She searches for "the one" and I am not it

[Rakasa]

Two weeks ago, my girlfriend of four years broke up with me. It really came out of nowhere and devastated me. One day things were normal and the next day she said it was over.

 

We had a caring and loving relationship and I expected us to be married in a year or two. Our relationship was challenged by being long-distance (1500 km) for the last 18 months, but we had basically survived this period and we were 6 weeks from being together in the same city again. Our normal pattern was to see each other for 1 week every 2 months. Difficult but manageable.

 

She had told me countless times over 4 years that I was "the one". But now she says she realizes I am not "the one".

 

Her complaint was the relationship lacked passion and emotion. This was not really true but yes, the distance between us had made the relationship a bit of a routine that required daily effort and took away some of the fire.

 

When we saw each other, we were happy, caring, and loving towards each other. But then for the next 2 months when we were apart, the distance prevented that closeness and emotion. I always loved her the same during the separation periods but I thought that the best way to get through this 18 month period was to keep emotions under control and not get burnt out and frustrated with the distance. I don't know how it would be possible to live with a roaring fire for somebody when you are not going to see them for 2 months - that cannot be sustained for a long time. But every day we spoke on the phone and sent 3-4 text messages so that we knew the other was thinking of us.

 

So I think these alternating periods of being together (growing closer) and apart (growing apart) for 18 months really took its toll on her.

 

I know if we were together again we could find that passion again but now she does not want to give it a chance. I tell her that we have the ingredients for a great long-term relationship (caring, loving, supporting, having fun together and having similar interests in life) but she seems fixated on this concept of finding "the one" which suddenly I am not.

 

My questions are:

1) do you believe that "the one" exists for people?

2) to those who have searched for "the one" have you found him/her?

3) ...or did you find somebody "good enough" and were satisfied?

4) am I wrong to think that my girlfriend (age 28) should not throw away a strong, healthy relationship that would probably have long-term success for her search for the elusive one?

 

As for myself, I don't believe in the concept of "the one" for somebody. I think there are hundreds of people out there with whom a person can build a loving, caring, and passionate long-term relationship IF you can find that person and IF he/she is not already taken by somebody else. I think when you find a person like that, you should hold onto it. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship.

 

I am just so sad that my girlfriend would end a 9/10 relationship in the search for a 10/10 relationship.

 

Maybe the real reason for her breaking up is not her search for the one but a fear of commitment, since in 6 weeks we would be together again and then marriage would be on the front-burner.

 

Also, the only other long-term relationship she had was for 3 years from 18-21 but tragically her boyfriend died in a car accident one day 7 years ago. I fear that she still thinks he was "the one" and she will never be satisfied with anybody else. Maybe that relates to her fear of commitment. Her image of the love she is searching for is frozen in time from that event - that of young, carefree love which is not so realistic for the long-term for adults in this world.

 

I really appreciate any thoughts on this because I am just very sad and I don't know what to do. I am definitely not pressuring her and have given her time and space. Thank you...

[cheesydippindoodle]

My questions are:

1) do you believe that "the one" exists for people?

2) to those who have searched for "the one" have you found him/her?

3) ...or did you find somebody "good enough" and were satisfied?

4) am I wrong to think that my girlfriend (age 28) should not throw away a strong, healthy relationship that would probably have long-term success for her search for the elusive one?

Yer i beleive in that although my "the one" is currently married to someone else!!!! I didn't search for him - i don't really thing you can you just connect when you meet & i certainly wouldn't dump a 9/10 in the slim hope of finding a 10/10 unless i'd already found him.

if you strongly beleive this girl is the one for you don't just let her go & have her alone time to get over you. i would wait till your back in her city if she isn't still single then theres your answer for why you were dumped. If she is single you should woo her back to your arms send her flowers & cards starting dating over again convince her you can be the one for her

[Rakasa]

the plans for us to be in the same city in 6 weeks were for her to come to my city (for one year she said she would) so if she does not come then I will not have the chance to be around her.

 

Also, she swears she is not seeing anybody else (which two other people who know who have verified), which would actually make all of this easier to understand and accept.

[tinke]

i am sorry to say, but for me, the LD relationship was a killer. we had been together several yrs. prior, and LD 3 yrs. with frequent visits. we, too, were to be together very soon.

 

i believe something happens when your love is not there on a daily basis, just to share and explore..one misses out on those little meaningful moments. those looks, touch, that keeps us connected. maybe she has grown apart, maybe she just needs time to think things over.

 

i personally do not believe in "the one", simply because i had found people highly desirable that i was not inititially attracted to at all. i was not particularly attracted to my ex in the beginning, but grew to love his personality, which led to the physical attraction.

 

can there be someone else she is preoccupied with? sorry!

keep posting...great support from LS

[Art_Critic]

Sorry that you are hurting.. keep posting .. things will get better for you..

 

She most likely does have someone in the lineup already and he most likely is already in her circle..

With your relationship being long distance , the distance eroded the intimacy that she required ( and most relationships require ).

 

The distance allowed her to realize that she no longer sees you in her future and she wants to go out and find " the one ".

 

At least she was honest with you and upfront with the breakup..

LS is full of people that go thru a breakup and are stunned when their ex starts dating someone new so fast..

 

They don't realize that it was coming and their ex didn't let them know what was up..

Your ex let you know what she was feeling before she hurt you further.

 

Try and not focus on " The One ".. that is really just a way of saying they want to try on someone new.. and for the most part people do this when they are young and in their 20's..

[Rakasa]

When a girl tells you (in her exact words) that I was a "perfect boyfriend" and I am "a great loving person" but she also says "I know in my heart that we don't belong together", what is going on?

 

I know I can't sit around waiting for her but is there any chance that she is in some confused phase and eventually her heart leads her back to me?

 

I just can't accept the fact of her closing her heart to me forever when we had such a strong bond the last 4 years. Hearts can change back again right?

 

Does anybody have any real-life success stories of this (a person leaving a good relationship and then coming back after some reflection and time apart)?

[tinke]

yes, and he left again!!

[AriaIncognito]

When a girl tells you (in her exact words) that I was a "perfect boyfriend" and I am "a great loving person" but she also says "I know in my heart that we don't belong together", what is going on?

 

I know I can't sit around waiting for her but is there any chance that she is in some confused phase and eventually her heart leads her back to me?

 

I just can't accept the fact of her closing her heart to me forever when we had such a strong bond the last 4 years. Hearts can change back again right?

 

Does anybody have any real-life success stories of this (a person leaving a good relationship and then coming back after some reflection and time apart)?

 

Rakasa,

 

My ex told me that I was "amazing" and that he wasn't used to being treated "like a king" and whatnot. Sometimes, people just don't find themselves to be deserving of this sort of thing, so they leave in search of what they think they deserve. Or, maybe they dont want to be treated like that. To each their own.

 

I had a very hard time understanding why my ex would give me up, considering he'd talk about how easy it was for him and I and how I treated him so well and such. But you know what, he left. He had no problems looking at me and saying "nah, I can do better" (essentially).

 

If someone does this to you, then f them, let them go try to find someone better. Meanwhile, you can move on and potentially find someone even better than them, someone deserving of what you were giving.

[Curious139]

I like your post Rakasa, it reads well and you ask good questions.

 

I had "the one" until 2 months ago so I understand how you feel. Bewildered in my case. I won't go into the details except to say that from her point of view she thought I'd given up on her - I hadn't but things were complicated.

 

Anyway my ex met a new "one" to my horror within two weeks of looking so I'm truely out in the cold now. I have my doubts about her new relationship but nevertheless they could be still together in 10 years time.

 

I think as you do that there are a number of people out there for each of us. Heck there are some really nice decent people right here on LS.

 

I also think that the sort of love-bond which lasts a lifetime between soulmates is rare. It is a random event and most of us settle for 8/10s or even less.

[Travis L]

Heck there are some really nice decent people right here on LS.

 

Wouldn't it be interesting if two people from LS ended up hitting it off and started dating... Where would they go if they faced relationship problems? Could be interesting...

--------'

 

Ok, now to your question #4, like you said she shouldn't throw a healthy relationship away for the elusive one. However, what is RIGHT for you, me, and most others on here is obviously not right for everyone.

 

Do not try and convince her of her wrong. You have to do what feels right for you but if you pressure her to see your side (9/10 is great) you will likely push her away even further. [You said in your last sentence that you are not pressuring her, good call]

 

It really sounds to me like she has lost the "in love" feeling and now sees you more as a friend. That's what the lack of passion statement meant for me when I heard it. While you may see your relationship as a 9/10, she most likely is on the other end of the spectrum (4/10 or lower). She probably doesn't want to throw away all she has where is she is now so she can move 1500km away for a year to be in a 4/10 relationship.

 

This doesn't mean she is looking for SOMEONE better (although she may have already found him), she may be looking for someone different (i.e. closer in distance) Not your fault, not her fault, it's the situation you've been dealt. Doesn't make it hurt less.....

 

While she may need space, I THINK too much space is the reason for the downfall... If I loved a woman, I might risk flying to where she is and speak face to face with her. Not a pressure filled meeting but a meeting of the minds. I might get reamed for this suggestion but I wouldn't be playing it safe if I were you.

 

Just my 2 cents

[johan]

The fact that...

 

now she does not want to give it a chance.

 

tells me you're wrong when you say that...

 

I know if we were together again we could find that passion again

 

My questions are:

1) do you believe that "the one" exists for people?

 

I believe you can find someone who you can spend a lifetime with. I don't believe everyone is destined to do so. I also don't believe people "deserve" it either way. Lightning strikes here and there. You can do some things that will increase your chances of getting struck, but there are no guarantees.

 

2) to those who have searched for "the one" have you found him/her?

 

Not me.

 

3) ...or did you find somebody "good enough" and were satisfied?

 

Not that either.

 

4) am I wrong to think that my girlfriend (age 28) should not throw away a strong, healthy relationship that would probably have long-term success for her search for the elusive one?

 

Yes, you are wrong. You are wrong to hang your happiness on her. You are wrong to argue with her heart. The one who wants out is always right.

 

I am just so sad that my girlfriend would end a 9/10 relationship in the search for a 10/10 relationship.

 

It's not a 9/10 relationship. It's a 0/10 relationship, because she said so. There is nothing you can do about that.

 

Maybe the real reason for her breaking up is not her search for the one but a fear of commitment, since in 6 weeks we would be together again and then marriage would be on the front-burner.

 

Maybe. But you're just speculating about the mysteries of her heart. If she can't explain to you herself, or chooses not to, then all you can do is guess. Just like everyone else here is guessing.

 

I really appreciate any thoughts on this because I am just very sad and I don't know what to do. I am definitely not pressuring her and have given her time and space. Thank you...

 

You're doing the right thing with respect to her. You should be sure to just keep leaving her alone for the indefinite future, which could extend to forever. Take care of yourself by trying to interact with others and by reminding yourself of what I said above. This relationship has no value if you're the only one who cares about it.

 

When you picture your perfect woman, it's a sure bet that a critical trait she should have is that she wants to be with you.

[Zapbasket]

Hi Rakasa, I don't know if I have any advice but I can say I really feel for you. I was with my guy for 5 years, over 2 of which were long distance; he moved actually a year ago tomorrow to the East to be with me and then broke up with me three months later. Since February there has been no contact, at his demand, and though just last week I sent him a short note, I fear I'll just receive silence in response and we really will never see each other again. I can identify with what you're going through.

 

Really I think long distance is a relationship-killer. Some couples do survive, and I think it's mainly luck in those cases, in that *both* people are tough enough to stick out the distance and then to stick out building up a life together in a shared space. Otherwise I think distance gradually erodes trust and connectedness. The erosion is imperceptible at first especially if you stay closely involved in each other's everyday goings on, but gradually it manifests itself in arguments borne from a discomfiting feeling of disconnectness. Togetherness builds confidence and trust in one another, and an overall sense of mutual well-being, to a degree that nothing else can. I think a relationship requires this kind of togetherness in order to mature enough to be ready for marriage.

 

As for the question of whether there is such a thing as "The One." Not in some fateful sense, I don't think. Rather I think it's just that it's very hard to meet people in general with whom you are truly compatible. For not only is it the *person* that has to be compatible with you, but the circumstances and timing have to be right to bring that person into your life in the first place. There are probably numerous "Ones" scattered all over the world for any one of us, and the one we dub "The One" just happens to be the One circumstances and timing enabled us to meet.

 

I'm sorry about your situation. Since mine sounds somewhat similar to yours, feel free to PM me if you want to "compare notes."

[D-Lish]

LD can kill a relationship.

 

The notion that absence makes the heart grow fonder is not true.

What happens is that you start to get used to your life without the person....

 

When that starts happening, you start reconciling with the distance, then condition yourself to move on.

 

No such thing as one perfect person.

There are milions of people on the face of the earth.... So many options.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Why dont you just let her go.

 

I mean if your not the one to her , What's there to argue about?

 

What's there to get mad about?

 

Dont stand in her way, let her go.

 

But once you do, dont be her friend. Dont be her aquaintaince.

 

Move on with your life.

 

**** sucks right now I know that.

 

But if she comes back then fine take her back. but make her work for it. If you are a prize as you know yourself to be , make her work to get back in her good graces.

 

And if she doesnt come back then fine. There's more fish out there in the sea.

 

Right now your probably going through shock. but that will pass.

 

You'll get through this, be strong and go NC.

[Hold_On]

Two weeks ago, my girlfriend of four years broke up with me. It really came out of nowhere and devastated me. One day things were normal and the next day she said it was over.

 

We had a caring and loving relationship and I expected us to be married in a year or two. Our relationship was challenged by being long-distance (1500 km) for the last 18 months, but we had basically survived this period and we were 6 weeks from being together in the same city again. Our normal pattern was to see each other for 1 week every 2 months. Difficult but manageable.

 

She had told me countless times over 4 years that I was "the one". But now she says she realizes I am not "the one".

 

Her complaint was the relationship lacked passion and emotion. This was not really true but yes, the distance between us had made the relationship a bit of a routine that required daily effort and took away some of the fire.

 

When we saw each other, we were happy, caring, and loving towards each other. But then for the next 2 months when we were apart, the distance prevented that closeness and emotion. I always loved her the same during the separation periods but I thought that the best way to get through this 18 month period was to keep emotions under control and not get burnt out and frustrated with the distance. I don't know how it would be possible to live with a roaring fire for somebody when you are not going to see them for 2 months - that cannot be sustained for a long time. But every day we spoke on the phone and sent 3-4 text messages so that we knew the other was thinking of us.

 

So I think these alternating periods of being together (growing closer) and apart (growing apart) for 18 months really took its toll on her.

 

I know if we were together again we could find that passion again but now she does not want to give it a chance. I tell her that we have the ingredients for a great long-term relationship (caring, loving, supporting, having fun together and having similar interests in life) but she seems fixated on this concept of finding "the one" which suddenly I am not.

 

My questions are:

1) do you believe that "the one" exists for people?

2) to those who have searched for "the one" have you found him/her?

3) ...or did you find somebody "good enough" and were satisfied?

4) am I wrong to think that my girlfriend (age 28) should not throw away a strong, healthy relationship that would probably have long-term success for her search for the elusive one?

 

As for myself, I don't believe in the concept of "the one" for somebody. I think there are hundreds of people out there with whom a person can build a loving, caring, and passionate long-term relationship IF you can find that person and IF he/she is not already taken by somebody else. I think when you find a person like that, you should hold onto it. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship.

 

I am just so sad that my girlfriend would end a 9/10 relationship in the search for a 10/10 relationship.

 

Maybe the real reason for her breaking up is not her search for the one but a fear of commitment, since in 6 weeks we would be together again and then marriage would be on the front-burner.

 

Also, the only other long-term relationship she had was for 3 years from 18-21 but tragically her boyfriend died in a car accident one day 7 years ago. I fear that she still thinks he was "the one" and she will never be satisfied with anybody else. Maybe that relates to her fear of commitment. Her image of the love she is searching for is frozen in time from that event - that of young, carefree love which is not so realistic for the long-term for adults in this world.

 

I really appreciate any thoughts on this because I am just very sad and I don't know what to do. I am definitely not pressuring her and have given her time and space. Thank you...

 

I believe that there are many people out there that can be the one. This I believe because I know that people can fall in love more than once and can get married more than once...I think that the one you marry is the one for you.

 

I understand the hurt and the pain...breakups are painful...the confusion, the whys....what a mess our heart leaves us in...

[Rakasa]

Wouldn't it be interesting if two people from LS ended up hitting it off and started dating... Where would they go if they faced relationship problems? Could be interesting...

--------'

 

Ok, now to your question #4, like you said she shouldn't throw a healthy relationship away for the elusive one. However, what is RIGHT for you, me, and most others on here is obviously not right for everyone.

 

Do not try and convince her of her wrong. You have to do what feels right for you but if you pressure her to see your side (9/10 is great) you will likely push her away even further. [You said in your last sentence that you are not pressuring her, good call]

 

It really sounds to me like she has lost the "in love" feeling and now sees you more as a friend. That's what the lack of passion statement meant for me when I heard it. While you may see your relationship as a 9/10, she most likely is on the other end of the spectrum (4/10 or lower). She probably doesn't want to throw away all she has where is she is now so she can move 1500km away for a year to be in a 4/10 relationship.

 

This doesn't mean she is looking for SOMEONE better (although she may have already found him), she may be looking for someone different (i.e. closer in distance) Not your fault, not her fault, it's the situation you've been dealt. Doesn't make it hurt less.....

 

While she may need space, I THINK too much space is the reason for the downfall... If I loved a woman, I might risk flying to where she is and speak face to face with her. Not a pressure filled meeting but a meeting of the minds. I might get reamed for this suggestion but I wouldn't be playing it safe if I were you.

 

Just my 2 cents

 

I think Travis made a good point here. Normally a relationship involves people seeing each other on a frequent basis. When things go south, no contact is normally a good option. However, in this long-distance relationship, I agree that there might have been TOO much space given to the relationship. She has learned to live without me. Nothing will change this process if I simply stop communicating with her, i.e. she will continue to live without me and be comfortable doing so. Less contact than before surely can't change things.

 

I think I need to take a flight to go see her in the next week or two. Maybe there is a way to reignite a small spark that can over time turn into a fire again. Seeing each other face to face seems like the only way to do that.

 

If I do this, I would not beg or plead. I just want to talk. I want to look in her eyes, hug her, and then maybe she feels something again. I feel like I need to try something. Otherwise a good relationship of 4 years would just fade away and I would probably always regret not trying to at least see her and rekindle something, if there is any hope. It surely won't happen over the phone from 1500km away. A 4 year relationship should not end with a phone call, it should be conclude in person. Last time I saw her, 2 months ago, everything was normal (it appeared) and we cried and kissed at the airport and said "see you in 2 months". I don't want that to be the last time I ever see her.

 

To reiterate, she swears there is nobody else and I believe her. She just lost interest in this relationship - neither of us really did anything wrong. I just think seeing each other again is the only chance. Any thoughts?

[Travis L]

I think I need to take a flight to go see her in the next week or two. Maybe there is a way to reignite a small spark that can over time turn into a fire again. Seeing each other face to face seems like the only way to do that.

 

If I do this, I would not beg or plead. I just want to talk. I want to look in her eyes, hug her, and then maybe she feels something again. I feel like I need to try something. Otherwise a good relationship of 4 years would just fade away and I would probably always regret not trying to at least see her and rekindle something, if there is any hope. It surely won't happen over the phone from 1500km away. A 4 year relationship should not end with a phone call, it should be conclude in person. Last time I saw her, 2 months ago, everything was normal (it appeared) and we cried and kissed at the airport and said "see you in 2 months". I don't want that to be the last time I ever see her.

 

To reiterate, she swears there is nobody else and I believe her. She just lost interest in this relationship - neither of us really did anything wrong. I just think seeing each other again is the only chance. Any thoughts?

 

Well you've already heard what I think but I just want to touch on a few points that you made.

 

I really believe that this is your best option. I think a lot of times we (people on LS) auto-jump to doing low contact (NC is really used for healing and not reconciliation) for reconciliation. Why? Because 99% of the time it is the best option. Giving the ex time to see what it is like to be without you can lead to them missing you. It gives them the space to think about everything... Your case, I believe, falls into the 1% where low contact is not going to work. Why? Because low contact was probably the down fall of the relationship.

 

From your post it appears that you will be prepared for the worse case scenario. Truth is that it is really going to hurt you if you travel all that distance only to get the same thing told to you again. Just keep in mind that you really must go into this being prepared for her to not even give you a chance to talk. What do you have to lose? Well, the cost of the plane ticket and possibly receiving more bad news (i.e. she is with someone else already). This is a huge risk but if I were in your shoes I would always regret not trying.... Even if the worse case scenario transpired, you will at least have the satisfaction of knowing that you did all you could do and that it just failed, with no fault on either side...

 

Another thing to keep in mind...if the distance really was the down fall of the relationship, what is going to happen when you get on the plane and go back to where you are now? If distance really is the killer, then going there once more might not be enough...just delay the inevitable. Can either you move back or her move to where you are if you decide to work on things?