notsograceful05 Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 Sorry, it's a bit long. But please help! My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half. I just turned twenty, he is still nineteen. We love each other very much and will be getting married (although there is nothing official, simply an agreement that it is something we both want) after college. However, there is an area that I have been developing a problem with and I don't think I can stand it anymore. He has a close female friend, they have been friends for about a year. They used to work together before college and now all three of us have started at the same college. My first problem with this girl is that she used to like him, she even told him "Be sure to let me know when you're single." Plus she messaged me and told me that "He's amazing. you're so lucky!" Ok fine, a crush I can handle. Actually several girls that he worked with had crushes on him, no big deal. But now they are close friends and it is killing me. He has had many many female friends, and I haven't had a problem with any of them. It doesn't bother me, I trust him. However, I have had a couple male friends and he doesn't like any of them. But when I mention that I have problems with this ONE girl, he gets upset. For example, one night I was hanging out in his room. It was a little after midnight and he sent me back to my room because he was so exhausted. Well I noticed he didn't text me good night before I went to bed so I figured he fell asleep before he could. When we got together the next today he said "Yeah, I went up to her room and hung out with her til about two am." That upset me. He shooed me away because he was tired but he wasn't too tired to go chill out with her in her room for two more hours. He brings her up in conversations all the time, he will reply to all of her stuff online and talk to her but if I email him or send him something he ignores it. When I ask about it he's like, "You'll be alright. No big deal." It may not be the biggest deal, but it still hurts me. A couple nights ago he didn't get off work until about two am. He had been talking all day about how tired he was and couldn't wait to go to bed. Turns out after he got home he went up to her room and hung out for another hour or so and had his first beer! I was pissed. Last night, he and I were going to do something important. She messaged him online and asked what he was doing. He said "nothing," so she asked if he wanted to come up to her room. He said "No I'm doing something with my girlfriend" and she goes "Grrr fine. Well you're coming out with me tonight. Right?" And he said "No I've got stuff to do." So she just says "Fine. Bye." When I got quiet he just said "God why are you getting upset about this?" I am glad that he turned her down. I would not have liked it if he had gone out partying with her, especially with just her and he's not a partying person! I suppose I have more of a problem with her than anything else. She is rude, she uses people, she sleeps around a lot and she isn't faithful in her own relationships. She really seems like she thinks she owns him. When we see her in public he's giving her hugs and it's like all of a sudden I don't exist. And I would hang out with the two of them but I can't! When I'm doing something and I get done, I can't get ahold of him because he's hanging out with her and won't answer my calls or texts when he is with her! He only hangs out with her if it's like two am and I'm in bed or if I'm busy. But I try to talk to him about this and he gets upset. He just says "You don't have to like her but I don't want to lose this friendship." He is constantly making little jokes about how he slept with her or how she's great in bed and then swears up and down he's just teasing me. But he knows it upsets me. I keep thinking about it and I can't get it out of my head. I have never had this kind of fear about his friendship with another girl. But something in my heart and my gut feels that this is wrong. I know he wouldn't cheat on me. But it feels like he is much more attracted to her emotionally than to me. I'm so afraid that he's falling for her and that I'll lose him. Like he would rather spend time with her than me. And that kills me inside. I don't nag him at all, but when I try to talk about it he doesn't seem to care that I'm upset. HE KEEPS TELLING ME THAT THEY ARE JUST FRIENDS! HE EVEN SAYS THAT "OTHER THAN ME" SHE S HIS BEST FRIEND! Someone please give me some input. I'm tired of feeling so alone about this! Can a man and a woman have a strictly platonic friendship?
Poboy Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 please dont make many threads on the same issue . be patient and you will get responses. lot of red flags in your case. joking about sleeping with her and how she is great in bed is immature and maybe true. as long as this woman is in the picture , you will have issues. either you continue it like this and accept their friendship or whatever they have going on or either her or you have to move out of this 3 way thing.
whichwayisup Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 I think it is going to come down to you. Can you handle their friendship? If not, break up with him because he certainly isn't going to end their friendship...Atleast for now. She provides something for him, whether it be just fun and pals, or something more. He does seem attached to her and she obviously 'likes' him..I can see why you wouldn't trust her around him. The thing is, he probably enjoys the ego feed she gives him and that is why he's protective of their 'friendship.' I say, GET to know her, screw what she thinks and feels...Hang out with them anyway. Be in her face and let HER know you're the girlfriend, not her! If you act passive and disappear when shes' around, it will reinforce her attitude and think she's superior to you, make you feel bad, and purposely make you jealous.
Mr. Lucky Posted September 3, 2007 Posted September 3, 2007 It almost seems as though your BF enjoys your discomfort over this whole thing. Do you want to marry someone who, based on your desription, has so little disregard for your feelings and security? Mr. Lucky
nottoobright Posted September 3, 2007 Posted September 3, 2007 Do you want to marry someone who, based on your desription, has so little disregard for your feelings and security? Mr. Lucky Amen to that Mr. Lucky.... Notsograceful05' read some of my posts, I had the similar issues as you are having. When me and my husband were dating he did the "I'm too tired to see you tonight" but ended up with my "love rival" the same evening. He would spend daytime hours with me but late night hours with her and they would have sex. I am not really in a position to give much advice as I am just now trying to "find myself" but I will tell you that all the "red flags" that you have described are very similar to the "red flags" I chose to ignore and now I am about to end a marraige when it would have been so much easier to just have ended a dating relationship. My husband had an "attatchment" to his "ex" that went beyond caring how it made me feel. His biggest thing was telling me that he "enjoyed her company". He wanted to remain friends with her., she used sex to keep him "on the line". If you think you will be able to handle this then I agree with whichwayisup but think long and hard. At your age you should be with someone who makes you feel special all the time, not second best.
bartles Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 Where do I start here...hmmmm OK...you are a YOUNG WOMAN! Emphasis on young. Too young to be getting serious about any GUY. You are still at an age where you should be getting to know more about yourself. See. I married my high school sweetheart at 19. Now, I have seen how much I have changed in 12 years. I am not the 16 year old he fell in love with 12 years ago. The thing is love changes honey and at 28 I've discovered alot about myself by just living life. Secondly, my best friend is a guy. We share alot with one another but I will tell you this....your bf is getting something out of this relationship with his lady friend. See he is not willing to sacrafice his friendship for your relationship which tells me right there he is not ready for a committment. Call me crazy but his ego is being boosted by spending time with this girl because she does like him. If he were to talk about you with her she would probaly try and get him to be with you. BUT...one thing that you must remember is that without TRUST there is no relationship. If you CAN'T trust him with her then you don't need to continue to move forward in the relationship. Marriage is a BIG committment. Too many people are getting divorced as soon as they have a bad week or a bad month. Spend more time getting to know the man you want to spend your life with and the woman in his life that he refuses to let go. Sometimes just watching them interact can give you the answers you seek. AND...LOVE YOURSELF enough to let go if you must. A woman's intuition is ALMOST always right. Deep down we know..we see the warning signs and we ignore them. Ultimately we are the one's who have to make the decision no one can make it for us.
nicole_m Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 [sweety dont be so young and niave, He is cheating i think. If he is gonna lie about being tired he is gonna lie about cheating. You deserve better
rockerdude Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 No, they can't...98.9% of the time. She is putting out and he is getting it.!I'd say.. he IS following the go upstairs and get some routine. Ah...for her, she is enjoying getting over on YOU! And when you find out and dump him, she'll be there to have him all to herself. But don't worry cause she'll probably do the same thing to him, with another guy. She IS a predator & your enemy.Why? IF she wasn't then she would RESPECT YOU, she doesn't. This IS the issue here. You & her, over HIM! (she is winning btw) She IS a girl, right? So she knows exactly what she is doing. Also, I have been around the block....here is my advice to you. Do not make the biggest mistake of your life and marry this guy! Do you really want to be like many other women and men who...can't believe it happened to them? No you don't. And you don't have to. How do you find out? Deal with it? You dump him, temporarily. Just DO IT! lol ANd wait for at least 1 week before you talk to him again. IF he really loves you.....he will NOT give up on you. IF he does....after just 1 week....what does that say? Don't fiddle...find out! It is YOUR life and unfortunately, the best ones are sometimes the absolute worst because they can have whoever they want , whenever they want them and ...they do! And IF he does come back to you, the first thing you say...is,"The reason I have not talked to you is because of her. She doesn't respect me, has already said she likes you, and I am sure you've already been getting it...it is obvious (ok so you have to "sound like you already know) Dump her now, and will try this again. When he starts to say he didn't do her, just interupt him and say ....here are the rules IF you want me...now listen. Yes you will sound like his mother, but IF you want him to respect YOU, he needs to know that this is his ONLY chance and those are the rules. After he agrees (if he does), then you can put it behind you and develop a relationship. If he does not, then he isn't mature enough to know how to be in a relationship anyway. So after he agrees to listen tell him he will take you to her room, and tell her..point blank-at her door, that he loves you...wants to respect your wishes and so he is going to not hang out with "her" anymore. She will get pissed, and tell you IF he has cheated on you with her. Then you look her in the eye and say I know..but I win ..now don't I? Good bye...(insert any name to call her here)...laughs. HE will be smitten with your courage and strength, something he obviously doesn't have right now. But more importantly, you will have earned his respect. Okay...sorry I just have too much fun with all of this. It takes guts...people, wake up!!!! It's YOUR life we are talking about here!
lovelorcet Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 I think you are both too young for this type of relationship and should go out there and get to know other people. I would break it off with him and let him have his fun with this other girl. You should meet new men and get some experience under your belt.
bones Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 Let her have him and step out of the picture. This is the best way to maintain your dignity. You teach people to behave by what you tolerate. Too tired, and then a visit? That is lying. It may be platonic, but that was still really sleazy and noone deserves to be treated that way. Most importantly, when he asks why, say, I'm just not that into you and leave it at that. Rejection is the greatest aphrodisiac. Stay friends the other woman. HE'S NOT worth losing a friendship.
Faith4u Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 I think that if your bf did not fall for her yet, he is falling for his best friend. I am a woman and have had this man friend for over 10 years, i am married for over 6 years and we had tough times really bad arguments and fights for over 1 year and things went really bad between my hobby and myself, since I convide to this man close friend of mine, we fell for each other, we know it is wrong but we don't know if it is passion or love or just an affair. He always had a crush on me and wanted to be with me and now I am confused with my life. I suggest that you leave the guy before you end up living in a limbo. Bottom line it should be you that comes first. You are the gf and the other girl is a friend. good luck. Sorry, it's a bit long. But please help! My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half. I just turned twenty, he is still nineteen. We love each other very much and will be getting married (although there is nothing official, simply an agreement that it is something we both want) after college. However, there is an area that I have been developing a problem with and I don't think I can stand it anymore. He has a close female friend, they have been friends for about a year. They used to work together before college and now all three of us have started at the same college. My first problem with this girl is that she used to like him, she even told him "Be sure to let me know when you're single." Plus she messaged me and told me that "He's amazing. you're so lucky!" Ok fine, a crush I can handle. Actually several girls that he worked with had crushes on him, no big deal. But now they are close friends and it is killing me. He has had many many female friends, and I haven't had a problem with any of them. It doesn't bother me, I trust him. However, I have had a couple male friends and he doesn't like any of them. But when I mention that I have problems with this ONE girl, he gets upset. For example, one night I was hanging out in his room. It was a little after midnight and he sent me back to my room because he was so exhausted. Well I noticed he didn't text me good night before I went to bed so I figured he fell asleep before he could. When we got together the next today he said "Yeah, I went up to her room and hung out with her til about two am." That upset me. He shooed me away because he was tired but he wasn't too tired to go chill out with her in her room for two more hours. He brings her up in conversations all the time, he will reply to all of her stuff online and talk to her but if I email him or send him something he ignores it. When I ask about it he's like, "You'll be alright. No big deal." It may not be the biggest deal, but it still hurts me. A couple nights ago he didn't get off work until about two am. He had been talking all day about how tired he was and couldn't wait to go to bed. Turns out after he got home he went up to her room and hung out for another hour or so and had his first beer! I was pissed. Last night, he and I were going to do something important. She messaged him online and asked what he was doing. He said "nothing," so she asked if he wanted to come up to her room. He said "No I'm doing something with my girlfriend" and she goes "Grrr fine. Well you're coming out with me tonight. Right?" And he said "No I've got stuff to do." So she just says "Fine. Bye." When I got quiet he just said "God why are you getting upset about this?" I am glad that he turned her down. I would not have liked it if he had gone out partying with her, especially with just her and he's not a partying person! I suppose I have more of a problem with her than anything else. She is rude, she uses people, she sleeps around a lot and she isn't faithful in her own relationships. She really seems like she thinks she owns him. When we see her in public he's giving her hugs and it's like all of a sudden I don't exist. And I would hang out with the two of them but I can't! When I'm doing something and I get done, I can't get ahold of him because he's hanging out with her and won't answer my calls or texts when he is with her! He only hangs out with her if it's like two am and I'm in bed or if I'm busy. But I try to talk to him about this and he gets upset. He just says "You don't have to like her but I don't want to lose this friendship." He is constantly making little jokes about how he slept with her or how she's great in bed and then swears up and down he's just teasing me. But he knows it upsets me. I keep thinking about it and I can't get it out of my head. I have never had this kind of fear about his friendship with another girl. But something in my heart and my gut feels that this is wrong. I know he wouldn't cheat on me. But it feels like he is much more attracted to her emotionally than to me. I'm so afraid that he's falling for her and that I'll lose him. Like he would rather spend time with her than me. And that kills me inside. I don't nag him at all, but when I try to talk about it he doesn't seem to care that I'm upset. HE KEEPS TELLING ME THAT THEY ARE JUST FRIENDS! HE EVEN SAYS THAT "OTHER THAN ME" SHE S HIS BEST FRIEND! Someone please give me some input. I'm tired of feeling so alone about this! Can a man and a woman have a strictly platonic friendship?
BHBV66 Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Rockerdude, you kill me, I'm LOL but all is SO SO TRUE! Except I'd modify that just a bit: 1. First I'dmake him DISCLOSE EVERYTHING to the slightest detail of how many, when, how, why, who else, etc etc. Although this is hard to hear, but if he comes clean, there's nothing more for you to wonder about. Believe me, if you leave any "wondering thoughts", they'll stay w/ you for ever and WILL affect your relationship. 2. After he's confessed and disclosed EVERYTHING, then go w/ him to see her and AFTER she outs him for sleeping w/ her, see if the stories match, at that moment she'll be willing to sing like a canary just to rub it in your face. If his story checks out 100% then decide if you want to stay and lay down the rules as Rockerdude described above. If he still lied to you, I'd probably dump him again for good, and don't be surprised if she dumps him too as he will no longer be a "challenge" to her. Then turn to him and tell him to lose your phone number, and then turn to her and tell her how she'll always be "the other woman", that's all she's cut out for in life, and pitty her (look her over your shoulder as you leave them both standing). Oh, for kickers, make sure your current b/f and possible ex sees you with your next guy. Good luck
MaryMary Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Unfortunately this person who claims to love you is not respecting you. He lies, makes inappropriate jokes and chooses the other girl over you numerous times. No one, no matter what age, should have to put up with that kind of behaviour. Friendships between men and women are fine, but he has crossed boundaries and if he does not realize that, you have to let him go. At this point, he needs to know that either the inappropriate behaviour must end (eg: no more late nights in her room, etc) or you will end it. I know it must upset you to think about ending a rel'p with someone you really love, but believe me it is better off in the end if he is not treating you right. You shouldn't have to deal with this type of drama. As to whether or not he is cheating, I always say listen to your gut instinct....when something doesn't feel right it probably isn't. You are young and have many years ahead to meet someone great. If he won't respect your wishes, respect yourself enough and move onward.
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