AgentK Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 Hi everyone. It's 6:49a and I have not gone to bed as yet because I can't sleep. As I stated, I have no more will left to put into my marriage. Atlas didn't hold up the world forever. Here's the rundown. I was an athlete all my life, ran track, and played JV and Varsity basketball in HS and college until I fractured my ankle. That is to say, I was in good shape with a nice physique. I had lots of girl admirers but was raised Baptist with the "mission" to find the 'right' girl. As a result, I didn't date as much as I could have with all the admirers I had. Mom NEVER aproved of any of my GF so I started dating behind her back which increased the number of girls I went out with. I managed to pick some "winners" along the way. Fast forward and I joined the workforce and met my wife at a the company I was working at the time. She was a "good fit" against my list (short, healthy body, beautiful, intelligent, etc.) She had short hair which I preferred longer but it was nbd. We started dating and everything was great, we shared interests and even ended up having mutal friends. The relationship was hot n heavy and I ended up moving in with her and her mother because my place was damaged in a hurricane. I like her mom but we can't live together and she always took her mothers side which made things a little tense. We decided it best to get our own place. All was well, relationship was great, we had sex 3x a week or more and she was open to try new positions, etc. I'm very affectionate and will make physical contact all day (holding hands, arm around, stroke hair, massage, etc) and she would return the affection. We dated for 4 years and she started applying "the pressure" and that culminated in an ultimatum of "propose by Dec 31st or I'm gone." I did NOT appreciate that but everything was going well and I proposed on Xmas. Apparently those stories about marriage and transformations are true. She started leaving without kissing me goodbye everytime. Random hugs stopped. In the car she wouldn't put her hand on top of mine anymore. On the couch she would sit like a guest, etc. I brought this up and she dismissed it like I was crazy. Sex slowed to 1 a week or so and now only missionary. She started getting sloppy around the house (which I hate and again I brought this up (kindly, funny, sarcasticly, angrily, etc.) and again nothing really happened. I played basketball, soccer, and ran several times a week but she stopped going to the gym. 10 pounds, 20 pounds, etc. she started letting herself go (+50lbs) and again I brought this up in all different manners but no avail. Sex was every other week. She got pregnant and had my daughter. Sex was now every other month (If that blue moon was there). I'd have my parents take the baby but she would turn down sex (classic "tired", "mood", "not feeling it", excuses) We started fighting all the time almost everyday. I would just leave the apt cause she wouldn't back off. We separated for a few weeks and talked everything out. In reality I squelched all my feelings so there would be no fights and this worked. Of course the same issues with the sloppiness persisted and got worse after the baby as did the "letting go" (+100lbs!) Now it's 4 years later and we've been together 10 years total. Sex is a memory, and even if she wanted it, I'm not so attracted to her currently. We basically live like room mates and now financial issues have crept in because even though she has a masters degree and works as a manager, she's one of te 'dumbest' smart people I know. I say this because she "loses" track of our money leaving us with unpaid bills and I have to do crazy s*** to keep us on track. Again I talked to her about this and it was dismissed regardless of proof at the bank. (she "won't" turn over the finances.) I was in a car accident last year and have been struggling with herniated discs in my back which make daily activities difficult (including chores). I can still have sex somewhat as that 'one' time in many months, she got pregnant again and I am having a son in 2 weeks. Recently I've found myself with huge caches of rage welling up and have broken a thing or two around the house. On top of everything, she makes little comments like "idiot", or "useless s.o.b", "good for nothing" which really hurt because I've been struggling to maintain my life with the back pain and it's not easy. This pain also causes me additional stress at work but I have a pretty high IQ and am at the top of my field (IT). I had unsupportive parents growing up with regard to my future and she knows this but makes those comments anyway. I don't sleep well anymore. I stay at work longer than normal to delay coming home even though I can't wait to see my little girl. Worse is I have no one to talk to since all our friends and family think the world is round when really there's this huge abyss at the end. I don't know how much longer I can push on.... (sorry for the length, I needed to get that out)
cheesydippindoodle Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 Did you jump into my memory & steal a piece of my past????!!!! Your story sounds so much like mine to be honest I think hundreds of others would agree marriage/relationship rarely stay as fresh as the day they were born, that's where the talking comes in neither of you are being fair to yourselves or your children. i know you will love your wife but are you still "in love" with her??? Do you still have passion for her in your heart, What i would of suggested was you sit down & talk suggest a fresh start write each other a list of what they miss you doing/saying & what they would like you to stop doing/saying swap them & try not to do the things they don't like & do 2 or 3 things they do each day, a break away might also help although the inpending arrival of the baby is going to put a massive strain on your situation i suspect. Although if she is prepared to open up to you once again this could also be the time to turn things around make the first moves to be extra nice & make a fuss of her as much as possible. do silly things to make her laugh write her notes tell her you love her give her compliments this may get shunned at first but keep trying you may well break through. try to bite your tongue & don't get angry if she says or does something nasty (really hard i know but worth a try) turn it round & say to her thats not very nice tell her she's hurting yor feelings yer make her feel guilty. Ask yourself are you doing all you could be for her I guess you may feel well why should i - i'm not appreciated but some1 has to make the first move to save your marriage
Mr. Lucky Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 Your post reminds me of the old saying about 3 sides to every story - your side, her side and what really happened. Every part of your post is filtered through its effect on you. How did things affect your marriage? How did they affect your wife? Seems a little one-sided... Mr. Lucky
Ladyjane14 Posted September 3, 2007 Posted September 3, 2007 Your post reminds me of the old saying about 3 sides to every story - your side, her side and what really happened. Every part of your post is filtered through its effect on you. How did things affect your marriage? How did they affect your wife? Seems a little one-sided... Mr. Lucky So far, I'm in agreement with Mr. Lucky. It all seems a little one-sided... with plenty of finger-pointing to boot. I'd have to hear more before I could comment on the marriage. I do recommend that you see your doctor for a depression screening though. Chronic pain can be causal. Are you following your doctor's treatment plan for the back injury?
Author AgentK Posted September 3, 2007 Author Posted September 3, 2007 Your post reminds me of the old saying about 3 sides to every story - your side, her side and what really happened. Every part of your post is filtered through its effect on you. How did things affect your marriage? How did they affect your wife? Seems a little one-sided... Mr. Lucky I don't know what other information you need. I used to try to have sex using every trick I knew, sensual massage, flowers, candy, night out on the town, titillating her 'hot spots', silk boxers, wearing towel after shower, even pure oral for her, but she would say she wasn't in the mood. (all these things worked well before we were married.) I used to try but now I know longer bother as it makes no sense to get all worked up for nothing. I try to maintain a healthy diet (low sodium, no mayo, oils, fats, etc) and I did get a small spare tire as my activity slowed but I'm working to maintain 190-195 which is about 10lbs over my ideal weight. She likes fried greasy foods and doesn't do any exercise to counter the effects. She's 100lbs heavier than before we were married. I don't see how this could be my fault? As for the sloppiness, I just keep cleaning up behind her and no longer discuss it because nothing changes and we end in a fight. With my back, chores are excruciating, but I do it anyway since we can't afford housekeeping. Is this because of something I did? She always controlled the finances and I was fine with that until we started coming up short and missing payments, etc. I tried to discuss with her what's going on but she tells me that she deals with finances all day yadda-yadda-yadda. So now I keep some cash in my personal account to keep things on track. How can I change this? I don't know what other side to say, she says that she's not intimate because the romance is gone and I say what about all the times before the baby when I'd take her out on Friday's for dinner and a movie or dinner and dancing and got nothing for my efforts. Or bring flowers from the guy that sells them in my building and she says their pretty and doesn't even put them in water? I'm still making payments on a 1½ ct. diamond heart necklace, and 18K heart anklet that she doesn't even wear anymore. I've asked her why she doesn't wear them and she says because they don't go with her work outfits? (of course I'm still paying on her 1½ ct. wedding set too) Am I a bad husband or something? Is there something else I could have done or could be doing? I'm really lost. I've thought about leaving but I would never leave my daughter and now my son will be here soon. If there's more information needed, please ask and I will tell. Thx
VIP Posted September 3, 2007 Posted September 3, 2007 If you are determined to stay, then you will have to deal with it for the rest of your life.
Ladyjane14 Posted September 3, 2007 Posted September 3, 2007 I don't know what other information you need. I used to try to have sex using every trick I knew, sensual massage, flowers, candy, night out on the town, titillating her 'hot spots', silk boxers, wearing towel after shower, even pure oral for her, but she would say she wasn't in the mood. (all these things worked well before we were married.) I used to try but now I know longer bother as it makes no sense to get all worked up for nothing. There's nothing that turns a woman off more than feeling like her man is all about her 'goodies' rather than all about her. None of this would have worked if your AIM was to get sex from her. It lacks emotional intimacy when there's motive present. I try to maintain a healthy diet (low sodium, no mayo, oils, fats, etc) and I did get a small spare tire as my activity slowed but I'm working to maintain 190-195 which is about 10lbs over my ideal weight. She likes fried greasy foods and doesn't do any exercise to counter the effects. She's 100lbs heavier than before we were married. I don't see how this could be my fault? Does this 100lbs include the 8.5 month pregnancy? Regardless, sometimes people pack on the pounds, comforting themselves with food, when they don't feel good about themselves. So.. no, it's not your fault. But if she feels you are judging her, it just makes her feel worse and eat more. As for the sloppiness, I just keep cleaning up behind her and no longer discuss it because nothing changes and we end in a fight. With my back, chores are excruciating, but I do it anyway since we can't afford housekeeping. Is this because of something I did? There are several possibilities for why she doesn't keep up the house. She might not like doing housework. She might feel that spending time with her child is a bigger priority. She might have at some point felt that her efforts weren't appreciated anyway. She might be suffering from a depression that causes her to feel lethargic. She might just have a different view of what's neat enough. Hell, it could be anything. But again, criticism won't budge her. She always controlled the finances and I was fine with that until we started coming up short and missing payments, etc. I tried to discuss with her what's going on but she tells me that she deals with finances all day yadda-yadda-yadda. So now I keep some cash in my personal account to keep things on track. How can I change this? How the finances are handled varies from couple to couple. I do think that both individuals need to be happy with whatever method they arrive upon though. You might try POJA. Type into your browser, "the policy of joint agreement, marriagebuilders", and read the article you find there. "Enthusiastic" agreement is the key. I don't know what other side to say, she says that she's not intimate because the romance is gone and I say what about all the times before the baby when I'd take her out on Friday's for dinner and a movie or dinner and dancing and got nothing for my efforts. Or bring flowers from the guy that sells them in my building and she says their pretty and doesn't even put them in water? I'm still making payments on a 1½ ct. diamond heart necklace, and 18K heart anklet that she doesn't even wear anymore. I've asked her why she doesn't wear them and she says because they don't go with her work outfits? (of course I'm still paying on her 1½ ct. wedding set too) What might seem "romantic" to you isn't ROMANCE unless she perceives it as such. Frankly, a guy could take me out and buy me things, but it wouldn't mean squat to me if I perceived it as a ploy to get into my knickers. It sounds to me like this woman doesn't KNOW in her heart of hearts that you love her. And even though there's only these two posts to go on... it doesn't appear that you do. Emotionally Intimacy is a feeling of partnership and friendship that supersedes all of life's little daily challenges. It's knowing you have a BEST FRIEND, someone who prioritizes you on the same level as they do themselves. In order to repair the marriage, I think you two need to become emotionally intimate again, to be partners, team-mates, friends. You need to identify and fulfill each other's Emotional Needs. A good start would be books like His Needs / Her Needs by Harley and The Five Love Languages by Chapman. Sometimes when your partner has become emotionally withdrawn, it's difficult to make a new connection. Perseverance can be the key here.
Mr. Lucky Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 If there's more information needed, please ask and I will tell. Thx What if you found this post? "My husband and I dated for 4 years before we were married. Things were great while we were dating but, after marriage, he became very clingy and jealous. He's also very critical of how I look and what I do. I'm pregnant with one child and we also have another little girl and I'm exhausted after caring for her all day but he explodes if the house isn't clean when he comes home. Even though he does nothing but criticize me, he expects sex at the drop of a hat. He even thinks my body should look the same after two pregnancies, always rubbing in my face that he's in better shape than I am. Last year he was in a car accident and has been even more moody and difficult to deal with since then. He has broken several things around the house in fits of rage and I'm afraid my daughter and I are next. I'm writing this at 6:49a and I have not gone to bed as yet because I can't sleep. As I stated, I have no more will left to put into my marriage. Atlas didn't hold up the world forever." I could go on but hopefully you get the idea. You're not looking at how things affect "us", you're looking at the effect on "you" Mr. Lucky
Author AgentK Posted September 5, 2007 Author Posted September 5, 2007 I could go on but hopefully you get the idea. You're not looking at how things affect "us", you're looking at the effect on "you" Mr. Lucky Well as stated "WE" are basically room mates. The sloppy house doesn't bother HER (when it did before, or a least appeared to), and SHE is apparently fine without sex (when she used to initiate), SHE also doesn't seem to mind/care that she's dangerously close to possibly having health issues as a result of her weight (when she used to eat healthier and excersize before on her own) SHE doesn't wear the jewelry I (busted my ass) to buy (when she used to say how she loved jewelry and we would window shop sometimes, and I'd make a mental note of what she liked and go back and buy it (or close to) for her as a birthday/x-mas/anniversary present.) No matter what I've tried, I've been met with apathy. I mean when we were dating it was great. We enjoyed time together at home, doing the same activities, as well as out on the town. She was joyous with all the things I did for her (dinners, shows, gifts, etc) and would be passionate all on her own. After we were married, I did the same things as before only she was apathetic with regards to how I was feeling. It really started bothering me when I would tell her "I love you" and she would respond "Me too" or "Umm-hmm". ??? I wasn't going to make her say it nor was I going to say "Hey, you didn't say I love you back". I'm an adult, not a 5th grader. I would ask her "Baby, I'm making a salad/(insert other healthier food), do you want me to make you some?" and she would say that she didn't want/feel like a salad/healthy food. Or "I'm going for a walk/jog/run why don't you come too". and she would say she doesn't feel like it/too hot/too tired, etc.) so of course nature took it's course. This is how I addressed the issue. I *never* told her she was fat or otherwise commented on her weight (and lied every time she asked "How do I look?") This was all BEFORE our daughter was born. It really all went to hell after that. I would even get my parents to take the baby for the weekend, we'd go out Saturday night, have a nice time come home with no responsibilities (I did the housework Thurs or Fri) so all we had to do was spend time with each other and STILL there would be no intimacy no matter what I tried. Some weekends I wouldn't even try to see if she would initiate and she wouldn't. I know women can suppress their sexual desires but I assumed she'd get the itch sometimes. (pre marriage she was very 'creative' in initiating our lovemaking) So I withdrew and got a hobby (photography) and focus on spending time with my little girl because being rejected really hurts and I'd rather be happy than depressed. To kinda put yourself in my shoes, use this example, If you prepared your SO's favorite 5 course gourmet meals and they weren't touching it, would you keep preparing it night after night? Or would you finally just say "Forget it!"? Since "I" am the one also discussing with her and she never discusses with me, she doesn't seem to have a problem with the way things are so to HER, there's no effect (I'm just "off my rocker" is all ). THINK OF SOMEONE WHO POSTS ON THE BOARD USING ALL CAPS. THEY LIKE THE CAPS AND DON'T SEE A PROBLEM DESPITE THAT IT IS DRIVING EVERYONE ELSE ON THE BOARD NUTS AND PEOPLE ARE CONFUSED AS TO WHETHER THEY ARE TRYING TO SHOUT OUR NOT. OBVIOUSLY THIS TYPE OF THING IS *VERY* ANNOYING AND SOMEONE WOULD ASK THEM TO STOP ASAP OR THEY WOULD BE 'MODDED' I'M SURE. So WHO are the 'caps' affecting, YOU the reader or ME the writer??
VIP Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 It doesn't look like things are going to change in your marriage. You have two options - to stay or to leave.
Ladyjane14 Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 SHE doesn't wear the jewelry I (busted my ass) to buy (when she used to say how she loved jewelry and we would window shop sometimes, and I'd make a mental note of what she liked and go back and buy it (or close to) for her as a birthday/x-mas/anniversary present.) "Say you don't need no diamond rings and I'll be satisfied Tell me that you want the kind of thing that money just can't buy I don't care too much for money, money can't buy me love" No matter what I've tried, I've been met with apathy. I mean when we were dating it was great. We enjoyed time together at home, doing the same activities, as well as out on the town. She was joyous with all the things I did for her (dinners, shows, gifts, etc) and would be passionate all on her own. After we were married, I did the same things as before only she was apathetic with regards to how I was feeling. It really started bothering me when I would tell her "I love you" and she would respond "Me too" or "Umm-hmm". ??? I wasn't going to make her say it nor was I going to say "Hey, you didn't say I love you back". I'm an adult, not a 5th grader. This sounds like built-up resentment to me. And you never saw any causes for it? I mean, there's a big difference between the infatuation response and a more stable, mature love. But still.... if your description of events is accurate, it sound's like she may have withdrawn emotionally from the relationship. Most often, when people do that it's because they've grown weary of conflict. Type into your browser "the three states of mind in marriage, marriagebuilders", and read the article you find there. I would ask her "Baby, I'm making a salad/(insert other healthier food), do you want me to make you some?" and she would say that she didn't want/feel like a salad/healthy food. Or "I'm going for a walk/jog/run why don't you come too". and she would say she doesn't feel like it/too hot/too tired, etc.) so of course nature took it's course. This is how I addressed the issue. I *never* told her she was fat or otherwise commented on her weight (and lied every time she asked "How do I look?") Sometimes you don't have to actually say anything in order for people to feel your criticism. Over 90% of communication is taken from nonverbal cues. Type into your browser, "percentage of communication, nonverbal", and read some of the articles you find. Some weekends I wouldn't even try to see if she would initiate and she wouldn't. I know women can suppress their sexual desires but I assumed she'd get the itch sometimes. Men have over TWENTY TIMES more testosterone than women. Sure, women get sexual "urges", but it varies from woman to woman, and it isn't nearly as hormonally driven as that of men. The BRAIN is a woman's best sex organ. Women with higher drives have a better emotional relationship with sex than those with lower ones. And usually, they have a better "emotional relationship" with their partners as well. If you're hanging around waiting for your wife to "initiate"... you are, in essence, expecting her to feed a need she's probably NOT feeling at the moment. To kinda put yourself in my shoes, use this example, If you prepared your SO's favorite 5 course gourmet meals and they weren't touching it, would you keep preparing it night after night? Or would you finally just say "Forget it!"? You're assuming that you're "preparing her favorite 5-course meal". It doesn't sound to me like that's the correct analysis. People vary in Emotional Needs. Your ENs aren't the same as hers. And you can see how it makes you feel when your ENs aren't being met, right? How it has caused you to emotionally withdraw from the marriage? Well, why would you think that your wife is different in that? If her truest ENs have gone unmet, she would have withdrawn emotionally due to the unresolved conflict it would have entailed. Without an emotional connection, OF COURSE your sexual connection failed. That's not rocket science. And it can't be fixed within the current dynamic, because there's no way to fulfill ENs when you're secretly in CONTEMPT of your partner as you obviously are. No doubt, underneath it all... she knows. There are some truths which CANNOT be hidden. Since "I" am the one also discussing with her and she never discusses with me, she doesn't seem to have a problem with the way things are so to HER, there's no effect (I'm just "off my rocker" is all ). THINK OF SOMEONE WHO POSTS ON THE BOARD USING ALL CAPS. THEY LIKE THE CAPS AND DON'T SEE A PROBLEM DESPITE THAT IT IS DRIVING EVERYONE ELSE ON THE BOARD NUTS AND PEOPLE ARE CONFUSED AS TO WHETHER THEY ARE TRYING TO SHOUT OUR NOT. OBVIOUSLY THIS TYPE OF THING IS *VERY* ANNOYING AND SOMEONE WOULD ASK THEM TO STOP ASAP OR THEY WOULD BE 'MODDED' I'M SURE. So WHO are the 'caps' affecting, YOU the reader or ME the writer?? Again, you assume she's "not bothered". Well, maybe you're right. But maybe... she's just as "bothered" by your attitude as you are with hers. It could be that she's just withdrawn her emotions from the conflict long before now. You know, I'll be honest with you.... through your posts, you lack ALL KINDS of empathy for your mate. Have YOU ever been 8.5 months pregnant? I have. And it's no picnic, I assure you. Without empathy, there's not much hope of rebuilding your marriage. Change begins with YOU. It's not incumbent upon her. She has found a way to "make do" and cope. You're the guy who wants a change, so you're the guy who needs to bring the impetus for it. Your attitude has been "what about ME?". And as you have seen, that dog don't hunt. Why not try something different then? ...Maybe something REAL and GENUINE. True empathy, active love, uncritical consideration.... these are things that cannot be bought or sold. But when given freely, without thought for reciprocation, can indeed become reciprocal. Hey, it happened for me. I started actively loving my partner. I stopped judging him, and he responded like a flower after a long drought. Your alternative of course is to just hang it up and get a divorce. But be warned... wherever you go, there you are. Without taking responsibility for your part of the marital break-down, you're doomed to repeat your mistakes.
Mr. Lucky Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 You know, I'll be honest with you.... through your posts, you lack ALL KINDS of empathy for your mate. Have YOU ever been 8.5 months pregnant? I have. And it's no picnic, I assure you. Without empathy, there's not much hope of rebuilding your marriage. Change begins with YOU. It's not incumbent upon her. She has found a way to "make do" and cope. You're the guy who wants a change, so you're the guy who needs to bring the impetus for it. Well said (as usual ), Ladyjane. And, I'm sure AgentK, hard to hear. If everone replied to your original post with "You're right, your wife is wrong", would that knowledge change anything in your marriage? Don't think so... You've been given some links to some great resources that would really help your marriage. Time to put down that chip you've been carrying and go to work! Mr. Lucky
Ladyjane14 Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 "You're right, your wife is wrong", would that knowledge change anything in your marriage? Don't think so... Absolutely agree. Because if Mrs. AgentK had written in with your hypothetical letter, Mr. Lucky... we'd all be pointing out what she could be doing differently. Hen parties solve nothing. We all have to look to our own choices and our own actions for answers... because that's ALL we're in a position to effectively control.
cranium Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 There's nothing that turns a woman off more than feeling like her man is all about her 'goodies' rather than all about her. None of this would have worked if your AIM was to get sex from her. It lacks emotional intimacy when there's motive present. Nothing turns a man off more than feeling like his woman no longer desires him. And it’s not just about sex. It’s the rebuffing of simple hugs, kisses goodbye and the increase in use of terms of endearment such as "idiot", "useless s.o.b" or "good for nothing”. What might seem "romantic" to you isn't ROMANCE unless she perceives it as such. Frankly, a guy could take me out and buy me things, but it wouldn't mean squat to me if I perceived it as a ploy to get into my knickers. It sounds to me like this woman doesn't KNOW in her heart of hearts that you love her. And even though there's only these two posts to go on... it doesn't appear that you do. It sounds to me that AgentK doesn’t know in his heart of hearts that his wife loves him, either. He can’t control her perceptions or feelings anymore than she can control his. After we were married, I did the same things as before only she was apathetic with regards to how I was feeling. It really started bothering me when I would tell her "I love you" and she would respond "Me too" or "Umm-hmm". This sounds like built-up resentment to me. And you never saw any causes for it? I mean, there's a big difference between the infatuation response and a more stable, mature love. But still.... if your description of events is accurate, it sound's like she may have [i}withdrawn[/i] emotionally from the relationship. I would suggest her apathy towards AgentK perhaps contributed to his withdrawning from the relationship. And she never saw any causes for it? People vary in Emotional Needs. Your ENs aren't the same as hers. And you can see how it makes you feel when your ENs aren't being met, right? How it has caused you to emotionally withdraw from the marriage? Well, why would you think that your wife is different in that? If her truest ENs have gone unmet, she would have withdrawn emotionally due to the unresolved conflict it would have entailed. Without an emotional connection, OF COURSE your sexual connection failed. That's not rocket science. Nor is it rocket science to foresee that the emotional connection will deteriorate with dissatisfaction in the sexual relationship. And it can't be fixed within the current dynamic, because there's no way to fulfill ENs when you're secretly in CONTEMPT of your partner as you obviously are. No doubt, underneath it all... she knows. There are some truths which CANNOT be hidden. You know, I'll be honest with you.... through your posts, you lack ALL KINDS of empathy for your mate. Have YOU ever been 8.5 months pregnant? She has found a way to "make do" and cope. I don’t thinks there’s much empathy coming his way either. She has found a way to “make do” and cope by being apathetic, ignoring him and avoiding communication. Your attitude has been "what about ME?". And as you have seen, that dog don't hunt. Why not try something different then? ...Maybe something REAL and GENUINE. True empathy, active love, uncritical consideration.... these are things that cannot be bought or sold. But when given freely, without thought for reciprocation, can indeed become reciprocal. They can become reciprocal, but don’t hold your breath. Would she be open to counseling? Are you? You BOTH have work to do; completing the past and dealing with the years of built up resentment. Lj’s right – you can only control your actions/choices. So, give freely, with no expectations of anything in return. AND continue to focus on you and your children.
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