My miserable marraige

[nottoobright]

Now that I have had a chance to read all the posts, yall's, Jims and my own I think I have come to a final conclusion, yes, my marraige is over and it is time to leave this marraige while I still have a little of my dignity, self esteem and money left. I felt a little bit like I got ripped a new one, by a few people but even then they are right. I married a cruel, heartless, unsympathetic @ss, even though I knew already that he had cheated on me.... My mistake. The only thing I can hope for at this point is that some other woman or young girl ending a marraige doesn't fall for a sweet talking pretty face because they read what I've been through.

 

Yeah, you might say I am a "sack of crazy" sometimes and I really didn't want all of my really "private" stuff brought into this but it was. I appreciate the concern that I've gotten from you all about my "cutting problem", it does have to stop. I don't really want anyone thinking that it is something I do every day cause I don't. Yes, it started when I was 14 and was raped repeatedly at knifepoint by 2 men that my brother agreed to lead me to, in exchange for some dope. I stopped for a long time but the "need " returned when I was 20 years old and gave birth to a still born baby girl. Once again I managed to beat the desire to cut until I learned at the age of 25 that I was unable to have any more children. I hadn't done it for almost 14 years and honestly I had thought that it was something I had completely overcome. I did it again for the first time in that many years the night I found out Jim was still sleeping with his ex. I don't cut deep and it is usually no bigger than the size of a large postage stamp, squares and pound signs (#) are my "design of choice". I don't expect anyone who doesn't have this problem to understand it and I certainly don't expect anyone to condone it. It is an urge that I am able to supress most of the time. I plan on finding someone who will help me understand and control the urge.

 

I did marry Jim before I had thought the whole "cheating thing" through, I married him because I thought we loved each other. I can't really explain the "reason" just that I had gotten to the point that I thought that someday he would see me as "good enough" or better than what he had been married to. I went through a time where I couldn't believe that I, me alone, wasn't good enough for this man. I was determined that I was going to "make" myself good enough for him. The whole thing with my ex, leaving me for a man didn't really hit me all that hard at first. I had decided that unless I could grow a penis there was nothing I could have done to save my marraige. It wasn't until our divorce was over that it really hit me. I married Jim 10 days after my divorce became final. I didn't push him to marry him as he tells it. Like I said in an earlier post he asked me 3 or 4 times, 3 that I remember distinctly.

 

My divorce took almost 1 1/2 years and my ex husband fought me tooth and nail for every penny we had saying that I had nothing when we met and in 12 years of marraige, I had not contributed a penny to the marraige even though I worked 2 full time jobs, a daytime job cleaning houses and an overnight job taking care of the elderly. He had even stooped so low as to claim that I was a former prostitute. I was so busy trying to defend myself that I didn't really think about the fact that he had left me for a man.

 

The first night I went out with Jim he had told me they were still somewhat sexually active, I admit to that but within a few weeks he was saying things that led me to believe that I was "It", he even called his mother in front of me to tell her that he thought "I was the one". Jim helped me through my divorce, coaching me not to settle for one penny less than I deserved even when the fight got to be too much for me to handle. He wasn't being honest with me from the very start, he was playing me like a fiddle.

 

I spent nearly a year and a half with him before I finally told him to stop telling me he still loved her and before I told him how much it bothered me when he would point out EVERY "sexually attractive" woman he saw. Even after he stopped that, he would tell his ex that he didn't know if it was over between them. I don't know if it was that I'd convinced myself that I could MAKE him love me, maybe it was.

 

When I moved in with Jim he had this sob story about how he couldn't stretch his paycheck far enough to survive, he would tell his kids in front of me that if it weren't for me being here they would have had to go on food stamps. I wanted to make life better for these kids, it just got out of hand with them. When they needed something or wanted something they would tell me, not their father, to get it for them. He would tell me not to "give the kids things because it made his ex wife crazy", then at the same time he would tell me that because we were a family and "these are OUR kids" I couldn't give my kids anything unless I gave his kids the same thing. I would give him big chunks of money at a time insted of giving him money every week. It started getting old when my kids noticed that he would NEVER reach for his wallet when it came time to pay for things.

 

Yeah, I made a mistake marrying this guy but he played alot of mind games with me and so didn't his ex wife. I actually have thought that the 2 of them were in cahoots together to get me to pay off the house and the credit card debt and then he would leave me and go back to her. I accept blame for marrying him but as far as everything else goes I was trying to be kind and generous because I loved them.

 

The only thing I have ever asked of this man was to be honest with me and tell me what he was thinking and doing. His "F" ed up excuse holds no water with me. He would always tell me that she thought he was the source of all her misery and she decided he had to pay (whatever that means). One minute he'd be calling her a c*nt and a b*tch and the next he'd have her sleeping in his bed. I really had no clue he was still sleeping with her. I never asked him to tell me the details of what they did together, he added all of that to add insult to injury or for the shock value.

It wasn't until after we were married and things settled down, after a long drawn out divorce and all the craziness his ex was causing that things just weren't adding up for me. Sex was occasionally at best, all of a sudden he had a "low sex drive", the same man who had been sleeping with 2 women now had a low sex drive. From the very first time I asked him why he did what he did he told me "I was just gunning for a fight".

 

I only wanted to tell him how much it hurt me and how hard it was having to see her every 2 weeks. He wanted no part of it and would tell me he didn't know what the big deal was, they had slept together for 17 years before I came along, or that he didn't think I was going to get hurt. All the while he'd be telling me what a slut she was. I just wanted to talk through it and get some answers so I could move past it.

 

Anyhow all of that is water under the bridge. I am actively looking for an apartment. The thought of just buying another home is out of the question because I don't trust this man enough to believe that he won't try to take it away from me or at least half. I've gotten to the point that the sight of him makes me sick. I really don't have love feelings for him at all right now. All I can see is this man feeding me his excuses or telling my kids what a MF'er he can be. My kids hate him, they have no respect for him whatsoever. He has admitted to cheating on me, to them, I am their mother of course they would have animosity towards him. If my kids do something wrong he wants them grounded until they are 35 years old but his kids do something wrong and it is because they went through a difficult divorce. My kids see that he does nothing for me, on my birthday they asked him what he'd given me and he told them that he got me nothing because the day was a reminder of him cheating on me, if anything he should have been even that much kinder to me on my birthday, but not even a card. I feel like a bucket full of @ss holes most of the time and I deserve better.

 

There is no working this out, tonight I was reading a book called "letting go of your anger" I asked him to read a passage and his reply was "for what? so you can ask me 101 questions?" He doesn't care if I get over it or not, as long as I am here to pay the bills.

 

That is another thing, I told him a long time ago that his credit card bills were his, he would have to pay them considering that they were bills he made with her and because she wasn't paying her child support. His mortgage I would have helped him with except for the fact that he told me he liked being able to tell me to GTFO (get the f*ck out) whenever he wanted. I pay everything else, the food,, clothing, etc... This is on top of depositing $1000.00 or $2000.00 at a time into his checking account. I've given him enough, this year alone to pay ALL the bills for a year. This past Christmas I even gave him $400.00 so he could shop for me and pick something out for his kids from daddy, I did the rest of the shopping or should I say paying because we shopped together for Christmas, to the tune of about $8,000.00.

 

I am tired of this drama, from him, his kids, his ex-wife and even from me. I just wanted to explain myself a little and vent a little. G'night.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Damn you've been through hell.

 

For what it's worth I'm sorry your marriage is ending. But now that you know where you've been in life, now is the time to evaluate who you are as a human being and become stronger. IT's not completely your fault this marriage is over.

 

Iy yakes two to tango and one to destroy it.

 

My thing is survivng divorce can be done.

 

You been through hell but your still here. Your still alive.You can start over. Go to IC , hit the gym, work on making yourself mentally better.

 

Maybe you have a knack for picking *******s. i agree you got remarried too damn quickly. But i understand that aching loneliness. That need to feel wanted.

 

You need to be alone with your thoughts and get better.

 

Now it's time to make you better.

 

Embrace our new life.

[lostboy60645]

I guess the same could be said about me. My handle is 'Lostboy60645', which has sadness as well, but the name "Not Too Bright" has to, and I mean HAS TO change in the process of your recovery.

 

There's a lot to a name, as I can tell you.

 

I'm so glad that you made the brave decision to move on.

 

As many have said all along, a good individual counselor AND a group therapy for women, preferably by a counselor with a CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist), will do wonders for your self esteem and your life.

 

But I'm serious about the name thing. And yes, I'm still 'lost', but not as nearly as lost as I was in the heyday of my addictions.

 

Keep coming back here! You're a good egg and we need you to share your stuff. I know that your perspective and stories help me as much or more than they help you.

[LakesideDream]

Laura, That's good to hear. Please be paitent this time! Spend the months, even years it takes to find Mr. Right, instead of Mr. Right Now.

 

There are men out there that will treat you with respect, love you, and rock your world. Look long enough and you'll find one.

[LuminousZ]

tonight I was reading a book called "letting go of your anger" I asked him to read a passage and his reply was "for what? so you can ask me 101 questions?"

 

Dear Laura, You deserve so much better than Jim is willing to give.

 

It's time for YOU to focus on your well being because it's so painfully obvious Jim has no concern...,

 

I am glad to read you are looking for your own apt.

 

Also, I agree with lostboy regarding the nickname your currently using. Its time to change that to something with a more positive outlook..., I'd like to suggust an alternative, instead of "nottobright" how 'bout "brightEyes" or "brightFuture4me" ?! You are bright enough to realize a mistake was made and bright enough to seek answers and I see a bright future for you!!

 

Take care of your beautiful self!

 

LuminousZ

 

Luminous = glow

Z = 1st initial of Child - His glowing personality Makes me smile whenever I think of him!

[Ladyjane14]

I didn't want to respond until I'd had time to mull your post over, Laura.

 

It's impossible for outsiders to REALLY know what's going on with you and your husband. Either you're interpreting his previous actions correctly, or your insecurities are coloring your perception.

 

Personally, I'm inclined to guess that it's a combination of both. I think it's possible that you've misconstrued some things, but that you understand PERFECTLY some others.

 

That said, I think you're doing the right thing for you. Perhaps even, the only thing you CAN do that will allow you to recover your equilibrium. You can't get healthy under these conditions... anxious, uncertain, and insecure as you are. It doesn't matter which parts are real and which parts are all in your head... the feelings are real enough and need to be addressed.

 

I hope you WILL get some counseling and address the "cutting". This is indicative of what an unhealthy level of anxiety you've reached. People don't have to feel that way, Laura. YOU don't have to feel that way.

 

Take the first step, and get some professional help with it, okay. Remember, your kids love you, and they can't be completely happy in their own lives if they're worried about their Mom all the time.

[nottoobright]

Thank you for giving me the little boost I need to not convince myself that I need to stay in this miserable, unhappy marraige. I am ready to get this done and start my life over.

 

I started yesterday by taking my two sons for a ride so we could talk. Our ride turned into a 10 hour drive, talking, laughing and yes there were some tears (some happy, some not so much) but it was a really good day for the 3 of us and something we should have done a long time ago. It really freaked me out when my 17 year old son told me "Mom, I hate to see you being treated like this, you deserve better. The one thing I have learned in all of this mom, is how NOT to treat my wife" I guess hearing that from a kid who doesn't really have much relationship experience, who really knows next to nothing about how to treat a wife or a girlfriend was an eyeopener.

 

I came home and had a heart to heart with Jim, I told him that I wasn't just going to walk away from him and hide. I told him my plans which are to find a small place of my own, file for divorce and try to find the person I WAS before all of this mess happened. He seemed angry but I am not sure if it was at me or at himself. I don't know if we can even be just friends once I have moved out, I have a soft spot for him and quite often feel sorry for him and I'm afraid I will not be able to stay away. I know he will find someone else right away and I don't want to be in the position that his ex was in, coming back and forth and hurting some other woman.

 

Ladyjane, thank you for your advice. I thought about it all night, if I am imagining any of this, if my perceptions are wrong. I reread my husbands posts and came to the conclusion that I am pretty sure I interpreted all of his actions correctly. There really is nothing wrong with me, I have my faults sure but I have my good qualities too. For so long I thought his attatchment to his ex wife was because I wasn't good enough for him but I've come to the realization that his attatchment to her has nothing to do with me it is something in him.

 

I am good enough, in fact I am better than "just good enough". I am a good mother and I am a faithful wife who loves nothing more than to do for her family. I would have made Jim happy. My biggest mistake in all of this really isn't going back to Jim once I found out he was cheating. My biggest mistake or mistakes (plural) was jumping into a relationship so soon after my seperation from my first husband and jumping into a relationship with a man with whom it was painfully obvious wasn't over HIS last marraige.

 

I had a dream the other night that I had cut myself and cut too deep which ended my life, I'm not sure if in my dream I was cutting as a release or if I had committed suicide. In my dream I saw a letter that I had left for my sons telling them that I would miss them every day and that I would love them for all of eternity, I guess I must have committed suicide. The rest of my dream was of times that the kids would have needed their mom there, a college graduation, a wedding dance with the grooms mother, a baby being born, etc... It was the saddest dream I've ever had and when I woke up I woke up in tears. I've been through a lot of crap in my life yes but nothing so bad that I need to do that. I know it is easier said than done but I will beat the urge to cut myself. I bought myself a package of rubber bands and I've got one on my wrist right now. If I feel the urge to let out some steam, I will pop my wrist with the rubber band, for now until I can feel confident that I won't do it any more. One night Jim actually gave me a razor blade and told me "go ahead and do it", I've heard so many people on this forum tell me not to do it, not only that but I MUST stop. That is caring, giving me a razor blade is not.

 

As for men. I said to my sons yesterday that I was going to swear off men. I would never get into another relationship again but then I thought about it. I'm not going to swear off men but I am going to take a great deal of time to try to fix what is wrong that makes me attracted to men who treat me like crap. I have a lot of hobbies that I love and right now I am going to put all of my energy into doing them. I am an avid gardener, I am a quilter and a painter. I love to make jams and jellies, soaps and candles. I love to write poetry which I haven't done since I met Jim. I can fill the void of not having someone in my life with all the things I love to do until I am better able to see if someone is treating me the way I am supposed to be treated. I have 2 beautiful, wonderful, smart, funny and loving sons the "void" should fill up quickly.

 

I think I've found myself a place, it is small but more cozy than uncomfortable. I am anxiously waiting to hear if I am going to get the place. If I don't I'll find something else, if I do then I will move in as soon as I can tie up my loose ends here such as packing, changing my mail address etc. I have lots to do to keep me busy right now.

 

LuminousZ, you ended your poat with "take care of your beautiful self" the first thing I thought when I read that was "I'm not beautiful", but as the old saying goes "beauty is in the eye of the beholder", if I don't believe it how will anyone else believe it and there is a very real possibility that sometime in the future someone else will think I am beautiful. You are beautiful too.

 

Things will only get better from here, they couldn't have gotten any worse I must admit. I will probably have my low moments and if I do I will post and hope someone will help me feel better but "Lostboy", you will see me on this forum as "findingmyself". Thank you for the suggestions.

 

Lakeside..... You rocked my world when you said "stop all the damned drama", I really can't stand a drama queen and I guess I sounded like the "diva of drama"!! I'm going to hold you to that promise that if I wait for Mr. Right, he will rock my world. How does 2010 sound before I start looking?

 

Anyhow my loveshack friends... things are looking up!!!!

[Ladyjane14]

I don't know if we can even be just friends once I have moved out, I have a soft spot for him and quite often feel sorry for him and I'm afraid I will not be able to stay away. I know he will find someone else right away and I don't want to be in the position that his ex was in, coming back and forth and hurting some other woman.

 

I don't think that Jim moving right on to another woman is inevitable. Who knows? Maybe it's possible for the two of you to get a divorce, take the time to truly recover from your last marriages, learn to each be single and self-reliant, and then eventually revisit the idea of dating one another.

 

It seems to me that BOTH of you have internal issues which leave you feeling less than whole inside. Once you've had time alone to develop a more healthy individuality, there's no reason why either of you can't one day become a superb partner, if not to each other, than certainly to someone else.

 

I am an avid gardener, I am a quilter and a painter. I love to make jams and jellies, soaps and candles. I love to write poetry which I haven't done since I met Jim. I can fill the void of not having someone in my life with all the things I love to do until I am better able to see if someone is treating me the way I am supposed to be treated. I have 2 beautiful, wonderful, smart, funny and loving sons the "void" should fill up quickly.

 

Wow, I'm a gardener, a canner, and a quilter too. (I've ALWAYS got at least two quilts going... and sometimes more. You know how it is. )

Gave up painting though years ago, except for house painting. I hate poetry, but I love music. You'll have to share some soap-making techniques with us sometime. I've made candles, but haven't tried soap yet. But I've got so many cool herbs out in the garden I think it'd be a real hoot to give it a whirl.

 

In emotional terms, I think working with your hands at the hobbies you love will help you to get back in touch with the inner you. There's nothing that makes you feel so good about yourself as work well done, right? Very therapeutic. (I made a Sour Cherry jelly this past spring that came out sooooo fine, I floated on air for days in the spirit of individual accomplishment. It's a small thing, but really... daily life is MADE UP of small things.)

 

Anyway, I hope both you and Jim can find some peace from all the turmoil you've dealt with for the past couple of years. Life is too short, and there's too much that's good in the world. Living in a state of high drama with it's attendant anxiety keeps one from 'smelling the roses' and 'finding the silver linings in clouds'. But feeling whole in one's individuality makes all that possible again.

 

Peace be with you, Laura. And with Jim as well.