Just Shoot Me Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 So I have been married for 15 years, no kids. Much of the time I worked away from home ( I restore historic houses) but never cheated on my wife. Last year I saw a woman coming out of the grocers in the town I was staying. For some reason, I felt an incredible non-sexual urge to talk to her. She had a little girl with her and she looked to be unapproachable so I thought better of it and went on my way. She wouldn't leave my thoughts. 2 weeks later I was in the realtors office when I saw her sitting behind a desk. We started a conversation and immediately connected. It was as if I knew her my whole life! Funny thing was that she lived across the street from the lodge where I resided. Anyway, we started to see each other and I was floored by the way she knew me so well. Her ex was into numerology and all that so we looked into it and discovered that we were EXACTLY matched! All of our desires, life goals, etc were the same. I became nervous but also intrigued. I know this sounds weird but we actually knew each others thoughts and wants. Not in a lovesick kind of stupor, but on a whole different level. It wasn't long before we were sleeping together and I didn't even give it a second thought or try to hide it. My wife noticed of course, but I tried to convince her it was a friendship. I REALLY wanted to be close to this person and she ended up living with me in a house that I owned in town. Our uncanny connection continued as our relationship grew. I thought I had found what most people only dream about. Then everyday problems arose and we had our share of fights. She became violent one night and I had enough. I left her and went back to my wife. We slowly became friends again and had sex several times after the breakup. I felt guilty and reminded myself of the problems we had as well as my being married. Then I refused sex with her but we continued to sleep together on occassion. I can't explain the feeling I have when we touch, but I want to crawl inside her, metaphorically of course. Just last week she became angry with me because I bought dinner for her new female roomate. ( By the way, she rents an apt. from me and I wanted to find out more about her new friend) I tried to explain things to her to no avail. I couldn't sleep knowing that she was angry or hurt. I noticed something different when I returned to town but we talked and she forgave me. I asked her how her new boyfriend was and she asked me why I thought she was seeing someone. Up until last week we spent time together. I NEED her in my life. 2 nights ago I experienced a weird feeling of longing for her and ended up in a panic of some sort. WOW! First time for that! The next night I was working late and all of a sudden I had what I would call a breakdown physically ,emotionally, and mentally. I slumped to the floor and tried to overcome it. I could not so I called her from my cell and she left her job at the restaurant to come to me. I pretty much clung to her and felt a sense of relief that she was with me. Acting like a crybaby, I asked her, rather begged her to spend the night with me. I REALLY REALLY needed her there. At that point she came clean about her having a boyfriend and told me she would try to break her plans that night to come back. She called me later and told me she couldn't come back, and her new friend got her phone and started rambling on. I was surprised at how much she told him, but she doesn' lie or hold back info. Anyway we communicate sporadically now by texting, but I miss her so much that I cannot eat or sleep. I feel sick and unenthusiastic. I don't want to get up in the morning but I cannot sleep either. I think that I may soon lose my mind. I don't know what to do and I have no one to talk to about this. By the way, up until last week I never gave a thought as to the possibility of losing her. I take her for granted sometimes and feel that she'll be there for me when I am ready.
Curious139 Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 Tough situation and you are in a lot of pain. How does your wife fit into all of this? Does she understand? Is she supportive? If she is then maybe you should take a deep breath and consider who is really the best person here. At the moment you are depressed and need the support of friends. It sounds like your relationship is ended which will be very hard to accept. Read some of the threads here and you'll see many others going through your pain. It helps.
tinke Posted September 3, 2007 Posted September 3, 2007 not reader friendly...try using paragraphs. i am not quite understanding...i did not see you mention difficulty in your marriage, nor any fixed plans to be together with your new friend in the future. you had a fling, and she moved on. did she show any remorse? what kind of pain do you think your wife would feel if she knew the details??? this is pain she did not initiate!
Author Just Shoot Me Posted September 19, 2007 Author Posted September 19, 2007 not reader friendly...try using paragraphs. i am not quite understanding...i did not see you mention difficulty in your marriage, nor any fixed plans to be together with your new friend in the future. you had a fling, and she moved on. did she show any remorse? what kind of pain do you think your wife would feel if she knew the details??? this is pain she did not initiate! F U you are way off !!!! TRY using paragraphs? OK Grammar is important when your Fk-ing life is in ruins!
Author Just Shoot Me Posted September 19, 2007 Author Posted September 19, 2007 Tough situation and you are in a lot of pain. How does your wife fit into all of this? Does she understand? Is she supportive? If she is then maybe you should take a deep breath and consider who is really the best person here. At the moment you are depressed and need the support of friends. It sounds like your relationship is ended which will be very hard to accept. Read some of the threads here and you'll see many others going through your pain. It helps. Thank you. I really don't have a lot of friends. No one to talk to. She says she still loves me, but I have to make a decision. It is VERY difficult, choosing between such a STRONG love connection and what I am currently involved in. My wife is a loving, loyal person. This makes it sooooo difficult, and I don't know what is wrong with me for feeling what I do for the "other girl", but I seem to have no control over my feelings.
norajane Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 Thank you. I really don't have a lot of friends. No one to talk to. She says she still loves me, but I have to make a decision. It is VERY difficult, choosing between such a STRONG love connection and what I am currently involved in. My wife is a loving, loyal person. This makes it sooooo difficult, and I don't know what is wrong with me for feeling what I do for the "other girl", but I seem to have no control over my feelings. Yes, you do have control, but you have relinquished it. Why? What needs is this woman filling that your wife does not?
kirikat Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 You need to STOP now. You need to move out from your wife, and you need to break contact with this other woman. First of all, I am really old fashioned, and you are MARRIED. You have made sacramental vows, and you need to honor those BEFORE you are free to forge another relationship. You cannot forge any healthy relationship unless those vows are formally broken in court, and before God and your friends. Secondly, it is possible that you have met a soul mate. Unfortunately, that is no guarentee of a successful relationship. I married my soul mate, but it ended after 17 years, and all the kings horses cannot put it together again.... and do you know why? Because, he found himself at a certain age, with a life different than the one he imagined. His response to this was to flail around, find a new woman to have an emotional affair with, and to renounce his vows to me. I am assuming that you are in the 40-50 age range.... and a mid-life crisis is as expected as adolesence is when you hit 13. It is a normal stage of life, and how you handle it now will determine whether you are a happy old guy, or you are alone and miserable for the rest of your life. My ex husband? He is going to be that sad old guy, living in a trailer, regretting the loss of his family for the rest of his life. Please, be very careful now... you life depends on it. Stop the affairs, take a break from your marriage, and seek counselling, until you can make clear and clean decisions and cause as little harm to your family (the woman you married), the other woman, and yourself. Look up "mid life crisis", visit the forums at "the mid life wives club", and go slow. Your life depends on it.
tinke Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 just shoot me.... FU, is your response.......very mature, how old are you???? and yes, grammer is important if you are eliciting assistance from others. one has to be able to decipher all that info. posted in one huge paragraph.
Author Just Shoot Me Posted September 19, 2007 Author Posted September 19, 2007 not reader friendly...try using paragraphs. i am not quite understanding...i did not see you mention difficulty in your marriage, nor any fixed plans to be together with your new friend in the future. you had a fling, and she moved on. did she show any remorse? what kind of pain do you think your wife would feel if she knew the details??? this is pain she did not initiate! Just so you know, people come to this site for help when they are hurting, not to be scolded for improper paragraph usage. Your comment about this being a "fling" is unfounded. I have had many opportunities for this sort of thing to happen, but recognized every one for what it was. This one completely blindsided(sp) me! I take it from your response that you are a woman, or someone who has been on the other side of this type of situation. I posted here looking for help, not to question whether or not my wife was being hurt by all of this. I am not insensitive to her feelings, but I came to this site hoping to find emotional support. Everyone involved is being hurt, but I cannot express their feelings, only my own. Anyway, I take back the "FU", that was extreme.
tinke Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 scolded, is also extreme, just as a comment to indicate one huge paragraph is difficult to read....it was one sentence. you must be a little sensitive. and yes, my comment about your wife does have validity to me. it is easy to express the pain you may be feeling, i was simply surfacing the pain your wife would feel if she knew the entire situation. she did not initiate the act. so, yes, there are other people involved, too. that was my point. the fact is, whether you choose to accept this or not, your wife IS a part of this...even through YOUR pain. my original response was not intended in any way to be offensive, it was merely a reminder that you are not in this alone, there is an innocent party in this.
Curious139 Posted September 20, 2007 Posted September 20, 2007 I've been where you are and am suffering a lot of pain as a result. I had an affair and still deeply love the lady involved but I lost her through my own indecision. Nevertheless other posters are right to draw your wife into this because her pain and suffering are an absolute consequence of where you are at the moment. I'm sure it was a mid-life crisis for me as it probably is for you. I agree with Kirikat, even if I went about things the wrong way myself. You need to make your marriage the priority. If it is unhappy, talk to your wife and go to relationship counselling. That really can help. I do understand how you feel about the woman you love. It hit you like a lightning bolt. She will occupy your thoughts and you'll feel obsessed by her. That was - and still is - exactly my experience. You can't think clearly or rationally while in this state of mind because dopamine is being used up in your brain by the feelings of love. I honestly think you have to deal with your marriage first. Furthermore I'd be very cautious - the other woman has a boyfriend and if she can move on to you, she can just as easily leave you too. Then you might be alone and it isn't a pleasant place to be.
Recommended Posts