LucreziaBorgia Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 1. he told me he was divorced. I did not find out he was married until we had been together some time. By this point I was in love with him, hes my first love & I decided to stay & wait. 2. I just want you guys to know I am not some heartless home wrecker, I love this man & would not be with him if I thought I would always be the OW. He has always promised me that he will be with me, sometimes he looks at me & says hes imagining me pregnant with his child. 1. So... your relationship started on a lie, and continues because you chose to overlook the fact that he is a liar. Yet, you believe that even though he hooked you with a lie, that somehow being 'in love' means he can no longer lie to you? Falling in love with a liar doesn't change the fact that he is a liar. It only blinds you to the fact that he is a liar. Its like that old story about the person who picks up a dying snake and heals it, only to have the snake bite him later. As the snake says... "Well, its your fault - you knew I was a snake." 2. MM will say stuff like that, because it keeps OW exactly where he wants her. They will talk about a future with you, babies with you - pretty much anything that keeps you around and complacent. If you were to actually get pregnant, it would be a whole different story. Never, ever confuse "affair/fantasy" talk with the real deal, and for G_d's sake don't base your happiness or future on it. Trust me on this one, this is a MM/MW's worst nightmare - to actually have your bluff called in cases like this, and have your OW/OM push to get you to disrupt your family situation. The affair isn't so much fun when you have to deal with all of the "when are you going to get a divorce and leave" stuff. No one gets into an affair to get that sort of grief, and that is pretty much what kills the affair. Push him hard enough and you'll get the "I owe it to my wife to work on our marriage" talk, and you'll get dumped. If the MM/MW is ready to leave, then they will take clear and unmistakable steps in doing so. If they are not ready to leave, you'll get the sort of waffling that you are getting now. As for the "heartless homewrecker" - you may not be a heartless person, but helping a man destroy his family by agreeing to cheat with him is a thoroughly heartless action, regardless of how "in love" you two are. Being "in love" does not make it any less of a heinous act. You would do well to live your life for yourself right now. Make plans for your future that are not contingent on MM.
frannie Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 Sorry, I didnt mean to make you mad, I just wanted people to know that I am not in the habit of having affairs with married men & I didnt get into this lightly or easily. Mad for you. And it's obvious from your posts that you'd never have chosen to get involved with a MM, much less 'make a habit of it'. I don't think there are many women who would act like that on this forum anyway, or even in life... women (and men) get involved with married people because of what they're led to believe. Same way that I got involved with my MM because he believed (and led me to believe) that his relationship was over and he was all but out of the door emotionally... Well that may have been true, but it didn't happen physically. By the time everyone realises the score it's very late in the day to be backing out of the emotional ties. By the way, if you hadn't realised (and I'm sure you have), you'll get plenty of other people on here beating you up verbally because of your choices. So no need to do it to yourself... be a little kinder on yourself. You don't deserve the mental anguish... HE was the one who lied to you til you were embroiled in the affair, remember.
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 CAT, I'm sorry for your situation but I understand your need to see how it pans out. If waiting for him is what you want to do, back up that plan with building a full life for yourself - and then if your R with MM does not transpire, at least you will still be that independent career girl who has spent time with her friends and has built a life for herself in absence of MM. It could work that once MM is away every 3 weeks out of 4 and you're so busy concentrating on your own life instead of moulding your schedule around his, that he doesn't become such a pretty prospect in your future. Nobody knows what happens in the future. MM could well leave and build a future with you - who knows? He could also move abroad and leave your R. Nobody can predict the future or what will happen. But you can plan for the future, and ensuring you start to put your own needs at the forefront is your safety net to the possible pain you could experience if this R doesn't work out.
Mino Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 I appreciate what you have all said & I kinda expected it but it still hurts to read This LDR thing has only been the last month or so, and he said it was all about his kids not her. He has boys & they are a bit unmanageable, his wife just said she couldnt deal with having full time responsibility for them for 2-3 weeks out of 4 for the next year. So he said he had to move the kids to be with him otherwise they'd go off the rails. I do see that his kids have to come first & this has been something Ive never had a problem with. I just cant throw everything away now because of this move. His house here is currently being rented out until they all come back. I made enquiries with the estate agent & they said the rental agreement is 1 year, which is what he said. For me I need to wait until the deadline has passed, and get on with getting a job here etc so that if (hopefully more 'when' not 'if') he comes back there will be no reason for us to not be together. There will not be finances to hide behind, if thats what he's doing. I guess until then I will have hope & this is last chance time, if things are not worked out next summer then Ill call it quits but until then I just cant I know some of you may think Im being pathetic & I can understand that, but Ive put so much into this relationship that I cant quit until its really spelled out for me & I have lost all hope. And until the deadline of next summer Im going to keep hanging in there Hi Cat, How old are the kids? The reason I ask, is I am from abroaqd and private school is Very very expensive, around $13,000 to 20,000 a year per child. So if he is so financial straped and has used this excuse, it seems to me that they are not that bad off to afford the private schools. Also 12 airline tickets a year, hhhmmm, I dono, it does not add up,
Mino Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 OK. That sounds logical enough. And I don't think there's any real way you can tell what will or won't happen in a year's time anyway. Whatever the circumstances next September he could still find half a dozen reasons why he can't be with you. And you WILL understand, sympathise, and you will have then invested six years of your life. But you're not going to just give up on him at this moment, because of your years already invested, the fact you believe in his love (and I'm not saying he doesn't love you...), and the fact you have reasons to hope and he has some good excuses/reasons to stay married. SO. What do you do..? Find a way to not give up on him and the possibilities, but put yourself first. Don't put your life on hold for him. Take up all opportunities offered, even if (perhaps especially if) they conflict with this future you and he have envisaged. GO OUT to deliberately embrace life and everything it has to offer you. You only get one chance, so don't go blowing another 12 months mooching around waiting for that special tomorrow because that's no way to live. Think about this: he's off abroad with his family... (for whatever reasons doesn't matter)... is he putting your relationship first..? NO. Don't you invest one iota more into this than he is doing, because if you do, you'll be kicking yourself in a year's time. All you're doing is narrowing down your options when you should be ready to take flight and enjoy your future... Think of him, and a future with him as one possibility out of a hundred you could have... and then allow those other possibilities to happen... Great Post!!! I can only say, I have gone through at least 7-8 deadlines, and each one he had a different legit excuse...Always another one in his pocket, amazing, and its been 3 years. Best advice, use this time to get out, meet new people ,who knows what will happen in one year, ust dont sit at home staring atb the wall, no fun,
norajane Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 The reason Ive stuck with him so long is that I believe one day I will not be the OW and I would not stay with him if he came back & said he wasnt going to be with me. Yes, and it's been 5 looooonggggg yeeeeaaarrrsssss that he's been saying that he's going to be with you, really he is, when x, y, z, h, t, and k happen... He's NEVER going to come right out and tell you that he's going to stay with his wife and he's not going to be with you. He'll keep stringing you along as he has for the past five years...for as long as you let him.
Author CAT100 Posted September 2, 2007 Author Posted September 2, 2007 If only our mothers had taught us what we were worth, the all or nothing thing would have stopped this woman from settling for marriage in name only and you from believing a week a month is a 'good deal'. Yes I agree, however even if his W had not gone abroad with him, he would still only be back 1 week out of 4 and in that time he would have to see his W & kids & me too. At least now I get to see him for the whole week. I dont really understand how his W has forgiven so many affairs but Im not really in postion to judge her & Im sure she also wonders why I still stick with him when I know about her
whichwayisup Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 I dont really understand how his W has forgiven so many affairs but Im not really in postion to judge her & Im sure she also wonders why I still stick with him when I know about her Well, for one thing, she is married to him, has children with him. What are your real ties to him besides being the OW? What do you have invested in him, other than emotional ties? Don't mean to sound rude, just a question to ask yourself, that's all. And, are you truely happy waiting for a MM to figure out if he is really going to dump his wife and kids for you? Can you wait and are you willing to wait another 5 years for him?
Author CAT100 Posted September 2, 2007 Author Posted September 2, 2007 ^ Yes I see your point. I know she mainly just wants a family set up, doesnt want to be a sigle parent & he is an amzing father to their kids. No I am not going to wait another 5 years, Im giving him until next summer, which is when he is due back, and then if he wont leave Im gone. I dont have finacial ties obviously & I dont have his children, but Ive invested a lot of time, emotion & hope into this relationship. If he leaves I would want to marry & settle down with him. I feel like I have met my life partner & this is why Im holding out for him
Author CAT100 Posted September 2, 2007 Author Posted September 2, 2007 Also, he has always said he will be leaving the kids not her. I have heard from both him & her that they are together for the kids & for conveniece. She even told me they sleep in separate rooms & as long as hes a good dad & doesnt flaunt affairs in her face then she will let him live in the family home.
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 ].....but I would like to add that when I met him I was very young & inexperienced' date=' and he told me he was divorced. I did not find out he was married until we had been together some time.[/b']You just lost all credibility with that statement. Why are you putting your trust into a con man? You're living at home and still in college which obviously means you're YOUNG. Add to that the fact that this started 5 YEARS ago - did the creep hit on you while you were you in HIGH SCHOOL? You're obviously too young to understand how you're being conned, but one day when you're an adult you will.
Author CAT100 Posted September 2, 2007 Author Posted September 2, 2007 ^LOL! Thats not really fair, I was at uni, dropped out & restarted. I met him when I was 20, Im now 26, Im not a child.. When I was 20 I hadnt had any serious relationships, let alone been an OW & so was totally out of my depth. I still live at home for financial reasons- as Ive gone back to uni I cant afford to move out. Property is ridiculously expensive here in the UK I really would not describe my MM as a 'con man' its not like that at all. I am an adult woman, he didnt prey on me. I was just making the point that I was a naive 20 year old & he is older than me by quite a bit so I was very out of my depth when dealing with the situation due to lack of life experience. Sorry for the misunderstanding, I hope I have now cleared it up
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 .. but Ive invested a lot of time, emotion & hope into this relationship.Honestly, do you think his WIFE doesn't feel the same way - but about a million times stronger? Do you not think she had all these dreams herself when she married this con man? Except she's mortgaged HER home to the hilt, banking on this guy and their future. Not to be harsh, but your hopes and dreams don't mean much in the face of this. She even told me they sleep in separate rooms & as long as hes a good dad & doesnt flaunt affairs in her face then she will let him live in the family home. Let me ask you something. Did she "tell" you this via email? You said you refused to talk to her but emailed her. Guess what? Your lying con man is a CON MAN. You've probably been corresponding with HIM. I'd bet the farm on it. Unless you meet her FACE TO FACE and hear it from her own lips, you don't know SQUAT.
Author CAT100 Posted September 2, 2007 Author Posted September 2, 2007 ^ I said that my LAST CONTACT with her was via email and this was a YEAR AGO. In earlier posts I stated that she had found out about me very early on- more info on this is that i MET HER! and she told me that info IN PERSON! I dont mean to be rude but could you double check that you have the full facts before jumping down my neck and telling me i 'dont know squat'
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 I really would not describe my MM as a 'con man' its not like that at all. I am an adult woman, he didnt prey on me. I was just making the point that I was a naive 20 year old & he is older than me...You seem like a sweet girl but you need to know that my anger is NOT directed at you - it's directed at the older CON MAN who took advantage of a 20 year old GIRL with his LIES and MANIPULATION. Stop making EXCUSES for his behavior, Cat. STOP IT. You're only fooling yourself when you say he didn't prey on you. He DID. He wanted a young playmate (don't most men?) and LIED TO YOU in order to GET WHAT HE WANTED. He did it, knowing full well you'd be CRUSHED when you found out he wasn't really available - and he did it ANYWAY. Where was his regard for YOU, Cat? When he lying to you and tricking you DAY AFTER DAY, giving you FALSE HOPE for a future that didn't really exist. Where was his concern for YOU when he was doing that every day? WHERE???? Don't say, "it isn't like that at all." It's EXACTLY like that. He lied to you and manipulated you because he knew you were young enough and naive enough to FALL for it. Your GREATEST mistake was not dumping him the SECOND you'd found out he'd lied to you. All you taught him by staying with him is that you have NO PRIDE and NO SELF RESPECT because you'll allow someone to blatantly DECEIVE you and you'll STILL stay with him, hoping to marry him. God that is so sad. If you were my daughter I would have castrated this pervert for sniffing around my 20 year old daughter.
pricillia Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 You seem like a sweet girl but you need to know that my anger is NOT directed at you - it's directed at the older CON MAN who took advantage of a 20 year old GIRL with his LIES and MANIPULATION. Stop making EXCUSES for his behavior, Cat. STOP IT. You're only fooling yourself when you say he didn't prey on you. He DID. He wanted a young playmate (don't most men?) and LIED TO YOU in order to GET WHAT HE WANTED. He did it, knowing full well you'd be CRUSHED when you found out he wasn't really available - and he did it ANYWAY. Where was his regard for YOU, Cat? When he lying to you and tricking you DAY AFTER DAY, giving you FALSE HOPE for a future that didn't really exist. Where was his concern for YOU when he was doing that every day? WHERE???? Don't say, "it isn't like that at all." It's EXACTLY like that. He lied to you and manipulated you because he knew you were young enough and naive enough to FALL for it. Your GREATEST mistake was not dumping him the SECOND you'd found out he'd lied to you. All you taught him by staying with him is that you have NO PRIDE and NO SELF RESPECT because you'll allow someone to blatantly DECEIVE you and you'll STILL stay with him, hoping to marry him. God that is so sad. If you were my daughter I would have castrated this pervert for sniffing around my 20 year old daughter. Thank-God she isn't your daughter! The only sad thing is you because you are a control freak!
frannie Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 He wanted a young playmate (don't most men?) and LIED TO YOU in order to GET WHAT HE WANTED. He did it, knowing full well you'd be CRUSHED when you found out he wasn't really available - and he did it ANYWAY. Where was his regard for YOU, Cat? When he lying to you and tricking you DAY AFTER DAY, giving you FALSE HOPE for a future that didn't really exist. Where was his concern for YOU when he was doing that every day? WHERE???? Don't say, "it isn't like that at all." It's EXACTLY like that. He lied to you and manipulated you because he knew you were young enough and naive enough to FALL for it. Yes, she was young and naive enough to fall for it. But it's really hard not to fall for LIES... people lie all the time and why, because it works. So why beat her up..? HE is the one who did this, not her. So don't blame her for her lack of self-respect, mistakes made, etc... those natural choices were all taken away from her by someone lying to a younger person in order to win her heart for his own reasons. Unless you have no clue of human nature you'd know... affection and the need to believe in people (let alone love) is strong enough to overcome and put aside the lies and frailty in others... right..? That's what HE played on... so why criticise her for behaving exactly as he knew she would..? But that's to say he behaved callously, in premeditated fashion... and we just don't know that. Everyone is weak at times, ridiculous, self-centred, believing they know best and can sort things out for everyone... yes..?
scaredinlove Posted September 3, 2007 Posted September 3, 2007 Hey Cat You are young enough and if you want wait another yr that is OK, but don't wait too many... I have been in it for 5yrs too and I am happy with the situation because I have kids, I have been married.I know that I am not built for marriage. I am happier alone, found it since my exh left the house months ago.I know now I will never be happy married. I lived with a fiance before my H. So for me the sitiation is good. If you want to have a family and get married than this is not the best situation for you. Make sure you go out and have fun when he is abroad don't just sit home and agonisze OK! (((((hugs))))))))
GreenEyedLady Posted September 3, 2007 Posted September 3, 2007 Cat: I think the best thing for you to do is decide what you want...And if you want to wait, then wait awhile...But only if he's meeting your needs... You can be in this type of R and still have self-respect and pride...Know who YOU are and what you NEED...In the end, that's what matters... GEL
scaredinlove Posted September 3, 2007 Posted September 3, 2007 [quote= Your GREATEST mistake was not dumping him the SECOND you'd found out he'd lied to you. All you taught him by staying with him is that you have NO PRIDE and NO SELF RESPECT because you'll allow someone to blatantly DECEIVE you and you'll STILL stay with him, hoping to marry him. God that is so sad. If you were my daughter I would have castrated this pervert for sniffing around my 20 year old daughter. Listen she didn't come her to be lacture by you.You have no respect to her by talking too her like that. She is sweet,sensitive and smart,I am sure she has a lot of self-respect, and who tha heck needs pride??? Keep you pride for yourself and get off her back. She will make the decision that is better for her in due time,she came here for support not to be offended. You owe her an appology.
scaredinlove Posted September 3, 2007 Posted September 3, 2007 Honestly, do you think his WIFE doesn't feel the same way - but about a million times stronger? Do you not think she had all these dreams herself when she married this con man? Except she's mortgaged HER home to the hilt, banking on this guy and their future. Not to be harsh, but your hopes and dreams don't mean much in the face of this. Let me ask you something. Did she "tell" you this via email? You said you refused to talk to her but emailed her. Guess what? Your lying con man is a CON MAN. You've probably been corresponding with HIM. I'd bet the farm on it. Unless you meet her FACE TO FACE and hear it from her own lips, you don't know SQUAT. Are you his wife advocate?????????The wife dosen't mind he has affairs... For all I know she could even be happy with the arrangement. I remember wishing my exH would have an affair since I could not stand him. Leave the wife out of it and concentrate on her question..
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