pricillia Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 Get a woman therapist because this man therapist if he was looking out for you, would have told you to get someone else and he didn't. For some reason I think that fun has to have acceptance or attention from the men in her life, and if she get's the attention from men good or bad then that is what she craves. Fun I have to ask what was your relationship with your parents like?
Author Fun2BMe Posted September 2, 2007 Author Posted September 2, 2007 Get a woman therapist because this man therapist if he was looking out for you, would have told you to get someone else and he didn't. I feel like it will be too much trouble and time consuming to go to a new therapist - male or female. I have invested so much time and money into the old one, he knows my situation and I am in desperate need of help so I feel like if I go to him he'll be able to help me right away vs. testing the waters with a new therapist, starting from square one to talk about my situation and putting in a lot of time when I can't wait any longer. Maybe he didn't refer me to anyone because he didn't want to hurt my feelings. I would've felt so rejected if he did because I like to think he really did love me like he said, although now I realize it might not have been good for me emotionally considering what I was going through so lately I am less mad at him about the whole thing and just need his help and to maybe be able to tell him to keep it platonic.
Author Fun2BMe Posted September 2, 2007 Author Posted September 2, 2007 Fun I have to ask what was your relationship with your parents like? I'm not sure my parents have anything to do with my situation wtih the exes and all. I was sent away to boarding schools up until college and when I was at home it was the nanny or housekeeper watching me and my siblings, so I can't really point a finger at a parent and say they raised me this way or that way to put any blame on them. I tend to give myself credit for raising myself in a way if that makes sense.
whichwayisup Posted September 3, 2007 Posted September 3, 2007 I've decided to call my therapist tomorrow to start seeing him again. I've thought about it long and hard and have come to accept that if in addition I have to be sexual with him to get the help he gave me in my personal life, which was amazing and moved me so ahead, then I think since I will be prepared for that I can handle it better mentally and detach my feelings for him, knowing it is not 'real' love whereas before I was swept away. I think he'll be able to advise me exactly what to do in this SOS situation. Well, obviously I care. I can't let myself be responsible for hurting someone's feelings even if they hurt me. At the time when they had newly hurt me, I wanted to (figuratively) kill them but now I am feeling the opposite for some myseterious reason I can't figure out what has come over me. No. DO not open that door again and go back to your therapist. Find another one and make it a female one. See, what you're doing is, rebounding again....Back to something familiar, even though you know it's unhealthy for you - YOU know it's the pattern... And, right now you need to NOT be with any man. You gotta learn to be okay and happy without a man in your life and by your side. I feel like it will be too much trouble and time consuming to go to a new therapist - male or female. I have invested so much time and money into the old one, he knows my situation and I am in desperate need of help so I feel like if I go to him he'll be able to help me right away vs. testing the waters with a new therapist, starting from square one to talk about my situation and putting in a lot of time when I can't wait any longer. Maybe he didn't refer me to anyone because he didn't want to hurt my feelings. I would've felt so rejected if he did because I like to think he really did love me like he said, although now I realize it might not have been good for me emotionally considering what I was going through so lately I am less mad at him about the whole thing and just need his help and to maybe be able to tell him to keep it platonic. That's not possible to be platonic, you know that. And, you both crossed the lines, professionally and personally, so there is NO way you could open yourself up to him and be vunerable again. Ever. Fun ,I'm telling you, do not call and make that appt with him...You'll regret it big time.
Author Fun2BMe Posted September 6, 2007 Author Posted September 6, 2007 It's been a very hard week. The ex-ex emailed me 5 times over the weekend, and again last night asking if maybe I am out of town since I have not responded. It is so hard not to until I remind myself of the things he had done to hurt me. Meanwhile the ex emailed twice and left a long desperate voicemail for me to call back. I feel guilty not doing so, he talks about how precious life is and how we never know when it's going to end and all this stuff so I feel like a monster to just be ignoring all that as if I have no feelings, but I can't stop thinking about how much he has hurt me. Good thing I didn't call the therapist. One minute I want to, the next I am grateful I didn't. It's so hard getting through this period where I feel stuck but I know I'll feel good if I could be strong to maintain the NC which I keep getting tempted to break so I don't look like such a heartless monster.
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 Good going, F2BM. Stay on course. You're doing very well by yourself - and no therapist either! No need to feel heartless - that's just your inner (perhaps lonely) self tempting you to give in and talk to them. But you know that if you do, they'll eventually go back to being the way they were. Stay strong, you're doing well to remember where they got you in the first place. They'll stop the messages after a while.
Touche Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 IF? IF? What do you mean if you can be strong, Fun? You CAN. Look, I didn't really read all the responses. Reading some of these posts from you gals has gotten to me lately. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. It gets to me in a personal way. It all reminds me so much of how I used to be. I don't know that I have much to offer anymore. All I can say is what my mom drilled into my head for years (and was right as it turned out.) If you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you've always gotten (her grammar is better than mine though..ha ha) But is that what you want? More of the same? I don't know what to say anymore. I was the worst spineless f'ing wimp EVER. And I finally got to a point where I just decided that I was going to expect better for myself. And that's exactly when I GOT better...in all senses of that word. Please don't go back. Don't you want to grow? Do you want to stay stuck your whole life? STOP this cycle NOW! Why do you like being used so much, Fun? I've seen it with you over and over and over again...and not just by men. Do you hate yourself? Don't you think you're better than this?
Krytellan Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 Stop being so wimpy. You set yourself up for failure by complaining about how you can't stop yourself. No one here can stop you. Take responsibility and just chill. It's like smoking. Anyone who has ever quit smoking for a long time has that longing for a cigarette 6 months later (I'm no different). The trick is you need to remember 6 months ago when you couldn't wait to quit. You had that feeling for a reason. Just b/c the reason isn't as strong now doesn't mean it isn't there. It's just weaker over time. But if you have that cigarette... oh man... how you feel like dirt after. Tired of feeling like dirt yet?
Author Fun2BMe Posted September 7, 2007 Author Posted September 7, 2007 The support here has helped so much. I would've for sure otherwise given in. I keep thinking they have changed but let's say they have, why would I want to give these guys an opportunity to have any access to me, they are not worthy at all. Thanks for all the help girls. I think if I can hold out for just a few more days the wave of temptation will get out of my system, hopefully for good!! And Touche I like your mom's quote. I shouldn't expect different results if I keep going back to letting these guys walk all over me. It's just so hard right now, but my final goal will be to put them on my block list. I'll be so proud of myself if I ever reach that point. I've been spending the day thinking of responses to write to the two of them, if it should be semi-nice but show that I am still hurt or what but when I read your responses, it brings me back to reality that I should move on... I wish I wasn't this pathetically weak sometimes! I'm thinking of writing something like "I'm sorry for avoiding you and not responding to your emails or returning your calls, but I don't think that it is good for me to continue having contact with you."
whichwayisup Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 You don't owe your ex's ANY explanation FUN. NONE. They haven't been a part of your life for a while now, so don't feel obligated. Honestly, I would just ignore 'em. Ex's are ex's for a reason, especially these two bozo's! Keep venting here and stay strong. You're doing great!! And now...Repeat after me: I DO NOT NEED ANY MEN IN MY LIFE TO MAKE ME HAPPY. I LOVE MYSELF AND CAN BE ON MY OWN WITHOUT A MAN TO COMPLETE ME. I DON'T NEED THE BOZO EX's IN MY LIFE! I AM A STRONG WOMAN! You aren't pathetic...You just had a weak relapse, that's all. Don't beat yourself up over it.
Krytellan Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 I've been spending the day thinking of responses to write to the two of them Why? This is more for you and less for them. If you just blocked them they would just move on to the next shiny thing they saw. They're likely not interested in lip services... all it does it perpetuate communication.
Lishy Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 I think you need to look at why you feel so responsible for their feelings? They stamp all over yours and dont care a jot!
Ssheena Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 Hi Fun, Ya know, I got an email from my x and it said, I don't think it's healthy for us to stay in contact, and that got through to me. You don't have to tell them you are sorry because you have nothing to be sorry for. Just say to yourself, it is the best thing for me to not have any contact with them and then don't. I can't believe your therapist got involved with you. That is such a total no-no and very unprofessional. I recommend a female one. You're doing fine. Just keep posting, read other people's posts and questions. Mother yourself. Happy Friday.
Author Fun2BMe Posted September 7, 2007 Author Posted September 7, 2007 You don't owe your ex's ANY explanation FUN. NONE. They haven't been a part of your life for a while now, so don't feel obligated. Honestly, I would just ignore 'em. Ex's are ex's for a reason, especially these two bozo's! Keep venting here and stay strong. You're doing great!! And now...Repeat after me: I DO NOT NEED ANY MEN IN MY LIFE TO MAKE ME HAPPY. I LOVE MYSELF AND CAN BE ON MY OWN WITHOUT A MAN TO COMPLETE ME. I DON'T NEED THE BOZO EX's IN MY LIFE! I AM A STRONG WOMAN! You aren't pathetic...You just had a weak relapse, that's all. Don't beat yourself up over it. lol re the bozos. That's a good analogy. But when I read those statments I'm like yeah right, or who me? but you're right, they are ex's for a reason and I should be strong...
Author Fun2BMe Posted September 7, 2007 Author Posted September 7, 2007 Why? This is more for you and less for them. If you just blocked them they would just move on to the next shiny thing they saw. They're likely not interested in lip services... all it does it perpetuate communication. That's an interesting insight, that it's more for me. And ouch, I must be blocking reality bec. you're right they won't have trouble moving right along.
Author Fun2BMe Posted September 7, 2007 Author Posted September 7, 2007 I think you need to look at why you feel so responsible for their feelings? They stamp all over yours and dont care a jot! So true!!! Obviously it's a mis-match where they've found someone very nice and caring in me, contrasting with their a-holeness so whereas they have a reason to want me, it doesn't mean I should think there must be anything worth spending my time on them too. thnx for that.
whichwayisup Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 Block them. DO IT NOW, Fun. They serve NO purpose in your life! They aren't friends, they don't know what's been going on in your daily life. Going backwards is not a good idea...Move forward and forget the Bozo's! LOL!
Author Fun2BMe Posted September 7, 2007 Author Posted September 7, 2007 I want to block them but my yahoo server doesn't send an email notifying the sender that their email didn't go through so I don't feel ready doing it while they think I'm getting it. If I didn't have that acct for 8 years I'd just close it down but it's not worth doing that for those bozos lol I love thinking of them like that now, take them off the pedestal for a change.
dropdeadlegs Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 Fun, personally I think silence speaks louder than any words. To hear that silence, these exes need to think their emails are going through and that you are CHOOSING not to respond. You are too nice for your own good. You get all worked up trying to compose an email asking them to go away in the nicest way possible. They will only see your kindness as an invitation to walk back into your life. If you can't be silent, the only email you need to compose is: [[ F*ck off, assh*le. Leave me alone. ]] I would still go with *delete* and not even send a reply. And don't go back to that therapist, either! It took so much out of you to stop seeing him. Even if he is the best therapist in the world in some ways, you must remember that he was making you stressed and miserable in other ways. Have you ever considered making a list of all the horrible things these men from your past have done to you? With a list, when you feel temptation or obligation to reply to these guys you could read the list of their crimes and it might help you to remain strong.
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 I want to block them but my yahoo server doesn't send an email notifying the sender that their email didn't go through so I don't feel ready doing it while they think I'm getting it. If I didn't have that acct for 8 years I'd just close it down but it's not worth doing that for those bozos lol I love thinking of them like that now, take them off the pedestal for a change. It doesn't matter whether or not they get a message saying they're blocked. You're not doing anything to prove a point to them. You're doing it for yourself. You don't want to see their messages because it screws with YOUR mind. You have to get rid of the fear of "losing" them, because losing them is what you really need. Go and block them now.
Krytellan Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 I want to block them but my yahoo server doesn't send an email notifying the sender that their email didn't go through so I don't feel ready doing it while they think I'm getting it. If I didn't have that acct for 8 years I'd just close it down but it's not worth doing that for those bozos lol I love thinking of them like that now, take them off the pedestal for a change. It seems like you feel that everything you do has to be a performance that is seen by others. There is no audience receiving your "block" and that bothers you. It's NOT about others, but you. You block them for you, not for some invisible audience that applauds you. If they don't know, so what? You still got what you wanted. Unless, of course, you want the drama associated with this.
Author Fun2BMe Posted September 7, 2007 Author Posted September 7, 2007 With a list, when you feel temptation or obligation to reply to these guys you could read the list of their crimes and it might help you to remain strong. Great idea, that's what I'm going to do right now!!!!
whichwayisup Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 It doesn't matter whether or not they get a message saying they're blocked. You're not doing anything to prove a point to them. You're doing it for yourself. You don't want to see their messages because it screws with YOUR mind. I agree. Let them think whatever...Fun, you don't need to hear from them, nor do you need to read what they write. They're both full of sh.it and not worth ANY thought from you whatsoever...Block'em the bozo's!
Author Fun2BMe Posted September 7, 2007 Author Posted September 7, 2007 OMG I just wrote a long list on the recent bozo, made me cry at times and shake with anger as I rehashed all the bad things I've been repressing over time, allowing myself to only miss the good things. I stapled the pages together and feels as toxic as nuclear waste. Should I ever get tempted to contact him, just looking at the pages from afar will trigger a negative reaction. I think that has really done the trick. #26 for example says "Took his brother's maid on a cruise around the Mediterranean" and this was while we were on good terms and I consoled him when she cut contact with him. The others are too bad to share, and I can't believe how much crap I put up with because I was his real love and have blocked so much off as they happened because even at the time it would've been too painful to deal with.
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