notsograceful05 Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half. I just turned twenty, he is still nineteen. We love each other very much and will be getting married (although there is nothing official, simply an agreement that it is something we both want) after college. However, there is an area that I have been developing a problem with and I don't think I can stand it anymore. He has a close female friend, they have been friends for about a year. They used to work together before college and now all three of us have started at the same college. My first problem with this girl is that she used to like him, she even told him "Be sure to let me know when you're single." Plus she messaged me and told me that "He's amazing. you're so lucky!" Ok fine, a crush I can handle. Actually several girls that he worked with had crushes on him, no big deal. But now they are close friends and it is killing me. He has had many many female friends, and I haven't had a problem with any of them. It doesn't bother me, I trust him. However, I have had a couple male friends and he doesn't like any of them. But when I mention that I have problems with this ONE girl, he gets upset. For example, one night I was hanging out in his room. It was a little after midnight and he sent me back to my room because he was so exhausted. Well I noticed he didn't text me good night before I went to bed so I figured he fell asleep before he could. When we got together the next today he said "Yeah, I went up to her room and hung out with her til about two am." That upset me. He shooed me away because he was tired but he wasn't too tired to go chill out with her in her room for two more hours. He brings her up in conversations all the time, he will reply to all of her stuff online and talk to her but if I email him or send him something he ignores it. When I ask about it he's like, "You'll be alright. No big deal." It may not be the biggest deal, but it still hurts me. A couple nights ago he didn't get off work until about two am. He had been talking all day about how tired he was and couldn't wait to go to bed. Turns out after he got home he went up to her room and hung out for another hour or so and had his first beer! I was pissed. Last night, he and I were going to do something important. She messaged him online and asked what he was doing. He said "nothing," so she asked if he wanted to come up to her room. He said "No I'm doing something with my girlfriend" and she goes "Grrr fine. Well you're coming out with me tonight. Right?" And he said "No I've got stuff to do." So she just says "Fine. Bye." When I got quiet he just said "God why are you getting upset about this?" I am glad that he turned her down. I would not have liked it if he had gone out partying with her, especially with just her and he's not a partying person! I suppose I have more of a problem with her than anything else. She is rude, she uses people, she sleeps around a lot and she isn't faithful in her own relationships. She really seems like she thinks she owns him. When we see her in public he's giving her hugs and it's like all of a sudden I don't exist. And I would hang out with the two of them but I can't! When I'm doing something and I get done, I can't get ahold of him because he's hanging out with her and won't answer my calls or texts when he is with her! He only hangs out with her if it's like two am and I'm in bed or if I'm busy. There has been one time when I got to join them and most of the time they were cracking up about their inside jokes and I felt very left out. But I try to talk to him about this and he gets upset. He just says "You don't have to like her but I don't want to lose this friendship." He is constantly making little jokes about how he slept with her or how she's great in bed and then swears up and down he's just teasing me. But he knows it upsets me. I keep thinking about it and I can't get it out of my head. I have never had this kind of fear about his friendship with another girl. But something in my heart and my gut feels that this is wrong. I know he wouldn't cheat on me. But it feels like he is much more attracted to her emotionally than to me. I'm so afraid that he's falling for her and that I'll lose him. Like he would rather spend time with her than me. And that kills me inside. I don't nag him at all, but when I try to talk about it he doesn't seem to care that I'm upset. HE KEEPS TELLING ME THAT THEY ARE JUST FRIENDS! HE EVEN SAYS THAT "OTHER THAN ME" SHE S HIS BEST FRIEND! Someone please give me some input. I'm tired of feeling so alone about this! Is it possible for a man and a woman to strictly be platonic friends?
Author notsograceful05 Posted September 2, 2007 Author Posted September 2, 2007 If Anyone Has Any Advice Or Any Opinions Of My Situation I Would Love To Hear Them! I'm Open To Anything!
sfsassy Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 If Anyone Has Any Advice Or Any Opinions Of My Situation I Would Love To Hear Them! I'm Open To Anything! Yes, I think men and women can be strictly friends. However, in this case, it seems to be that she wants him, and I think he loves you, but may be attracted to her. I think you need to have a heart-to-heart talk. Tell him how much you love him, want to be with him, etc, but that you feel like this this girl will eventually come between you two, and you don't want that. And if your guy was single, I thnk this girl wouldn't be SOOOO into him, because she seems to like stirring up trouble. I had a crush on a friend who had several girlfriends while I was crushing on him. I was nice to him but kept a certain distance. I mean we were good friends, but whenever we would hang out, I would always remind him his girlfriend could tag along. Sometimes they did, and they didn't, but I was never very touchy feely with him, or anything like that, and we had knew each other since middle school, so when an old school story would come up, I would tell the girlfriends the story, so they knew why we were laughing or whatever. And if she were decent, she would look for unattached guys. So just talk to him. Maybe if you can tell him if he wants to hang out with her, than you really want to be included. A few years ago, I was with my ex, and I had a work colleague who I knew had a crush on me, but also had legitamate reasons for having work dinners with me. Well, my ex would have found these really boring, so going with me wouldn't have been an option. So I just made it a point to remark to my colleague how happy I was with my ex, and funny things he had said, or places we had been. It worked, and he didn't bring up his attraction to me until after the breakup. (In this case, no deal, so, so, so not attracted to him, lol) Another word of advice is ask your guy not to go to his friend about stuff that comes up between you guys. The girl will NOT be impartial. Good luck, this sucks, but I think you can deal with it.
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