His parents are pressuring us to get married because of religion. What do we do?

[EricaS]

Quick background: my fiancé and I have been together for almost 2 years. We are in our late 20’s and he’s in his early 30’s. We have our wedding planned for April of next year and we were lucky enough to find our dream house a few weeks ago. We are in escrow now and scheduled to move in together in about 2-3 weeks. Everything is…er, was going smoothly!

 

Yesterday his parents (who live 2,000 miles away) asked if we were both going to be living in this house together and he answered them honestly: yes! The topic had never come up prior to this. They expressed concern over this situation and said that they weren’t happy. They object strongly, primarily for religious reasons. They then proceeded to let us know that we had a few options:

 

• Back out of escrow, not get the house, and look again for a place in April (after the wedding). This won’t work as we have already put $800+ into inspections and our deposit ($14,000) will be kept.

• Get married right away (within the next month or two) and move in together then, keep the house as is. This is something we can’t afford right now, nor do I have time to plan. Our wedding is being held back east where both of our families are.

• Have a civil ceremony ASAP, so we are technically married. We then move in on schedule. Have the reception in April as planned but I don’t get the big church ceremony I had envisioned and always wanted.

• Have him move into the house, I make my portion of the mortgage payment, but I stay in my apartment and they pay my rent. The rent they will be paying for my place over the next 8 months is strictly a loan which we would have to pay back to them. We maintain separate addresses and I “officially” move in after the wedding in April. Both he and I know that I will basically be living in the house but it’s not really “our place”. We are essentially racking up a debt of approximately $5,000 for my rent to maintain separate addresses.

Any finally, (this is a doozy):

 

They let us know that we have the option of just moving in together as planned, and having the wedding in April, but they will not be there to support it, participate in it, nor will they allow his siblings to participate. They will also withdraw all financial support that they originally promised (they had promised to pay for the entire reception so we could have the wedding day we had always wanted). They come from money, my family does not. They said that they couldn’t back a wedding ceremony that is based on lies and sins (i.e. living together outside of marriage).

 

My parents are livid, and I feel trapped. I am not a terribly religious person, nor is my family. I can respect where they are coming from and appreciate their position but I don’t think it’s fair that we are both being manipulated in this way. I love my fiancé with all my heart and I feel bad for him as well that he is being put in this position. I am a reasonable person and I am willing to compromise to a degree, but it has to be on both ends. I can bend a little and make some sacrifices but they have to be willing to do the same. My parents think that they (his parents) need to respect our choices as adults and back off. My parents have promised to support us no matter what. As my mom said, “We raised you right. You are adults. We may not always like your decisions or agree with them, but we will be there for you regardless”.

 

 

I am afraid that this is an indication of things to come in our future as husband as wife.

 

What should I do??? Any thoughts?

[Kasan]

I would seriously re-consider marriage. You do realize that your in-laws will influence every aspect of your life! Or try too.

 

How does your fiancé handle his parents? Does he cave in to their requests? (demands) What will happen if you don't' do as they wish concerning marriage? How is your relationship with his parents now?

 

The reason I ask is I never got along with my husband's parents and it was hard. If I knew back then, what I know now, no way would I have married him.

 

I never fought with his parents, but the relationship has always been cool and distant.

 

Maybe it's time to set some boundaries with them.

 

Good luck!!!

[EricaS]

He has a tendency to give in a lot (not always). He's never hung me out to dry in front of his parents or anything like that, but he doesn't want to have them cut ties with him for acting in a way that they don't approve. That is essentially what they are telling him will happen if we go about our plans to be married in April and move in together now. They don't believe it is right and they won't participate.

[curiousnycgirl]

That is a load of total manipulative crap! My first suggestion would be to stick to your guns, big wedding of your dreams be damned. The important part of the wedding is the marriage, not the event. Furthermore I would advise them that by creating such a rift between your, your finance and them - they are significantly jeopardizing the relationship for years to come (that would include with your children).

 

If that is not possible - How about move in together, but keep separate rooms? I don't care where you sleep - but set up yours and his bedrooms - so if they visit they see all his stuff in a separate room from all your stuff.

 

If that doesn't work - install 2 phone lines - tell them one of you is living elsewhere.

 

I generally don't condone lying - but they started it! They made promises without any conditions - now they are adding this BS to it. UGH I hate manipulative parents!!!!

[Kasan]

Welcome to the world of marriage and compromise.

 

Well, one thing you have going for you is the fact that his parents live 2,000 miles away which will make interfering a little more difficult.

 

My husband's grandparents didn't come to our wedding because of their religious beliefs and guess what? Didn't miss them at all...and I actually became quite fond of them.

 

So have the civil ceremony...why can't you have the big church wedding later? Sounds like it might be an option. It will certainly ease some of the stress.

 

What are their views on children and child raising? Have you talked about all this with your fiancé so that there are no surprises later?

 

I wish you well.

[IpAncA]

He has a tendency to give in a lot (not always). He's never hung me out to dry in front of his parents or anything like that, but he doesn't want to have them cut ties with him for acting in a way that they don't approve. That is essentially what they are telling him will happen if we go about our plans to be married in April and move in together now. They don't believe it is right and they won't participate.

 

Well it comes down to what you both want to do. If he gives in to his parents then that's a very good indicator of what the marriage will be like. Technically you both shouldn't care what they think and do what you both want.

 

It's not his parents nor yours (I know their not) to interfer with decisions like this. We're talking about your life together. Not theirs.

 

I wouldn't say re-think the marriage. I'd only re-think it if your fiancé lets them control him.

[Curmudgeon]

Have a civil ceremony ASAP, so we are technically married. We then move in on schedule. Have the reception in April as planned but I don’t get the big church ceremony I had envisioned and always wanted.

 

The older you get the more you're going to learn that life is full of sacrifices and compromises. That big ceremony you want may be important to you now but 10 years from now you'll wonder why. Under prevailing circumstances it seems easy enough to forego as a sign of respect for their beliefs because their son is intimately involved, accompanied by a clear message that this you are willing to do for them but that's also where the trail ends in terms of their directing or interfering with your life.

[VIP]

I think they are wrong in imposing their will on their adult son. He must be free to live his life the way he wants, make his own mistakes if he has to. They are not supposed to impose their religion on anybody, including their children, moreso adult children. Anyway, it's the son's fault, if he allows them manipulate his life.

 

What if you are not ready to get married? What's the need to force the events? That can end up being one more failed marriage.

 

I would lose respect for such a man and cancel the wedding.

[quankanne]

I can bend a little and make some sacrifices but they have to be willing to do the same.

 

:) :) oh, I imagine they're saying the exact same thing about your and their son.

 

ideally, you'd forego the original plans of a dream wedding that they've offered to help foot the cost for – refigure the reception on a budget that YOU can afford and pay for it yourselves so that you continue with the remainder of the plan to live in the house together before marriage without their interference. They have no right to dictate your actions, unless you give them that right. Or, in other words, put your foot down now if you don't want them to meddle in every damned thing y'all do. Sure it's great that they offer to pitch in to pay for the wedding, but how sincere is that offer when it comes with strings attached? I don't care for the idea of my child shacking up before marriage, but if my child is old enough to support herself/himself, then it doesn't matter what I think ... as your mom says, a parent might not agree, but that doesn't mean their love or approval is to be conditional!

 

best thing to do is ask your groom what his thoughts are, and what he feels comfortable doing. But make it known that you think it stinks that his parents would hold financial support over your heads just to ensure they get their way.

[disgracian]

EricaS: Is there any possibility that you can continue with the purchase of the house and rent it out for the duration until you are ready to be married and move in?

 

The rent you receive could go towards the house payments (or your rent) and hopefully cancel out some of the expenses imposed upon you by this bit of non-cooperation from the future in-laws.

 

Cheers,

D.

[disgracian]

as your mom says, a parent might not agree, but that doesn't mean their love or approval is to be conditional!

It's the worst kind of blackmail isn't it?

 

The other concern is whether or not this sort of behaviour is going to continue after marriage. Chances are it will. Being 2,000 miles away doesn't seem to stop them wanting to exert some influence, so who knows where it might end?

 

If this money is going to, in their minds, entitle them to a say in every aspect of your lives from henceforth, then the best thing to do would be to reject it. At least be very clear up front that their wedding contributions are a voluntary gift and do not grant any special privileges. If they aren't happy with that then they can keep their money. If that means scaling down the wedding, then it's still probably worth it to live like adults who can make their own decisions.

 

Cheers,

D.

[quankanne]

If this money is going to, in their minds, entitle them to a say in every aspect of your lives from henceforth, then the best thing to do would be to reject it.

 

blackmail, indeed. And that's sad that that her future in-laws feel they must have control over their son's relationship because in a case like this, give them an "in" and they'll interpret it as a carte blanche to walk all over the couple just because they can. And that's BS (not to mention a complete lack of respect for their son's decisions, whether they agree with them or not).

 

as D points out, the best thing you can do is to reject their strings-attached offer, because you'll only give them authority over your marriage/relationship. You might not have the dream wedding you want, but in the long run, it's much, much less important than it is to give up your independence ...

[disgracian]

The wedding isn't about $100/head catering, huge venues and harps (or whatever). It's the significance of what you're doing and what it means for the rest of your lives. It's also about sharing this moment with your family and friends.

 

My wife and I came close to just having a backyard BBQ wedding at one point.

 

Cheers,

D.

[Bobby NoBrains]

I posted one reply already but it hasn't shown up yet, perhaps because I'm not yet certified as "normal" (as opposed to psychotic) hehe .. Or perhaps because I wasn't registered then :/

 

It basically said that you should try to make the best of the situation and twist circumstances around so that they become good for you .. And in spite of having to give up something, work things out so that you end up trading for something else in return instead of just thinking of it as being blackmailed into doing something. It also said family is important so don't discount them totally and try to work *with* them instead of around them ..

 

Once again, don't give too much importance to the visuals or the grand function, rather focus on how your fiance is dealing with this, i.e. whether he is supportive to you or is he buckling under his parents' pressure. If he is *with* you, negotiate a better deal for the two of you and go with the civil ceremony (Though this sounds very mercenary, think of it objectively, they have already offered a lot of financial help, don't look a gift horse in the mouth). However, if he is buckling today in spite of what you want, then be prepared for a spineless man as your future partner (not a very good thing) .. Remember if you have a loving and supportive partner and family, it's more important over time than a bigger or better function .. But do make sure you are sacrificing for the right reasons and not buckling under pressure. Also, if you are able to trade successfully (sorry for being materialistic again) you will let them know you haven't buckled under their pressure, but have respected their wishes, and also stood up for what you thought was a fair trade-off ..

 

Hopefully this one will post before the other one :/

 

Just my two bits ..

 

Bobby