Sheba Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 When faced with a dilemma like this where the right choice for your wife is so difficult to guess I would apply the "Golden Rule". Ask yourself if you would want to know if you wife had engaged in a similar relationship - all things being equal, including the fact it was not consumated and has been ended. Would you want to know? Why? Then treat your wife just as you would want to be treated.
whichwayisup Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 How is she reacting now that it is over? Has she tried to contact you through emails?
VirtualInsanity Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 Hi Treatment. Now that it's over, are you going to try & work on some of the things you mentioned you weren't getting from your wife?
JamesM Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 I am going to chime in with my opinion...only it is just going to be an agreement with Lakeside and Ladyjane. You have not fully engaged in an affair. Your thoughts may have gone there, but you have not. Your emails may have been extra friendly, but again, from what I read, you have not crossed the line. Apologizing for what may have happened would cause most all of us to be in trouble. I know I would be apologizing to my wife, and I am guessing that she may be to me, too. No, forget about this, and if for some reason, it comes back to haunt you, then simply tell the truth. You felt bad about the friendship and realized that it may have almost gone too far, so you ended it.
Author Treatment Posted September 4, 2007 Author Posted September 4, 2007 I guess the question is...are those two phone calls and those emails flirtatous or romantic in nature...what do you two talk about? As I've said a number of times. There is no more communication between us.
Author Treatment Posted September 4, 2007 Author Posted September 4, 2007 How is she reacting now that it is over? Has she tried to contact you through emails? Yes, she has. In fact she's getting quite insistent, which is one of the reasons I'm concerned. She's asked about my wife in the last two e-mails. I've not replied to any of them for the last month, but if anything they are getting more insistent and more often. I really am concerned about her telling my wifeabout our communication. I don't think its something that's going to just go away. If I tell my wife and the other woman never approaches her then its a lot of pain that could have been avoided for both of us. But if I don't tell my wife and she approaches her then my wife will feel even more betrayed I think.
Author Treatment Posted September 4, 2007 Author Posted September 4, 2007 if you pay money - you can get anyone's address and phone number. don't think it doesn't happen all the time. anyone i consider dating - i do a backround check on them before i even consider them a viable candidate. it will give you any info you want. what? I thought unlisted meant unavailable? She knows what town I live in but i didn't think she could get my address or phone number. I've looked myself up on anywho but I wasn't there. There are other ways?
Author Treatment Posted September 4, 2007 Author Posted September 4, 2007 Try showing your wife what you wrote and the replies if you think it would help... but not too soon... she might be too angry. It wouldn't help. What I wrote wasn't good.
Author Treatment Posted September 4, 2007 Author Posted September 4, 2007 Hi Treatment. Now that it's over, are you going to try & work on some of the things you mentioned you weren't getting from your wife? That's another problem. I don't know how to do that without telling her what happened and why. I know that she's tried to reach out to me, and I've pushed her away, and I know that I've tried to reach out to her and she's pushed me away. I really love her and much of the time I think she loves me, but so much of the time it seems like her career and her family take priority. I feel like I'm licking the back wheel.
bestadvisor Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 It wouldn't help. What I wrote wasn't good. Can you tell us what your wrote her? Does it goes near "I want to be with you" or "I can't stop thinking about it" ? By the way, usasearch.com and many other sites out there that allow you to pay $9.95 or something to get someone's address and home phone number. If she is smart or if she owns property, she can just go to your county's site and search you by your full name to see what property you own and there she will have your adress if you won property and she won't have to pay a dime.
whichwayisup Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 If I tell my wife and the other woman never approaches her then its a lot of pain that could have been avoided for both of us Better you coming clean NOW and taking the chance than the OW telling your wife in the near future. Tell your wife everything and how this OW made you feel - Superior, important and special...Tell your wife that you regret it all and will never do anything like that again. THEN, be an open book. Give her your cell number, access to any email accounts so she can check up on you. Make it up to her, prove to her that you are trustworthy and can be a better husband....Go to marriage counselling together, DO all that you can to listen to your wife, meet HER needs too. You have NO control over what the OW does or says...
whichwayisup Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 That's another problem. I don't know how to do that without telling her what happened and why. I know that she's tried to reach out to me, and I've pushed her away, and I know that I've tried to reach out to her and she's pushed me away. I really love her and much of the time I think she loves me, but so much of the time it seems like her career and her family take priority. I feel like I'm licking the back wheel. Tell your wife exactly this! BE HONEST and admit to her you've made some real bad choices and want you both to work together to make the marriage happier. You obviously BOTH have needs that aren't being met. She chose to focus on the kids and her career, you chose to get attention from another woman.
JamesM Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 what? I thought unlisted meant unavailable? She knows what town I live in but i didn't think she could get my address or phone number. I've looked myself up on anywho but I wasn't there. There are other ways? Yes, there are more. I could list them, but I am not sure it is necessary. One website can get addresses for you, but it is not always up to date. Go to zabasearch.com and see what info comes up under your name. This is free. As has been said, if she really wants to know, she can find out. I have said it before, but in this day and age, someone can find out everything about you with a phone number OR a name OR an address. And then it is easy to move on to SS# and more. I showed my wife how easy this works by telling her to remember the phone number someone gave at the cash register in a store. We went home and did some free research and came up with the name of the person, the age, any spouse(s), address, sometimes even children...and this was free. I have also found websites that gave dates of weddings, too. (yes, I have too much free time on my hands. ) If I really was into it, I could pay for services that would give me much more. However, I would not be as concerned about this in your case, but we no longer live in a private society. I would tell your wife exactly what happened if only for your own sake. You will be worried every day that you may be coming home to the news that you had an emotional affair...which was so close to a physical affair..or however this OW wants to spin it. The funny thing about people who have been rejected is that they will have their own spin on things, and it usually is not how you saw things. So, if I read what some people have done here after affairs...or said they would do, then I think it would be in your best interest to have your story in place.
JamesM Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 I really am concerned about her telling my wife about our communication. I don't think its something that's going to just go away. If I tell my wife and the other woman never approaches her then its a lot of pain that could have been avoided for both of us. But if I don't tell my wife and she approaches her then my wife will feel even more betrayed I think. Which risk is greater...her telling or you having to deal with the pain? You know your situation better than us, so if you are worried that she will tell...then you should probably pre-empt her story. However, if you think it may be that you are simply overworried right now, then maybe you can wait a bit until you are more comfortable telling. Personally, if it was me, I would probably error on the side of me telling first. The pain of your wife when you tell will be less than if she hears it from a woman who may think that your amrriage should be ended. If what you say is true....nothing beyond a close friendship occurred, then you have little to worry about. You became too close to a woman, but you backed off when you realized where the relationship was heading. Since you felt vulnerable due to feeling less close to your wife, you realized that this relationship would not be good for your marriage...and your marriage is the most important relationship to you.
Jinnah Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 Yes, there are more. I could list them, but I am not sure it is necessary. One website can get addresses for you, but it is not always up to date. Go to zabasearch.com and see what info comes up under your name. This is free. As has been said, if she really wants to know, she can find out. daplus (directory assistance plus) is another one where you can find people for free.
Author Treatment Posted September 4, 2007 Author Posted September 4, 2007 Can you tell us what your wrote her? Does it goes near "I want to be with you" or "I can't stop thinking about it" ? By the way, usasearch.com and many other sites out there that allow you to pay $9.95 or something to get someone's address and home phone number. If she is smart or if she owns property, she can just go to your county's site and search you by your full name to see what property you own and there she will have your adress if you won property and she won't have to pay a dime. I don't even remember everything I said. Those words are not words that would be mine though. Mostly I wrote strictly of what I did, never mentioning the presence of my wife with the implication she was not involved in my life or I in hers. I remember once I said I missed seeing her face at the place where I met her. She doesn't own property and she's most definitely not smart, but I guess that doesn't mean she has no smart friends. Or maybe she is smart in a way that I didn't expect. She certainly was smart enough to lay a trap that I walked into, and I was dumb enough to walk into it and completely enmesh myself in it. My wife and I started getting anonymous hang-up calls about a month or so ago. A lot of them. I never really thought about it before, but now I'm worried that maybe she does have my phone number after all and that the calls are from her. Now that I can see her for what she is many of the qualities that I thought were cute and innocent I see instead as conniving, deceitful and untrustworthy. I never even knew women could be that way.
Author Treatment Posted September 4, 2007 Author Posted September 4, 2007 OK. I see from your responses that it is possible for her to have not just our phone number but also our address. I think I have to tell my wife about what happened. I hope she'll be OK. Whatever happens to me I don't care. I just want her to be OK. I feel so bad about what I did to her.
Jinnah Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 ...She doesn't own property and she's most definitely not smart, but I guess that doesn't mean she has no smart friends. Or maybe she is smart in a way that I didn't expect. She certainly was smart enough to lay a trap that I walked into, and I was dumb enough to walk into it and completely enmesh myself in it. My wife and I started getting anonymous hang-up calls about a month or so ago. A lot of them. I never really thought about it before, but now I'm worried that maybe she does have my phone number after all and that the calls are from her. Now that I can see her for what she is many of the qualities that I thought were cute and innocent I see instead as conniving, deceitful and untrustworthy. I never even knew women could be that way. Yeah, it really does depend on how knowledgeable she (or her friends) are, and yes, some women are disgustingly manipulative, conniving, and deceitful. I heard a joke that said that's why satan tempted Eve (instead of just going to Adam)... he knew she would be manipulative enough to get Adam to do what she wanted. The hang-up calls have me concerned here... is your wife getting suspicious? That's a signal to a person that their spouse is up to something.
whichwayisup Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 Own up to everything. Get yourself to one on one counselling too so your wife can see not only in your words, but your actions as well, that you are making the big effort to fix yourself and the marriage. BE honest. Don't blame your wife, take responsibility for your part in your choice to seek attention from another woman, and with that being said, reaffirm your love for your wife and prove to her that you ARE worthy of her love and trust again...That you'll do ALL that she asks and needs you to do. Keep posting and we'll all help you through this.
whichwayisup Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 The other thing I just thought about, come clean about what you said in those emails. There's a good chance the OW definately kept all the email exchanges...
Jinnah Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 OK. I see from your responses that it is possible for her to have not just our phone number but also our address. I think I have to tell my wife about what happened. I hope she'll be OK. Whatever happens to me I don't care. I just want her to be OK. I feel so bad about what I did to her. If you are religious, pray for guidance first. Pray for your wife to understand. I'll pray for you two as well. I really do feel honesty is the best policy. Here's a tip: make sure you are completely honest in your story. Your wife will be paying attention to every detail you tell her... do not be surprised if she asks you to repeat the story down the line... women have good memories when it comes to what their husbands say, and even one inconsistency will destroy your credibility and make it 100x harder... she will think you are hiding stuff if she catches even one teeny tiny white lie. Trust me, I am pro at doing this to my husband. Sometimes I will let months go by and then I will casually bring something up (that I was unsure about) and see if his story is the EXACT same way he originally told it... if it's not there's some serious trouble ahead. Just another "woman trick" you should know about. My husband has learned that it is WAY easier to just tell the truth the first time, let me be angry and get over it, than to lie and deal with the original consequences, PLUS the consequences of lying (which are 1000x worse).
Jinnah Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 Listen to Whichwayisup. The lasts two post he/she made are extremely important!
JamesM Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 I'm a she...... Whew! One less worry! Just kidding...yes, I knew. Here's a tip: make sure you are completely honest in your story. Your wife will be paying attention to every detail you tell her... do not be surprised if she asks you to repeat the story down the line... women have good memories when it comes to what their husbands say, and even one inconsistency will destroy your credibility and make it 100x harder... she will think you are hiding stuff if she catches even one teeny tiny white lie. Trust me, I am pro at doing this to my husband. Sometimes I will let months go by and then I will casually bring something up (that I was unsure about) and see if his story is the EXACT same way he originally told it... if it's not there's some serious trouble ahead. Just another "woman trick" you should know about. My husband has learned that it is WAY easier to just tell the truth the first time, let me be angry and get over it, than to lie and deal with the original consequences, PLUS the consequences of lying (which are 1000x worse). Oh so true! I have been the receiver of such tricks. The more honest you are now, the greater chance that she will believe you. But remember that the words you use should be ones that show concern for her feelings. Certainly do not come across at all as being concerned about the OW. Yes, show some empathy for her, but all of your concern should be for your wife. And IMO, you have done nothing wrong. You have stopped the relationship before you crossed the line.
VirtualInsanity Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 That's another problem. I don't know how to do that without telling her what happened and why. I know that she's tried to reach out to me, and I've pushed her away, and I know that I've tried to reach out to her and she's pushed me away. I really love her and much of the time I think she loves me, but so much of the time it seems like her career and her family take priority. I feel like I'm licking the back wheel. That's where you both should sit down & talk. Either alone or w/ a counsellor. And IMO, you have done nothing wrong. You have stopped the relationship before you crossed the line. Yes I agree but OP you want the marriage to work so you DON'T cross that line in the future.
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