danis Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 I already posted this question on another thread, but could someone tell me at what point is it that you've crossed the line and it is considered cheating. Is it kissing, touching or is it just intercourse? Or is an emotional affair really cheating?
Curmudgeon Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 Is it kissing, touching or is it just intercourse? Or is an emotional affair really cheating? All of the above!
code five Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 Emotional affairs are probably the worst kind - at least that is what I have been reading... Ours was an EA and then turned physical... But, yes to echo Curmudgeon - ALL OF THE ABOVE.
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 at what point is it that you've crossed the line and it is considered cheating. The second that interest becomes intent.
Author danis Posted September 1, 2007 Author Posted September 1, 2007 So, how do you find the strength to end the EA, when you have very deep feelings, possibly be in love with the other person.
code five Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 Someone else should answer your last question on how to find the strength - I wish I could, but based on what I just went through... I can only say - be very careful. Chances are you will end up heart broken as well as his W... Be very very careful in moving forward with this. When I use the word careful I dont mean as in secretive - I mean careful in your decision to move forward with this EA. You could always draw the line and say - Sorry, I'm ok with friends - but nothing more... Hell, I don't even know if that would work
Author danis Posted September 1, 2007 Author Posted September 1, 2007 We've already made it quite clear, that there will be nothing pyhsical. But then you try and come up with reassons why kissing or touching would be ok as long as you don't go too far etc... It's just too difficult to separate the emotional from the physical.
code five Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 It's just too difficult to separate the emotional from the physical. It really is and once you start down that path, forever will it dominate your destiny... (LOL - sorry, that was a quote). You may want to check this out - http://marriage.about.com/od/infidelity/ss/emotionalaffair.htm I know its hard to end - believe me, we all do. If you have a chance, take a look at my thread... ours started out as an EA - look where it is now... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t128668/
code five Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 One more final thought... Just take a moment and consider - not only are your feelings and life at stake here... your OM and your H are in this mix. Sorry, I may be a bit jaded for this thread since I was the OM...
Author danis Posted September 1, 2007 Author Posted September 1, 2007 Yes, I've already thought everything thru. The last thing I want is an affair. I would never ever want to hurt my family. This EA has been going on for 3 years. I can't seem to remove myself from him, as I have told him numerous times, its over. He just laughs cuz he knows I can't go a day without talking to him. ' I think I may be in love with the idea of him, he's not even attractive. I just love the way he makes me feel. It's just a really good feeling to be with him and I can't seem to quit that. I honestly think I would never sleep with him.
Lyssa Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 You can get out of it. Just cut all ties. Don't contact him whatsoever! You have to be strong... Good luck!
Author danis Posted September 1, 2007 Author Posted September 1, 2007 I'm going to do my best...although it's very difficult when I see him everday. Perhaps I have an obsession is that possible? If so how do you go about dealing with that?
code five Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 It is an obsession. Obsession of fantasy/dream/etc. One thing I do suggest, if you do decide to cut all ties - explain it and then DO IT. I'm not sure where his emotions lie with you, but if he has developed serious feelings and believes you both have a future at some point - you should explain the break. Be strong and good luck
empty906 Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 So, how do you find the strength to end the EA, when you have very deep feelings, possibly be in love with the other person. I think you have to make the decision to end the EA now, deep down, before you even begin the process. If you think you might can, somehow, fool yourself into not loving this person or trick yourself into believing it was something not as strong you will only prolong the task of ending it all. If you love the person, you love them. Can't go back and do anything about it at this point. Can you "un-love" someone? Hmm, I don't think so, at least not over a short period of time. From my experience with trying to stop loving the other person and love the one I am with it is the most difficult thing I have ever tried to do. One thing that did work for me was to refocus my perspective. Instead of seeing everything she did as perfect and acceptable I let the annoying things start to annoy me. Her little idiosyncrasy's were then visible with my blinders taken off. She is just as normal as we all are, she has flaws, she can do things that really piss me off and she can be a bitch. We see what we want to see. Look at him differently and you will see things, faults, that are turn-offs. Enough of that coupled with your earlier decision to begin walking away from him and you have yourself on track to leave. But the memories follow...and that still sucks.
bish Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 I already posted this question on another thread, but could someone tell me at what point is it that you've crossed the line and it is considered cheating. Is it kissing, touching or is it just intercourse? Or is an emotional affair really cheating? Kissing is enough. An emotional affair I would consider cheating as well. Why an EA is cheating? Because obviously if your partner is emotionally involved with someone else(as well as physical) then their heart doesn't completely belong to you.
scaredinlove Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 Kissing is enough. An emotional affair I would consider cheating as well. Why an EA is cheating? Because obviously if your partner is emotionally involved with someone else(as well as physical) then their heart doesn't completely belong to you. EA is not cheating, but it can lead too. MM and I also said we would not EVER cross the line, we said we would never get physical. After a yr we crossed the line and been crossing since than. As for ending it is up to you, I decided to stay.It has been 5 yrs now. Good luck.
Mustang Sally Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 Sounds like you are in a tough situation. I think there are only 2 things that could REALLY help you. 1) NO CONTACT. 2) Individual counseling. Hang in there, and do the right thing. You'll be better for it in the long run.
Author danis Posted September 1, 2007 Author Posted September 1, 2007 scaredinlove It's been five years since what? You've been having an affair, or 5 yrs since you broke it off? If it has been 5 yrs having an affair have you not been caught?
Author danis Posted September 1, 2007 Author Posted September 1, 2007 Sorry, another question. I've stated b4 that I feel like I have an obsession, maybe not love. Perhaps I do need some councelling. What kind of councellor would I need to see?
JamesM Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 I already posted this question on another thread, but could someone tell me at what point is it that you've crossed the line and it is considered cheating. Is it kissing, touching or is it just intercourse? Or is an emotional affair really cheating? It is all of the above and more. Cheating has occurred as soon as you have a relationship with someone whom you feel that you must keep secret. It can even be that you fantasize about someone, and this fantasy consumes your life to the point that you cheat your spouse out of your "love." You may simply have a friend whom you have never told your spouse about. The question always is...why do I feel that I need to keep/protect this relationship from my spouse? In your case, having a deep connection with a fellow worker for three years while being married, can be considered an affair and cheating IF you have not told your husband or hold the true relationship from your husband.
JamesM Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 Sorry, another question. I've stated b4 that I feel like I have an obsession, maybe not love. Perhaps I do need some councelling. What kind of councellor would I need to see? You and your husband need a marriage counselor. He needs to know how you feel about your coworker and why. The two of you need to rebuild that close friendship that would supersede the friendship with your coworker. Your husband needs to be your confidante and best friend. You do not need personal counseling IMO. But if you do not try to rebuild your marriage, you will be needing a divorce lawyer.
blowingthetrout Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 the question is when DON'T I cross the line!!My sensual schnoz always senses sexy schlongs! It's genetic.
Author danis Posted September 2, 2007 Author Posted September 2, 2007 My H is my best friend. We couldn't really get any closer. Seriously he is my best friend and I tell him everything. (other than this and the occasional shopping spree) All kidding aside, I love him more than anything in the whole world and that's why I don't think anything will happen with this OM. I plan on spending the rest of my life with him, without cheating of course. This is why I think this EA may be just an obsession that I need some councelling for.
JamesM Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 My H is my best friend. We couldn't really get any closer. Seriously he is my best friend and I tell him everything. (other than this and the occasional shopping spree) All kidding aside, I love him more than anything in the whole world and that's why I don't think anything will happen with this OM. I plan on spending the rest of my life with him, without cheating of course. This is why I think this EA may be just an obsession that I need some councelling for. First, let me say that IF your husband is your best friend, then you would feel free to talk to him about how this relationship with your coworker is a little too close. But I think you WANT this relationship to be "on the edge" of an affair. And not telling him about this "friendship" does allow you to stray..even if you say you never will. BUT...if you tell your husband, then you know that you will never feel free to go over that line. Second, most everyone who "fell into" an affair did not plan on doing it. In fact, most would say before the affair what you are saying now. If you love your husband "more than anything," then you MUST tell him about this man, so that you will not hurt him in the future. I think you are avoiding that because you don't want to hurt him...AND you don't want to lose the OM. I think a counselor would tell you that you need no contact with this coworker and honesty with your husband. You are infatuated with this man because he fills some need that you do not have filled by your husband. The question is...what do you like about this OM that makes you want to keep him a secret?
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