underpants Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 Okay, I might be in a mood. I also thought about posting this in the rant section. However, I see thread after thread about ex's and their effects on relationships. So I thought my rant/quandray might be better served here. Here is the thing. I think I try to go for guys who have ...no issues with the ex, upfront. I would really like it if they are out of their life. However I understand about kids and that stuff. Romantically, they need to be gone. It is not a competition folks. Let the ex win if it comes to that. The ex that brought me here. I remember distinctly asking over our first lunch how long it had been since he had spoken to his ex. He countered by asking me how long. I answered...about 7 months. His response was over a year (this was a lie). Three months into our relationship I sat him down in my kitchen and said. "If you have any feelings or are still in love with your ex, we should stop all intimacy and just be friends". He countered with alot of b/s. Side note...this was the morning after he came to my house too drunk to drive and complaining how his ex was mean to him. (I should have dumped him here). Once he told me...I broke the 3 month no contact rule (something he learned here, because he gave the name). I remember thinking ...that is hard to do if you said you two have not spoken in a year? I may have even said it. Heck, I don't even know anymore. The thing is people. If they are still hung up in any way on someone from their past there is no way for you to be everything to them. Part of knowing who you want is knowing who to rule out.
directx Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 Good post unders. And it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. I think you are totally correct.
Lyssa Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 Why is it that people always counter back with a question?? Unders, I feel you.. I don't think I can be with someone who is still hung up over their ex.
Author underpants Posted September 1, 2007 Author Posted September 1, 2007 Why is it that people always counter back with a question?? Unders, I feel you.. I don't think I can be with someone who is still hung up over their ex. Well the counter thing is a wait and see ploy. That is just a tactic. However, you do not need to feel for me. I am out of the cloud of silliness. I guess I felt like watching the fence for those who are confused. My ex is an extreme example into the manipulations of the ex syndrome and he has it down to an art. As an artist myself, I found the whole bit a little offensive. I boiled that bunny down to an disagreement between two creative souls. However, the lesson remains, from one artist who walked that curvey path for a bit. Nah..not so good.
Zapbasket Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 Part of knowing who you want is knowing who to rule out. I agree with your post. But I think most of the time all of us go along *thinking* we know what we want, but then things happen to us and all around us and then we have to make decisions and suddenly we find ourselves deciding *against* the very thing we thought we wanted. And then at a certain time certain decisions seem right and later on we think, "If I knew then what I know now, I would have decided something different." That's the reason why, I think, we can never fully be certain of someone's level of commitment to us, or even ours to them. I want to believe that perhaps after two people who are emotionally intelligent and have done solid emotional work on themselves have been together for a long enough time, the "certainty" of all that history of mutual gestures of commitment builds up enough trust that each can say of the other, "S/he is FULLY committed to me." But given the number of marriages that break up after 20, 30 years, that's probably not the case even then. That said, if I were with someone who cried about how his ex had treated him recently, I would have a hard time believing he had enough commitment to me to merit our being in a relationship. But what if your partner shows 100% commitment to you in gesture, and there is no talk of any ex? Who's to say he isn't musing on various of his exes--the way we're all constantly sorting through the threads of our past--as he sorts out how he truly feels about you? Then the commitment *appears* to be all there, the choice *appears* to be clearly for YOU, but in truth that's not quite fully the case all the time. I guess the best one can do is find a way to trust while also accepting the precariousness of any relationship?
Lyssa Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 Well the counter thing is a wait and see ploy. That is just a tactic. I know that tactic - lol - was just asking that out loud.
Author underpants Posted September 1, 2007 Author Posted September 1, 2007 Ahh, Greencove, The voice or reason. You are right. Hindsight is 20/20. It is hard sometimes to see the forest before the sleeze. My experience was with someone extremely intelligent. Want to know how much. Well, just visit his myspace. It is/was part of his ad. Funny and scary. I do know he took this silly test over and over again to beat anyone else who ..competed.(that should have been a sign right there). His intelligence is a valuable thing to him, maybe the only thing. While I might lag behind him 10 or so points (whatever, I only took the test once) he really has (I ascertain) a very low to nil emotional IQ. Is there a man with some level of both? Test for both, people...just saying. Do not be too impressed by either without the other. It is hard, you think you ask the right questions. You do the right research and you fall again. "That's What It's All About?". I am sorry to be a downer and I do still believe. It really it just hard to do so sometimes. If you can gain anything by my silly rant good.
Lyssa Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 he really has (I ascertain) a very low to nil emotional IQ. Is there a man with some level of both? Just to answer your Q - there is, yes...
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