waiting4heaven Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 I am not really sure where to start, as I found this website while searching for answers! I am currently in a A with a MM and I am a MW. We didn't intend for any of this to happen but it did and now I am so confused. He moved out of his home 10 months ago and has basically been living with me and my H for that time frame. He has his own place but I haven't slept in my bed with H for years so being close to me in the livingroom is his way of showing his love...as he says anyway. My problem is not that I am unhappy cause unlike most, mine did leave his wife and daughter to be with me. My H is leaving in a few months, as it has already been discussed. No, neither spouse knows about us and that is a great thing. About 5 months into our relationship he asked me to trust him and I don't trust anyone!! I did my best, broke down and gave everything to the sweetest man I had ever met. Problem is in the process I destroyed him by being hateful and mean.....and I didn't mean to be....but after all that he has kept me a bay. I have tried to leave him several times due to he doesn't make me feel special anymore, and he fights to keep me but he is so distant and it has been so long. I haven't done anything like it after that week and I am dying inside now. I know he loves me and is always here for me, even when I don't want him to be. I just want the man I fell in love with back....I didn't mean to hurt him by giving him what he wanted....and in doing so he is so distant. He was always so eager to share his feelings, dreams and wants with me and now he won't open up like before. I get, "you know how I feel." Can someone please give me some insight as to how to make this better? I have never been happier than when he is around, but I miss the gentle, loving man I fell in love with. I am divorcing a cold, heartless man....I don't want to end up with another one. Thanks
Tsuki no Michi Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 I feel for you, I really do. I had never opened up to *anyone* before doing so with my MW. It's one of the reasons I am still with her, as she too is the sweetest lady I have ever known. I don't know the specifics of your situation, but if you truly hurt him during the opening up process, perhaps the two of you could seek counseling on the issues? It's important in any relationship to maintain trust. I presume the reason you were "mean and hateful" is because of the fear of trusting anyone to begin with? Maybe by talking the fear over and dealing with it in an impartial setting would help you (and he) understand why his own trust seems to have been damaged. TNM
Author waiting4heaven Posted September 2, 2007 Author Posted September 2, 2007 I don't know the specifics of your situation, but if you truly hurt him during the opening up process, perhaps the two of you could seek counseling on the issues? I presume the reason you were "mean and hateful" is because of the fear of trusting anyone to begin with? TNM I hurt him by pushing him away when all I wanted was him closer. Honestly, as bad as it sounds I dished out my worst hoping he would leave so that I didn't get hurt in the end....but he stayed and then one night I totally snapped and said hurtful things, accused him of stuff and left. He followed, held me tight and pronounced how much he loved me and that night I gave it all up and said to myself that he won! He earned every ounce yet the next day he he walked away and it took me over a week to get him to understand why I had such a hard time. He knew my past but somethings I left out due to I didn't want a "pity party" from him. He cried with me and we have been working on it ever since. I just miss the little things that made him so wonderful to me. I know he loves me...without a doubt...but the little things he did and said are what made me feel like something! Therapy isn't an option in the town we are in. He has already said he would go with me once his divorce is final....have until Feb to wait due to laws here say you have to be seperated, not living together for a year before you can file for divorce. My H and I are going to "pretend" on a previous date so that we don't have to wait that long. His W however is going to make things a living nightmare for him....I dread it!!! And I am with you!!! After all this, if we don't end up together then trusting anyone else is out the window for good! I am such a walking basket of emotions now and hate it!! Being cold and an "ice princess" as he called me was so much easier!!!
Tsuki no Michi Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 And I am with you!!! After all this, if we don't end up together then trusting anyone else is out the window for good! I am such a walking basket of emotions now and hate it!! Being cold and an "ice princess" as he called me was so much easier!!! It is easier, but not nearly as heart-healing and fulfilling as actually having someone to trust. While I doubt I will be able to do it again if things don't work out, I can't say I will be the better for it. I doubt you would be either. You have my prayers that they do work out though. Sometimes it's a horrible world we live in, isn't it? BTW, I was right about the fear of opening up, wasn't I? I think perhaps he may simply need time to accept that what you did and said to him was out of fear, and that now that you have opened up it allows you to love him all the more deeply. I would hope he is wise enough to see that anyway. TNM
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