Lyssa Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 I know this is not 'the end of the world' problem but it's getting to me. I have a guy friend who I have known for 8 years now. He is a year younger and from day one we got to know each other (through mutual friend), I was told that he had a crush on me. We became good friends throughout this 8 years. In between those years, I have always been there for him whenever he needs advice on women, money, career and so on. About 3 years ago, my ex broke up with me and this friend of mine was there for me, apart from other friends. He was there for me to get me get over my ex, which didn't help much because my feelings for my ex were strong. Throughout the times he tried to make me forget, he told me that his crush for me grew stronger. That crush he had turned into strong feelings for me. I told him years ago that I do not feel the same way. About 2 weeks ago, before I left for my trip - he accompanied me to get my passport done and other stuff because he wanted to see me before I left. I thought nothing of it as I see us as only friends and I have told him so numerous time that I don't feel the same way. He would bring up 'how about you give us a try' issue and again, I tell him the same thing. He would buy me gifts even after I told him not to (when he sends the gifts over). He just got back from Singapore and wants to see me soon to pass me some gifts. Some women might like this but honestly, I feel so uncomfortable. I really do. Apart from all this, he would sms me and say things GF/BF say to one another and I would reply saying that he's making me uncomfortable with all this smses and buying me gifts. I tell him straight up how I feel but he is still somewhat obsessing over me. How do I get him to stop? Obsessions apart - he is a nice guy. Funny, smart and he is cute but there isn't that chemistry there and so often I tell him that one day he will find a great girl but he would turn it around and say "I don't care about other girls, I have you"... etc. Again I know this is not a HUGE problem but I would appreciate if anyone could help me out by telling me how I could tell him that I want this 'obsession' to stop. Should I stop smsing him - completely? The thing is, I don't sms him until he does, and usually I'd reply with straight answers. Please please please no bashing or rude comments because I really am not in the mood for any. Thank you in advance.
SoHotZanzibar Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 I think you should sternly but kindly end it. Obsessive friends can be real problems for you in the future. If you start dating a guy, this one may go nuts and get in the way.
Author Lyssa Posted September 2, 2007 Author Posted September 2, 2007 Hey SHZ! Nice to see you here. I am involved with someone now and he knows it but he thinks it is nothing serious as it is a LDR for now. He is already somewhat in the way! Trust me, I have been stern but kind in telling him to stop all the things he's doing but he doesn't seem to get it...
SoHotZanzibar Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 Nice to see you too lyssa. Well, if you have been stern, I would do NC and keep blowing him off. I think he is trouble
Yamaha Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 It is a huge problem, not for you but him. He probably thinks he is in love with you and he will hang around hoping you will change your mind. You have to decide if his friendship is more important to you than his happiness. You need to break away from him and let him live is life without you. It measns NC for a long time. It means making him mad and angry at you but you are doing it for him. He needs you out of his life is he is to have a life. It is harsh but it needs to be done if you care for your friend.
Author Lyssa Posted September 2, 2007 Author Posted September 2, 2007 Well, I have been stern. About a year or more ago, we did stop contacting each other. I think he was seeing someone or whatever. Then he started texting me again to ask how I have been - the whole thing. I replied and he told me he dated someone and it didn't work out. So I was there to get him over the girl and I even introduced some friends to him. The thing is, he kept comparing me to them. Not good. The thing is, he keeps telling me he IS in love with me. He said things like "I know this is a one way street and I can never have your love but do keep in mind that I will always love you and be by your side now matter how you treat me".... I don't know but that is kinda creepy! I know I will survive the NC but I am afraid that he might do something stupid??
Yamaha Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 Well, I have been stern. About a year or more ago, we did stop contacting each other. I think he was seeing someone or whatever. Then he started texting me again to ask how I have been - the whole thing. I replied and he told me he dated someone and it didn't work out. So I was there to get him over the girl and I even introduced some friends to him. The thing is, he kept comparing me to them. Not good. The thing is, he keeps telling me he IS in love with me. He said things like "I know this is a one way street and I can never have your love but do keep in mind that I will always love you and be by your side now matter how you treat me".... I don't know but that is kinda creepy! I know I will survive the NC but I am afraid that he might do something stupid?? If he texts you do not answer. If he gets a response from you it will just encourage him. He must have low self esteem ( by telling you no matter how you treat him he will be by your side ) and he has decided you are his GF ( even if your not ) and his life is all about you. You are not responsible for him and you can't control what he does but being there and talking and helping him through rough times just makes him want you all the more. You have to use tough love on him and decide that what you are doing is the best thing for him. It really is the only way to get him to see that you are not his and will never be.
Author Lyssa Posted September 3, 2007 Author Posted September 3, 2007 Okay, thanks guys. He texted me earlier to ask me out for breakfast tomorrow and I haven't replied. I don't intend to.
code five Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 Hey L... Well, all the responses are sound. It's no wonder I enjoy this board, such 'tell it like it is' attitude So my 2 cents... You have already made it perfectly clear to Mr. Friend he is in and forever will remain a Friend Zone occupant. He needs to accept it. If he truly cares for you, he's going to respect your feelings on the matter. You have known this guy for a long time. You probably have a good sense of how attached he is to you. If you have any vibe he could turn his feelings into a full blown obsession (an unhealthy one), then NC for sure. You did it once before. Personally, my thought is, go hook him up with one of your single friends He just needs to make a decision, either move on (hey, nothing says he cant hold on to his feelings, but he needs to 'hear what you are saying), or lose all contact with you. I would think a friend of 8 yrs knows the friendship is more important. I would. As for the gift giving, he needs to curb that. You have also made that quite clear. Now a minor gift, that's ok among friends. Anything major, say... diamond earrings - ok thats a bit overboard and the line is drawn. I don't think you need to pull NC with him as long as you have made it quite clear and he respects your boundaries... Afterall, you've known each other for 8 years - respect should already be there.
Author Lyssa Posted September 6, 2007 Author Posted September 6, 2007 Hey L... Well, all the responses are sound. It's no wonder I enjoy this board, such 'tell it like it is' attitude Oh yes, some people tell it like it is! You have already made it perfectly clear to Mr. Friend he is in and forever will remain a Friend Zone occupant. He needs to accept it. If he truly cares for you, he's going to respect your feelings on the matter. You have known this guy for a long time. You probably have a good sense of how attached he is to you. If you have any vibe he could turn his feelings into a full blown obsession (an unhealthy one), then NC for sure. You did it once before. As I have already told him so many times that he will always be in the Friend Zone, he somehow still tries to make it happen. Something more. It's getting to a point where I feel suffocated. Yes, I know NC should happen again but here's the thing, he doesn't have a lot of friends. He has colleagues but they are just that. They talk and hang out at work a lot but do nothing outside of work. I told him to do something with them, you know so that he has other activities. Personally, my thought is, go hook him up with one of your single friends He just needs to make a decision, either move on (hey, nothing says he cant hold on to his feelings, but he needs to 'hear what you are saying), or lose all contact with you. I would think a friend of 8 yrs knows the friendship is more important. I would. I have already introduced him to some of my single female friends. Guess what he did? Compared me to them and obviously they said 'bye-bye-bye' to him!! I do not like that. Gee whizz, I know some girls would find this all flattering but not me! As for the gift giving, he needs to curb that. You have also made that quite clear. Now a minor gift, that's ok among friends. Anything major, say... diamond earrings - ok thats a bit overboard and the line is drawn. If he ever comes up with a diamond ring or earrings - that's it... I'LL RUN!! Like crazy!!! He just got me a t-shirt from his trip and I told him.. "Dude, I told you not to get anything and that is what I wanted - nothing!" I don't think you need to pull NC with him as long as you have made it quite clear and he respects your boundaries... Afterall, you've known each other for 8 years - respect should already be there. I'm thinking of giving him NC but like I said, he has NO friends. I have asked him to ask a few girls out from his work place and also the girls who added him on his Friendster - they seem interested - but he keeps saying "I don't have the time" or "they're too young, or too-something"!!!
code five Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 Do what your heart tells you to do then. You can't feel sorry for him. He very well may need a dose of reality here. A t-shirt isn't that horrible. Well, as long as he picked em up for others as well... lol Bottom Line: Don't feel sorry for him. If he can't take the hint, and you are feeling compromised, then bye-bye friendship. Sad to lose it, but he needs to understand. Sounds like he is young and may need to grow up a bit.
Author Lyssa Posted September 6, 2007 Author Posted September 6, 2007 A t-shirt isn't horrible, yes but he only bought for me.. gggrrr...
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