by him. Well it's been a week. The very next day he was his miserable self. Not talking, not doing anything...unless it's with family or friends. I've been happy around him but no response. I've asked a few times if he would like to go somewhere...he said he was tired...although he has gone out with friends. Today I asked if he like to go for a walk with the dog. He said no..but then changed his mind and came. He walked and said not one word. I tried to initiate conversation...he didn't even respond to me. (another common thing he does.) He looked miserable..and just wanted to get it over with from what I could see. I just shut my mouth and left him alone. He is now gone to visit family and I've had it. What's wrong with people like this? He can't be depressed..cause he acts differently among other people. He told me last week during the discussion that he loves me so much and doesn't want to lose me while crying. He's not cheating..I know for sure. I've looked up passive aggressive..he doesn't fit that. What he does fit though is emotional abuser...except for putting me down. He does NOT do that. I feel like he is torturing me in a way.. mentally. I do not feel loved at all. He reminds me of a kid that needs to get their own way ALL the time or stomps their feet. One more example is..on the way home the other day he realized he needed milk. He was all upset because he didn't want to go into the store (again claming he's too tired). He said to me "will you go in?" I said no, I did last time. He then pouted and said "well I guess I'm not going to have f-ing milk then" It's like he guilts me into going into the store..The only good thing is I've stopped feeling guilty a couple of years ago..so I won't go in unless we take turns. Can someone tell me what's wrong? I've gotten to the point of watching other couples in public to see if they are talking. It's that bad. I have lost myself..I don't even know what's normal. He tells me fighting is normal and that I'm a terrible listener. I told him why is it that everyone including his family come to me first when there is a crisis. I've studied the marriage builders web site and other web sites to make sure I know how to handle things properly. He hasn't and has no clue what to do in a relationship. I've explain and given examples of proper communication..he says "do you think anybody does that in a relationship?" with a sarcastic tone. I know I picked him to begin with..what I don't get is why people like him have a relationship. Why not be single or with someone who is just as f-ing cold. Sorry for going on and on...
whichwayisup Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 19 years together and he is asking if you two are a couple? Well, either way it seems whatever was between you two has run it's course... I suggest marriage counselling or couples therapy to help, that is IF you both want to make a go of this. Just seems that it's companionship, an ideal roommate situation, or something, but it isn't passionate, nor loving, nor intimate. Not being able to joke around or even have fun together is a problem and later in life, especially if there are no kids involved. What are your reasons for staying with him and what are your reasons to end it? Do a list...
Author pook Posted September 2, 2007 Author Posted September 2, 2007 Ok, I've re-read what I posted. I want to mention that he was somewhat talkative in the early yrs of the relationship. I also want to mention that I was willing to live like that..or be content as long as he treated me with respect. I now feel like there is NO respect at all towards me.
whichwayisup Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 The thing is, why would you want to live a relationship in silence, even if he did respect you? See, that is a receipe for an affair to happen! OFcourse in the early years things were great...It always is...But, as time wore on, you two grew apart, or weren't really able to 'talk', communicate. Seems you two have separate lives and aren't really included emotionally either...
bestadvisor Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 He told me last week during the discussion that he loves me so much and doesn't want to lose me while crying. Tell him he will lose you if he doesn't try to meet your needs which are basic communication and some effection once in a while and maybe some respect.
Ladyjane14 Posted September 3, 2007 Posted September 3, 2007 You cannot talk to this guy at all..he right away thinks it's a fight...when really it's just the start of a discussion. I've noticed this in my own husband as well as other men. I've become convinced that they get defensive like that because they can't WIN in an emotional debate with a woman. We have better tools. The best defense of course, is a good offense. So, they hit the ground running. I was kind of shocked actually when I realized he couldn't beat me in a debate. I "walked a mile" and figured that if I knew I was always going to come out with the fuzzy end of the lollipop... hell, I'd probably avoid conflict or come out (verbally) swinging too. So, I just stopped arguing with him. I say whatever I've got to say and then leave it. And whenever he makes a good point, I make quite a fuss over it just so he knows I'm paying attention. He can't be depressed..cause he acts differently among other people. He told me last week during the discussion that he loves me so much and doesn't want to lose me while crying. Just because he can roll out the welcome wagon now and then doesn't mean he can't be depressed. If you've been together 19 years, he's bound to be old enough to be suffering from some midlife issues. Depression is fairly common in MLC guys as their bodies undergo changes and their chemical balance adjusts. The crying ought to be telling you that he's got some kind of emotional issue. The laziness and anger are also symptomatic of depression in men. Your best bet is to encourage him to see his doctor for a depression screening. Honestly, my husband was a total ass there for awhile. We almost split up. But... I applied some serious TLC, and he responded like a flower after a drought. He finally saw his doctor, who diagnosed him with a mild case of depression. He accepted treatment, and I poured on the affection and understanding. He's like a new guy these days. Yeah, it sucks when it seems like you're always the one who is giving in the relationship. But I think you'd be surprised at how reciprocal the relationship can become when both people in it are in a healthier place and on the SAME team. Try The Five Love Languages by Chapman, and give some thought to jumping off the deep end and pulling out all the stops for the next six months. Worst case scenario... it doesn't work out. But hey, it's not working out now, so what do you have to lose?
Mr. Lucky Posted September 3, 2007 Posted September 3, 2007 I've noticed this in my own husband as well as other men. I've become convinced that they get defensive like that because they can't WIN in an emotional debate with a woman. We have better tools. I don't know if they are better, but women's tools, at least on me, can certainly be more persuasive . Mr. Lucky
MakeLoveNoWar Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 From my point of view, sexless relationship whether it's not coming from a crystal clear choice will not lead to a good and healthy place, I'll suggest you to think whether you want to stay in that relationship, if you do, so go to consulation, if you're not, make the cut earlier as you can, Do you have childrens?
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