Fun2BMe Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 I had 2 very painful breakups in my last two relationships. I have succeeded doing NC with the first of the 2 for over a year but lately he started emailing and I finally gave in and responded. Then a few days ago I emailed that I was still hurt and got angry, then we 'made up". So he is emailing me more and more and he just emailed saying "you never told me where exactly you moved to" and so on, getting more and more info about me and what I have been up to. I am disappointed that I am giving in and I am about to respond to that email right now!!!! Please help me stop. Then my last bf who I went to the therapist for but have been succeeding at avoiding for many months now, I finally gave in and responded to one of his emails 2 days ago. He then sent me many more since begging to talk to him, at least before he goes on his next trip. The memory of his trips when he used to cheat on me is giving me heartache all over again and at the same time I am tempted to email him again, even talk to him again. My therapist used to stop me but now that my therapist got into a relationship with me and I stopped seeing him, I feel out of control and giving in to my exes. PLEASE HELP ME BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE and I undo all the progress I've made!!!! I am so mad at myself right now:o
melodymatters Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 Oh Fun !!! I have followed all your stories, and wish I could help or at least give you a big hug ! If your gut ( and your past experience) is telling you that these guys are not good for you, you need to hang tough and stop responding to them. I SO understand as when I get lonely, I start considering the ex's again too, but then i try to remind myself WHY we are not together now. You are beautiful and live in a geographically desireable area, try and keep yourslef busy with other people, other things, even a fun rebound guy. Just don't set yourself up for more hurt .
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 Exes are exes for a good reason. That is a good thing or remember when tempted to contact or respond to an ex. Another thing that I've always maintained: people don't change, only their circumstances do. You don't want to go back to square one, F2BM. One sure-fire way to resolve this situation: Reply to his email by telling him that you don't want him to contact you any more. I know, it's tough to make yourself do it. But you have to. Or, just delete his emails from the Inbox AND the Trash folder when you get them. Good riddance.
Author Fun2BMe Posted August 31, 2007 Author Posted August 31, 2007 You are beautiful and live in a geographically desireable area, try and keep yourslef busy with other people, other things, even a fun rebound guy. Just don't set yourself up for more hurt . It only gets worse. The rebound guy I started seeing yesterday out of desperation is another ex before these two came on the scene. I feel so pathetic but desperate right now. That ex seemed like a saint after all this time has passed and compared to the recent 2 exes. I had broken up with him when I called his house while he was supposedly out of town to leave a message for him on a Sunday morning, only for the phone to be answered by another woman. And here I am seeing again to feel better about the worse exes:confused: But thanks for understanding how I feel.
Lishy Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 Ok ask yourself this .... Do these men deserve you?????????? Do you deserve these men? You deserve so much better honey! You are feeling as bad as you do as you are lonely and it eases the lonliness for a split second, but then makes you feel like crap. Have you considered changing your email address? Changing your number? They only do what you ALLOW them to do babe! Keep posting, dont email him!
Lishy Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 I really think you need to stay away from men for a while. Get a FEMALE therapist and start getting your self esteem and confidence back! I really feel your pain
Author Fun2BMe Posted August 31, 2007 Author Posted August 31, 2007 Exes are exes for a good reason. That is a good thing or remember when tempted to contact or respond to an ex. Another thing that I've always maintained: people don't change, only their circumstances do. That's hard to remember, especially the more time goes by and they come along being nicer than ever. I keep thinking maybe they have changed... You don't want to go back to square one, F2BM. One sure-fire way to resolve this situation: Reply to his email by telling him that you don't want him to contact you any more. I know, it's tough to make yourself do it. But you have to. That's what I had emailed to the recent ex who has been continuously calling and emailing since earlier this year until I finally gave in to his email the other day and now he sent 2 follow up emails, one very mushy and unlike him, the last one yesterday asking for me to talk to him. I am having a hard time deciding to tell him I don't want contact because now I am thinking he will be different or something. The other ex, I finally gave in and responded telling him about my new place and all and now I feel ugh for giving in but deep down I am thinking he might have changed too. I forced myself to sound really upbeat like I am enjoying myself and life and all, but I am really feeling so miserable all over again. Or, just delete his emails from the Inbox AND the Trash folder when you get them. Good riddance. That's how I was before, I don't know why I am feeling so weak and sad lately!!!
Author Fun2BMe Posted August 31, 2007 Author Posted August 31, 2007 Ok ask yourself this .... Do these men deserve you?????????? Do you deserve these men? You deserve so much better honey! You are feeling as bad as you do as you are lonely and it eases the lonliness for a split second, but then makes you feel like crap. Have you considered changing your email address? Changing your number? They only do what you ALLOW them to do babe! Keep posting, dont email him! Thanks, you guys are great. I was feeling bad for feeling lonely but I should just accept it and not count on these scumbags to ease the pain they themselves have caused. You're right, I'm allowing the snakes to slither back into my life, while deep downing knowing it'll only be a matter of time until they strike again out of the blue. I really needed the reality check before I got too carried away. I'm not going to respond to any more emails. I'm ashamed to admit I've unhooked my phone for 3 weeks now ever since I felt my weakness creeping on me and tempted to start talking to them.
Lishy Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 You are following the same patterns and you need to look at why you do this. These guys can play you like a fiddle and you may as well just lay down and let them wipe their feet on you on their way out! STOP them from treating you this way sweetie! Change your email address and number!
Lishy Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 Or block their email addresses from contacting you?
101NEO Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 wow! your situation is a tough one. you have to look inside yourself and figure out why it is that you are tempted to contact them. I don't know how it is for a woman but what i do know is how it is for a guy. all you should have to tell him/them is that you aren't interested in them anymore unless you already led either of them in the other direction recently. if you did, all you'd be doing is making yourself a challenge for them, thus making them want to try harder. my ex broke it off with me about three months ago. we dated for five years. i definetly did not have the strength you have. she and i are now seeing if we can work it out but there's a big chance that we are just beating a dead horse. but who knows. anyway, i admire your strength in NC so you can heal yourself. well anyway. you seem to be a desirable woman. if you are feeling lonely, find someone else before you even think to call the ex's. do you have any male friends that you can hang with to help fill the void until you find a guy you are interested in? that worked for me, i started hangin with a few of my female friends more so that the contact with women that i wanted was satisfied on a non-physical level. when youre lonely, that's the biggest hole in your heart (the non-physical connection) so fill it whomever you can so it doesn't feel like such a big hole. and then at night i took ambien to sleep so i didn't get tempted. to be honest i'm just trying to help. i know how it feels and i haven't any words that can make you feel any better. just know that there are people out there who love you very much and somewhere there's a guy that will appreciate you and treat you the way you deserve. do yourself a favor, and GET OUT OF THE HOUSE, if you really don't want to call them.
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 That's hard to remember, especially the more time goes by and they come along being nicer than ever. I keep thinking maybe they have changed... I know...it's not easy to turn them down when they seem to have turned over a new leaf. With an ex, the problem is that you liked that person a lot in the first place, to have had a relationship with them. That's why it's that much harder to resist when they try to re-kindle the old flame. That's what I had emailed to the recent ex who has been continuously calling and emailing since earlier this year until I finally gave in to his email the other day and now he sent 2 follow up emails, one very mushy and unlike him, the last one yesterday asking for me to talk to him. I am having a hard time deciding to tell him I don't want contact because now I am thinking he will be different or something. The other ex, I finally gave in and responded telling him about my new place and all and now I feel ugh for giving in but deep down I am thinking he might have changed too. I forced myself to sound really upbeat like I am enjoying myself and life and all, but I am really feeling so miserable all over again. Neither of your exes have really changed as a person. One of them is still the same guy who cheated on you. But, their circumstances have probably changed, therefore a change in their behavior towards you. It's funny how exes all try to contact you at the same time, eh. It's difficult to say how it will go with both of them. But the rule of thumb is: Don't recycle an ex...i.e., don't allow the same man to break your heart again. That's how I was before, I don't know why I am feeling so weak and sad lately!!! You're not alone, F2BM...all of us have had these phases when we slipped. The sad / lonely feeling is a breeding ground for wrong decisions. Chin up. Don't you think you're MUCH better than what these guys deserve? Be firm in your resolve. Delete their messages. And then rejoice a bit.
Lishy Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 TTSP that was such a lovely response! And so true!!!!!!!!!! One day this miserable feeling will all be a distant memory Fun2!
Lishy Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 I really do believe that we have to suffer this pain to grow and learn! One day you will meet that special person Fun, the guy who will fill you with joy and not fill your eyes with tears! Until that day though, you need to learn how to make YOURSELF happy!
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 TTSP that was such a lovely response! And so true!!!!!!!!!! One day this miserable feeling will all be a distant memory Fun2! Thanks, Lishy.. Yes, F2BM will get over this low. All she needs to do is to get her determination ramped up again.
Author Fun2BMe Posted September 1, 2007 Author Posted September 1, 2007 I feel better from your responses, the fact that you guys and relate and understand makes me feel less crazy. I am just sitting here so angry and crying. I feel like I was moving on until they started contacting me at the same time and I feel like a mess, regretting that I gave in and emailed today with one and the fact I even felt tempted to call the other rat. I feel like something serious is wrong with me to try to work things out with guys who treated me so badly, and I hate myself for wanting to make an appointment out of desperation with the therapist who took advantage of me. I feel like such an idiot and so fed up. These are the times I start on my drinking binges and I feel that's just where I'm headed to numb it all away.
lonelybird Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 Hi, Fun I don't know your exes story. But if you feel lonely and sad, it is not right time to restore or restart a relationship with a man. I had those moments, but now I forced myself to do this whenever I feel negativeness hit me: Every morning appreciate what I have, make a long list, and I pray to God ask God to change what I don't like, then I believe God will take care of them, so now I am pretty content and hopeful. I feel you will find a wonderful man, and God cares about even little things about his children
whichwayisup Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 Fun, the next time any of your ex's email you, COME TO LS and post about it. Vent here! Don't re-open those doors from the past.... I know it's hard to be alone and at times you're lonely, but you are fine on your own for a little while. Don't let ANY man, past or present or future, rule you, control you or make you feel like you can't live without them. I have to say, you're an incredible person FUN and you have ALOT to offer. What you did afew weeks ago by helping a LS'er who was in need of some TLC, was special and you went beyond what many people couldn't do. Keep that in mind next time you feel low... One day when the time is right, MR RIGHT will walk into your life.
Author Fun2BMe Posted September 1, 2007 Author Posted September 1, 2007 Have you considered changing your email address? Changing your number? I tried doing a test block but on the email acct the exes have using another acct I have and when I tried sending an email, it does block it but it doesn't send a notice to the sender stating that the email didn't go through so they will think it went through and I didn't respond. I am trying to figure out if there's a way to set it up so that they will know I have blocked them. My home phone I have disconnected but they have my cell which for me is easy to not answer because I press ignore and i have so many new messages it's easy to not go through the hassle of listening - i have a habbit of not listening to vm on my cell ph so I need to figure out what to do about the email. In the meantime I respond to the 2 ex ago one all day today and now I don't feel as bad as before about that one because I pretended I was over him and happy and all which got him emailing more and more but I had didn't respond to his last ones. The harder one is the more recent ex. I feel the wounds are so raw and as soon as I start healing he jumps back in with a bang and messes with my head all over again. He asked for dinner I ddin't respond, then to talk stating how much he misses me but I know he is only saying what I want to hear and I wish I could block the email so he sees I don't get his emails otherwise he'll think I got them.
Author Fun2BMe Posted September 1, 2007 Author Posted September 1, 2007 Every morning appreciate what I have, make a long list, and I pray to God ask God to change what I don't like, then I believe God will take care of them, so now I am pretty content and hopeful. How are you able to think that way every morning? When you have a problem you have to admit, that it's hard to focus on appreciating on anything else you have. Nothing else seems to matter any more including things you once thought would make you happy.
Author Fun2BMe Posted September 1, 2007 Author Posted September 1, 2007 Fun, the next time any of your ex's email you, COME TO LS and post about it. Vent here! Don't re-open those doors from the past.... I know it's hard to be alone and at times you're lonely, but you are fine on your own for a little while. Don't let ANY man, past or present or future, rule you, control you or make you feel like you can't live without them. I have to say, you're an incredible person FUN and you have ALOT to offer. What you did afew weeks ago by helping a LS'er who was in need of some TLC, was special and you went beyond what many people couldn't do. Keep that in mind next time you feel low... One day when the time is right, MR RIGHT will walk into your life. Thanks, it is helping to read all that. I feel like I'm on eggshells with the ex-ex, he used to get mad and jealous if I didn't respond to his emails right away, so I started feeling that same anxiety again today. On the one hand I didn't want to respond, on the other I felt this fear he would get upset if I didn't so I kept responding, all the while hating myself for doing so, so I feel like I don't want to screw it up with the more recent ex which I am more torn about at the moment... So far I have been nicely distracted by LS and keeping myself from causing more harm...It's so hard though. Two other guys called me tonight to make plans for the weekend. At first I said yes to both of them then I had to text canceling. I don't feel like doing anything, other than obsessing what I should do with the ex who is going to be going out of town soon. I am feeling the same anxieties I did when we were together when I started to suspect he was cheating and at the same time wanting to see him again one minute then wanting to tell him off the other and upset the whole time like why have I gone downhill so fast this week after doing so well for so long.
whichwayisup Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 I am trying to figure out if there's a way to set it up so that they will know I have blocked them. Send them each an email telling them 'As of now, you're officially blocked so don't bother emailing me.' Fun, WHO cares if he is upset? He isn't a part of your life anymore...neither of them are! SAY it to yourself! WHO cares if they're feelings get hurt!! (Remember too, these guys are GROWN men, not children. They can handle it and get over it.)
Author Fun2BMe Posted September 1, 2007 Author Posted September 1, 2007 Send them each an email telling them 'As of now, you're officially blocked so don't bother emailing me.' I've decided to call my therapist tomorrow to start seeing him again. I've thought about it long and hard and have come to accept that if in addition I have to be sexual with him to get the help he gave me in my personal life, which was amazing and moved me so ahead, then I think since I will be prepared for that I can handle it better mentally and detach my feelings for him, knowing it is not 'real' love whereas before I was swept away. I think he'll be able to advise me exactly what to do in this SOS situation. Fun, WHO cares if he is upset? He isn't a part of your life anymore...neither of them are! SAY it to yourself! WHO cares if they're feelings get hurt!! (Remember too, these guys are GROWN men, not children. They can handle it and get over it.) Well, obviously I care. I can't let myself be responsible for hurting someone's feelings even if they hurt me. At the time when they had newly hurt me, I wanted to (figuratively) kill them but now I am feeling the opposite for some myseterious reason I can't figure out what has come over me.
pricillia Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 Fun, I hope that you don't go through with seeing that married therapistagain we all know that he took advantage of you and your situation. I know that in the beginning he moved you foward in regards to the ex's he never really allowed you to be independant without a man ( I love men so nothing against them) I understand that you think and feel that you can not do this with out the therapist that you had an affair with however you can. Why does it have to be this therapist that you need to go back to?
JCD Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 Get a woman therapist because this man therapist if he was looking out for you, would have told you to get someone else and he didn't.
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