Lost80007 Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 Hello All: Im in a sticky situation. Over the past 5 years, my bf and I were happy for about 2 years and it started getting slowly worse. At this point right now, all we do is fight, he forced me to move in with him (when I thought i owed it to him since we were together for 5 yrs), and almost everyday I feel negative or hateful feelings for him. I do love him but not sure enough to put anymore effort into the relationship. The sticky situation is: I have started talking on the net with a friend of my bf's and have become completely enfactuated with him. A very intense crush situation. I am a very open person and felt that I should tell him, and he said he wouldn't do anything unless I was not with my bf (his friend) but could see us having a wonderful and exciting relationship together. He recently has been quite distant from me, especially when I see him as we hang out in a group. I can't stop thinking about him, and the more I think about him, the more I have negative feelings and need to leave with my current bf. The problem is that I am not presently happy with my current relationship but am sacred to leave, and feel that maybe I'm crushing to get out of this relationship as an "exit" to a tough situation, or that I really like the new guy (bf's friend). As well, my current bf, was my first relationship and first sex, and I constantly feel like I am missing out and need to explore. Im afraid if I stay with my current bf, that it will get much worse in the future, and I will end up wanting to cheat (but would never go that far, just live in agony and sadness). My question is: Do you think my problems with my bf are causing me to feel head-over-heals for this new guy and that I am scared to settle down with him? If so, where should I draw the line, how do I really know? p.s. I have told my bf that I feel we have problems and that I am attracted to his friend and have been talking to him. But I havent told my bf that I am falling for this guy intensely.
Lyssa Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 First of all you need to make sure if you want to stay or not with your current bf. If you want to stay, you have to have absolutely be loyal to him and stop having feelings for his friend or anyone else. If you want to explore, by all means do it but do break it off with your bf first. He has the right to know what's going on and explore just as much as you would want to do that. It isn't fair, is it for him that you're falling intensely for his friend?
code five Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 Oh geez. This sounds so familiar. Very similar to the situation I found myself in - you sound like the MW I became involved with... Only difference, she was married of course. Look, not going to go on and on, but you came here looking for input and Lyssa is hitting a bullseye. You need to decide if you want to be with your BF. Love isn't the issue here - you do feel love for him obviously, but you need to decide on the commitment. Figure this out first. Until you do, I suggest strictly platonic communication with his buddy and you may want to curb any net related chat your BF isn't aware of. To do otherwise sends mixed signals to the buddy and in a sense is betraying your bf. Just my 2 cents. Those very intense crushes can quickly turn to more... believe me. I'm also guessing your BF didn't take the news of your 'attraction' to his friend very well.
Author Lost80007 Posted September 2, 2007 Author Posted September 2, 2007 Thanks for responding. I dont know if I want to be with him or not. Although, everything except the intense feelings I feel for his friend, I tell my bf. He knows I am not happy and I have tried to work with him to make it better, but he seems to limit the time to it, if any. Its a tough decision, and I feel that there is always a reason for everything! At times I feel I was meant to meet this guy to really know how I feel about my current relationship. Im just too scared to make any harsh decisions. Any suggestions as to finding how to know what one person really wants would be appreciated. thanks
code five Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 Any suggestions as to finding how to know what one person really wants would be appreciated. thanks What always works best for me... ASK. Sometimes we just have to put the cards on the table so to speak. It's a tough decision - but, to continue with your current course is risky to say the least. Also, you mentioned your BF's buddy would never allow anything to happen - keep in mind that sometimes we can't always control the 'heat of the moment'. Just a thought.
Author Lost80007 Posted September 2, 2007 Author Posted September 2, 2007 Thanks for the reply. In making the choice to stay or leave, I am so scared and not strong enough to accept doing the wrong thing. Actually, my bf wasnt upset. He was happy that I wasnt cheating. We also discussed that maybe couples therapy or a break from e/o would be best and pursue others and in turn, see if we care as much about e/o as we should at this stage of the relationship. Do you think this is a good idea? He has agreed to everything I have said, making me think that he either is considering split as well, or that he is just too lazy to care and put effort into making the relationship work. He has gotten very lazy and non-responsive in the relationship over the last 2-3 years and made it difficult to be with. Do you think his lack of communication and eagerness to make things better (the way I am) is a sign that he just doesnt care enough for the relationship, or that he is just being lazy (does he just need a true and hard sign that something is wrong? if so, what would be good to do?)
Lyssa Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 Thanks for the reply. In making the choice to stay or leave, I am so scared and not strong enough to accept doing the wrong thing. I think a lot of people are afraid of that but how would we know, right? It's a risk you have to take. You obviously will know then and by then, it would a good lesson learnt. Actually, my bf wasnt upset. He was happy that I wasnt cheating. We also discussed that maybe couples therapy or a break from e/o would be best and pursue others and in turn, see if we care as much about e/o as we should at this stage of the relationship. Do you think this is a good idea? It is a good idea if both of you agree on this. Give it a try. Maybe some time apart would be good. You know the saying, the heart grows fonder when you're apart from each other - or something like that! He has agreed to everything I have said, making me think that he either is considering split as well, or that he is just too lazy to care and put effort into making the relationship work. He has gotten very lazy and non-responsive in the relationship over the last 2-3 years and made it difficult to be with. If that is so... then why are you both still together? I think you both really need to lay all the cards on the table (is that how the saying goes??). Do you think his lack of communication and eagerness to make things better (the way I am) is a sign that he just doesnt care enough for the relationship, or that he is just being lazy (does he just need a true and hard sign that something is wrong? if so, what would be good to do?) This could very well be it! The lack of communication and he's not really making an effort is probably driving you away or each other apart. That is where the laying out the cards come in... talk about it. Why is it that you both are not communicating. Maybe go somewhere for the weekend... who knows that might spice thing up again. It's hard to tell if he cares or not because some guys are just that, they love their GFs but they just do not know how to show it...
code five Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 Ouch. These are some tough questions you are posing Do you have any plans or discussed marriage during this 5 yr relationship - meaning, have you ever talked to each other about the future? Personally, I don't think that a break from each other is the best course (unless you know in your heart and he had confirmed it) that one or both of you aren't interested in each other anymore... Remember, you can always love someone - there are many different levels to love... Only you can really answer the laziness question... A true and hard sign is you discussing your feelings with him... at least you would think it would be a sign to him (again why I suggest the direct approach). The best way to handle this is going to be discussion on where to go from here. You obviously are unhappy - reason why you have become hooked on talking to his buddy... therapy is also a wonderful choice if you BOTH want it to work and cant seem to make any progress in talking with each other... Hope this helps
Author Lost80007 Posted September 2, 2007 Author Posted September 2, 2007 thanks lyssa. You are very insightful. The problem is I communicate, but he doesnt. I try laying the cards out (ie. I read him my pros and cons list about him). He just nodded, and tried to watch tv. But he acts like he loves me. Maybe he wants to be in a relationship where the woman does everything and he does nothing. I would love to get a mans point of view of this. If men just dont like showing what they feel, or if there are any tell tale signs of a man who is potentially not interested. I have thought about closing the communication with my bf's friend, but I really dont want to. He makes me feel very good (most of the time), and I want that. if I dont talk to him anymore, I wont feel good about myself from my bf. Like I said, he is lazy. I stress the word "lazy". His mother brought him up like that, and he should be acting like a man at his age, and you would guess that he was 10 years younger. Im trying to figure out if my rage about him is merely frustration or that I have got to the point where I dont care as much about him anymore and that it may be too late. We tried talking about a week or two ago and I hoped that he would try to improve on some things. I found myself isolating from him, emotionally and physically and since I have not seen any effort the improve, I feel the isolation starting again. I fear that this cycle will remain forever and I will just be settling. The question is: Can I change him enough to make me happy? I dunno...
code five Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 ...they love their GFs but they just do not know how to show it... Hey now... Not all of us guys are like that - Lyssa is so cool... thanks for the smiles
Author Lost80007 Posted September 2, 2007 Author Posted September 2, 2007 Thanks Code Five. Actually we used to talk about commitment issues like marriage and such, but after about 2 years i gave up talking about it b/c he always responded so negatively. Now we dont talk at all about anything in the future except recently when I discussed my problems with him. I feel like I am trying to wallpaper a room and the adhesive is not sticking no matter what I do or say.
Lyssa Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 Hey now... Not all of us guys are like that - Lyssa is so cool... thanks for the smiles Hey hey... I said 'some'... Thanks. Off topic - how are things with YOU?
code five Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 I'm so sorry Lost... Wow - this so much sounds like my MW's H... he's not a video game addict is he? I bet you are a person who thrives on 'Quality Time' As far as his interest level or lack of, some people are content with doing nothing. I'm sure he showed you his feelings when you first got together... I think Lyssa had a great suggestion about going away for the weekend and spicing things up... sometimes we have to re-bond. Does that mean just sex? No. Activities, Interacting... Some of the common things you both love to do together... Ya know? The bottom line though - you know what you are missing. you know what you need. Only YOU will know when you need to draw the line and say "I've done everything I can to show you how I feel and given you every opportunity to change.." Be sure to give him a chance though. The buddy situation - is just a wake up call.
Author Lost80007 Posted September 2, 2007 Author Posted September 2, 2007 Thanks a lot Code Five. You're advice and Lyssa's is great. Its such a hard situation, I wish someone could make the decision for me, lol. I suppose the couples therapy will have to be done since a weekend away ONLY means sex to him, b/c we dont really have fun together. We just watch tv sometimes and complain to e/o. Thats what we share. In fact, I have signed off of intimate relations with him until or if things get better. Its been tough, but I dont want to be with someone who doesnt want to put effort into being with me.
Lyssa Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 thanks lyssa. You are very insightful. No need to thank me but you're welcome, hehe. I just try to put myself in the situation and see how I try to get out of it. I'm glad what I said is insightful to you. Thanks. The problem is I communicate, but he doesnt. I try laying the cards out (ie. I read him my pros and cons list about him). He just nodded, and tried to watch tv. Wow - he tried to watch tv?? You should have switched off the tv! Never talk to a man when you both are near the tv, radio or anything that can distract him. - CodeFive - what do you have to say about that?? That would have pissed me off big time! I can't stand it when you want to talk things over (this is after he said things like "babe, no matter what, i'm always there to talk things over" - this is my ex) all he wants to do is watch tv. Gee whizz... But he acts like he loves me. Maybe he wants to be in a relationship where the woman does everything and he does nothing. I would love to get a mans point of view of this. If men just dont like showing what they feel, or if there are any tell tale signs of a man who is potentially not interested. Yeah, he definitely wants to be in a rship where the woman does everything and he doesn't do anything at all! Is that fair? Hmmm.. don't think so! You have to give and take - no matter what. It's 100-100 kinda thing, not 50-50! You're just dating this guy now, imagine how it's going to be like if you both ended up marrying each other! *shudders* Yes, CodeFive can probably give you some insights I have thought about closing the communication with my bf's friend, but I really dont want to. He makes me feel very good (most of the time), and I want that. if I dont talk to him anymore, I wont feel good about myself from my bf. Oh I know what you mean. I got to know this guy and he made me feel good but I had a BF at that time so I left my BF - the best thing I have eve done at that time. My ex was a horrible person and I was with him because he made me feel like NO OTHER MAN would want me. It was crazy, anyway I broke it off and the guy that made me feel good, we ended up dating each other but that was 3 yrs ago. I just felt the need to tell you that. Don't know if that helps. Like I said, he is lazy. I stress the word "lazy". His mother brought him up like that, and he should be acting like a man at his age, and you would guess that he was 10 years younger. Im trying to figure out if my rage about him is merely frustration or that I have got to the point where I dont care as much about him anymore and that it may be too late. Mama's boy, ay? Not good. Well, only you can tell if you don't care about it as much as he doesn't. Maybe it is time to leave? We tried talking about a week or two ago and I hoped that he would try to improve on some things. I found myself isolating from him, emotionally and physically and since I have not seen any effort the improve, I feel the isolation starting again. I fear that this cycle will remain forever and I will just be settling. The question is: Can I change him enough to make me happy? I dunno... I don't think changing him would be a good idea.. I mean you have tried talking, things are just the same. How about giving each other some space since you really feel as if you're both frustrated with each other or situation?
Author Lost80007 Posted September 2, 2007 Author Posted September 2, 2007 Lyssa, I think space is a good idea. The problem is we live together. And he could either impose on his friend for about a week, or that he can stay with his mom again. But he wouldnt want to do that b/c he doesnt want his family to know anything about us and what is going on. I appreciate hearing your stories about your relationships. It gives me something to think about outside of my situation, and then allows me to apply my situation and think about differently. As for the talking and the tv. I had turned it off, but he tried to grab the controller and watch. As well, he rolled his eyes a lot, like I was just being "a woman" and complaining again. I dont think he hears my words, he just hears that Im complaining again or trying to make him be what he doesnt want to be. What do you think of that Code Five? Do men hear woman or just hear complaining when they talk?
code five Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 Yep - watching t.v., gaming or whatever he is doing when you are spilling your HEART to him is just plain rude. I'm sorry -I just don't see it. We have all been there before - some men and women can act this way. The person trying to have a heart to heart ends up feeling like they are 1" tall. Not good. Yep - again I'm standing by Lyssa on this one. 100% in the relationship - not this 90-10 percentage he's giving you. It sounds to me that a therapy session is in definite order or a break - married couples are not the only ones who can seperate. If you have family or someone in the area (and NO, BF Buddy is not an option) - perhaps you can stay with them for a couple of weeks. Just to give him a taste of life without you. I suggest this since moving out - 1 of you is going to have to rent something else. Maybe you aren't at that point yet... Oh, and Lyssa - I sent you a PM (when you have time and if you don't mind).
Author Lost80007 Posted September 2, 2007 Author Posted September 2, 2007 Thanks a lot everyone. You have confirmed my fears and issues I am dealing with. I grew very tired and frustrated, thinking that I was making a big deal of nothing, but this it is . Its a big deal when I dread to wake up b/c all I do is clean up after him, nag to him and grow everso unhappy. Its a problem that I seem to be a pushover and let people walk all over me. Its hard to break out of those habits.
Lyssa Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 Yep - watching t.v., gaming or whatever he is doing when you are spilling your HEART to him is just plain rude. I'm sorry -I just don't see it. We have all been there before - some men and women can act this way. The person trying to have a heart to heart ends up feeling like they are 1" tall. Not good. I'm with you! Some women do that too!! Aarrrghhhh!! I just don't get it. If you are in a rship, pay attention to one another - not the tv or games. Is that soooo hard to do! Sorry - venting! Yep - again I'm standing by Lyssa on this one. 100% in the relationship - not this 90-10 percentage he's giving you. Awww, thanks! Lol. Yup, that's right. Oh and yup, I got it and replied!
Author Lost80007 Posted September 2, 2007 Author Posted September 2, 2007 thanks for all your help Lyssa and code five. If you have any other ideas in the future, please feel free tolet me know. Im going to bed now, thanks again.
Lyssa Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 Thanks a lot everyone. You have confirmed my fears and issues I am dealing with. I grew very tired and frustrated, thinking that I was making a big deal of nothing, but this it is . Its a big deal when I dread to wake up b/c all I do is clean up after him, nag to him and grow everso unhappy. Its a problem that I seem to be a pushover and let people walk all over me. Its hard to break out of those habits. You're welcome and we're glad to help you out (we did, didn't we?? ). The thing is, I hate to think that each rship ends up this way. Not caring much for one another because we get to comfortable with each other. That is why I think no man can match my expectation of a rship. I will try no matter what to make it work and a great rship. It is hard to break out of those habits. I let my ex walked all over me and treated me like h***! It just comes back to you when you're down and I really can't believe I let a guy like treated me that way but now, I'm glad I don't let anyone treat me that way. Not ever again. So you better make sure you don't let any guy treat you that way!!
code five Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 Thanks a lot everyone. You have confirmed my fears and issues I am dealing with. I grew very tired and frustrated, thinking that I was making a big deal of nothing, but this it is . Its a big deal when I dread to wake up b/c all I do is clean up after him, nag to him and grow everso unhappy. Its a problem that I seem to be a pushover and let people walk all over me. Its hard to break out of those habits. Ewwww... run away now. I'm sorry but I wont let a woman clean up my messes. I clean up after myself thank you. It is hard to break habits. You can though. We all can. Remember, positive - positive - positive. You were motivated to check out this forum, you are on the right track. I'll keep a good thought for you...
waiting4heaven Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 We also discussed that maybe couples therapy or a break from e/o would be best and pursue others and in turn, see if we care as much about e/o as we should at this stage of the relationship. Do you think this is a good idea? Do you think his lack of communication and eagerness to make things better (the way I am) is a sign that he just doesnt care enough for the relationship, or that he is just being lazy (does he just need a true and hard sign that something is wrong? if so, what would be good to do?) A break from e/o isn't such a bad idea but if you are only going to run to his friend, which is what I would presume you would do to see if you actually "cared" for your BF, then be prepared for your BF to use it against you! I am not trying to be mean by any means, so please do not think that I am but even if your BF doesn't care or is being lazy, this is a decision that you must decide BEFORE you jump. Once over that line, I can't see your BF taking you back after you've been with his friend....at least no guy I know would accept it. Maybe someone else but not a close friend of his..... Be careful in your choice and make sure it is for the right reasons. Lust can be harmful to not only those you care about but to yourself as well.
waiting4heaven Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 Do men hear woman or just hear complaining when they talk? LOL...I have to share this with you and hopefully in your state of confusion, it will make you smile! My MM informed me the other day that if you want to sustain a man's attention for a conversation, then every 15-20 seconds you have to say the word "tiddies" and it keeps them right on track and gets thier focus back to you and your words!!! He heard it on a comedy show but now it is running joke that I have actually done just to make sure I have his undivided attention....and the sad part is I think it actually works!!!! LOL Some men do listen and do hear what you say....it is just a rare find...at least from my personal experiance anyway!!! And when you find one that does hold onto him like never before..... Good luck to you!
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