Lostgurl Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 Hey everybody . I have a friend that is going through a few problems with her SO of 3 years. They are exclusive, and pretty serious, as they have spoken about marriage in the past. Anyway, lately she's noticed that when he speaks of the future and makes plans, that she hasn't been included in any of them. The other day, when they were talking about the future, he noticed that something was bothering her. He asked her what she was upset about, but she didn't want to voice her concern because she was afraid he'd get mad. He promised that he wouldn't and he kept insisting. She mentioned that maybe she was being oversenstive, but told him that she noticed that there isn't any mention of her when he speaks of future plans. She told him calmly, i mean, she was afraid of him being upset in the first place, so you could imagine that she said it with care. He blew up on her and told her that if she keeps saying crap like that, then they'd have no future. Then he left! She hasn't heard from him in 5 days. He hasn't called or anything. WTF???? Obviously she is very frustrated with his behavior, i mean she can't express her concerns, even when she expressed them calmly, and after him insisting, and he still acts like this. Any views and opinions would be awesome, thanks .
Touche Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 If a woman is walking on eggshells and scared to talk to her b/f about her concerns, it means one thing to me. Her b/f is a bully and probably an abuser. It's not a healthy or normal relationship. And he sounds like an immature jerk. Why do women put up with that kind of crap? It also sounds like he was getting ready to dump her anyway. Sounds like he's doing her a huge favor if you ask me.
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 Its the beginning of the end. He has stopped including her in his future, and got very defensive/angry when he was called out on it. I expect he feels guilty for his emotional backout and backed into a corner, and in cases like this guilt speaks louder than words... It may not be the end end yet, but this is how the end of relationships start. Can she prevent it from ending? Probably - because you can control a relationship to a certain extent, but you can't control the emotions (or lack of them) behind the relationship, but she can't prevent him from falling out of love if that is what is happening. When a person starts falling out of love, you can't stop them any more than you can stop a person from falling in love. If you try to stop the process, it just escalates it further. Your friend would do well to take the opposite approach, and hand his behavior back to him twice what he is handing her. She needs to distance herself while remaining polite to him when he contacts her (and she should not contact him). Think "chilly" in terms of her interactions. She needs to stop talking about the future, stop talking about the relationship, and back way off for right now. The only way a person in his position sees how their behavior is affecting their partner is when it is mirrored back at them. A person who is falling out of love still wants to keep the relationship until they reach the point where their emotional investment has dropped past the "point of no emotional return". He may still have enough left in him to want to hold on. The only way to tell is for her to jerk it out from under his feet and see how he reacts. Men who are going through this resent when their women try to hang on and 'fight' for the relationship, and will slip further away. When their women turn it on them, and walk away - then the part of them that still wants to hold on may end up being what makes them decide that they really do want the relationship.
desdemona Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 This has always been the case….he ups and leaves and won’t speak to me until I come around. Is this bullying or controlling? He knows that I don’t deal with problems the way he does..ie ignoring them. This is his personality. He has no friends and won’t speak to his family. I just don’t understand how someone can do this to the people that they are suppose to love?? Example: We made reservations to go to Las Vegas a few months ago. A few days before the trip we get into an argument. So two days before we are suppose to go he says he wants to cancel. I literally beg him not to cancel, losing respect for myself in the process. He eventually relents and agrees to go. On the trip, he tells me that he never intended to cancel-he just wanted me to ‘see’ how ‘bad’ I was for my part of the argument. He also says that he let it go on for so long (my begging) that he started feeling sorry for me. Things did get physical in Las Vegas. But I hesitate saying it’s his fault because I did fight back-I just wanted out of the room! I went to sleep that night with him holding an ice pack on my jaw and the next morning my forearms were so swollen that I couldn’t put my watch on. He woke up with bruises as well. It had never gotten to that point and he did feel really bad the next day, saying that we will never let it get to that point again. He said it scared him. While typing this, I realize how bad this sounds. Obviously there are really good qualities to our relationship or I and he wouldn’t have stuck around for 3 years. I don’t even really know what I’m asking of you guys, but I think it’s to believe you and your advice--and not believe him anymore. I'm just having a hard time understanding all this. Thank you to all (and especially you LostGurl-you’re a great friend:love:
allina Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 Disappearing on your SO of 5 years, especially for no good reason should never ever be tolerated or accepted. It seems like this guy needs to feel like he can put his gf 'in her place' or something. Also it looks like the relationship is over and since she noticed his actions changed and said something about it he's speeding up the process of destroying the relationship.
Sleek Geek Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 Things did get physical in Las Vegas. But I hesitate saying it’s his fault because I did fight back-I just wanted out of the room! I went to sleep that night with him holding an ice pack on my jaw and the next morning my forearms were so swollen that I couldn’t put my watch on. He woke up with bruises as well. My mother grew up seeing her parents act out their arguments physically. She always says I can fall in love with whoever I want, just as long as they don't beat me. I believe, like her, that nothing ever justifies violence, especially violence directed towards the person you are supposed to love and care for the most.
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