Ruby Posted September 2, 2007 Share Posted September 2, 2007 Hi I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now. We have had our moments but we always sort it out. One problem that cannot be solved (because he wont admit to it) is that when I arrange to go out with my friends he gets moody. He does not outright say he doesnt want me to go he just makes comments like "Oh lucky you" or "Oh Ok so i wont see you for 3 days as I have plans (which I know he doesnt have) Here is a recent example I arranged to go out with my friends last night, I asked him to come but he said no as it was on a boat and he didnt want to go, so i remind him on Friday morning that I am going out and he says "Oh I wont see you for 3 days" so I say that he could see me that night and he says he is busy. I have not heard from him since Friday ... I tried ringing him 5 times yesterday with no reply and he has not called today. The last time I went out he ignored me for 4 days as he said I can always get a babysitter for my friends but not when he wants to go out. This is not true, there has been times he has given me an hour to get a sitter and I say I cant as the notice is too short. I dont want people to tell me to leave him, I would just like to get advice on how to deal with this. He wont admit he gets upset when I go out so we cant discuss it as he denys it. Help! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ruby Posted September 2, 2007 Author Share Posted September 2, 2007 No advice today? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 2, 2007 Share Posted September 2, 2007 He's acting like a baby... Okay, obviously something is making him feel not so important to you...Hense the babysitter comment. Ask him what it is that really bugs him when you go out with your friends and why he won't go with you, ever. The silent treatment, acts passive aggressive, plays the martyr victim...(BTW, the silent treatment and ignoring is completely cruel and intentional! yuk!) He needs to stop doing that as THAT is what will ruin the relationship. How is the rest of the relationship besides this one issue? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ruby Posted September 2, 2007 Author Share Posted September 2, 2007 Thank you for replying. I have spoken to him regarding this silent treatment and all he says is that if i was that bothered I could have gone to his house to see him if his phone was off. It is now 2 days since i have spoken to him and his friend rang me earlier to speak to my bf as his phone was off. When I rang him back he said that my bf had called him back. He has obviously turned his phone off and keeps turning it back on to check messages. How do I deal with this? I really need help here! The only issue I have in this relationship is his childish behaviour that just happens out of the blue. Do you really think he does this out of insecurity? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ruby Posted September 2, 2007 Author Share Posted September 2, 2007 He also denies that he has a problem with me going out with my friends, yet he acts up in a different way every time I do! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ruby Posted September 2, 2007 Author Share Posted September 2, 2007 I could really use some feedback please? Link to post Share on other sites
ls707 Posted September 3, 2007 Share Posted September 3, 2007 Thank you for replying. I have spoken to him regarding this silent treatment and all he says is that if i was that bothered I could have gone to his house to see him if his phone was off. It is now 2 days since i have spoken to him and his friend rang me earlier to speak to my bf as his phone was off. When I rang him back he said that my bf had called him back. He has obviously turned his phone off and keeps turning it back on to check messages. How do I deal with this? I really need help here! The only issue I have in this relationship is his childish behaviour that just happens out of the blue. Do you really think he does this out of insecurity? sounds like an insecurity to me. Well; i know cuz i had to deal with this myself and i have figured out a way to not let it bug me anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Jinnah Posted September 3, 2007 Share Posted September 3, 2007 Well; i know cuz i had to deal with this myself and i have figured out a way to not let it bug me anymore. Well, tell her how! Link to post Share on other sites
Jinnah Posted September 3, 2007 Share Posted September 3, 2007 Give him an ultimatum (that you mean - don't bluff)?? Link to post Share on other sites
amber1 Posted September 3, 2007 Share Posted September 3, 2007 He is acting like a total brat! He wants attention and is punishing you for not treating him the way he wants you to treat him. To be honest, I don't know what you should do to make him stop. From my experience, ultimatums aren't good. They have usually caused a negative outcome. Then again, it might just have to be concerning the right issue. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ruby Posted September 3, 2007 Author Share Posted September 3, 2007 update: His friend rang my mobile at 6pm yesterday and I didnt hear the call, I noticed it on my phone at 10pm. I rang him back and he said he called as my bf's phone was off and he wanted to see if he was with me but that it was ok as my boyfriend had called him back. Anyway ..... I woke up at 9am this morning with my doorbell going and when i answered it was my bf, he said he had forgotten to take his phone with him the weekend. That is no excuse not to have called me as he could have used someone else's phone to call me. Then he proceeds to tell me that he got back from work the day before and fell asleep on the sofa at 6pm and woke up this morning. So I say "Oh you fell asleep all night and didnt wake up till this morning?" He said "yeah" So I say "So I guess you spoke to your friend in your sleep?" he then mumbles that oh yeah he spoke to his friend at 9pm. Strange how he was asleep all night one minute and awake then next! He asks me why I am being funny and I tell him that he does this ignoring thing every time I go out with my friends. He looks at me like I have struck him and stands up, tells me not to call him ....... and leaves!!!!!!!!! What the hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can someone tell me what that was about? Link to post Share on other sites
VirtualInsanity Posted September 3, 2007 Share Posted September 3, 2007 Not going to tell you to leave him but if you both considered marriage, consider your answer to that strongly. Ruby your looking for ways to make it go away & it won't unless he wants to. Sorry but he has control issues & that's not something a person can wish away. And since he denies it, no fixing will be done. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ruby Posted September 3, 2007 Author Share Posted September 3, 2007 To be honest I think I know in my heart that I need to end this! He does this all the time. It seems that 2 weeks cannot pass without this drama. And its always the same thing! Its like he punishes me with silence and then wants to walk back in and act like nothing is wrongand when I wont play ball he does the silent thing again. Plus he blatantly lied to me this time and I caught him out. I am really in need of serious feedback guys Please? Link to post Share on other sites
VirtualInsanity Posted September 3, 2007 Share Posted September 3, 2007 If you know in your heart you need to end it, that's all you need. Your not married to him. You owe him nothing & his behavior is unacceptable IMHO. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ruby Posted September 3, 2007 Author Share Posted September 3, 2007 Can you stick around and talk to me Virtual? I am feeling like I need to talk and I cant call anyone at the moment. Why do you think he does this? He has lost 2 families down to this silly behaviour. Why is he risking it with me when he knows I wont lay down and let him get away with it? Why did he do this in the first place? Link to post Share on other sites
VirtualInsanity Posted September 3, 2007 Share Posted September 3, 2007 Sure I can stick around. What do you mean he lost 2 families? Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted September 3, 2007 Share Posted September 3, 2007 Not much to say that others haven't said. He has a problem, he's not willing to admit it or deal with it despite your continued efforts. I suggest breaking up with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ruby Posted September 4, 2007 Author Share Posted September 4, 2007 He has lost his previous 2 relationships due to disappearing for days and ignoring his ex's. He does not acknowledge this. I amke him sound like a monster but he is not. He is actually a lovely man its only this that we have a problem with. I have just been reading up on the silent treatment and its one of the worst forms of emotional abuse. This is what he does to me but when I confront (which I do every time) he denies it and it makes me doubt myself. I came out of a long term, verbally abusive relationship. The abuse was evident and could not be denied. This silent treatment is slowly killing my love for him. I know in my heart he left his phone at home deliberatly to punish me for going out with friends and he will never admit to that. He called everyone else back who called him but me! Then he wants to come to my house like nothing has happened! Why does he do this? We get on so well and he knows I wont suffer this quietly Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ruby Posted September 4, 2007 Author Share Posted September 4, 2007 How do I finish it with him? He has told me not to call him and his phone is probably off. I cant suffer weeks of this silent treatment so what do I do? Link to post Share on other sites
VirtualInsanity Posted September 4, 2007 Share Posted September 4, 2007 Went through EA myself & TBH, never could figure it out other than their selfish, controlling, & don't care as long as the world revolves around them. Recognize what this man is doing w/ the silent treatment. You know what he's doing. It's stuipd, childish, & I'd look down on him for it. Ask yourself why a person would be so controlling everytime you went out? Normal people don't do this. He has told me not to call him and his phone is probably off. Can you call & leave a message? What's his silent treatment pattern? He has lost his previous 2 relationships due to disappearing for days and ignoring his ex's. And had good reason I'm sure. There's a reason why he's like this & I'm sure you don't want to be sucked up anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
bmctex Posted September 4, 2007 Share Posted September 4, 2007 I'm pretty sure of that cause I have been there many times in my life. Is he uncomfortable with you talking to other guys in his presence? Does he show any signs of jealousy? Do you have girlfriends he doesn't like? Particularly single girlfriends that want you to go out with them? On many occasions, in my life, when my girlfriend or wife, after I got married, went out with the girls I would being stewing all night. I would imagine guys coming on to her, her flirting back, getting drunk and letting things "go to far". Us guys have all seen girls, in otherwise committed relationships, do that on a night out with the girls. Most of us have had fun evenings with those girls. I'm a good looking guy, but a "nice guy" and not great at flirting in the bar scene. Guys that are good at it intimidated me and I hated the thought of them with her when she was out. I would be literally shaking with fear while she was gone. And I would "punish" her for putting me through that. I would be moody, withdrawn. Make plan to do things that I believed would make her feel just as uncomfortable as I felt. The key is to talk with him about trust. In his mind, if you stop going out with friends, everything will be OK. Help him to see that this is not true. Be sympathetic to the pain he his going through but don't change who you are or what you enjoy doing. Believe me, it is excruciating for him but don't let his pain set the standards for your behaviour. Make it clear that you are not doing anything "wrong" when you are out. The goal, for both of you, is a relationship where you both feel safe and secure with each other. That can never be achieved by letting fear dictate your activities. He needs to understand that this is his problem. While you are willing to help him overcome it, ultimately he needs to do the work. Counseling might help him, if he is willing. He needs to understand that the reward for his efforts is freedom from his fears. He has the power within him to do that and that nothing you do will free him from that fear. It's not easy to do but it is worth it. It is a concern that he is apparently not being honest with you by saying he does not have a problem with you going out. Honestly is critical for a healthy relationship. Sadly, if he is not willing to face his fears, honestly, then you need to consider ending the relationship. Don't threaten that, as a means of "forcing" him to deal with it. But keep it in the back of your mind. He might otherwise be a great guy but allowing his fears to control what you do will never give you the healthy, happy relationship that I'm sure you want and deserve. Wait for him to call you. if he doesn't...well then he is just not ready to face his fears and although it hurts...you are better off. You can't control him and make him get help anymore than he should control you to make you stop doing things that frighten him. I hope this helps and wish you good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ruby Posted September 4, 2007 Author Share Posted September 4, 2007 He never shows signs of being jealous, ever. He has no problem if I talk to other men (I never flirt in front of him) He has told me he does not have a problem with me goimg out with friends, I even invited him out this time but he refused! He is denying he ignored me, he is saying he left his phone at home and stayed at his moms. He has my number in his head so he could have called. He then lied about falling asleep all night. I dont know what to do I am so confused. He doesnt only ignore me when I go out, he also does it over really menial things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ruby Posted September 4, 2007 Author Share Posted September 4, 2007 One part of me wants to just ignore it and get on with things until he calls (probably in 1-2 weeks) and another part of me just wants to text or call him to tell him its over so that I have closure. The second option scares the life out of me as I love him and the first option will frustrate and annoys me beyond belief! Its like I cant do right for doing wrong! Link to post Share on other sites
bmctex Posted September 4, 2007 Share Posted September 4, 2007 It sure sounds like insecurity to me, anyway. Nevertheless, attempting to control you by punishing you and refusing to discuss your concerns is extremely immature and unhealthy. You need to stand your ground and insist that you want a mature, open and honest relationship....if not with him then with someone. Don't settle for less. You only have one life. Link to post Share on other sites
VirtualInsanity Posted September 4, 2007 Share Posted September 4, 2007 You need to stand your ground and insist that you want a mature, open and honest relationship....if not with him then with someone. Yes I agree. We only have one life to do this. Link to post Share on other sites
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