freakygal78 Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 I have been going out lately with a guy I met in a chatroom recently. We chatted intensely for a week and found we had a lot in common and he asked me to meet him for lunch a week later. As I had been through a breakup about 2 months ago I wanted to take things slow but I said yes. The first time he phoned me I noticed he had a slight speech impediment and I wasn't sure what to think. I'm a pretty open-minded person so I didn't let it bother me. Before I met him, he told me he had a slight limp so that I wouldn't be surprised when I saw him in person - again this was fine by me, I already liked the person he was from our chats etc. I didn't realise the extent of his disability till I met him for the first time - it seemed his slight limp was a lot worse than I had imagined and I gathered he might have cerebral palsy or something similar. Regardless, we had a nice lunch and went to see a movie afterwards. I did not know what to think - it threw me a little even though I am a community worker and have worked with all types of people before. We went out again a week later and that's when he told me he had mild CP. He has a job as a radio announcer and so his disability doesn't really disable him so much. He is a smart, witty and funny guy. He is a strong person and has similar goals and values to me. I guess the public response thus far has been bewilderment when an able-bodied woman like me goes out with him to shows and movies and we get stares and all kinds of ignorant comments. I am attracted to him but I guess I am taking this slow as because of his condition, I don't want to start something with him prematurely and then realise it wont work out and make him feel rejected because of his disability. It would not be that per se but more so that I am still healing from my last relationship break-up. I told him I am happy to see him on a casual basis as a friend even though I know his feelings for me are more than that of a friend. There is so much of a stigma attached to dating people with a disability but I am so drawn to him as he has such a big heart and is so kind and considerate towards me more so than the able-bodied guys I have dated so far. I really don't know what to do. I guess I should follow my heart but the implications are so great I guess I am just treading with caution - what is your take on this situation? We have fun together but a future with him - I just don't know...
lindya Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 You've said that this guy is smart, strong person, and if things don't happen to work out between you, no doubt he'll deal with that...but if from the outset you're focused on his disablity being a reason for things possibly not working out, then he's probably going to pick up on that. However strong a person is, being rejected for something that's personal, outwith their control and probably an issue they've spent a lot of time and effort coming to terms with, is going to be hard to take....and yes, there is that possibility that you might decide things aren't working out for an entirely unrelated reason, and he might perceive the rejection as being connected to his disability. You know all this, and it's put you in a dilemma. Worrying about him feeling rejected as a result of his disability is encouraging you to focus on it....and there's a possibility that precisely because you're worrying about it so much, you'll end up doing exactly that thing you fear doing - ie rejecting him for it. I would be inclined to simply focus on and enjoy the many positive aspects this man has on offer, and not spend time fretting about the possibility of hurting him (thereby turning him into a victim in your mind, when he doesn't sound anything like a victim in reality) or analysing whether the two of you have a future together. You've only known eachother for a short time. Just take the approach you would with anyone else - that you're still in the process of getting to know eachother, and aren't therefore in a position to contemplate what the future might hold for you both.
Curmudgeon Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 Yes I would, if the quality of their character met my wants my needs, my standards. My wife has a disorder, bipolar type 2. While it's a factor we both have to deal with on a near constant basis, the disorder does not define her as a person. That she does on her own. To reject someone for something they didn't ask for, can't help and are powerless to change can often be tantamount to throwing out the baby with the bath water!
whichwayisup Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 Guess it all depends on how much you allow yourself to like him, feel attracted to him and let whatever it is between you two to grow...IF you feel you can't handle his CP, or all that it brings (though he does seem perfectly normal and functioning fine) then end it now before you both get hurt. Do some research on CP, understand what it is and if it will progress, get worse etc...
whichwayisup Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 Now to answer your question...If I had deep feelings and felt that the relationship could be a wonderful thing, I would take the chance.
Author freakygal78 Posted September 2, 2007 Author Posted September 2, 2007 Thanks guys - this all helps - it's a lot to consider as he is a decent person all round and I would not want to mess him about hence me taking it slow and seeing what develops - we had lunch in the park today and then a coffee which was rather pleasant...he's getting a bit cheeky now though with the innuendo...hehe...need to make a decision soon before we go that one step too far...
Krytellan Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 He would not be surprised by any reaction you had to his illness. He has likely heard it all and probably would appreciate directness over roundaboutness. If it bothers you, it bothers you. It doesn't make you a bad person if it bothers you. We all have our thing. I know you're only seeing him casually, and I feel rather silly saying this, but remember, it's genetic and can be passed to children. Just throwing that out there in case you're a "planner"
Author freakygal78 Posted September 3, 2007 Author Posted September 3, 2007 Actually cerebral palsy is not something passed down to children as I have done some research into this - and nearing thirty, yes I do consider this when making a decision about having a possible long-term relationship with someone. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think CP is hereditary.
sb129 Posted September 3, 2007 Posted September 3, 2007 If you are having a good time with this guy, then I would go for it. I think what LIndya said about you focusing on his disability being a reason for splitting up was great. He sounds like a wonderful person, who has achieved alot despite his disability, which says good things about his character. If you end up falling in love with him, you won't even notice his disability in the end. No doubt he is used to the stares etc, in time you probably will get used to it too.
Recommended Posts