coolio217 Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 alright this is a bit complicated so,i met my girlfriend when she was 4 months pregnant,her boyfriend was(is) in jail.we have a beautiful relatioship and at some point i though i loved her.its being a month since she had the baby and i'm starting to feel bad about rising a baby its not mine.what bothers me the most is if i stay with this girl i'm gonna miss a lot of fun about life cus i'm a lil young,and theres so many places i gotta ce.so any advice anyona could give me would be apreciated
Hurt & Alone Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 alright this is a bit complicated so,i met my girlfriend when she was 4 months pregnant,her boyfriend was(is) in jail.we have a beautiful relatioship and at some point i though i loved her.its being a month since she had the baby and i'm starting to feel bad about rising a baby its not mine.what bothers me the most is if i stay with this girl i'm gonna miss a lot of fun about life cus i'm a lil young,and theres so many places i gotta ce.so any advice anyona could give me would be apreciated Although the child is not legitimately yours does not mean you cant love the child as your own. A child's father does not necessarily have to be the one that helped make the child. A father is one that loves and cares for a child. With that being said, it sounds like you do not want to take on this responsibility. You stated "at some point I thought I loved her". When you love a person you have to love them as a whole and she has a child now and that is part of her whole from her on out. In addition, from this statment it is not clear if you truly love this woman. When a person takes on a responsibilty of child bearing the things that will be missed out on can not be dwelled on. Sounds as if you already know what you want to do.
disgracian Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 I agree, H&A. I think the OP has made up his mind and is seeking some way to legitimise it. It's a morally dubious situation to be in, for sure. I can't really say much, what with the scant details given, but it's clear that the OP is not mature enough to handle this responsibility, and this idea of "fun" that doesn't involve a serious relationship and a child is more important right now. In addition, from this statment it is not clear if you truly love this woman. Or even if he knows what love even is. What he is describing is something more fleeting, such as physical attraction or infatuation. Love isn't the sort of thing that shrivels up at the thought of missing out on "fun". Cheers, D.
Travis L Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 alright this is a bit complicated so,i met my girlfriend when she was 4 months pregnant,her boyfriend was(is) in jail.we have a beautiful relatioship and at some point i though i loved her.its being a month since she had the baby and i'm starting to feel bad about rising a baby its not mine.what bothers me the most is if i stay with this girl i'm gonna miss a lot of fun about life cus i'm a lil young,and theres so many places i gotta ce.so any advice anyona could give me would be apreciated I think you are looking at this the wrong way... What's important is if you truly love this girl... If you do (which I doubt as you are more concerned with having fun than starting a life with these two), then the baby shouldn't really matter. If what is important to you is not settling down, then you need to have a serious conversation with her. She may be heart broken but it is not fair to her, you, or the child for you to stay with them if you are not in it. You will spend the rest of your life resenting the fact that you lost out on such and such... Just know that you could look back after leaving them and say, "Damn, I really screwed that one up." Weigh what is important to you, talk to her about it, and make your decision. You may be doing the right thing by all involved by leaving... I think it sucks that you waited this long to figure it out... I'm sure you probably had conversations about the child before she delivered... Did you tell her something to the effect that you would love to help raise him/her?
Author coolio217 Posted September 3, 2007 Author Posted September 3, 2007 "In addition, from this statment it is not clear if you truly love this woman." -yea believe me i do why do u think i waited all of this time
BentSpine Posted September 3, 2007 Posted September 3, 2007 If I were you I would let the parents do the parenting and you could focus on being supportive of your partner.
Hurt & Alone Posted September 3, 2007 Posted September 3, 2007 "In addition, from this statment it is not clear if you truly love this woman." -yea believe me i do why do u think i waited all of this time Again, if you truly love this woman you will have to love her as a whole. This means the child as well. If you can not accept the child because it will interfere with "your fun" then walk away and let her find someone that can accept the entire package. Other than that, welcome to the world of self sacrafice.
disgracian Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 Of course he loves her...right up to the point where it becomes inconvenient or less fun to do so. Cheers, D.
Jinnah Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 If he really loved her, he wouldn't be on here asking a bunch of people if he should dump her or stay with her; he would already know.
allina Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 Okay, sorry but this is why I would never recommend a young man to commit to raising another man's child. It's different than dating a divorced woman who has children from a previous marriage. It seems like your gf has some problems, her baby's dad being in jail and all, and it isn't your job to take care of her. Did you know she was pregnant when you first started dating her? To me the idea of dating one guy while being pregnant with another's child is wrong to start with. You shouldn't feel bad about wanting to live your own life, if you love her and you really want this then stay but it's normal to not want to deal with her baggage.
Author coolio217 Posted September 4, 2007 Author Posted September 4, 2007 let me rephrase something.I DO LOVE HER.i love her like i never loved anyone before.thats why its so dificult for me to dump her,i really dont think i'll dump her.its just that is lot of weight i've put on my shoulders
Author coolio217 Posted September 4, 2007 Author Posted September 4, 2007 thx allina i really like your comment
allina Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 let me rephrase something.I DO LOVE HER.i love her like i never loved anyone before.thats why its so dificult for me to dump her,i really dont think i'll dump her.its just that is lot of weight i've put on my shoulders May I ask how old you are? You have been dating about 6 months, right? I don't want to be pessimistic but it is a lot of pressure on a relationship. Sure it can work but chances are slim. If you stick around make sure you guys have similar ideas in your role in her new family and that you set some boundaries.
Author coolio217 Posted September 4, 2007 Author Posted September 4, 2007 lets just say i'm young,really young
allina Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 lets just say i'm young,really young Well not that age is everything but I'd hate to see a young guy give up his life for this.
Author coolio217 Posted September 4, 2007 Author Posted September 4, 2007 i know,but how can i end this without feeling terribly bad?i would hate to breake her heart.like i say we have something beautiful going on....i been waiting on her to drop the ball or do something that'll give me reasons to leave her,but there's nothing,we haven't had a single argument all this time we've been together.i'll rather get hurt hurt myself than to make her feel bad.sorry i'm so confusing ican't even understand myself:(
Jinnah Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 sorry i'm so confusing ican't even understand myself:( If you love her so much, you can't imagine life without her, then stay with her. I get the feeling that is not the case though. You are young... that's a big responsibility. Lets put it this way. It's not your fault if you like her, but don't feel you can deal with this. It's not your fault if you think it's too much to handle. You are not a bad person if you leave. The baby's father is the one who messed up, not you. You didn't do anything wrong, and you shouldn't feel like you did. If you want to stay... stay, but realize how tough it will be (depending on exactly HOW young you are). I can tell you are a sweet person (for even considering sticking around)... you won't be any less sweet if you realize that you can't handle it. It would be worse to stick around, resent it, and THEN leave, especially after the baby gets all attached to you. On the other hand you could stick around, love it, and love the baby. I guess I'm not much help, but what I am trying to say is that no matter what decision you make, it does not make you a bad person. You would only be wrong if it was YOUR baby and you ditched her.
disgracian Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 It's clear that you're looking for a way out so you may as well end it with honesty. Tell her that you'd rather go out and have fun, thus implying that time spent with her is not fun. See how she reacts, but be prepared to beat a hasty retreat. If those are really your priorities, then claiming to love her is bad comedy. You're looking for an escape, just waiting and hoping she'll do or say something that will allow you to lay responsibility at her feet and say "she did it, not me" rather than own up to the reality of the situation. I know you're young, but that is still utterly piss-poor in my book. Cheers, D.
P5186 Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 I understand why you're thinking like this. If your really young like 16 or something then a gf having a baby which isn't yours is holding you back from doing what you want to do in life. Fair enough if it was yours but it's not. But on the other hand you love her and surely you could work around the baby. If I was in this situation I wouldn't know what to do either Simply because her ex would always be connected to her life some way or another.
Author coolio217 Posted September 19, 2007 Author Posted September 19, 2007 foranyone who was part of this post. yesterday a broke up with her everything went smooth she ask if we could be at least friends and that she was gonna miss me for all the good times we had,that just broke my heart in two pieces.i'm wondering how is she feeling now,i know i'm not feeling good at all.i think this deserves another tread.without getting to emotional let me just tell something to everyone out there whos thinking about breaking up with someone"think harder"and look around and ask yourself waht u really care about and what maters the most to you........................................
justfine Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 Coolio... It seems apparent that you are a decent human being with a good heart. I, for one, agree that you did the right thing. It's also good to hear that she understood your decision and decided not to pressure you into staying in this relationship. As was mentioned before, I think there is something wrong with this woman if she started dating you while she was pregnant with another man's baby. It's not a good sign. Most of all, you owe it to yourself to pick your relationships carefully. They are difficult enough to nurture and maintain with everything going for you. At this point, you have too many things going against you from the start. If you had stayed in this relationship, you would have to deal with the father of the child sometime in the future. A man who is currently in prison is not likely to be very fond of you playing daddy to his baby and having sex with his woman. Could be very dangerous to say the least.
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