My wife doesn't know

[FrequentFlyer]

I figure you are posting here because you want to know what your options are -- not because you want understanding, therapy or want your hand slapped. So, here's one option. It's potentially VERY messy.

 

Look, NO MORE EMAILS, NO MORE PHONE CALLS.

 

Reading this thread is liking watching a soap opera unfold.

 

Now this guy is a little edgy about repercussions. Understandably.

Sounds like she's got wacko potential.

 

So I'm going to suggest something a little out of whack myself.

Just promise you'll read the whole thing before jumping to conclusions, ok?

 

Condolences, regarding your mother in law. However, I think this is the PERFECT time to deal with all this. There is so much confusion, so many moving parts all in motion right now. Get it all out now. So you can move forward, with whatever path you want your life to take.

 

I KNOW I am going to get flamed by some here on LS for even suggesting this, but you have GOT to get control of this situation. It's already spinning out of control and wrecking your life. So, here goes:

 

 

 

Meet with this woman. And bring your wife when you meet.

 

 

 

And introduce your wife to this woman. Explain that you be-friended this woman and then this woman tried to spin it into something more. Yes there were some times when you talked with her privately (in person and via email). All out of friendship. And before you crossed any lines, you put a stop to it. All of it.

 

This will end it and any discussion of it. After all, who would she believe, a stranger, or her husband?

 

Sorry. It's crass. And really slimy. But, more than anything else, it has shock value, and is CONFRONTATIONAL. And most people don't LIKE confrontation. But look, the "hang-up" phone calls have already started, and the stalking/just "happened to be in the same restaurant" 700 miles away thing has also begun. I'd assume she's completed scoped you out. You don't own a bunny rabbit do you?

 

Be proactive, take the first shot. Although it's EXTREMELY risky, is IS a way out.

[Jinnah]

I figure you are posting here because you want to know what your options are -- not because you want understanding, therapy or want your hand slapped. So, here's one option. It's potentially VERY messy.

 

Look, NO MORE EMAILS, NO MORE PHONE CALLS.

 

Reading this thread is liking watching a soap opera unfold.

 

Now this guy is a little edgy about repercussions. Understandably.

Sounds like she's got wacko potential.

 

So I'm going to suggest something a little out of whack myself.

Just promise you'll read the whole thing before jumping to conclusions, ok?

 

Condolences, regarding your mother in law. However, I think this is the PERFECT time to deal with all this. There is so much confusion, so many moving parts all in motion right now. Get it all out now. So you can move forward, with whatever path you want your life to take.

 

I KNOW I am going to get flamed by some here on LS for even suggesting this, but you have GOT to get control of this situation. It's already spinning out of control and wrecking your life. So, here goes:

 

 

 

Meet with this woman. And bring your wife when you meet.

 

 

 

And introduce your wife to this woman. Explain that you be-friended this woman and then this woman tried to spin it into something more. Yes there were some times when you talked with her privately (in person and via email). All out of friendship. And before you crossed any lines, you put a stop to it. All of it.

 

This will end it and any discussion of it. After all, who would she believe, a stranger, or her husband?

 

Sorry. It's crass. And really slimy. But, more than anything else, it has shock value, and is CONFRONTATIONAL. And most people don't LIKE confrontation. But look, the "hang-up" phone calls have already started, and the stalking/just "happened to be in the same restaurant" 700 miles away thing has also begun. I'd assume she's completed scoped you out. You don't own a bunny rabbit do you?

 

Be proactive, take the first shot. Although it's EXTREMELY risky, is IS a way out.

 

 

As crazy as it sounds, you do have some kind of point here. I think betting on the fact that this will have a better outcome b/c his wife's emotions are all over the place sounds really mean and wrong (if that is what was implied)... it's manipulative and might work. However, I would not do this personally because I would feel evil. I hate to admit it, but the thought actually sprung into my mind, but I dismissed it. The only MORAL positive that I could come up with was that he would be telling her the truth and wouldn't have to lie anymore. I feel like it is wrong to continue hiding this from her even in under bad circumstances... but I'm the type of person who would "rather know than not know." She may not be.

 

However, I definitely agree that the whole 'meeting with the wife thing" might just work if he didn't tell the OW or his wife what the meeting was about. The OW would have to think he is going alone. His wife would have to think she was just meeting a friend and then BAM! He lets it all out. His wife would believe him since he was willing to bring her and she would see that the OW had no clue that was going to happen.

 

Just a thought though, what if the OW goes all psycho?

[Treatment]

I've got to admit, this has some potential. But I don't think I would feel comfortable blind-siding my wife this way. I'm trying to think about some long-range fallout and I think it could be bad.

 

My wife is very introspective and thinks very long and very hard about everything. Her immediate reaction could be OK but down the road I think she might get bent of shape. When all the pieces of a puzzle don't fit together just right she'll spend YEARS working it out until they do.

 

Blindsiding the other woman I've got to admit has a certain element of enjoyment for me. The only problem is that then I would have to "encourage" her to meet with me again and the thought is pretty repellent. That has a little too much of the doing what she wants role for me.

 

I think maybe my best bet is just to talk to my wife and tell her what happened. Maybe now is an OK time. I'll see how she's doing over the next few days and if she seems OK then maybe I'll tell her. She could leave me over this but at least all would be in the open. If she leaves me over it there isn't anything I can do about that. While it was going on I convinced myself that I wasn't doing anything wrong that it was just a friendship and that my wife had friendships with men she works with. The more I think about this situation the worse I feel. The more embarassed and well I guess ashamed is the word. It helps some to write here but it does seem that what I say is taken differently then I mean it very often.

 

There were five anonymous hang-up calls last night including one at 5:00 this morning. I think I do need to do something. The calls will bother my wife too.

 

No, no bunny rabbit, just a dog. I really don't want this woman around my wife.

[bestadvisor]

The more I think about this situation the worse I feel. The more embarassed and well I guess ashamed is the word. It helps some to write here but it does seem that what I say is taken differently then I mean it very often.

 

There were five anonymous hang-up calls last night including one at 5:00 this morning. I think I do need to do something. The calls will bother my wife too.

 

No, no bunny rabbit, just a dog. I really don't want this woman around my wife.

 

I have to say that, deep down, I think you're a good guy based on your posts.

 

Are those anonymous hang-up calls to your cell or house phone? Doesn't matter anyway when it's called at 5:00 in the morning. Fix it before things get worse. Your credibility to your wife fade when you tell the truth only after these calls increase or when she found out from her. If she found out from her, I won't be surprised that your marriage is over due to trust issues, insecurity, resentment, etc.

 

Not sure what to tell you, only you know all the facts and who your wife is.

[FrequentFlyer]

5 hang up calls last night? This is significantly more than I imagined. Whatever you decide, I would not put it off much longer. You KNOW it's her.

 

But I do want to add that what you've written in the above post make me believe you are starting to "over-think" this whole thing. Get a grip. If you start babbling about feeling ashamed and she might leave me over this, well, you might as well tighten the noose around your own neck, pardner. You're hanging yourself.

 

Not that it's right, but we've had a recent US President wiggle out of a much worse situation than this. The difference is YOU have a conscience. But you are going to have to decide what outcome you want and then make it happen. And if you grab control of this and remain pro-active (not re-active), you can spin it the way you want it spun.

 

Now that sounds bad (spinning), I know. But this woman could wind up telling a bigger tale than what actually happened, and has the potential to really wreak havoc. And you'll have NO credibility because she blabbed first and you are standing there feeling ashamed and guilty.

 

Nip this now, but I recommend you not be a weenie, be firm.

 

Now I have to take a shower. This was difficult, and am not normally like this, but this situation (in my opinion) requires some drastic action.

 

Love,

FF

 

 

PS the bunny rabbit comment was in reference to "Fatal Attraction"

[VirtualInsanity]

Don't think your wife would divorce you over something like this. But you know her better than us. I do think your sorry & realize what you did was supid. You will have to explain yourself & why you did this.

 

If she has your phone number I wonder if she has your address. Believe us, you don't want her coming over & talking to your wife before you do. Make matters worse & she might make up lies to get even.

 

But I agree that it was her. First she shows up in your area, then e-mails you, & now phone calls. I'd be suspicious.

[FrequentFlyer]

I'd be more than suspicious.

 

I do feel bad, you clearly are overcome with guilt and you seem genuine in your feelings about this whole matter. But if she starts talking before you, you will lose any kind of leverage and credibility you have.

 

Sorry. Wish I had better news to deliver. Keep us informed.

 

Love,

 

FF

[Jinnah]

I agree with bestadvisor... I think that you are a good guy who just got himself mixed up in a bad situation.

 

The hang up calls have got to be from her. No one else would do this. You are going to have to come clean now. This woman just might start talking when your wife picks up and say anything she pleases, and guess what... your wife is going to believe her since you didn't tell her.

[Treatment]

I have to say that, deep down, I think you're a good guy based on your posts.

 

Are those anonymous hang-up calls to your cell or house phone? Doesn't matter anyway when it's called at 5:00 in the morning. Fix it before things get worse. Your credibility to your wife fade when you tell the truth only after these calls increase or when she found out from her. If she found out from her, I won't be surprised that your marriage is over due to trust issues, insecurity, resentment, etc.

 

Not sure what to tell you, only you know all the facts and who your wife is.

 

The calls have all been to the house phone. I've done some research on the internet on some sites you folks told me about and it looks like our home phone and address are pretty easily available. My current cell phone doesn't show up anywhere. One that I had about 6 years ago showed up but that doesn't bother me. I never gave her any numbers so the only one she could get access to would be the house phone through these internet sites.

 

I don't know how my wife will take it other than I know that she'll be upset. It's so difficult because if we hadn't gotten far apart it wouldn't have happened but if we weren't far apart it wouldn't be so damned difficult to tell her. Also then I would be more sure of what her reaction will be.

 

I'll let you know what happens.

 

Maybe I should close this email account too.?

[bestadvisor]

 

I don't know how my wife will take it other than I know that she'll be upset. It's so difficult because if we hadn't gotten far apart it wouldn't have happened but if we weren't far apart it wouldn't be so damned difficult to tell her. Also then I would be more sure of what her reaction will be.

 

I'll let you know what happens.

 

Maybe I should close this email account too.?

 

Elaborate on what you mean by "we have gotten far apart."

[Treatment]

We used to do everything together. She got involved in work. I got involved in work and hobbies. We stopped doing fun things. Sex has always been active but not as inventive in the last couple years. It's been more like duty than interest. She is more attentive to her family and their needs and wants than to me. If I didn't love her I would have left. I've never let anyone treat me the way she has for the last year or so. I asked her over and over if she was mad at me and she always said no but she always acts angry or tired or busy or like everything in her life is more important than me. For awhile I thought maybe she was having an affair but I don't think she is. I don't really know what's been wrong.

[bestadvisor]

We used to do everything together. She got involved in work. I got involved in work and hobbies. We stopped doing fun things. Sex has always been active but not as inventive in the last couple years. It's been more like duty than interest. She is more attentive to her family and their needs and wants than to me. If I didn't love her I would have left. I've never let anyone treat me the way she has for the last year or so. I asked her over and over if she was mad at me and she always said no but she always acts angry or tired or busy or like everything in her life is more important than me. For awhile I thought maybe she was having an affair but I don't think she is. I don't really know what's been wrong.

 

Maybe this is an opportunity to come clean and find a way to fix things including what you did wrong and address the issues.

[VirtualInsanity]

Maybe this is an opportunity to come clean and find a way to fix things including what you did wrong and address the issues.

 

Good advice. Maybe what you did will be enough for her to wake-up.

[StaringContest]

I thought if she saw my face while I said it was over that it may be more definite to her that there was no possibility of any further contact.

 

I know you decided not to meet with or talk to OW, but in case you ever change your mind, I just want to add one thing. She'll take any contact from you as a sign that the door's still open. A face-to-face meeting will only encourage her. Stick to what you've decided and don't ever contact her in any way again. Ignore any contact from her side.

 

Also, you've got to tell your wife before OW does. Use this opportunity to get marriage counseling and build your marriage back up.

 

Don't delete that email account. Keep the emails in case your wife wants to see them. Be completely honest with her about what kinds of things you said and what happened. If she has a hard time believing you, those emails might help her see that you're telling the truth.

 

And block the OW's email address.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, I was just going to say block her email address, block her from your cellphone and call your phone company and ask them if it's possible to block her from calling you at home as well. IT IS SCARY that now she has your home number. That is stalkerish and she KNOWS she's not supposed to know your number...Yet, she found it anyway.

 

Definately tell your wife. Just not sure when the timing is good seeing as her mom died recently...Use your judgement on that one. And, sorry for you and your wife's loss...Death of a parent is very difficult.

[whichwayisup]

We used to do everything together. She got involved in work. I got involved in work and hobbies. We stopped doing fun things. Sex has always been active but not as inventive in the last couple years. It's been more like duty than interest. She is more attentive to her family and their needs and wants than to me. If I didn't love her I would have left. I've never let anyone treat me the way she has for the last year or so. I asked her over and over if she was mad at me and she always said no but she always acts angry or tired or busy or like everything in her life is more important than me. For awhile I thought maybe she was having an affair but I don't think she is. I don't really know what's been wrong.

 

That's called "LIFE has gotten in the way" syndrome. Gotta get that spark and fun back. And laugh together too! It doesn't always have to lead to the bedroom, but spending alone time whether it be having a bath together, cuddling on the couch, or going out for dinner, seeing a movie alone, shooting pool, going for a nice walk hand in hand...BOTH of you must make that extra effort for eachother and recapture what it was that brought you two together in the first place.

[bestadvisor]

If it was her, I wonder why she hung up the phone? Did she hear you voice before hanging up? Was she waiting to talk to your wife and hung up because it was you?

[Jinnah]

 

Don't delete that email account. Keep the emails in case your wife wants to see them. Be completely honest with her about what kinds of things you said and what happened. If she has a hard time believing you, those emails might help her see that you're telling the truth.

 

And block the OW's email address.

 

OOOHHH... REALLY good point here. I would follow this advice if I were you.

[Treatment]

This has been a very difficult night and morning. I told my wife last night. She's hurting very much. Both of us called in sick today and probably will for at least the rest of this week. We have a lot to talk about. My wife immediately realized the source of the anonymous calls we've been getting and has made sure to be the person to answer ever since. She picks up the phone and doesn't say anything, just hold on to it. The first call lasted at least five minutes. They've been decreasing in length but picking up in frequency.

 

I received three emails from the woman. I haven't opened them and don't think I will. I've done what was suggested here and this morning blocked her from my email. Will a block send a message back to the sender or does that only happen if the account is closed?

 

It appears that my wife does love me. When I told her about what I did SHE tried to comfort ME. How sad is that? I feel so terrible about this mess. My wife is telling me how sorry she is that SHE wasn't communicating well. What an ungodly sorry situation. If that woman keeps this up I'm going to notify the telephone company. Surely they can do something.

 

These are anonymous calls though not blocked ones. How does that happen? My wife would know but that isn't something I feel I can talk to her about yet.

 

We talked about going to marriage counseling. She's all for it and reminded me that she's asked me to go 2 or 3 times in the last few years. I was the one who said no. What a bum I am.

[ookla_2]

...you did a very courageous thing by telling your wife. I'm so impressed with how you handled it and how she has responded. It really seems that the two of you are going to be able to get past this. It won't be right away, and there will be some setbacks, but be patient with your wife. She sounds like a wonderful, understanding woman.

 

We're all human. You've taken responsibility for your actions, and your wife has stepped up to support you. I'm in awe...

[Jinnah]

Awww, Treatment. I'm so glad you did the right thing. I know that everything is going to be fine for you two based on your wife's reaction. Isn't it a relief that you don't have anything to hide any longer. Your wife sounds like a great woman... you are lucky.

 

I know that woman is the one calling, especially since you have now received three e-mails from her. How pathetic is she? Wow. I'm not sure about the anonymous thing, but I will ask around... she's doing it somehow. What a nut... five minutes?! How insane is she?!

[Impudent Oyster]

Are you my husband? Seriously, your situation sounds eerily similar to mine, just allow me a few comments before I give you some advice.

 

Despite what someone else contends, you DID cross a line and you did something wrong. Having a "secret" email account and corresponding with another woman behind your wife's back and closing with a "love, Treatment" is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG and is definitely crossing a line.

 

No wonder this OW got the idea that this iwas something more than what it is, you did lead her on, whether you meant to or not. You loved the attention, even though you had no intention of having this woman permanently in your life, and you said what you had to in order to keep the attention coming. You need to take responsibility for that.

 

Also, you ask how long this woman is going to bother you? My guess is it will continue until you phone her, with your wife present, tell her that you have told your wife everything, you're sorry if she got the wrong impression but you are committed to your marriage and you would appreciate it if she would stop emailing and phoning you. Tell her if she continues to contact you you will consider it harassment and will file a restraining order.

 

That should get the message across.

 

It's a good thing you came clean because I have NO DOUBT this woman would've contacted your wife and shown her your emails. My husband told the OW that he wasn't interested, he was firm, told her we were happy and the very next day I received the emails she saved. It was her last ditch desperate attempt at breaking us up. It didn't work.

 

Now, get back to counseling and realize that marriages have ebbs and flows, of course your wife loves you, it's just mature love. You have to realize the difference between that and flattery/infatuation.

 

Don't you feel silly?

 

Good luck, I'm sure if you present a united front and continue to be truthful with your wife your problems will disappear, along with the OW.

 

PS. CLOSE THE SECRET EMAIL ACCOUNT. WHAT DO YOU NEED IT FOR?

[Jinnah]

Imprudent Oyster's advice is very important. As harsh as it may sound, it might actually help you in this situation. I would really consider everything she said.

[whichwayisup]

This has been a very difficult night and morning. I told my wife last night. She's hurting very much. Both of us called in sick today and probably will for at least the rest of this week. We have a lot to talk about. My wife immediately realized the source of the anonymous calls we've been getting and has made sure to be the person to answer ever since. She picks up the phone and doesn't say anything, just hold on to it. The first call lasted at least five minutes. They've been decreasing in length but picking up in frequency.

 

I received three emails from the woman. I haven't opened them and don't think I will. I've done what was suggested here and this morning blocked her from my email. Will a block send a message back to the sender or does that only happen if the account is closed?

 

It appears that my wife does love me. When I told her about what I did SHE tried to comfort ME. How sad is that? I feel so terrible about this mess. My wife is telling me how sorry she is that SHE wasn't communicating well. What an ungodly sorry situation. If that woman keeps this up I'm going to notify the telephone company. Surely they can do something.

 

These are anonymous calls though not blocked ones. How does that happen? My wife would know but that isn't something I feel I can talk to her about yet.

 

We talked about going to marriage counseling. She's all for it and reminded me that she's asked me to go 2 or 3 times in the last few years. I was the one who said no. What a bum I am.

 

First off, congrats on telling your wife, you did the right thing and it's paid off. Ofcourse she's upset and hurt, but she seems to be level headed about it and has realized that she is partially to blame for the state of the marriage. I think you two are going to be fine...It just will take time to get things back on track.

 

As for the OW, when she calls, your wife should just say "I know about you and my husband, and we'd appreciate it if you stopped calling, stop emailing." Then hang up the phone. She'll hopefully stop. If she doesn't then worry about it later...Together you and your wife can either involve the police or together talk to the OW and make her understand it's time to let go and move on...

 

Talk to your wife too about either closing down that email account completely or together sending an email to the OW that is letting her know that ALL her emails are blocked. I know it's a pain in the ass to change email addy's but better to do that and let your friends know about your new one. Just don't use your name in the new one, maybe a nickname or something.

[StaringContest]

Treatment, your W sounds like a classy and amazing lady. You're lucky to have her. Don't forget that.

 

She picks up the phone and doesn't say anything, just hold on to it. The first call lasted at least five minutes.

 

Wow, that's insane.

 

I received three emails from the woman. I haven't opened them and don't think I will.

Don't. Either just delete them or tell your wife about them and that you want to delete them. It doesn't matter what they say. Reading them will only tempt you to reply and add to this OW's drama.

 

I've done what was suggested here and this morning blocked her from my email. Will a block send a message back to the sender or does that only happen if the account is closed?

As far as I know, there's no message to the sender to tell them their email is blocked.

 

We talked about going to marriage counseling. She's all for it and reminded me that she's asked me to go 2 or 3 times in the last few years. I was the one who said no. What a bum I am.

Smack yourself for that. Then start looking for counselors and be glad your wife didn't boot your *ss out the door already.

 

My guess is it will continue until you phone her, with your wife present, tell her that you have told your wife everything, you're sorry if she got the wrong impression but you are committed to your marriage and you would appreciate it if she would stop emailing and phoning you. Tell her if she continues to contact you you will consider it harassment and will file a restraining order.

 

This seems like a good idea, but I think I remember reading at least one post on the OW forum where the OW described getting this kind of call and how she "knew" he was only saying those things because his W was listening in and he wanted to appease the W. For some people, it doesn't matter what you tell them. They'll think what they want.

 

How many times do you really need to tell her it's over? I think silence will send the biggest message... except maybe this:

 

As for the OW, when she calls, your wife should just say "I know about you and my husband, and we'd appreciate it if you stopped calling, stop emailing." Then hang up the phone.

 

Also, don't email her to let her know her emails are blocked. That'll just challenge her to find another way to contact you.

 

Any communication from you will just drag things on. Ignore her and if she doesn't stop calling or otherwise trying to contact you, call the police.

 

Glad your W is willing to work things out, man.