silktricks Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 I really love her and much of the time I think she loves me, but so much of the time it seems like her career and her family take priority. I feel like I'm licking the back wheel. The OW gave you something you needed - attention. Is your wife's career giving her something she needs? Like maybe attention? Get thee to a marriage counselor, quickly!! Fix what's broke. I don't think I can advise you about telling or not. I've got mixed emotions, as I've got to admit that sometimes I wish my husband had never told me, but would have just fixed things. But most of the time I know that our marriage is better now than it ever was before, and I don't know that would have happened if he hadn't told me everything. Still the pain is excruciating and I feel very bad for your wife and what she's going to go through.
Author Treatment Posted September 5, 2007 Author Posted September 5, 2007 I don't think I can tell my wife now. Her mother died unexpectedly. It seems like it would be cruel to dump this on top of everything else. James, thank-you for the support, but I don't agree with you. I did do something wrong. I deceived my wife. I lied to her and had a relationship with another woman even though that relationship did not include sexual actions. It doesn't matter that the other woman was deceptive and had plans that I wasn't aware of the fact is that I could have and should have stopped long before I did. Had I been paying more attention to my marriage than to my own hurt feelings I wouldn't be in the pickle I'm in now. Jinna thank-you for the prayers. I am somewhat religious though have lapsed for many years. My wife has been wnating to attend church again and I have resisted. I believe that we'll start attending again this Sunday, as we're planning her mother's funeral for Saturday. Thank-you for the tip, though it looks like I won't be telling her at least not yet. I hope the other woman doesn't do anything. Silktricks, I hadn't thought of my wife needing something that she wasn't getting. Is your marriage really better from knowing about something like this?
IpAncA Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 Omg I'm so sorry to hear about your W's mother. I hope you and your family will get through this okay. And yes I'd hold off on telling her. Not the time for sure.
Jinnah Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 I don't think I can tell my wife now. Her mother died unexpectedly. It seems like it would be cruel to dump this on top of everything else. James, thank-you for the support, but I don't agree with you. I did do something wrong. I deceived my wife. I lied to her and had a relationship with another woman even though that relationship did not include sexual actions. It doesn't matter that the other woman was deceptive and had plans that I wasn't aware of the fact is that I could have and should have stopped long before I did. Had I been paying more attention to my marriage than to my own hurt feelings I wouldn't be in the pickle I'm in now. Jinna thank-you for the prayers. I am somewhat religious though have lapsed for many years. My wife has been wnating to attend church again and I have resisted. I believe that we'll start attending again this Sunday, as we're planning her mother's funeral for Saturday. Thank-you for the tip, though it looks like I won't be telling her at least not yet. I hope the other woman doesn't do anything. Silktricks, I hadn't thought of my wife needing something that she wasn't getting. Is your marriage really better from knowing about something like this? Yeah, I would probably hold off on telling her right now for a little bit. Be there for her and take care of her in her time of need. Church would be a good bonding place for the two of you, so that's great that you are going together this Sunday. Turn this whole situation over to God and rely on Him... He will help you (both) through these tough times... ask Him to show you the right time to tell her. Always remember the important lesson that you learned (you summed it up pretty well in your message to James). God #1, wife #2, and then yourself. I know it's not always the "popular thing" to be religious, but turn back to God (not only in your time of need, but always)... you and your wife will be blessed. I really care about the outcome of your situation... I know it will work out. P.S. My husband is religious, but in the beginning he was not too enthusiastic about attending church (didn't like waking up), but once we found a church we both really liked (the second one we tried after we moved) he stopped resisting and he really likes it... just thought that might help a little.
silktricks Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 I'm so sorry to hear about your wife's mother. I hope you both are doing well. You didn't say if you were close to her Mom, so this may be a loss for you as well? Regarding the question you asked, our marriage is better than it ever was, largely because we both dealt with a lot of outstanding issues. It wasn't that we hadn't attempted to deal with the issues before, but neither of us was listening all that well, if you know what I mean. When we both realized the depth of the problems that were going on we both opened up. But I realize that you won't be able to talk to your wife about what happened now. Anyway, Good luck.
Author Treatment Posted September 8, 2007 Author Posted September 8, 2007 Yesterday I was at the restaurant I go to most days for lunch. The OW was there with another man. She lives over 700 miles away from here. I was polite and spoke mostly with the man she was with, but left fairly quickly. When I checked my e-mail this morning there was a note from her asking me if I was all right. What was that about? Does anyone have any ideas? What do you think? Today is my mother-in-law's funeral. I cannot tell my wife now, but instead of thinking about her, I'm thinking about what's going to happen next@!
bestadvisor Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 Yesterday I was at the restaurant I go to most days for lunch. The OW was there with another man. She lives over 700 miles away from here. I was polite and spoke mostly with the man she was with, but left fairly quickly. When I checked my e-mail this morning there was a note from her asking me if I was all right. What was that about? Does anyone have any ideas? What do you think? Today is my mother-in-law's funeral. I cannot tell my wife now, but instead of thinking about her, I'm thinking about what's going to happen next@! Were there any jealousy when you saw her with another man? Were there any excitement when she text you to show you she cares? When you saw her, were there any "butterflies"?
IpAncA Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 Please don't start up conversations with her again. I don't know what she's up to (if any) but I'd hope your W doesn't get into your e-mail and see whats going on.
Jinnah Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 Yesterday I was at the restaurant I go to most days for lunch. The OW was there with another man. She lives over 700 miles away from here. I was polite and spoke mostly with the man she was with, but left fairly quickly. When I checked my e-mail this morning there was a note from her asking me if I was all right. What was that about? Does anyone have any ideas? What do you think? Today is my mother-in-law's funeral. I cannot tell my wife now, but instead of thinking about her, I'm thinking about what's going to happen next@! I think you are headed for trouble by even thinking these questions. This woman sounds desperate and up to no good. You should be thinking about your poor wife and mother-in-law right now! You are a good guy... don't change that about yourself!
Author Treatment Posted September 8, 2007 Author Posted September 8, 2007 Were there any jealousy when you saw her with another man? Were there any excitement when she text you to show you she cares? When you saw her, were there any "butterflies"? No jealousy, no excitement, no butterflies. Some relief that she was with a man, but amazement that she was there at all. As I said, she lives 700 miles away. Why would she go to a restaurant where she knows I go almost every day? Why is she here at all? Why with a man in tow and What the He!! would she ask if I was "OK?" in a later email?
Author Treatment Posted September 8, 2007 Author Posted September 8, 2007 Please don't start up conversations with her again. I don't know what she's up to (if any) but I'd hope your W doesn't get into your e-mail and see whats going on. My wife doesn't know anything about this e-mail account so she won't get into it. Believe me, I do NOT want to start up anything with that woman again. I'm just confused and worried about what she's doing. I thought maybe someone here would have some insights.
Author Treatment Posted September 8, 2007 Author Posted September 8, 2007 I think you are headed for trouble by even thinking these questions. This woman sounds desperate and up to no good. You should be thinking about your poor wife and mother-in-law right now! You are a good guy... don't change that about yourself! I'm asking the questions out of fear not interest. I'm afraid she is up to no good and am beginning to think that I never knew the woman at all. My wife always said that I didn't understand women but just thought I did. I'm beginning to believe that she has been right about that. I am thinking about my wife but I'm very afraid that this woman has something in her mind that isn't good. I'm wondering if I should try to talk to her. I told her over the phone that it was over. Do you think that maybe a face to face meeting would have more impact, where she could see my face? I'm worried about my wife finding out especially now when she's already so sad. There are people over, I need to get back to them, so may not be online for sometime.
bestadvisor Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 Whatever you do (including face to face to give a clear message), don't reply to her asking-if-you-are-OK email. You didn't reply, did you? By the way, you said that you will be in trouble, if your wife found out about those emails you sent to the other woman. What exactly contain in those emails? Love poems? Sex talk?
whichwayisup Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 The thing is, women are emotional and once the woman you befriended became too emotionally attached to you, throw in freaky behaviour on her behalf, boom! You have a receipe for disaster...All you can do is make sure you don't 'talk' to her anymore, and make it clear that the 'friendship' was inappropriate seeing as you're a married man. She emailed you because she wants ANY reaction from you. Do not email her back, especially if she already knows 'it's over' between the two of you.
whichwayisup Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 I'm wondering if I should try to talk to her. I told her over the phone that it was over. Do you think that maybe a face to face meeting would have more impact, where she could see my face? If you're just been communicating through emails, then continue to do that..NO calls. MAKE IT CLEAR to this woman that you're flattered she has feelings for you, but it is wrong and unfair to your wife, it's inappropriate for you to continue any sort of friendship with her now, even MORE SO since she broke up with her boyfriend. Tell her you feel that she's too attached to you and she needs to find a single man who can love and appreciate her. OK, something like that, not word for word...lol. Be firm, yet understanding...You don't wanna piss this woman off because she COULD very well react badly.
bestadvisor Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 If you're just been communicating through emails, then continue to do that..NO calls. MAKE IT CLEAR to this woman that you're flattered she has feelings for you, but it is wrong and unfair to your wife, it's inappropriate for you to continue any sort of friendship with her now, even MORE SO since she broke up with her boyfriend. Tell her you feel that she's too attached to you and she needs to find a single man who can love and appreciate her. OK, something like that, not word for word...lol. Be firm, yet understanding...You don't wanna piss this woman off because she COULD very well react badly. Totally disagree with the above post. The above message is a repetition of what you have already told her. She is looking for your "reaction", don't give that to her by simply ignore her email.
whichwayisup Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 I meant ONE email, not continue to email her....Just one, the reply back to her "are you all right" email...
bestadvisor Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 I meant ONE email, not continue to email her....Just one, the reply back to her "are you all right" email... What needed to be said was said and now he needs to follow up with action (or non-action in this case) by not respoding to her at all. The only concern he has is if she print out those emails and send/give them to his wife. I am wondering if those emails were love poes, sex talk or something similiar in nature. If not, he shouldn't worry much.
whichwayisup Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 The only concern he has is if she print out those emails and send/give them to his wife. Yes, I brought that up in an earlier reply too. Something could come back and haunt him if this OW goes postal and decides to spill all.
IpAncA Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 My wife doesn't know anything about this e-mail account so she won't get into it. Believe me, I do NOT want to start up anything with that woman again. I'm just confused and worried about what she's doing. I thought maybe someone here would have some insights. Just making sure this wasn't an e-mail she knew about. Maybe you should think about deleting it. That way the OW can't contact you. I honestly have no idea as to why she was there. My guess is that she was trying to get a reaction out of you or see what your W looked like. Maybe if she seen her the OW would have said something. Don't know...just throwing some thoughts out there as I don't know the OW personally. Maybe she's visiting someone and probably did go to that resturant just to if you'd stop by which you did. I am thinking about my wife but I'm very afraid that this woman has something in her mind that isn't good. I'm wondering if I should try to talk to her. I told her over the phone that it was over. Do you think that maybe a face to face meeting would have more impact, where she could see my face? I'm worried about my wife finding out especially now when she's already so sad. No don't contact her and delete that e-mail. She's looking for a reaction. Do not give it to her. You said it was over and that's that. It's time to move on. Do not keep the fire going.
silktricks Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 Yesterday I was at the restaurant I go to most days for lunch. The OW was there with another man. She lives over 700 miles away from here. I was polite and spoke mostly with the man she was with, but left fairly quickly. When I checked my e-mail this morning there was a note from her asking me if I was all right. What was that about? Does anyone have any ideas? What do you think? She's trying to reel you back in. From your description of the beginnings, she started very slowly asking you to do little things that didn't mean much, and then slowly increased the tempo. For some reason you were able to break the spell. She's trying to recreate that spell she had. She's trying to make you jealous by showing up at your restaurant with another man in tow, even if she's in town for another reason, I'd bet there's more than one restaurant in your town!! (By the way, you already made a mistake here by talking to her at the restaurant. You should have ignored her.) Then she sent you an e-mail asking if you were all right??? Well, of course she wonders if you were all right seeing her with another man. She's hoping that it tore you up. (Did it upset you?) Like everyone else said DO NOT reply to her e-mail. If you already have though, and have asked for a face-to-face meeting, as I believe you implied you were thinking of, I predict that she will decline meeting with you. This will be another ploy, thinking that it will make you want her all the more. She wants you to come after her. STAND FAST and do NOT meet with her. If sometime in the future you do end up telling your wife about this, meeting with the OW again will only give your wife more pain. Don't do it!!!
Jinnah Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 Please listen to me... stop this right now. Do not e-mail her, call her, and even more importantly, DO NOT meet with her. You are making it so much worse by considering this... you are going to start digging your own grave soon if you do not stop all contact. This is a desperate woman here. She will try anything. That is sooo unattractive. Yuck. The more you do, the more you are going to have to eventually explain to your wife, and the more angry and hurt you are going to make your wife! IS your wife number one or is this OW? I think your wife should be... is so, then you need to do what would make YOUR WIFE happy. If your wife knew everything right now, what do you think she would advise you to do? Meet with her? Heck no! I bet she would want ALL CONTACT to stop IMMEDIATELY. Do what your wife would want you to do if she is the most important of the two. Heck, your wife shouldn't even be in a spot to be classified with another woman, and you are making it so. You are at a crossroads here... don't go the wrong way... everything you do from here on out can have a major impact on the future of your marriage. Your wife may be willing to forgive you when you were unaware of how devious this woman was being, but she won't be so forgiving (if at all) if YOU choose to act further on this instead of walking away from it because now you know, and it's your choice. Make the right one!
Author Treatment Posted September 10, 2007 Author Posted September 10, 2007 Whatever you do (including face to face to give a clear message), don't reply to her asking-if-you-are-OK email. You didn't reply, did you? By the way, you said that you will be in trouble, if your wife found out about those emails you sent to the other woman. What exactly contain in those emails? Love poems? Sex talk? no love poems or sex talk, but definitely too friendly. Signed e-mails Love, I may have even said I love you (though I'm not sure about that). I've done my best to block it out, so am having some trouble remembering specifics.
Jinnah Posted September 10, 2007 Posted September 10, 2007 no love poems or sex talk, but definitely too friendly. Signed e-mails Love, I may have even said I love you (though I'm not sure about that). I've done my best to block it out, so am having some trouble remembering specifics. Why did you do this exactly? I thought I read in one of your posts that you also led her to believe that you were going to be separated from your wife as well. Are you wanting something from this OW? No offense, but you seem hooked too... please tell me I'm wrong... I would love to be right now.
Author Treatment Posted September 10, 2007 Author Posted September 10, 2007 Why did you do this exactly? I thought I read in one of your posts that you also led her to believe that you were going to be separated from your wife as well. Are you wanting something from this OW? No offense, but you seem hooked too... please tell me I'm wrong... I would love to be right now. Am I currently wanting something from the woman? No. Did I want something from her? Yes. She made me feel important and smart and all of the things that my wife hadn't made me feel for awhile. While writing her I began to think she was like the person my wife used to be before she got so distant and involved in work. Then I met with her a couple of times and realized that she isn't that woman. Would I have pursued a real relationship if she had been the woman I thought she was? I don't think so. I do love my wife. I was awfully angry at how I was being treated though so @#$%^&* I don't know maybe this whole mess was just a way of getting some revenge. I need to think about that. So much of what I said to the woman was innuendo. For example, when she began asking me where I was I answered that I was at our family cabin, knowing she would believe that I had left my wife. For me the whole thing was like a game. I started to get interested in seeing just how many strings I could pull. Nothing was real at all, especially I guess the fact that what I was doing could damage my wife and marriage. I do NOT want my wife to know about this, but at the same time feel that it isn't fair to her if I don't tell her. Or maybe I want to tell her because of how angry I've been. If this whole thing has been about my anger then what can I do to show my wife that things are better. And for that matter how can my wife make any changes if she doesn't know. How I've been treating her is a problem. How she was been treating me is also a problem. I don't feel loved by her in the way I used to feel loved by her. I want us to be the way we used to be. Both of us. But back to the question of the e-mail from the OW I received. I decided to attempt to meet with her and sent her a reply late last night asking to meet her face to face tomorrow. I really believe that if she just sees my face when I tell her that I want no more contact that everything will be clear to her. I expect that I will get a reply very soon and will let you know what she says.
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